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Are you having difficulty with "No Contact"?
May 4, 2005
1:16 pm
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2bstrong
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From "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie...

Detachment involves "present moment living" -- living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day.

Detachment also involves accepting reality -- the facts. It requires faith in ourselves, in our Higher Power, in other people, and in the natural order and destiny of things in this world.

Detaching doesn't mean that we don't care, it means we learn to love, care, and be involved without going crazy. We stop creating all this chaos in our minds and environments. When we are not anxiously and compulsively thrashing about, we become able to make good decisions about how to love people, and how to solve our problems. We become free to care and love in ways that help others and don't hurt ourselves.

May 4, 2005
2:40 pm
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2bstrong
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Just bumping this up.

May 4, 2005
2:45 pm
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kc30
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Isn't she great? When I read this book, I almost choked. It was ME on EVERY PAGE. So many things about my life have fallen into place since I picked up this book.

It's true...but detachment is THE hardest thing to do...in my opinion. It has taken me a year to get there, and I still need to work it daily, hence I get hauled back in.

In one of my Al-Anon books (I'm the self help queen I swear!) I read this:

It is not the person we are detaching from, but the agony of involvement.

Sums it up.

I also like what Melody says..."If you can't detach in love, detach in anger...just DETACH!" Something to that effect....

I chose the anger route...haven't quite managed to "feel the love" yet. think it's too soon for that...

kc

May 4, 2005
2:52 pm
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on my way
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2b...might help to put CONTACT into the search engine. No one has really ever found an answer to this question...it is a personal revelation, and takes time, but takes more time if you try to do it alone.

May 6, 2005
8:34 pm
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InPainZHT
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I love the differentiation between "detaching from a person" and detatching from agony.

That's perfect. What I try to do to consider what "detatchment" is, I think of the way I react to somebody I may be too emotionally influenced by and somebody I am not, such as a loved one vs. a regular acquaintence or friend.

I just try to think of the way I would react when I am being influeced by somebody when I shouldn't be and say to myself, "is this the way I would react if it were my buddy such-n-such".

InPain

May 6, 2005
8:40 pm
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Ardeth
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Difficulty with NO CONTACT is my middle name..

I get this urges..I just can't stop them...I feel soo alone and just want to forget the cheating, forget all the bad stuff and just pretend everything is fine..

But that is my problem, I take, and take and take and don't say anything, don't set healthy limits..Yeah, it is hard..super hard..

May 6, 2005
8:48 pm
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Ardeth
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You know what drives me mad..I have to say it...I have to express it..

(Sorry, guys)

He calls me all day and we talk about work, make jokes, he walked with me to the tailor's, and stole two kisses from me, and he is unreachable after 6 p.m. Disappears off the face of the earth..don't answer his cell phone..Why?? This is killing..me why??

May 7, 2005
2:46 am
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Hollie
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No contact.

It gets easier the longer it has been. So if it is hard to you today, hang-on today and it will be easier for you tomorrow. Keep on telling yourself that and when you haven't had contact for months, it just becomes second nature.

Contacting him just becomes this distant hypothetical thing as opposed to something that you would actually consider doing. I never get urges to contact my ex anymore even though, it just wouldn't even seem natural.

May 7, 2005
3:06 am
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Sometimes I want to contact my ex because I'm so unbelievably angry. Then I realize that there is nothing words can say that can cure that. Only time. And certainly anything HE would say would only make me angrier, or fill me with disbelief. I didn't realize this all at once. I had to taper off my contact with him until he was the one contacting me all the time. Still, it takes some strength to hang up the phone and block those emails. It's a process.

-ella

May 7, 2005
3:34 am
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Rudie
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I like that idea inpain,

about comparing your actions towards a person you are influenced by, to your actions toward another person.

I will use that one if you don't mind. Thanks Hon, appreciate it.

(making a mental note)

Rudie

May 7, 2005
6:25 am
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Shameonme
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I haven't yet read the book by Melody Beattie but my counseller recommended it. I plan on stopping by the book store after work today.

I have a problem I would like to know if any of you could help me with...

My ex is always using the children in order to come over to the house etc.
I think my children are planning something for my birthday & Mother's Day with him involved. (children ages 23,20,16 & 12) How do I stop this without hurting their feeling or seeming ungrateful? Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Trying to do no contact but getting very difficult.

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