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Appropriate, spontaneous, authentic emotions
April 14, 2000
2:58 pm
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soos
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Appropriate, spontaneous, authentic emotions. How do I get 'em? I'm so used to policing my thoughts, feelings, and emotions that I don't just feel. Except anger and guilt. I'm good at those. Especially confused when I should feel grief (eg. when my good friend died) When I should feel joy (on vacation in Hawaii, etc.) And what does happy look like?-- I know how it looks, I can mimic it well. WHERE ARE MY EMOTIONS????

April 14, 2000
3:20 pm
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eve
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soos, just look at what you are doing to yourself: you keep telling yourself: "You'd better have appropriate emotions, and spontaneously." You set yourself an unfulfillable goal here.

Take your time, just observe your emotions. Anger is an easy one to observe, because it is usualliy quite "clear". What's really complicated are those "I should feel this and that now" emotions.

To me it became easier when I accepted that I just have emotions. "Bad" ones and "good" ones, in "appropriate" and "inappropriate" situations. I can like it or dislike it that I have this emotions but I can't will them away, least of all by
feeling that the present emotion is inappropriate. I can observe myself and how I behave when I'm angry, when I'm sad, when I'm happy. And how this affects my interactions whith other people. And I can change how I behave when I'm sad, happy or angry. But when I don't feel grief - I don't. Maybe I'll want to keep that to myself, so as not to hurt somebody else who is grieving - but I can't decide "this emotion is appropriate - let's feel it". I think otherwise I'd be an actress.

Take care.

April 14, 2000
3:36 pm
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soos
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Maybe it's theatre that stole my real emotions. Or theatre to whom I surrendered my emotions.I know the "shoulds" will kill you to death. I'm not so worried about whether they're appropriate, as where they are. I don't feel. Actually, I feel right now. I feel grateful someone read my concern, cared and responded. I feel desperation that I cannot feel. Maybe there's nothing wrong, I'm just deluded into thinking that a healthy person has feelings without analyzing a situation to death.

April 14, 2000
3:43 pm
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Frieda
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Feelings, nothing more than feelings... Sorry. Couldn't help it. It WAS spontaneous!
I wonder if, instead of analyzing the situation to death, you analyzed your emotions, FIRST. Then, I think you'd see that they're there, and THEN you could work on (appropriate or inappropriate) accepting them.
You may have so many feelings buried in there, that it's a mess to sort out. The mess sometimes comes out as anger. Then you feel guilty. Some cycle, huh?

April 14, 2000
4:08 pm
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janes
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We have added so many "feeling " words that anymore it's hard to say what we feel I think...just what is desperation? Anxiety? Worry? I read somewhere that there are four basic emotins...Glad, Sad, Mad, and (I forget what #4 is cuz it soesn't ryme)

I think you are right...you may be analyzing the situation to death.

I don't feel greif. Maybe we are so codependent you and I that everything is bottled up. Or maybe we just have to many words and think to much.

Are you unhappy all the time? Or just some of the time and okay the rest with a little glad thrown in now and then?

Whatis your life like....other than the "not feeling" are you okay?

Best wishes from a non feeling compatriot.

April 14, 2000
4:43 pm
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soos
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Oh, janes, gratitude, gratitude, grtitude. My life is mostly #4. Whatever that is. I am (scary confession)often tempted (you don't really know me, right?) to do something extreme. Inside is very flamable. Outside, asbestos.
janes, I read about you in LIFE'S. You sound like a fascinating person. Your theology was interesting, too. I'm sad/glad and #4 that you've lost that ap, spont, auth, feeling. woe oh that *!#@$ feeling....

April 14, 2000
5:18 pm
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Frieda
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I'm glad you caught the musical mood! Your syntax is off, but that's OK. How do you maintaing that asbestos exterior? Maybe you can't and that's what's erupting. Your "desperation" and "exteme" acting out might be symptoms of an avalanche of unfelt emotions wanting out. I think I'm mixing my metaphors. Do I make any sense? Your emotions are DEMANDING to be felt, and you are desperately trying to accomodate them, or are you desperately trying to control, dissuade, divert them? I wonder... Do you r e a l l y WANT to feel? Think about it... What would you do with them?
If you were sad,
Would you be glad?
Or would you panic
and then get mad?
What about #4?
Could you deal
With any more?

Look out Dr. Seuss
I don't doubt that you can handle emotions, soos, just want you to think. Or stop thinking so much.

April 15, 2000
10:53 am
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janes
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Why not just enjoy your self....th efeeling will be there. As a Christian grief is relative when I feel I'll see the person in the afterlife. I will feel sad that I won't see them on this earth but not devastated..cuz I know that death is not the end.

I am so busy being enabling and codependent that I don't "feel " muuch.

I am content a lot. Love beaty and peaceful feeling.

Yeah...sometimes I would like to do extremem things too but not if it's gonna hurt another. but being flamboyant could be fun...being silly is great, having a very weird sense of humor is super too.

Area these feelings? (whoa whoa whoa) (that was for you frieda)

As a thinker soos (suess) start reading about emotions....maybe instead of worrying about if you have them start researching them, writing in a journal and finding your self.

I think you'll like what you find.

Put that in you pipe and "act on it" (hee hee hee)

later

April 15, 2000
10:21 pm
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soos
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I'm not programmed to do this. I don't know that there is a self to find.

I'm just a great Pretender...

April 16, 2000
8:16 am
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soos
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janes, re: feel relative grief
How does that happen for you? I can talk myself into "he's in a better place, he's not in pain,etc." so it's like I decide not to grieve. I'm not sure that's healthy. Doesn't the Bible talk about taking control of your thoughts? Maybe I'm too spiritual to feel. --Just kidding. If one hasn't been allowed all of one's life to express oneself, how can one now retrain oneself to feel the authentic emotion and express it appropriately? One wonders.

One is the loneliest number...

April 16, 2000
8:30 am
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janes
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if you are burying your emotions all the bad..they re gonna come out... I was so stressed (frustration...overwhelmed at work..delinquent kid) that once I broke out in hives...I needed a day off. Know how my body told me.? As I left work to go to the doctor..the hives started going away..later after dr. appt. when I went back to work..they got worse.

If it is is not healthy you'llknow...but worrying about the number of emotions you feel each day isn't healthy either.

Get to a therapist and a library and start studying this. I don't have all the answer. Yeah the bible talk about control it also talks of trust in God.

And if you are too spriitual...we need to worship you what time is the service.

It is good you are questioning your life..but you also need to relax, enjoy it and start living. Keep a journal and keep track of your feelings.

Too many too few...don't know if that has been studied.

j-

April 16, 2000
2:57 pm
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soos
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I do the hive thing, too. Then I FEEL itchy.

Where do you draw the line between stuffing, controlling, codependence,and maintaining; and being mature, letting it go, having compassion, and being content?

I want to be angry WHEN I'm angry, not save it up to explode at inopportune times. I want to be sad when my friend is gone, and THEN remember he's better off. I want to feel the peace and beauty of a day on the beach with my sweetie, and savor the memory, not put it in my files before I've even enjoyed the moment.

I'm sorry for my self absorption. Thanks for listening and for the advice. See if I got it all:

*dont force feelings, or have expectations.

*analyze for what's there, not for what ought to be there.

*be willing to feel

*enjoy myself

*read and journal

*no right or wrong emotions or number of emotions.

*relax

*trust in God

Did I miss anything?
Do you not feel you're missing anything janes, when you don't feel? I would like to cry.

For those tears, I died...

April 16, 2000
4:27 pm
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janes
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yeah...sometimes I feel I have missed stuff but then I enjoy the ones I do have and practice feeling them when they are there.

I think you've got it. copy it down and put it by the bathroom mirror and take a copy with you.

smiles.

April 18, 2000
8:13 am
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hazza
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Soos,
You are feeling emotions. Just maybe not the emotions you want to feel.
the anger and guilt are real feelings and you may want to examine where they come from and if maybe you have got the balance wrong on how much you feel them.

You talked about the loss of your friend. A few years ago a friend of mine died suddenly in a road accident.We were all bikers and he died on his motorbike and the whole group of us each felt his loss in different ways. I just felt numb and very guilty that i didn't feel anything, even at the funeral i didn't feel much. But that was just the way my grief went. About six weeks later it hit me - wham, one day at work, it all just caught up with me. Before i had spent so much time helping others affected by his death that i felt were closer to him, like his girlfriend and family, i guess i put my own feelings aside until i had the time. But it just worked out that way, i felt all the feelings of grief come over me, they were just a while in coming!
try to relax more, you do feel emotions, be more ready to accept the good ones as well as the bad, you have every right to enjoy feeling happy and carefree at times as well as feeling bad sometimes,
Peace
Hazza

April 18, 2000
5:52 pm
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soos
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You're a biker????
When my feelings come "late" they are maddening. It's as though I'm camcording my whole life, and then looking back, I "feel" them. But by then I'm not sharing the moment, or savoring the experience, or crying with my friend, or yelling at the person who needs it. But it's a more controlled environment. I can fast forward and rewind. But I can't live and feel in the moment. Y'know?

April 18, 2000
11:56 pm
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janes
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If you work on it you will be able too.

But in a way ...it is also positive...Squirrel, who is around here sometimes" never records her emtions. She would rather do it your way than her way.

We'll just put you two in a bag ...shake you up and see what comes out.

Goood for you for exploring this part of you!!!

Some people never know they aren't feeling!!

Night night

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