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Are dreams something to worry about?
January 11, 2000
5:49 pm
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BOBIE
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My girlfriend (21) is having this weird dreams about having sex with other people that she does not even know. I'm a little jealous about that, since she claims that she almost has orgies but she wakes up and doesn't have them. The thing is that I have a hard time giving her one. I need help on this one!!

January 11, 2000
8:26 pm
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cerry
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Bobie,

I am not an expert on dreams nor am I an expert as a sex therapist. Through my own sexual experiences I can add that I myself had dreams of having sex with other people in my dreams. It is not abnormal but subconsciously it is a want because in reality I was not able to have an orgasm when I was younger. Don't be jealous, it is her way of saying that she would like to experience one. I though when I was younger that the excitement of petting and arousal was the orgasm. I found that trust and communication are very important in love making. If one is not relaxed or feels embarrassed, they will not experience that great feeling of having one. Ask her what makes her feel good, and at the same time you show her what makes you excited. Two way street here. She has to feel comfortable and trusting. I'm not talking about all women, but fore play is an important issue. We just can't just have one. For some, they need stimulation. Some women even take awhile. Your girlfriend maybe on the upclimb of one and think, "this is taking along time and stop". If you are not aware, a women may have an orgasm without penetration. Give incouragement. When I finally had my first I laught. The bf wondered why I was laughing. I told him. He made me feel comfortable and the trust was there. I hope this helps a bit. I'm honest. It is not fair to anyone if it is onesided. By the way the size of the male anatomy doesn't nessarily mean a thing even though some may think so. Its what you do and for some more time.
Lets us know if you need anymore advice.
Take care.
Cerry

January 21, 2000
10:28 pm
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knb
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Tried tongue?

January 22, 2000
12:49 am
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knb
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a little bung-hole sniffing goes a loooooooooong [email protected]!

January 23, 2000
12:43 pm
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cerry
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Not to be rude, but I don't understand what you are expressing in your last two entries. If you were stating for him to give his girlfriend oral sex, I too have information that some women do not like to receive yet like to give. I don't think at this time it has anything to do with in regards to position or where but trust, understanding, comfort and listening. Please excuse my ignorance, but what do you mean "a little bung-hole smiffing goes a loooong way? If you are male I think your barking up the wrong tree. Maybe with your experiences, but not all. That is not the priority here.
Cerry

February 1, 2000
5:09 am
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knb
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No rudness taken.

Upon examining the opening paragraph we note that orgies as a direct objet in that sentence does not parse with the following in which the first person subject suggests he "can't give her one". While it would be helpful having our author confirm his intention, I believe there is sufficience demonstrable evidence to indicate his intention was to use the word orgasm and that we should infer in this instance that whilst in her dream she "almost" has them but wakes and doesn't, his frustration is further heightened by the fact that he has, in this relationship ,also, as yet, been unsuccessful in assisting her in achieving the pleasurablness of an the orasm that is our focal point here.

While not a complaint, it appears that your use of position is somewhat confusing. Confusing but I am interpreting your use to assume that giving a women head (ie: oral sex) should be considered a position. But that confusion aside, let me add a number of caveats which it would apprear are required for clarity.

I don't discount the positive affect of trust, understanding and comfort put upon examining the initial paragrah simply do not see any indication that this is included in the example with any degree of merit or weight.

While it may be argued that this is precisly your point, it would appear to add only compounded confusion when you further investigate the mechanics of this very senitive area - the female orasm.

It should be noted that the references of female orgasm (and yes ejaculation too) do not appear to always be directly linked to these qualities alone, but at the very best are only indirectly linked. And here is where the confusion continues.

This would begin to explain the odd phenomina (with admiration I should add) of women who can orgasm leaning against a washing machine. An enviable feat for even the most prolific male. But also, it should be noted women reference being able to achieve orgasm just though doing excercise (not necessarily associated with the friction caused by clothing. And, as an aside, I understand my sister has a friend who is teaching her how to achieve this state while horseback riding.

