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Are They Worth Dying For?
May 11, 2010
12:44 pm
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There is a news story that I discovered happening somewhere within driving distance of me. The reports are conflicting. Either he was a stalker and wouldn't leave her alone or they had been having an affair and probably his wife knew about it. Some friends of hers have reported that she told them if anything happened to her he was responsible. She was afraid of him and he wouldn't leave her alone. Neighbors report that he was sometimes at her house for days at a time. He was there all day Sunday. Neighbors heard a gunshot and saw him speeding off. Any way you cut it the woman is dead.

Reading this story has made me sick to my stomach. Obviously I think of our own KareLovely who has gone back to the abusive boyfriend who at one time threatened to kill her. I think of myself and all that I put up with out of my ex-bf although I don't think at any time was my life in danger with him. I think of all of you and your stories that you have shared here. I think of the Charmer/Abuser thread.

I know there are a lot of people out there who are going to sit in judgement of this woman. Did he kill her or did she kill herself because he refused to leave his wife? I for one am not going to sit in judgement over this woman. I can so easily see how a man can suck you into their drama and it becomes your drama and you think you two are the only people in the world in your particular situation and no one else understands the true love and bond that you have. I had those thoughts once upon a time myself.

For anyone else out there, is he/she worth dying for? NO!

If you are still in an abusive relationship GET OUT AND STAY OUT!

If you are still mourning the loss of an abusive relationship THINK OF THIS WOMAN

There was a time I would have sat in judgement of this woman, but that was before I walked a mile in those shoes and that was before I discovered this site. All I can hope for now is peace, closure, and justice for her family.

Bitsy

May 11, 2010
1:58 pm
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StronginHim77
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I have read that (statistically) very few women use a violent means of suicide, including gunshot. (Men committing suicide opt for gunshot.)

So, (statistically), odds are that this is a homocide, not a suicide.

Tragic. Should never have happened. And none of us ever think it could happen to us...but it could when we make dangerous choices.

- Ma

May 11, 2010
2:05 pm
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sexychoclady
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You can say that again..Dangerous choices and untreated mental illness geeeeezzzzzzzzzz!!!!= me Thank God i know this now and for this site and the whole recovery process!!
Because me alone in my head SHOTS FIRED!!!!lol..whew

May 11, 2010
3:01 pm
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chinadoll
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Yes, I am one who can speak from experience that anyone can get sucked into an abusive relationship, man or woman. I have plenty of male friends who have endured abuse as well, they just don't openly talk about it.

Nothing like that is worth dying for. I had a good friend/co-worker who was killed by her husband. She was a reserve police officer and he shot her and himself with her own gun. The marriage was on the rocks. He shot her in the face when they were having an argument. He realized what he did and shot himself. When I went to the funeral home, they had caskets near each other in the same viewing room. It was hard to see both of them next to each other, knowing what he did to her.

He was formerly in the military. They had good jobs and a good family. They had children left behind in all of this. They were both really good people that got caught up in drama.

She and I worked in a courthouse, the Sheriff Dept. next door had to investigate the homicide/suicide. They had to bring in grief/crisis counselors in for us, because we only found out about it when she did not show up for work in the morning. I saw her at 5:00 p.m. the previous day, as we were leaving work. I told her, "see you tomorrow", not realizing I never would. I cried for a long time, missing her. I was in an abusive marriage myself, but couldn't see it for what it was. I was so sucked in. Her death was before he became physically violent. I didn't realize how much danger I was in until he tried to kill me, too. I am lucky to have gotten out of that situation. Some days I am amazed that I survived it.

It's so easy for others to cast judgement. But it could happen to any one of us. Love has you doing things you never thought you would. Yes, we have choices, but sometimes our thinking is not straight. We all make mistakes. Some, like this one, can't be taken back.

I pray for the woman and her family. No one deserves this. It doesn't matter what you have done. No one has the right to take a life.

May 11, 2010
4:38 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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How sad...very common...its hard to see things as they truly are when your in an emotional state...abused women are often abused kids who think its normal...cause that is how they were raised...

May 11, 2010
4:55 pm
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I also think it happens because you are in "luv" with the person. The first time it happens you think surely he/she didn't mean it. That couldn't possibly have happened to me. I will not tolerate that. But things are smoothed over. Everything else is great. What is a little bruise on your wrist. The next time it happens your brain says well now. It happened once before and he didn't really mean it and it was just a little bruise and things are so great otherwise. I am the last person I know who would be a battered woman. And before you know it you have put up with much more than you ever thought you would have. They are so charming. They love us so much. Things are great otherwise. So, he sometimes has more than he should to drink and it makes him mouthy. You know he has a short temper and then the next thing you know is you are a physically and or emotionally abused person.

