Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

No permission to create posts
sp_TopicIcon
Are men really afraid of intimacy, or just intimacy with US?
April 28, 2005
7:57 pm
Avatar
EJ_Alfred
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Hollie 🙂

I'd say I'm afraid of commitment all around, either because I'd never seen real intimacy or commitment from my parents, or because of bad early relationships.

I've definitely been most comfortable and most willing to commit with people who haven't been afraid to show me who they 'really' are, and who don't try to change who I really am. Commitment is most appealing when both partners are just willing to accept the other, all of the good and bad things combined.

April 28, 2005
8:10 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Angel, I think a woman can tell if the man is serious or not. Usually the more you have the same values in come, the less likely he is to fool you.

I also think it is a betrayal on the man's side if he keeps hanging out with with woman with no attachment. I believe friendship leads to intimacy. I personnly wouldn't trust a man who keeps dating and hanging out with me and then he tells me something like "We are only good friends."

To me when I go out with man, there must be respect, admiration, friendship. These things in themselves can lead to intimacy and love. I do Not trust a man or a woman who says otherwise.

April 28, 2005
8:23 pm
Avatar
angel4U
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

RE: "haven't been afraid to show me who they 'really' are, and who don't try to change who I really am"

I'm really good with the first part of that, but the 2nd is a tough one and a little tricky sometimes. I think some of it has to do with what we mean by trying to change someone, versus trying to get our needs met. I do believe some things have to change in order for a relationship to survive sometimes (e.g. if someone is talking to you disrepectfully, drinking, etc.). And I do feel guilty sometimes approaching someone on something that bothers me because I know most people feel as you stated. I think that's why the approaches they teach are so important (e.g. when you do this, I feel this way ... ). It takes the burden (some anyway) of rejection off the other person, and puts the responsibility of the feeling on the person asking for the change. I am also learning to say "you don't have to do anything about it, I just needed to let you know how it is making me feel and what the consequence is if it continues." Boundaries, as they call em.

April 28, 2005
8:44 pm
Avatar
EJ_Alfred
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Angel,

That's very true. I agree that a relationship won't go very far without some behaviors being changed from both partners, because no two people are completely compatible.

What I mean by "changing" is...well, not accepting that there *are* differences between people, and that not all differences are bad. ^.^

April 28, 2005
9:20 pm
Avatar
angel4U
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

EJ - Great point!

Rasputin - Thanks for the response. I agree with you about the betrayal ,as well as what 's important. I also found this interesting - "Usually the more you have the same values in come, the less likely he is to fool you.". I think that's the problem for me sometimes, I get blind-sided by some real jerks because my values are different than theirs ... and they are better at hiding their "not so good side" in the beginning. I just have to get a better radar and stick to my guns on taking it really slow, and I think I'll be ok. Thanks again Raz.

Boy, you know I think ALL of us are so smart on what's right and what's important, I just don't understand why we are where we are at! ... =)

April 29, 2005
1:13 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

angel4u...
It is true one may never know,,,but there are ways to find out I guess, other than being so upfront and asking...that would probably make him run...but if he is honest and cares about you, I would suppose he would eventually bring it up.

I think as women, depending on waht we are looking for? A guy who takes his time, gets to know you slowly..is the one who is more interested in a long term relationship, or, if not then he is a very nice man who actually thinks about not hurting you...also good. But a guy who moves fast, with all of the romance, etc..and we are vulnerable? We will get hurt. It takes time to build intimacy, and friendship is also important, but that is built while we are building intimacy.

Differnt greek words for love...eros: is more romantic love, and most likely will not last...'Falling in love' may fit this category. It is based on "I have to have this person!!"

Phileo (sp?) is friendship.

Agape is true love, lasting love, as it considers the other person...not to to the exclusion of ourselves, that is more a codependent trait, but really caring about the other person, and we are not in it just for ourselves.

Personally I have had to check my motives in re-contacting a man I dated, who stole my heart...but then we moved VERY fast...very romantic...all of the time, and just out of a divorce, I was very vulnerable.

So there are different matters to consider, and again, it really depends on the guy. But I think as women we have a lot of power. (It goes back to Adam and Eve....she got Adam to eat the apple, and truthfully we have had that power in some form ever since)...and we need to use that power wisely though...not selfishly. I think if necessary, e can set the tone for the relaionship without letting him know or making him feel unworthy....how to do this is another thread topic maybe?

Hope this helps some, again only my thoughts and experiences. 🙂

April 29, 2005
2:31 pm
Avatar
EJ_Alfred
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'll definitely agree that women aren't as powerless in relationships as a lot of people would have you think ~.^

That's really interesting about the Greek love words, thanks for sharing.

April 29, 2005
10:41 pm
Avatar
chickyfighter
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I say they are smart to not want a relationship, why? relationships bring drma, and dramam makes us sad, and so just enjoy life w/o strings attached...OK fine,maybe I think that like most of us at one point or another we want to have the one we really could be with forever but until that one comes we want to have others in case that one person never comes, I have no idea, I am just rambling..

