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applied for professional help today! suzieQ
April 12, 2009
7:13 am
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suzieQ_85
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Today i applied for professional help after re-reading women who love too much(thanks fantas, i needed that!)
I was again- and maybe even more than last time- shocked how much i AM that book.

Yesterday i talked to a friend, a really good friend whom i've known for over ten years. she was shocked that i let myself stay in a situation like this but she was compassionate and said: i WANT you to leave him but you won't REALLY leave him(and not return) if you havent REALLY decided that for yourself. And she is right, last time i didnt and now i havent yet,
And so i KNOW that i need solid help to guide me to that step. I need help to find myself back because i have completely lost myself.
And it's true, when i'm not in such a unhealthy relationship, i get depressed( i've been clinically depressed in the past)thats like this underlying condition(like norwoord says)for me: depression. And im sooo scared of that depression!!!!

So i will be here, posting, i hope you guys will not judge me for not leaving him yet. I know this is unhealthy and i know i need to leave him but i need help while doing so. I'm too scared.
love suzie

April 12, 2009
9:25 am
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no judgement from me.

As for my last therapist, i was in your shoes, i couldn't leave him, wanted to but "wasn't ready"...those were the exact words of my therapist.

You are just not ready...

sometimes things keep have to repeating, and chaos, and what not...but someday i think your time to leave will happen.

(((camer)))

April 12, 2009
11:35 am
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atalose
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No, no judgement here and there certainly shouldn’t be from anyone.

I think many of us need help with those pieces between knowing we should leave………….and actually doing it.

I think reaching out for professional help is good, that will help you fill in those missing pieces so you can make the best decision that works for you.

(((suzieQ)))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 12, 2009
12:38 pm
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Hi Suzie,

I completely understand. When you are ready you will leave. I will be here to support you as long as you want me to be.

I am so proud of you for seeking professional help. Seeing a therapist is what has and continues to get me through. I do not think that I would have made it other wise. Also, having a strong and reliable support network is essintial. Having a friend liek yours is such a blessing. Even if at times they do not know what to say or do, just having someone you can just sit with, call, or know thta you can reach out to makes all the difference in the world.

Depression can manifest it's self in so many ways in our lives. Also, we can try to eliviate that sadness, emptiness, hopelessness, ect in as many ways. I too have suffered with depression for a very long time. Once I found the correct medication I did better. What really helped thought was the combination of my therapist and the medication.

You have such strength and honesty Suzie. I admire that about you.

Just remember to take it at your own pace and breath.

Sending you huge hugs and smiles!

((((Suzie)))))

PreciousG

April 12, 2009
1:52 pm
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thank you all so much for your kind support. It feels tremendous to be able to come here for understanding and support in this difficult time.

Tonight i told my mother about seeing a therapist. Big mistake. Will i ever learn?
She was only concerned about my carreer should anyone ever find out. She said: there is nothing wrong wth you*only because that would imply-maybe- there was something wrong with my upbringing. i told her: no mom, i just need this support, i'm not crazy i just need support.

Now she's ignoring me like im a piece of dirt, a crazy person, who can infect her with my craziness.
Thats what she's always been afraid of: being crazy herself.

Precious, how are things with the mom of your ex? did you talk to her again?
love u all, wish u a happy sunday
xoxo

April 12, 2009
2:12 pm
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I think you are on to something when you said your mothers reaction to your counseling might imply something went wrong with your upbringing. Most likely your mom is feeling insecure and doubtful with her parenting.

My mom projected her fears and insecurity on me my whole life. I constantly heard “don’t do that you’ll embarrass yourself”. After years of my mother trying to get me to change my ex-husband and his behavior, I finally found the strength to file for divorce and when I told my mother all she could say was “what am I suppose to tell people”.

My late thirties were filled with resentment of my mother and how she was that made me who I was then. Through counseling and support groups I have gotten past all that I am a different person today. I am a person that my mother now says I wish I was more like you.

I am glad you made the decision for therapy, what a wonderful healthy decision you have made for yourself.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 12, 2009
2:12 pm
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Oh Suzie,

I am so sorry that your Mom reacted in that manner. That is her issue and has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with you. That is the ultimate reject when our mother's do not support us. I am truly sorry.

What about your Father? I think I remeber that you were close with him? Have you spoken with him?

I have not heard from his Mother in a while. I think that his parents went to his house for Easter. She told me the forst time that we spoke again that I could come to her anytime without calling first. She said "just stop be. You don't even have to call first. Just come on by." Her open invitation was a complete shock to me as she eas neer this way when I was with my EX.

Anyway, I went by thier house yesterday as I ran a road race near thier house and they were not home. I wanted to invite them to go to Easter Diner with me. I have to move out of my family home in 2 weeks. I will be going to stay with my sister in a different state. Also, this is something that we did when my EX and I were together. I am certain if they had been in town they would have gone.

I intend to call her this week and arange to go to lunch or diner to say good bye.

This is going to be so difficult for me both to move away from the only home that I have known and to say good-bye.

Thank goodness I have therapy next week. I have been a reck for a week now. I can only afford to go to therapy every other week. OMG! I really do not know how am going to leave my therapist. I am sooooooo tired of endings and good-byes! I just want to scream! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!

Well, I just had an idea that may bye me some time. I will have to talk with my therapist on Tuesday to see if it will work. I really can't go into details but suffice it to say I am not leaving becasue I chose. Please keep your fingers crossed that my plan works.

Wishing you a Happy Sunday!

((((Suzie))))

PreciosuG

April 12, 2009
2:35 pm
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Atalose, i think you're right. Its very comforting to know that you got past the issues with your mom, or are at least able to live with how she is without resentment. it gives me hope.had she always been like that?

Precious, im sooo sorry to hear you need to move out. I sincerely hope your plan works and i will keep my fingers crossed for you. to not only move out of your dear home but also out of state, thats terrible. i really hope it will work out!!!!!
how is the preperation for your big race going*if i remember correctly. im sorry my head is such a mess!!

i hope you therapy session will bring you some comfort and im here for you if you want to talk. im on european time, paris, amsterdam.

April 12, 2009
2:48 pm
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Suzie, I don’t think I realized she was like that until I was older, then thinking back yes in fact she was always like that. For some reason my mother needs allot of affirmation that she is a good person and liked. All her stories today are about her and how funny everyone tells her she is. It’s sad but I have accepted that she is who she is and it doesn’t bother me today. I find that spending time with her can be enjoyable but when things start to go a certain way it’s time for me to leave and make my visit short.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 12, 2009
2:52 pm
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Thank you Suzie for rembering my race in the mist of your own worries. You are so sweet. It means alot.

I ran the race yesterday. It was a 10k. I finished in 1hour and 22minutes and 00seconds! I am so proud of me! I thought that it was going to take me so much longer to finish! I thought more like 1hour 45 minutes or so. My time was huge! It was my first 10k! It was so much fun too!

There was a big party afterwards and my favorite local band played it was fabulous! The weather was perfect! I couldn't have asked for a better day to run my first 10k race! I can't wait til next year!

Thanks for your support and well wishes!

PreciousG

April 12, 2009
3:19 pm
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oh thats 3wonderful precious. im so proud of you!!1 you really did something for you!!!! you accomplished it for yourself. What a beautiful day that must have been. Lock it in your heart and never let go. you did that!!!!

ataolose, thats crazy, your mom sound SO much like my mom. Im 23 now, maybe it will come when im later. My mom needs soooo much confirmation. Even i am and have always been just an extension of her..at good days... how did you let go of your expectations of her. Like the expectations of her to be a MOTHER and to love you and be there for you??

April 12, 2009
3:51 pm
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atalose
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Well my mom was there for me, she was there to help me financially and to look after my kids after school when I did divorce. But because I am different then her I think she saw that as a threat or brought out her own faults. She is great at trying to change people into who she thinks they should be but it stopped working with me. I do love my mom dearly and over the years we have grown closer and I think she is proud of how strong I am and how I don’t allow others to walk all over me including her.

I let go of my expectations when I realized we are not the same person and she has every right to be who she is and how she is. My mom’s dad took off when she was only 8 years old. She never talks about it but her mother was a strong independent woman who worked to support her and her sister. Back then that was just not heard of. Her mom died when I was 1 so she didn’t have that strong figure in her life any length of time. Instead her codependent ways took over and she was a constant people pleaser, care taker and always put her own needs behind those of others. Many of those traits are admirable but not at the cost to oneself. I don’t think she understood that. I have empathy for her and an understanding now, something I didn’t have years ago.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

April 13, 2009
5:22 pm
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im not a great journaler, so i will just share with you guys before going to sleep.

Today i searched for more therapists and applied for this agency/institute who look for a suitable therapist foor you. I also talked to a great friend about it.

I realized that i KNOW rationally that this situation and relationship is bad, hurts me and that i deserve better but i just DONT FEEL IT. its so weird its like i can shut down all emotions, all feelings and just ENDURE. endlessy.
when i say I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. and i apply the work (of byron katie)i realize, yes i can because I AM taking it. THATS the problem. not that i wouldnt be able to but that i am willing to.

when i get emotional like when he wants to leave me or when he hurts me. i shut down all rational thinking. its like im this helpless child. like my ability to handle emotions and understand emotions and act accordingly to my feelings has shut down when i WAS a child.
weird huh?
does anyone recognize this?