That has been one of the hardest things for me to accept personally is that I was an emotionally and yes to a degree physically abused woman (mine was always a little bruise somewhere or if he would get angry and I thought he might become physical I either left or diffused the situation.

I was always one of those women who said "A man will only get one chance to hurt me and there won't be a second chance." Oh I was tough all right.

By the time people start pointing it out to you you are in such deep denial of the whole thing that you can't believe them. Oh he doesn't mean it. He would never hurt me. I'm fine.

I have been logging back in to the newspaper that is running this story. They have a blog and friends on both sides are duking it out. Now it has turned to "blame the victim". "She was a big girl, she knew what she was doing."

It just makes me sick. I don't know why I can't drag myself away.

Bitsy

May 11, 2010
5:01 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Victims are usually hurt by bystanders and the rest of society cause deep down most people with abuse, look the other way and disxcouint it or they deny it and blame the victim....VERY FEW PEOPLE EVER STAND BY THE VICTIM...that is what most of us do...that is a FACT

May 11, 2010
5:03 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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(((Bitsy))))

May 11, 2010
9:59 pm
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_anonymous
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Getting away and staying away from dangerous men is easier said then done.

It might help to think about when most of us were in a bad situation and stayed. Didnt matter that others told us to leave or the fact we got hurt.

IMHO it is NEVER the victims fault. No one is responsible for another human beings horrific behavior.

May 12, 2010
7:15 am
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THen last night on the news they reported another woman was shot and killed at an ATM. Another apparent victim of domestic abuse. What in the world is going on????

Bitsy

May 12, 2010
10:03 am
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Lanigirl
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Destinystar made a great point. Do you remember the woman astronaut that drove a long way to kill the woman that was currently involved with her X? My therapist asked me what I thought of that situation because she was trying to encourage me to see my crazymaking.

Perhaps, learning our roles through society and the family, self-esteem, etc. in addition to the fact that in many countries, women are still treated as chattel, something to be traded for cows, etc.

May 12, 2010
12:02 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Hi bitsy and lanigirl...

The world is crazy...scary place to me anymore, just the other day I was at lunch with a friend and we were talking bout how much the world has changed in the last 30 years, yes it is def a different place for sure, and I am sad to say its going to get a whole lot worse too....

May 12, 2010
12:04 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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china doll, i am so sorry, my own mother pulled on gun on me and my sister among other things...I know first hand what violence is out there, seen it all my life...not too surprising but still scary when you think of it, you are most likely to killed by someone your related too I also heard...I believe that!

May 12, 2010
12:10 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I always made dangerous choices cause of my upbringing, I kinda of gravitated towards people whom were like the ones i was raised with, that was not my choice or my fault, in any way shape or form...

People do have a tendency to want to work out their issues later in life with other people that they were stuck in with family and others who were close to them...

an example is a prostitute, most were raped when young, that is why they choose this for the most part, and yet society calls them names and people think they are the scum of the earth, but what people do not realize is that they are not tramps, they are hurting people who were once hurt and had horrible lives and think this is what life is all bout...

So no judgement from me or name calling, I know and seen alot in my life and sometimes its the very elite or those who think they are that are the real scums of socitey who look down on the very people they abused....

May 12, 2010
1:37 pm
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_anonymous
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(((Lanigirl)))

Your point about how females are treated in society is another risk factor. The type of person who abuses others can be a force of nature. People who get destroyed by them often make the only mistake of getting in their path.

May 12, 2010
2:58 pm
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It is just so tragic to see the posts that are being put on the newspaper site about this situation. They were involved for several years. He was married. She tried to break it off with him. He was abusive and almost broke her arm recently. People are logging in and posting that she was a crazy bitch or t hat he is a crazy bastard. Those of us here know that it isn't easy to get away and over someone because they are so charming and hoover us back in.

That could have happened to anyone and they are tarring and feathering her memory in the paper. Bunch of self righteous ignoramouses.

Bitsy

May 12, 2010
3:19 pm
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Yes...just like when that girl was murdered from on myspace...it was sickeing how people demonized her too..i mean my god, she was a child, what is wrong with people, I agree BItsy...

May 15, 2010
8:31 am
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They have determined that it was not suicide and that she was murdered. Because of who he is they are still calling him a person of interest. Just makes me sick all over again.

We all have to be so careful. People are blogging and dragging out every detail of this womans life. She was afraid of him. I can so easily see on this site how it could have happened to any of us...me especially.

Bitsy

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