April 29, 2005
10:47 pm
Avatar
Ardeth
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think that women do want to find their soulmates...not to be alone. I know I don't want to be. You know that drama (the theater etc..) imitates life.. So yeah, life is a drama..the only thing we can do is do the best of it, learn, love, have children to pass our learnt knowledge from our drama and so they continue on to better than us. I know that I still love my husband, even if he cheated, even if he didn't provide financially, emotionally etc. I rather have loved and lost then never loved at at all..

What reason would we live if not to find love??

April 29, 2005
10:59 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OMW: "Ras, I have heard that a man is more likely to re-marry than a woman after a divorce, as they really do not like being alone for any length of time, whereas women are able to survive better by themselves than men."

I agree with you, I have heard this statement said to me by so many people. Women can survive; men can not, even if it's not romantic one. They need a woman for housework...etc.

I also think it has to do with personality. Some women are very self-sufficient. They just do not need a man. They have a good career, nice house. They might opt for a b/f for fun. But that's it.

Chickyfighter: Your post made me crack up!!!LOL Why bother! We don't need them. ROFL

April 29, 2005
11:29 pm
Avatar
chickyfighter
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ras, it is just that I am tired...I cannot rememebr the last time I was kissed by somone I loved and who loved me...I don't want to be called "bitter" b/c I am happier alone than w/my ex, or than being w/S who used the fact that I was willing to care so much that I made him my God, I hate the fact that I also use men. There are nice men who I am just not interested in, yet I talk on the phone or email from time to time and they settle for whatever they can get...No I am not mean enough to string them along w/o letting them know I am simply interested in platonic friendships only. Nevertheless I know they wish more and life is a bunch of that...Ras, I don't want to be ugly, but I am tougher, never have been easily swayed by others...I pray I become good enough so that my kids will learn most good thigs from me, and the way I carry myself.

April 30, 2005
2:02 am
Avatar
Hollie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Angel4u provided a lot of good information on Myers-Briggs personality types on another thread.

"What is your Myers-Briggs type? I am INFJ"

(Click on "View All Posts")

Relating to this...
I definitely think that there is a correlation between people's willingness to commit and their Myers-Briggs type.

I would think that it is safe to bet that F types are more comfortable with intimacy, whereas T types are more reluctant. Especially stoic INTJ, ISTJ types.

April 30, 2005
8:52 am
Avatar
chickyfighter
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hollie, I am not too crazy about opening up/intimacy I am an ENFJ.

April 30, 2005
9:07 am
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think most of us are wired to have certain criteria by God, no matter what our personality.

Things like love, commitment, settling down, having kids and family. God wired and designed us like that. Although that is not necessarily the case for everyone.

We might take these things for granted, but they do Come from the Bible. The way we crave love and friendship is cause we are wired in God's image. God wants us to be dependent on each other. So, ChickyF what you and I feel is quite legitimate, we should not feel guilty about it. But we should be careful about the way we handle it.

Ex: If you feel sick; you go and see a doctor. Being self-sufficient in this case is unhealthy.

If your hair needs a cut; you seek a hairdresser, you ask around about skilfull one.

We need each other, no matter how independent we are. We need assitance in making choices in many domaines.
Even this website aren't we here to help each other. So, we are Dependent on each other. His is healthy Dependence.

Even friendship...why do we crave friendship, cause we like to exchange views with others, do activities together, affirm each other. I have male friends (no romantic attachments), I honestly would have gone crazy withouth these male friends - especially since I have no g/fs right now - They help me a lot, if I have computer problem, or want to move out or do gardening....They are a gift from God.

April 30, 2005
10:15 am
Avatar
angel4U
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Gosh, there si sooo much good stuff on this thread ... they are all things that I have been thinking about anyway.

chickyfighter - ((((HUGS)))) Hang in there, girl, and keep talking. You'll get through this and find peace and serentity within your heart again.

OMW - I also believe taking it slow and building the friendship is important, and have also learned that going too fast leads to trouble. What I find funny is that I am the one that usually tries to balance it, but then find (what I think is) the other person getting resentful. Then when they start backing off, I think it's my place to assure them of my interest or question them on theirs, rather than just letting things happen. I think I need to stop taking so much responsibility on my shoulders and accept that if it is important to them, they will come to me and question me ... or as they say, if it was meant to be, it will be. I have to stop filling in the gaps for them and let them do some of the work. Sometimes I wonder if we are all mixed up after all of the experiences we've been through. Another thing I find interesting is that the guys I am not head over heals with are the ones that tend to come to me, and keep coming to me. I think there is something to be said about a guy needing the challenge or the chase. Where I get uncomfortable is that if this is how they are, I always have to act as if I'm not interested ... and I can't be dishonest like this. I also wonder if some people think that you can't have both - friendship and romantic love (I actually had a couple of guys say this to me) - but this is truly what I am seeking and hope I find it.

April 30, 2005
10:17 am
Avatar
angel4U
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Raz - What do you mean you have no girlfriends??? We're all here for ya girl and we luv ya!! ... =) ...

