Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

No permission to create posts
sp_TopicIcon
Are men really afraid of intimacy, or just intimacy with US?
April 19, 2005
7:20 pm
Avatar
Hollie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This thread was created upon request 🙂

Men are afraid of intimacy. Men are afraid to commit.

Those are some of women's the most common complaints about men. Are we just comforting ourselves with this "men are afraid of intimacy" cliche to avoid admitting to ourselves that a guy is perhaps just not interested? Or could there really be something larger than life about men and their idiosyncrasies regarding intimacy?

If you read books like "He's Just Not That Into You" or visit http://www.relationshit.com, they will tell you that men will jump at chances of intimacy and commitment when it is with the right girl.

But, I really think I am the right girl! I mean, I just know! ^^ Why does he still not want to commit?

My own take on it is that it must be both the right girl and the right time for a guy to commit. As in, a guy just won't see the right woman as the right woman if it isn't the right time. In fact, he may never see it and miss out forever.

I think there are so many men out there that passed up the right woman because it wasn't time, and later on, when the right time came for him, a wrong woman appeared but of course because he met her at the right time, she becomes his right woman. He never even knows it. (But we know because we are objective spectators:)

Anyways, what are your thoughts on men and their supposed fear of intimacy and commitments? When they tell us that they are afraid to commit, is it just a sugar-coated "I am not interested in you enough to commit", or is there something more? Explain these weird men here.

Same million-dollar question, different experiences and hopefully different responses.

April 19, 2005
7:22 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hollie, great thread!!

April 19, 2005
7:39 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Intimacy takes time to build, which may sometimes lead to commitment, but sometimes not.

Intimacy comes in all forms, right? I suppose men can have intimacy without the commitment, but it is more difficult for women to do so...on a sexual level anyway.
But intimacy is also being and shring yourself with someone,,,intellectually, emotionally, even disagreements, build intimacy when solved between two people...
Is this what you mean?

April 19, 2005
8:08 pm
Avatar
Hollie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I was actually thinking of emotional intimacy.

🙂

April 19, 2005
10:43 pm
Avatar
miraclegro
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hollie,

I just think that what we want as emotional intimacy and what most men give, are a little different. My hubby can totally be intimate and very deeply wonderful, but at times not be as much. Part of it is how their brains are wired. We women are like spaghetti, and the sauce and noodles all entertwine(emotionally), and they are like waffles, very compartmentalized. I also had a friend who was like a dad who also had a Master's in Counseling, and he said men can only do deep levels for a while, and then they need a little space, and then they come back to it. So is true. We as women need to meet some of the "talking through" stuff needs by chatting with our girlfriends, etc. etc. Hope this helps a bit. -miraclegro

April 19, 2005
11:26 pm
Avatar
hopeinhim
Lake Stevens, WA
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 3
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think it is a lack of practice. A lot of people operate on auto pilot and are totally out of touch with their feelings. Women included. Try it - ask yourself about how you really FEEL at different times during the day and you may be surprised at how hard it can be. Fine is not an answer either.

April 20, 2005
9:50 am
Avatar
Worried_Dad
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 43
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think men are also usually just not as skilled in talking about feelings. And we aren't socialized to, either.

April 20, 2005
10:19 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hollie, while I do agree with you, I also think that it isn't just men that are afraid of intimacy. I know that I am afraid of it. It is hard for me to have sex with a man and then want to cuddle and be close and all of that, it feels foregin and almost unatural. But if I am not having sex with someone I can completely be more cuddly with them.

Oddly enough, I am built more like a man I suppose in that I do not want someone to live with me, and be with me in those type of aspects.

I think that there are many WOMEN as well that fall into this category. But then again I also am a strong believer in that we want what we cannot have, so when we are really intersted in someone and they aren't as much so in us, we like to easily say it is because THEY have intimacy problems.

Great thread.

April 20, 2005
10:38 am
Avatar
PoundingHeart
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Miraclegro, loved your comparison. Makes sense!

I think maybe it's a copout to say men are afraid of it. I think perhaps it has to do with remaining in control - not being dependent or vulnerable to someone else. A way to not get hurt, I guess. I don't know.

Just my 2 cents.

April 20, 2005
11:57 am
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Miraclegro,

Most men are different in their approach to love and relationship than most women. I've never understood this until I read the book "Men are from Mars; women are from Venus" by: John Grey.
We women tend to be want to communicate and give love and nurture; whereas men become more standoffish and cold.

Give your B/F his space, let him figure things out. If he is the right guy he will probably get in touch with you.

You will be in my prayers sweetie,

(((HUGS & PRAYERS)))

April 20, 2005
1:51 pm
Avatar
kathygy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have been involved with a number of men who know how to be emotinally intimate but still not able to committ. I think its the men I choose. There are plenty of men who want committment but I tend to fall for unavailable mne because my father was not avilable to me in any consistent manner but he was very open about his emotions. I have learned to stay away from unavilable men. Its pretty easy to tell early on.

April 20, 2005
4:51 pm
Avatar
gazelle
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

How?

April 21, 2005
6:13 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

kathygy,
With a codependent nature, it is sometimes difficult to know if the man we are attracted to is unavailable, or we just think that he is. Generally a codependent personality may have abandonment issues or rejection issues. They could date a totally normal man, yet not recognize that most of the problem lies with themselves. A codependent personality can actually drive someone away.

So I think gazelle's question "why" is fairly perceptive.

Any other ideas or thoughts as to "why"?

April 21, 2005
6:14 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Whooooooooops, meant gazelle's question "How?" not why.

April 28, 2005
6:13 pm
Avatar
Hollie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The post below was originally a response to peacesoul on another thread, but then I realized that I kind of digressed, lol, so here it goes. (Relates to commitment, sort of 🙂

peacesoul:

Sometimes I wish that I have enough to hate about my ex the way that you can. Mine wasn't a complete asshole, but he was in all the ways that really hurt.

He was never verbally, physically, or intentionally-emotionally abusive, (OMG if he was I'd SO kick his butt;) in fact he was so damn diplomatic/rational and that's what made our break-up that much harder. I couldn't find fault in him except for his choice not to commit, and even that's fair, but strangely it leaves me with that much more resentment for him, hehe. All the things that I could hate about him are unfortunately the exact things that attracted me to him in the first place. (his individuality, priorities, ambitions, all of the things that naturally make a man less unavailable emotionally.)

Guys that won't commit, if they make it very explicit to the woman, somehow I feel that they are perhaps more responsible in a sense. They don't commit easily but they are unlikely to dishonor their commitment once they do commit. They don't commit to something that they know they cannot uphold.

April 28, 2005
6:23 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hollie, good point.

I know as a female that I am also afraid of intimacy, although I crave it as well...do not want to grow old alone scenario, I am divorced of 6 years. I guess it goes way back, always waiting for the bottom to drop out, and need to develop more trust in this area...so it isn't just the guys!

April 28, 2005
7:08 pm
Avatar
angel4U
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hollie - Good point made in your last statement. And what is funny is, we say they won't commit, but I know I am VERY PICKY about who I'll even date, let alone marry. So I wonder what they are saying about me??? ... lol!! ... But I am also a very loyal person to everyone I call friend.

I think it's good to be picky ... who wants to enter into a long-term commitment where you are sharing everything, only to find out that you can't get past a simple argument like which way do you put the toilet paper on the roll (I got that from Coda_Mom .. =)) ... or that you learn you have no idea who the other person is because they keep everything in. Not Me!!! Been through enough and have seem enough in my time, so my radar is WAY up these days!

But I do think there are some guys and women that have deeper fears, and they are really afraid of intimacy in general, and therefore commitment too, and I do think it is sometimes due to self-esteem issues or bad experiences they have been through. Some can go years and years with someone, act "as if" they are committed, but ask them about marriage and the very idea makes them want to run. Others can go from one relationship to the other, never really sharing anything intimate about themselves (I find these types pretty boring ... why bother if not even a friendship has a chance of building!)

I think the key is to find someone that is at least wants a long-term relationship, is open about it (unfortunately alot of guys aren't because they are scared you'll think you want to get married right away if they tell you), and is willing to give the relationship a shot.

Now if only I could find him ... lol!

April 28, 2005
7:17 pm
Avatar
EJ_Alfred
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

*grins* I agree with On My Way. It's more of a human condition than just a male condition. And I'm not sure if it comes from being hurt or if some people are just born with it, or never learned anything else.

For myself, I either feel smothered by commitment or I am constantly terrified that one of us will do something "wrong" and that'll be it, the relationship will be over.

It takes a long time to build trust, and without trust there can't be intimacy.

April 28, 2005
7:22 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I was reading an article about men that stated that some of the reasons why men do not want to commit is if the man has been divorced. He is afraid to commit for fear that it won't work just like the previous one.

I also think it's a question of education. Men are treated and disciplined differently from us. They are given so many allowances over us.
When I attended Sunday School, my brother did not. So, I grew up to be serious responsible person, my brother is not like that.

Sometimes I try to imagine myself a man to try to figure out if I will behave like a jerk like most of those men described on this site...Controlling, manipulative, playboy jerk....

I just pray that God will put Some WISDOM & MATURITY in the brain of our men! LIFE IS TOOOOOOOOOO SHORT!!!

April 28, 2005
7:28 pm
Avatar
angel4U
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I agree with your last statement, EJ with one little twist - I believe trust allows for intimacy, but I think you have to allow yourself to be intimate 9share of yourself on a more deeper level) in order to be trust.

Now if more people would just let down there guard and not run so fast, maybe we could all live happily ever after someday ... =)

April 28, 2005
7:29 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ras,
I have heard that a man is more likely to re-marry than a woman after a divorce, as they really do not like being alone for any length of time, whereas women are able to survive better by themselves than men.

True? maybe...but good grief.

Both are afraid...some just date because they need the company, but do not want a commitment...oh geeeez, remember all of the commitment threads??? another story.

April 28, 2005
7:30 pm
Avatar
EJ_Alfred
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

*grins* I agree, Angel. I hadn't thought of that before.

There should be some holiday where everyone just relaxes and allows themselves to *be* themselves...I think that would cut down on a lot of stress ~.^

April 28, 2005
7:30 pm
Avatar
Hollie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

To our only male advocate, EJ_Alfred (:

"For myself, I either feel smothered by commitment or I am constantly terrified that one of us will do something "wrong" and that'll be it, the relationship will be over."

Do you only feel smothered by commitment when it's not with the right woman, or are you afraid of commitment overall, regardless of the woman?

While I am fully aware that individuals are afraid of commitment for a range of reasons; A part of me still thinks just about anyone will embrace and jump on a commitment when it is with the right person. Please let me know if my premise is wrong.
🙂

April 28, 2005
7:40 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

EJ,
"be" instead of always feeling like I have to "do" which is performance oriented...exactly. I always for get that, as my brain is wired to 'do'.

Hollie, jumping in here for a moment.

From a female perspective, I would think that it may depend on the guy, knowing himself and what he likes. If he likes the person he is with, he may consider commitment, unless he is prone to be afraid of it from past or learned experiences...but again maybe it depends on the situation or the person.

As you say some are 'ready' to jump into a relationship...which leaves out intimacy building which will eventually cause a relationship to end quickly...so taking one's time both men and women leaves us less hurt, and gives us time to make a proper commitment or not.

April 28, 2005
7:50 pm
Avatar
angel4U
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

OMW - This statement "some just date because they need the company, but do not want a commitment" is actually one of my fears when I am dating. I find it hard to know when to ask "are you looking for a long-term relationship?" I don't want to ask too soon for fear of chasing the guy away, but I don't want to spend too much time with someone only to find out they were in transition mode or something, and I was just someone enjoyable to hang out with. Then why not say that up front and we can be friends, rather than act "as if" we are dating? It really does all get so confusing sometimes.

No permission to create posts
Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
45 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 109262

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38532

Posts: 714177

Newest Members:

WhiteheadDazy, tasyutaDazy, medsherr14, njveczDazy, mountainDazy, IvanaDazy

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer