Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Are we really able to change?
January 20, 2006
11:44 am
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

In looking at the post here and evaluating my own behavior, I really am beginning to questions one's (my own especially) ability to effect lasting change.

I read books, go to therapy, and still feel like I am mentally and emotionally challenged. I want to "get it" and go on with my life. I am tired of questioning why I make the decisions that I do.

Are we just basically stuck with who and what we are?

Cary

January 20, 2006
12:08 pm
Avatar
nappy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I wish that I could answer that question because I feel the same way. I have also read books and heard tapes and have tried very hard to change and then turn right back around and feel the same way. I hope that we are not stuck in our ways because I have always believe in hope and faith and have ask god to please change me but I have realize that when you are with a certain person, you tend to be just like them and if you realize that you have change for the worst then you have really answer your own question. The mind is a very confusing and mental muscle.

January 20, 2006
12:09 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Caraway

I think you can change in the long run.

What helped me was therapy and a loving husband (therapist) although I was his (therapist) also.

It helps to read and hear reality.

It takes time to heal. It takes time to really open up.

Garfield

January 20, 2006
12:27 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

caraway

Are you here?

January 20, 2006
12:54 pm
Avatar
kathygy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

caraway,

Yes, you most definately can make lasting changes if you work hard on yourself and your desire is very strong. Sometimez it requires giving up lifetime behaviors that have come to feel very safe and comfortable.
But you need to step out of your comfort zone to change.

I have changes so very much that no one would recognize the person I was when I first started working on myself and who I am today.

Probably what had the greatest impact on change in me was five years of very intensive and confrontative group therapy.

I couldn't of made so many changes in me without therapy.

Also, attending adult children of alcoholics meetings made a big difference in me.

I also participated in numerous other types of personal growth activitites or weekends.

January 20, 2006
12:56 pm
Avatar
Notsure
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

While i do believe that there is some kind of genetic imprinting that occurs we can completely change ourselves, our emotions and our beliefs if we really want to. Physical changes like losing weight, stopping drinking or drugging or quiting smoking change all kinds of aspects of our lives in my opinion for the better while the converse is true (again only my opinion)whereby if you start to use drugs for example and become a user negative stuff will happen to you and others.
We can change behaviours like anger through anger management courses as well as changing narcissistic or abusive behaviour thorugh therapy.
My own biggest changes came about over the years when I quit smoking, lost 69 pounds, lost my second marriage, got through graduate school, learned better coping skills and learned to control my anger and anguish. I still have baggage but I am learing to accept it and/or deal with it differently now than I did 20 years ago for example. Regards, Notsure

January 20, 2006
1:39 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Caraway - I believe that YES people CAN change esp if they want to. The proof is that I changed a lot and am still changing. As the saying goes: Where there is a will, there is a way. The important thing is that the individula Wants to change.

If you submit your will to HP, he will start to change you from inside out. Every day, you will feel challenged, you will start to set up some boundaries, new methods, disciples that will help you for lifetime. It is a process that can be gradual, but it is worth all the trouble.

A book I suggest to you is "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud.

Wishing you all the best in your journey, and don't forget to be patient with yourself and with life!
~Ras~

January 20, 2006
2:00 pm
Avatar
kc30
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I believe a person can change their life by changing the way they think. It's what I tell myself that determines my level of peace or happiness at any given moment. Sounds simplistic perhaps, but it's my truth. IT's working wonders in my life. I have made positive changes and they are sticking.

all those bloody self help books and merciless self analysis, and in the end, it's the simple act of choosing to think positively about myself and my life that has turned things around for me.

Don't get me wrong, there was definitely a time when I needed to question myself to learn who I am and what role I played in contaminating my life. But that was just a small part of the bigger picture. There comes a time to say "enough already. It is what it is...what am I going to do about it now?"

Perception is reality....it's what I tell myself that becomes my truth. I've started telling myself different things than what I used to tell, and now I have a different life, even though nothing has really happened to change it.

peace

kc

January 20, 2006
2:27 pm
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Garfield,

I am here.

Cary

January 20, 2006
2:27 pm
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Garfield,

I am here.

Cary

January 20, 2006
2:41 pm
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I feel like I need to wear a caution sign on my forehead Things can going along really well and then I "over think" it and decide there is a problem. I get jealous, insecure, certain that the relationship won't last. I have never given anyone the opportunity to leave me.... I create a scene in my head and leave them first. CRAZY!!

My shrink tells me that I am fine and that I don't really need to be in therapy. I am not on any meds any longer and really don't want to be. I just want to be "normal". I look at others and assume that they are all happier and more well adjusted.

Cary

January 20, 2006
2:56 pm
Avatar
sixfootblonde
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

First of all hi, Cary.

The answer to your question is yes, we really are able to change. We are able to do anything we believe in and the first thing we need to believe in is ourselves. There are so many stories of great men and women who rose from nothing. Just as they affected change in their lives, so can we too in our own. The key is passion. Passion and committment to change. Wanting the change and the end result so badly that failure is just a brief time to re-evaluate and formulate a plan to try again.

I have personally changed and it was a long hard road. I would whine about change and whether I could do it. (Not saying you are, just that I did.) Until I was "sick and tired of being sick and tired" -- then in earnest I began to change. Instead of making myself dizzy listing all the obstacles and doubts that were or might be in the way, I instead just finally decided to live my life in such a way that I could be proud of it. I met a lady who does rheiki therapy and she has taught me so much about our attitudes and how they translate into our health and our outlook. We literally have the power to make ourselves sick, bitter and sad, or we have the power to be the person we want to be.

Being positive, letting go of the past and our guilt, our grief and shame and self-disgust....turning that into living starting today. No longer doing the old self sabotaging behaviors, but instead living like you are the person you want to be. Making healthy choices, experiencing honest emotions and then letting them go, surrounding yourself with people who are positive and who encourage you to be the person you want to be...these are all easy steps. Easier than your self doubt would make you believe.

Just because we've "always done" things a certain way, no more limits us than what we give it power to. Change that internal dialog to "always used to but know better now" and you are well on your way to leaving those old chains behind you.

It starts when we quit looking over our shoulder and start smiling and looking with hope at tomorrow and all her opportunities. It starts when we stop worrying about how we measure up to those around us, and instead value ourselves based on our new choices and our healthy new behaviors.

Yes Cary, change is not only possible, it's easier than you think once you get started. It requires work, oh never doubt that. But it requires so much less work than you would think.

Give it a shot. Start being the person you wish you were. As soon as you do, you will realize you were that person all along. After all, what have you got to lose? The old ways aren't working so well are they?

January 20, 2006
3:51 pm
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sixfoot,

Very well put. I am going to print this out and reread when I start to slide back into the old ways of thinking.

I like the idea of "acting as if it were so" and going forward. I just need to find a way to STOP myself when the negative thoughts come and redirect the thoughts.

I appreciate you!!

Cary

January 20, 2006
4:05 pm
Avatar
kc30
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Cary

I can relate to how you are feeling I think. This is what I've learned:

Lots of people struggle with relationships and intimacy. There is nothing I know of to suggest that difficulty in relationships defines a person as not normal. I know that for me, it used to seem like everyone else had it so together, and I was the one who was messed up.

As it turns out, I've come to believe that everyone has problems...everyone has a degree of unhealth in their life and in their behaviours...I'm not so "special" afterall! I'm just like everyone else!

My biggest emotional stumbling block lies in my marriage...for some it's relationships, for others, they're dealing with illness and death. Some are battling depression...some are overworked...some are good in all areas except for their finances. Some are battling addiction, or watching their loved ones battle addiction. And they all get up everyday, get dressed and walk out the door, and you would never guess the pain they carry around....the weight on their shoulders.

There is no normal. Everyone has their own burdens to carry....their own private struggles, and most don't advertise them. They just look "normal"...the same way we look "normal" to them.

I am positive there is more to you and your life than a string of bad relationships! I am positive you have gifts to offer the world...talents that make you unique and special...we all do!

Tell yourself you are fine! You are NORMAL! It's not that big of a deal to have had some bad relationships- who hasn't! And you're learning....it will be ok. Celebrate the good things in your life...your accomplishments and talents...focus on the things that work! Loving yourself can fix any problem, including relationship issues. A strong, happy, independant and confident woman doesn't get scared of relationships and run away.

It feels really corny at first...this "celebration of self" as my therapist calls it...but I do it anyways, and some days...man, am I EVER in love with me! And on those days...I'm invincible...no matter what comes my way, I can look through it to see the good side...shake off the bad and seek out the good wherever I can find it. Man oh man....what a feeling!!

peace

kc

January 20, 2006
4:10 pm
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

i think we are able to change, first we have to recognize that we want to change and do the most possible for that change.

I know i was coda since 18 yo and now i am 40...thats 22 years of being coda...and my therapist said it may take me 22 years to "un" coda myself!! gosh i hope not...what i do know is i make changes small and in steps, and i know i am so much stronger now that i was in my earlier coda days...all we can do is take changes one day at a time and know what we are doing for ourselves is healthy....and it does take time, but every lil' step counts on feeling better about yourself.

January 20, 2006
4:46 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

yes, we are able to change. i am living proof of it, so yes!

January 20, 2006
4:54 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Maybe you reject somebody before they can reject you.

This is how you protect yourself.

January 21, 2006
3:26 pm
Avatar
Marlex
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi,

I have been thinking about this a lot lately...I seem to be in the same pattern all the time...ruled by my emotions..probably attracting the same people over and over again..the emotionally unavailable people.

I sometimes wonder if I will ever change my ways of thinking and behaving. Being affected by peoples' actions and behaviours towards me.

I have read books, done a lot of soul searching, tried thinking about my childhood to see how I developed this pattern..

I am to the point that I may just have to accept that I am better off by myself rather than worrying about someone else's behaviour.

January 22, 2006
11:00 pm
Avatar
Kehau
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This is my first time chatting online. I want to say thanks for your thoughts re: the ability to change. I felt that you speaking to me. You said just what I needed to hear.

I know that I have often felt like "damaged goods" because I come from a dysfunctional alcoholic home and although I've achieve some successes in life, none has been in the area of making a relationship work. I always feel that its my fault when a relationship doesn't work.

I operate in the world the best and feel the healthiest when I am not in a relationship. However, I have the happiest moments when I am involved in an intimate relationship. I know I tend to focus too much on the other person. I want to learn how to be happy, healthy and balanced AND be in an intimate relationship. I feel I have a long ways to go. Your thoughts and insight have helped.

January 23, 2006
10:36 am
Avatar
caraway
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Kehau,

Welcome! There are some of some great folks here, very wise; and there are some like me.... confused and searching.

I understand about feeling best when in a relationship, but also the worst. I love "taking care" of the people I love ( I know that can be considered codependent ) but I just feel best when I am in a position to make someone's life easier. I also get a great deal of satisfaction out of volunteer work.

The negative for me is the "WORST" that I mentioned and that is the doubt and fear that surrounds me when in a relationship. I question intentions, thoughts, gestures; you name it and I can second guess it.

I think that GARFIELD said I reject people before they can reject me, probably true, but why? I think of myself as a positive person, so why assume the worst?

I worry and project about the future and no amount of that will ever change the outcome. I want to learn how to live for today and accept that there may not be a tomorrow and that is ok. Living the way I do now prevents me from fully being present to enjoy the good things that are going on in my life.

I am missing the boat here!!

Cary

January 23, 2006
2:44 pm
Avatar
garfield9547
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Caraway

I think like you said if we can live for today we can enjoy the good things. Tomorrow is the future and we cannot change that.
We can only change the here and now.

Just on rejection. I think if a person has been emotionally rejected as a child he or she can create the rejection again.

Garfield

January 23, 2006
3:24 pm
Avatar
kathygy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If someone ahs been emotionally rejected as a child its likely that they will recreate that as an adult, HOWEVER, if that childhood wound is healed and the person comes to believe they deserve more that will change.

Marlex,

If you can't make all the changes you want by yourself then I would enlist the help of a therapist.

The reason relationships are harder is because the intimacy takes us back the first times we experienced intimacy as a child and so our old childhood defenses and survival mechanisms pop back up.

If we were wounded by our mother or father or both then those wounds surface in an intimate relationship because that was our first experience with love. And intimate relationships take us back to those early experiences.

January 23, 2006
10:42 pm
Avatar
Kehau
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Kathygy,

Yes, I think that is what I've been experiencing in intimate relationships. In non-intimate relationships, I feel totally healthy and appropriate. I experience laughter easily and forge longlasting, trusting friendships easily. However, my experience in intimate relationships is starkly different. I am insecure and my antennae are always alert for danger. I feel, like you do, that we may recreate the old wounds but that we can heal ourselves so as to not repeat the pattern.

At times, I thought new intimate relationships will help to heal old wounds. It sure seems so in the beginning stages of romance. But now I'm not so sure. I think it may be true that intimate relationships will trigger childhood experiences of our first experiences of receiving / not receiving love. So, I guess, the critical question is what is the best way to heal.

January 24, 2006
4:22 am
Avatar
strawberry fields
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

to sixfootblonde

i just love everything you said. you have the attitude. i hope to be like you

January 24, 2006
8:03 am
Avatar
Sophie3012
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I wish I could answer that question they're so many things I would like to change and I hope with the right help I could do that and be a happier person than I am today.
I wish I had all the tools to change me and make me like who I am but I think everything we need is inside I hope how I feel isn't always going to be this way.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
27
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111006
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38567
Posts: 714294
Newest Members:
nickbor34, finistratbob, Knewhervel, waylanmarx, rydesk, Castano
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information