I believe you are so right on that needing people is ok. I remembered reading in some of my spiritual writings that when we get lonely it is a good thing, because it gives us the sign that we need to reach out for relationship ... because living in our own world and being selfish is not what God intended. I think it gets unhealthy when we expect one person to fill that void inside ourselves, because no one person ever can. We need to be able to find others to help, as well as find it within ourselves.

We are all constantly saying to others "make yourself happy, do what you love", and many times people are stuck because they don't know how. I think getting out with others and doing things, and having talks with people, really helps us to understand ourselves better too.

April 30, 2005
10:31 am
Avatar
angel4U
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OMW - Forgot to comment on your point are about real love versus romantic. Another way of looking at it is that real love brings you a sense of peace and joy and it is lasts a lifetime, rather than the constant wondering and turmoil and pain. If we sat down and thought about all of the people we truly love and feel comfortable with, I think we would have all the answers we need.

I think problems come in when we are with the wrong person that doesn't have it in them to give to us, we try to force it too fast, or we have never truly experienced what it is (I think many of us are in that boat because of our pasts).

I love the saying about love: Love is patient, love is kind, etc. ... it is so true ... but also so hard to achieve sometimes. I think our society has something to do with that too, though ... the ease of sex, etc, to me has gotten a little out of hand. And many people are confusing sex with love ... and jumping in way too soon without giving real love the time it needs to build into something more lasting.

just my thoughts, gotta run. have a great day all!

May 1, 2005
4:12 am
Avatar
chickyfighter
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I agree, maybe I have never been loved and I am in love w/the image of it all only.

May 1, 2005
6:51 am
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Raz - What do you mean you have no girlfriends??? We're all here for ya girl and we luv ya!! ... =) ...

Well, Angel4U, Sorry, I did not mean to discount my so sweet cyber friends here (both ladies & Gents), but it wouldn't hurt to have at least 1 g/f in person, in flesh and blood!!!

Right now, my only g/f is suffering from depression, she stopped talking to me ever since her depression became serious. Too bad, but I learned that life is full of disappoi-nting moments, and I became tough.
I just miss doing activities together, strolling, shopping, connecting intellectually etc.
She is also spiritual person.
I think she has emotional problems and she refuses to open up. I am keeping her in my prayers and respecting her wishes to be left alone.

I agree with you, no human being can fill that void inside us, but we need at least 1 g/f. I will have to trust God for this!

I am very selective when it comes to choosing my g/fs. I really like women who are ladies. I tried to lower my standards before, I only ended up with crappy, aggressive, stressful g/fs. So, I learned that being lonely and healthy is better than having any stressful or unhealthy g/f, just for the sake of company.

Ditto your last post Angel, I love it soooo much, full of Wisdom and Truth!!!

Chickyf: Most of us are in the same boat, I was not nurtured and loved in my family. But Jesus Restored me!!! He can do the same thing to you and to every one. He is the living water. He can quench our thirst for love!!!

Blessings,

R

May 1, 2005
12:10 pm
Avatar
chickyfighter
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Good Morning Rasputin, I am on my way to Sunday service, I always get excited expecting to get filled w/the spirit! My pastor suiggested we pray in tongues at least for 10 minutes daily, and I have been doing it most days, it has alot of power. I am so glad to know that I did not call him even though I missed him last night... I have been talking w/my best guy Friend and he is trying to let go of the soon to be divorced woman but only b/c he had that suggested by his commander to do so (he is in the military).I feel so bad b/c he really likes her alot and I am trying to be stronger w/my S situation so that hopefully he will gain courage and see that it can be done...I hope not to fail!
I am sorry to hear about your only g/f that is now depressed. We love you and although we cannot give you hugs physically, I love you so much I hope you feel my hugs in the spirit. I am so blessed to have this place to vent, talk about the deepest thoughts, and pains...You all have a blessed most beautiful day, I will pray for all of you on here...

May 2, 2005
11:57 am
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey all, I am reading a book called the Dream Giver. It basically says that just because we experience fear or discomfort, that it is no reason not to pursue something tha we really WANT to do.

The point being is that if you think about it, mostly evryone experiences fear or discomfort at stepping out of our 'Comfort Zone" we are more likely to stay in it, rather than step through fear. But taking the first step is the important thing, 'walking through the fear'to the other side is what it is called.

The book is mostly centered around going after your dream, as we all have one,,,just need to tap into it. God placed dream in all of us...basically finding our what our gifts are and how to use them, and digging deep inside to realize what it is...first step, God directs us, adn brings it about.

So in relationships...praying first, overcoming the fear..and moving through it? Most it seems have a negative reaction, but if God is for you who can be against you?
What do you think? Yes we need to be wise and careful, but doesn't that come from God if we ask?

May 2, 2005
8:32 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

What an inspiration Omw, I love this book. I think I might purchase a book by Wilkinson. I love his writings. Yours sounds interesting and is just what we all need right now.

Thanks for sharing!

(((Hugs)))

No permission to create posts
Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
51 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109262

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714177

Newest Members:

WhiteheadDazy, tasyutaDazy, medsherr14, njveczDazy, mountainDazy, IvanaDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer