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Are these signs of abuse?
December 15, 2004
11:27 am
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tia maria
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in a 10 year relationship...living together...

Partners A and B have an argument. Partner B has to get up early for work, its late, Partner B is tired. Partner A continues to argue with Partner B, won't let Partner B go to sleep.

Partners A and B have an argument. Partner B gets angry or upset, wants to leave the home to cool off, or just wants to walk away. Partner A blocks Partner B from leaving the room or the house. Partner A, holds Partner B by the shoulders or stands in front of Partner B, blocking exits.

Partner A and B have an argument. Partner A wants to discuss previous errors, transgressions, mistakes, or perceived slights, that Partner B has done in the past, time frame of 1 year or less.

Partner A does not let Partner B pay bills, or write in the check book.

Partner A buys junk food at the grocery store, eventhough Partner B has weight issues and issues with impulse and portion control with food (i.e. Partner B sometimes has food binges).

Partner B is watching a movie or TV. Partner A starts talking to Partner B. Partner B tells Partner A to be quiet. Partner A takes a magazine and slaps Partner B in the chest with it. Partner B's chest is red, itchy and stinging from the slap.

Does this sound like abuse to you? What should Partner B do?

December 15, 2004
12:01 pm
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kathygy
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If I had a partner that slapped me with a magazine that would be it for me. I have zero tolerance for physical abuse. I would pack my bags and leave. If I wanted to walk out and my partner put his hands on my shoulders to stop me I would consider that abuse. This relationship sounds very unhealthy. If you don't have trust, you don't have safety, you don't have respect and can't talk through issues you don't have much. I would tell my partner either we go to marriage counseling or I'm gone.

December 15, 2004
12:23 pm
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blondie2
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Hi Tia,

Partner A has a whole bunch of control issues. I did a lot of these things myself to control my ex. I didn't realize it at the time that I was overly controlling him, nor did I feel that I was physically abusing him. Now that he is gone, I have learned a lot about myself. I don't know if I would have learned all this unless he left me. He had some of his own issues too, as no 1 person is entirely perfect in the relationship. But our divorce has forced me to take a good hard look at myself. I didn't like everything I saw and have been striving to make changes. I wish I could have learned these things about me sooner so maybe attempting counselling would be the best for partners A and B. If this does not occur, I am afraid that the relationship will end.

December 16, 2004
9:46 am
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tia maria
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blondie2,

Thanks for the insight from the part of the controller. I know no one is perfect. Sometimes the people in a couple bring out the worst in each other.

What kinds of changes have you made? Did you have probems with anger management as well?

December 16, 2004
11:10 am
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sdesigns
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Hi Tia: I think you are definetly in an abusive relationship. The part about sleep hit home with me as my ex would keep me up late even though I needed sleep, then had to have sex, and he would get me up early in the morning even though he didn't have to go anywhere. I became terribly sleep deprived and was unable to function normally. Since I was the one who was working, my welfare should have come first, not his just because he'd been to an AA mtg( he went about 10 times per week) drinking coffee and couldn't sleep. Its a form of abuse- you betcha.

You've got a lot to think about but at least youo are at the point of recognizing it. Good luck to you. SD

December 17, 2004
11:48 am
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tia maria
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Thanks SD,

The sleep thing has been a pattern over many years. Next time around, I think I will try to find someone whose sleep patterns are like my own, at least 8 solid hours a night. If I feel like a next time around after this one is over.

10 times a week? For AA meetings? Sounds like he should have been in a detox/rehab facility instead of home. From alcohol addiction to coffee, just another addiction. Seems like we are all addicted to something doesn't it?

December 17, 2004
12:19 pm
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sdesigns
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Well I later found out that he is a sex addict and part of the reason he goes to so many AA mtgs is that is his source of supply for women. Cute, huh? SD

December 17, 2004
12:22 pm
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tia maria
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Holy moly. Nothing like aiming high...

What a lovely image. A bunch of alcoholics in bed together. Ick.

December 17, 2004
8:05 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Buying junk food--hard to say, could be just stupidity.

Sleep deprivation is a form of physical abuse and torture.

Blocking exits, grabbing, and hitting are all forms of abuse.

December 19, 2004
7:58 pm
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KathyinPain
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In the state I live in, if you deliberately throw something (example: soda can) close to your significant other, not actually meaning to hit that person, just let it fly by them - that's domestic violence and is a felony rap.

The relative of a friend of mine now has a felony for domestic violence because she keyed her husband's car! She also had to take anger management classes for it.

Yes, physically hurting someone, in any way, shape or form, is definitely abusive and domestic violence. Call 911 immediately.

Kathy

December 21, 2004
8:59 am
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msguud
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Please look into any courses out there geared toward abuse. I took one at the YWCA called Beyond Abuse Support Systems. I had no idea I was being abused and it seemed like the course was geared toward me the whole time. What I learned there was phenomenal. I will never forget that course and what it taught me. I finally got my life back after that. Now attending CoDA meetings to further educate myself on why I react the way I do. Check it out.
Peace

Ms.P

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