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Are we really able to change?
January 24, 2006
9:12 pm
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Kehau
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Caraway,

Thank you for welcoming me. I've been reading learning from other people's experiences. I'm learning a lot and have Melodie Beattie's book, "Beyond Codependency." I feel I've got a lot of work to do. You and others have given me hope that through sharing, listening and reflecting I have hope.

I've been going through a relationship breakup for the past month. It's funny because I had been trying to confront the fact that this person was not the one for me because he was not showing that he valued me, when I discovered that he had rekindled an old relationship. And now I'm going through the same old feelings of rejection and hurt because he found someone else. It's all a bit crazy. I hoping that by sharing with you, I'll be able to do the right thing for myself. Thanks for listening.

January 25, 2006
9:50 am
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caraway
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Kehau,

I read this today and thought that it might help.

Cary

conviction
“Soon after a hard decision something inevitably occurs to cast doubt. Holding steady against that doubt usually proves the decision.”

-R.I. Fitzhenry
Our convictions are constantly challenged. That’s just the nature of life. Even the foundation of the earth is challenged with floods and earthquakes, and yet it remains firm and steady. If we can hold up against the challenges and doubts, then it’s confirmation to us that we are doing what is right for ourselves, and we can be at peace with that.

January 25, 2006
2:12 pm
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Kehau
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Caraway,

Your email makes me feel better about my conflicting feelings. A part of me knows that this person is not right for me; yet, why do I think of him at every spare moment when my mind is not occupied? Why do I miss him so much even thought he did not treat me well? It probably goes back to the addictive nature of my personality and unhealed childhood wounds -- that part of me that needs and wants to be healed and set free. I'm glad that I am at least able to restrain from making contact. I know will have to at some point for the exchange of personal property. I don't know how that will go. I don't know what will happen then.

The other day I went with some friends to an area of town where he and used to go to. It brought back sad feelings for me. Now I avoid that area, at least for now.

I'm trying to focus on taking care of my inner child that Kathygy shared about.

January 25, 2006
2:22 pm
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kathygy
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caraway,

If you can't make LASTING changes in yourself by yourself or with books then get the help of a good therapist.

If the one you saw doesn't want to see you find someone else who will. You should never have to justify your need for therapy to a therapist. That you want help is enough.

January 25, 2006
4:24 pm
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angel1
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I have been working on change for many years..all I can do is ask for help in prayer & meditation..I do believe God does change us in his time not ours..Angel1

January 25, 2006
4:30 pm
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lewis
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I have change over the last 20 years I hope I carry on changing, it just takes time and its something that we can't see happen, its a gradual journey, but if you want to change then you have begun to change. I read a book called 'being nobody going nowhere' it was written by a buddist monk. Best book I have ever read because it was years ago when I read it and I still rememnber it.

January 26, 2006
2:47 pm
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caraway
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I think that my expectations must be too high!! I see everyone around me as happier, wealthier, etc. I need to stop comparing myself to people.

I have always considered myself a kind and caring person but I am beginning to think that I really don't know who I am. Perhaps I can't make lasting changes because I am clueless as to who and what I really am?

Is it ENVY?

Cary

January 26, 2006
5:29 pm
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skoopdoctaj
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I believe that we can all change, it just takes some a lot longer than others. We all go at our own pace or don't move at all because we're trying to rush it. I like to take it one day at a time. Sometimes it seems IMPOSSIBLE to do it ourselves, which is why it's ok to share the burden with others. I hope this helped.

January 26, 2006
5:41 pm
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LovingR
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I think for me it could be an ongoing lifelong process to battle the demons. My self-esteem, trust issues...they have been around for 36 years. It will take some undoing. I'm hopeful. Little steps for now. I want to be realistic in my recovery. I know it won't happen overnight.

January 27, 2006
10:37 am
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caraway
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Impatient me!! LovingR, I suffer from those same demons. I want to just trust and know that I will get hurt, but it is ok. I want to be confident and stop comparing myself to others. There is no one out there who is exactly like me, so it is like comparing apples and oranges.

I guess I am in a sane mood today and see things clearly.... it could change at any moment. I need to enjoy this brief time of sanity.

Happy Friday everyone!! Anyone doing anything exciting?

Cary

January 27, 2006
12:18 pm
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LovingR
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caraway, it's good to know I'm not alone. Thanks for sharing!

I feel same way. Sometimes I'm very clear and rational...then I can change and be irrational and all hell breaks loose in me. I can't eat or sleep.

The confidence we are lacking. What can we do about this? I wish I knew right now. Deep down, I know I'm a good and worthwhile person. But sometimes the things people have told me that are negative come up again and again. I can't block them out.

I'm feeling calm today. My goal for this weekend is to remain that way no matter what is said or done by others. ;-)) Keep rational.

January 27, 2006
2:56 pm
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caraway
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Loving, that is a great idea! I will try and do the same. Let's agree to not allow ourselves to "go to that dark place" no matter what happens this weekend.

If something is said or done to challenge you remember we have to report to each other on Monday. Maybe just being aware will give us the courage to think things through as they happen.

How about it?

Cary

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