So to openly accept that trust, understanding and listening are at the root of the solution appears to me misleading or at least requires a variation of the chicken and egg theory.

Example: Are these qualities, when introduced into the behavior, the significant underlying factor or are these qualities achieved as a result of another behavior? ie: giving head.

So, it leaves some confusion, you see, but I would be quite willing to admit that the terminology lacks content and elaboration when isolated for discussion. So I will help you with that.

Giving head - oral sex, needs in fact to be done gently - despite what some women will say. And gently all the way through. My favorite is to simply begin by licking the alphabet. Simple elegant, very complete and irrisistable to 99.9% of all women. Irristable because the mind simply takes over and assumes a connection and understanding of the sensory centers which becomes incomprehensible. The trick of course is not to let the recipient in on the mechanics of the procedure.

I hope that is helpful. And what a good question it was.

As for bungholing. Well, this can be acomplished in the same "position" exactly - but of coarse with the nose. You can get quite a symphony of sensory experiences going if you think it through carefully enough and there is every reason for the enactor to engage in good listening, understanding, comfort and trust. Sometime taking lots of time with the recipient on their stomach and cheeks more fully exposed helps to
conjure up these qualities as well so I am told.

I hope that was helpful and instructive in a useful way. Let me know if you find you have additional questions. I'll do what I can.

ADDENDUM: I don't mean to discount your experiences in any way but I have never know a women to achieve an orgasm just through the act of giving oral sex alone. That would be a new one on me, but not entirely unwelcome and not entirely inconcievable reflecting on some of the above references. Very admirable.

February 5, 2000
12:42 am
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jtt
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i'm glad you cleared that up. I was always wondering about bung hole sniffing and what it meant and what it felt like and how it was done and who paricipated and what they liked about it and how many people actually partivipated in this type of activity.

February 5, 2000
3:26 am
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kcc
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yes, lotys like it.

March 1, 2000
1:04 pm
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BOBIE
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Well well, How about the dreams she is having? does anyone have anything to say about that? Are they happening because she is begging for an orgasm? I get frustrated when I ejaculate and I'm all satisfy but she is not. Sometimes I don't even want to have sex with her so I don't feel frustrated afterwards. One more question...the original...Does size matters? I have a 5 1/2 in penis.

Please reply
BOBIE

March 1, 2000
7:52 pm
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BROC
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Strange thread.

Bobie,

Does size matter? Only to the girl your with. Comprende'. If you girl likes it, who cares, right?

Now, folks, this may be a little risky. I am coming back and putting in this disclaimer now. When I wrote this, I did so with this thought in mind. Boy, when I was asking these same questions, I wish someone could have told me rather than it taking years of experimenting to figure out. So, I am trying to help this guy. OK? And, if your female, trying to help out one of you as well. Or maybe many depending on the number of guys that use my advice.;0)

Also, it is my experience, that most woman do not have an orgasim (sp?) from intercourse. Probably 99%. Most respond from clitorial stimilation, of which doesn't really happen that well when your doing your thing.

Also, keep this in mind. If you learn nothing else about a woman, learn this. Tatoo it to your brain. Woman, the majority, doen't have sex like men do. Most can't just meet a guy, and dig in. Woman tie a TON of emotion to the act. Sure, they may do it just to do it. It feels good even if the big "O" isn't there, but to give her the big "O", you need to approach the whole act differently.

Instead of coming home from the bar, throwing her down, and screwing the snot out of her, try taking her to dinner, or better yet, MAKE her dinner. Have a single flower for her. Maybe a card? Be romantic. This will set the stage. And when it comes time, be gentle. Caress! Caress! Caress! Start with a foot massage. Then the back. Lots of gentle kisses. DON'T GO FOR THE GOLD RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE. REFRAIN. Admire her ENTIRE body, not just the you know what. You do this amigo, and she will be more than ready to have you touch the magic zone. Look into her eyes. Pay her a compliment other than "you have a killer ass!"

Finally, I am assuming you know where the clitoris is. IF not, look it up. This comes last. Remember, its not a button on a video game. Soft but firm pressure at a sustained continous rate. At least thats what I have found works. Oral sex is a big hit. If your not big on oral sex, use the fingers. This will produce, eventually, the mystery "o".

Also, how old are you. When I was young I was terrified to ask her what she wanted and how to do it. To macho. Woman are the same, but different. Open your mouth, and ask her. Chances are she has had them through masterbating. Maybe she won't admit it. Maybe she will. But if you do what I have mentioned, you should have achieved what your looking for. And I know I speak for the woman when I say Bravo to your wanting to satisfy her, instead of the macho assholes most of us were in our past lives.

B-

March 2, 2000
11:50 am
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QT
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Bobbie, it doesn't sound like the dreams are anything to worry about. I used to have a lot of sex dreams when I was younger and not getting any of the big "O". My boyfriend at the time couldn't give them to me and we tried nearly everything, including oral sex, but I think it fell back on what cerry was saying about trust. I don't think I ever trusted him. Then I dumped him for various reasons (he cheated- no wonder I didn't trust him)(I don't know why he cheated, he was getting lots). Anyway, I finally got the "O" from my next man, and he wasn't doing anything different.

It may also be the environment you have. I found that when I was with a guy who lived at home, he couldn't last long enough when we had sex at his house. He said he was always nervous of somebody coming home and interrupting, it was very tense for HIM. But when we did it elsewhere he could relax and it was very satisfactory for me.

I am referring to all my highschool experiences because I get the feeling that you are young.

Once you have found you comfort level you will get better, practice makes perfect! If she is up for it ask her to give herself an orgasim in front of you and to describe what she is doing. You need a high level of trust between the two of you for this, and she may ask you to go first to be "safe".

Personally oral sex is a big hit for me, and yes knb, women can have "O" through oral sex alone! And I know the reason it is difficult for a woman to have "O" from intercourse is because it doesn't always stimulate the clit properly. And even to this day my husband finds it difficult because when he finds the right position for me it is also "soooo goood" (his words) for him that he gets the "O" first. So you might have to find other ways, ie oral sex.

By the way, my husband also is 5 1/2 inches and I am very satisfied, you have nothing to worry about. I think everything Broc was saying made a lot of sense, even between husband and wife. Foreplay, which starts with dinner or whatever you like, sets the mood and gets juices flowing. I will have sex with my husband nearly everytime he wants, I am a sure thing, but without the foreplay I rarely have an orgasim. But at the same time, if I am the horney one, all he needs to do is come home, and it will be great sex for me. Trust me it makes sense.

I hope I helped, QT.

March 2, 2000
12:53 pm
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hgl
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Hey you're alright. You don't need to get to worried about this, its a step in the right direction that she is telling you about the dreams. She wants you to know how she is feeling, and you need to get her to open up even more. Its also good that you know that you want to satisfy her, that will make her more at ease. I myself love oral sex (make sure its gently done), actually I'm an advocate for it! Sometimes I rather do this than have sex. The whole thing about giving a woman an O is making them feel as horny as you and making them feel extremly sexy.

My bf givings me O's all the time, about 5 days out of a 7 day week. I'm telling you this because, I still have dreams about having sex with other (but I climax in my dreams), its totally normal. Don't you have dreams about other women? On top of all that I still find time for myself (because I know that best ways to get myself off). This is what you have to ask your gf; make her feel relaxed and let ger know she can talk to you.

I know that someone said to get her to masterbate in front. I think this is a good idea, but I think you will have problems getting her to do this. What I would try is, you do it first infront of her or get her to do it the same time as you. This way she won't feel like she on display for you.

I hope it works out, and I glad to see you care.

March 2, 2000
6:11 pm
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knb
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QT,hgl,

Try actually reading what I wrote. Of course girls can orgasm when getting tongue, but it would be a rareity to orgasm just from giving head. The nervous system doesn't work that way. Yes?

March 2, 2000
7:18 pm
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knb
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forget the flowers. My motto is "shed 'um and spread 'em". Good luck Bobbie!

March 3, 2000
2:13 pm
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hgl
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knb
Who cares about giving head, were talking about recieving it. I have never had an O while giving head, but it does arouse me. I bet if I got into it enough I could make myself cum. But I still rather just lay on my back and let them do the work. He needs help with his gf not him.

March 3, 2000
9:56 pm
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QT
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knb, sorry i read you statement wrong, although giving head is very arousing I have not yet had an O from it.

but I still think bobbie has a lot to work on, because even the best of my sexual partners could not make me cum if I wasn't in the mood... mentally aroused. the right atmosphere is really important at times

i have had sex many times with my husband when i was indifferent to the proposition, then when (he) we were "done" he would be disappointed that i didn't O. but in reality i just didn't feel like it but was more than happy to give it to him. at those times he can work like a horse with no effect but i don't mind. but if he takes the time he can "change my mind" and that is often when i will have my best O's because he was really into ME. i also like it when he just decides that he feels like oral sex and begs to give it to me, that is a turn on in itself, and then when i have my O he asks for nothing inreturn.

either way bobbie, have fun trying over and over again to get it right, and don't worry about the dreams, they are fun too, and most likely harmless

March 4, 2000
2:35 pm
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Brittainy
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My dreams are usually frightening - In my dreams I am never in control of the situation, people making decisions for me the whole time, when I awake I realise that I can amke my own decisions. Maybe there is someting behind all this. Maybe some one out there has the answer?

March 5, 2000
6:30 pm
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knb
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tried tongue?

March 6, 2000
12:51 pm
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helperbrian
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The dreams she's experiencing are beneficial. It is a spiritual exercise or training so that she will in time become unattracted or disinterested in such activities.

March 6, 2000
11:00 pm
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knb
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Just trying to help -

(i did mean receiving).

March 8, 2000
12:28 pm
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loner
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March 11, 2000
1:43 pm
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BOBIE
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I really appreciate all your help. I have followed some of your advice with some success. I'm 23 years old, she is 21. But she is very immature and shy. I have come to the conclusion that it is her that is not confortable with me yet and therefore is not letting her wildside come out. She hides from me when she is naked, or never wants me to see her body, she is very insecure about herlself. I have tried teaching her how to appreciete what she has (which is what most woman would like to have...a nice body). Just yesterday I bought a new bed (I needed one) and I made it so nice and bought roses for her and put them in bed, I went to get her and brought her to my house with a nice diner I cooked, she was very happy with this and when I took her to the room and she saw the bed so nicely adorned she just hugged me and smile and laugh uncontrolably. I did everything just like BROC mentioned and nothing happened...and of course I was aiming for the orgasm, but at the same time I enjoyed everything. There is a lot of insecurity going on in my relationship, especially with her. What can be done to make her feel better about herself and feel more confident in our relationship. Thanks again for all your support.

March 13, 2000
11:12 am
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QT
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Bobie, I believe her comfort level will depend on several factors... how long you have been dating, how many people she has been with before, does she still live at home, her views on sexuality through her upbringing, and the fact that she is still imature, and many things. You sound like you are trying really hard and she probably appreciates it, but these things take time. Keep up the good work! It sounds like you have already made some progress, you are enjoying each other and creating a strong relationship, the orgasm should follow soon. Keep us updated.

March 13, 2000
1:53 pm
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hgl
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Listen to QT; these things do take time. It will happen, just make her feel loved, and the rest will follow. Good luck!

March 17, 2000
11:25 pm
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knb
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yes, they do take time. but not as much time if you would just try some tongue as instructed above.

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