As for the bf, he pulled SUCH bullshit again. it might help for me to write it down to actually feel it.

a friend of mine died of cancer last year. she was only 25 and had been battling cancer since she was 15. She lost her leg, and 20 % of her lung capacity and then in the end, after the 5th time the cancer had returned her body had been so severely damaged by all the chemo and radiation that she couldnt fight it anymore.
I couldnt talk to him about it and still cant because"he doesnt like horrible stories like that". He actually told me tonight: don't tell me about that before i go to bed. and then ended the conversation saying he wanted to read a book instead.

i was simply telling him how she is an example for me because she always stayed positive and kind and loving and ambitious and strong throughout everything. She stayed positive even when she knew she only had a short time to live. He actually managed to take that PERSONAL!!!! he said that he was upset because i said that about a short time to live and it made him worry that he only has a short time to live.
amazing right?

i dont even want to be with a person like that. i hate that behavior i am absolutely abhorred by the fact that he could turn that around to HIMSELF

i am just lying here wondering what makes me sooooo afraid to leave him. i cant figure it out. right now i dont even LIKE him. its so absolutely selfish i cant even wrap my head around it.
how are you guys holding up today? did you have a nice easter? love

April 14, 2009
12:11 pm
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Suzie,

I am so glad that you find this a safe place to express yourself. I think this is an excellent way of journaling. Oh, and, by the way, there is no good or bad way to journal. There is no right or wrong way. It is just simply you expressing yourself. That's it nothing more nothing less.

Everything that you have shared makes a lot of sense. I think that it is safe to say that many of us here have had the same expereince and emotions that you have had.

What is key is the last paragraph that you wrote: "i am just lying here wondering what makes me sooooo afraid to leave him. i cant figure it out. right now i dont even LIKE him. its so absolutely selfish i cant even wrap my head around it."

When I was able to answer the question what makes me soooo afraid to leave? I was to let go, so to speak. Actually, just asking myself that question and admitting that I was afraid woke me up to reality.

I believe that when you are ready to go you will know it and you will go. I believe the event, action, or even non-action that leads to that defining moment in which we realize that "I've got to go" is very different for each of us.

It sounds to me that you are willing to look at him through some de-fogged glasses but actually see him for who he is. That my fried is sooooo huge. I know it can be very frightening when we begin to see for the first time who they really are. I encourage you to not to run from that and just be with this relization. Try not to analize to much nor second guess yourself.

Perhaps instead try to focus o how you feel about what you have allowedd youself to see. Just have you have expressed here that you believe that his reaction to your wanting to share with him was selfish. I couldn't agree more. You go on to say that you really do not like him right now. These are perfect examples of what I am suggesting to you. Ask yourself How would I describe his reaction, behavior, or lack of behavior? How do I feel about feeling that about him? I hope that I ma making sense?

This is how I learned to slow down and tune into my own emotions and thoughts about the situation. What happened over time I was able to clearly assess the situation and truly focus on me. Also, it helped me to learn to act instead of react. Most times I was reacting out of fear. Was I was able to get pst taht fear and really lable my emotions and thoughts about something life began to settle down and the fog trult bagan to lift.

It is truly a process. It is a process of learning that we have emotions and they are real. We have emotions and they are valid. We have emotions and they span a wide scope they are just limited to fear. It is a process of learning how to trust those emotions and yourself and healthily and safely express those emotions.

I hope that I have not overwhelmed you. Your posts help me so much in that I am able to examine and see how I was able to get to where I am today. For me, it was all about slowing down, listening, and examining the fear that I let consume and guieded me.

I am truly sorry that he was not there for you when it seemed that you really needed him. I am sorry to say that judging from his reaction that he is just not capable of being there for anyone but himself. Moreover, I do not think that he is even capable of being there for himself. If he were capable of being there for himself he would also be capable of being there for others.

I am so proud of you for having the courage to move passed the anxit and open yourself to seeing his behavior. As I said before, that is soooo huge. To me, this is honoring you and giving yourself awesome selfcare.

Kepping journaling, you never know what you may discover about yourslef.

((((Suzie))))

April 14, 2009
6:33 pm
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thanks precious.

have made a big step today!

i have been in a fight with my bf's sister for almost a year now. we used to be best friends but our relationship got really dysfunctional because of the stress of the relationship between her brother and me AND her and her brother.

because i went back to dating her brother we had to talk, we couldnt avoid talking, because we would be seeing each other, hearing about each other. I would feel a bit queesy when he'd tell me: i was with my sister and it was soopoo much fun while we were still hatinge ach other.

so we decided to talk.

but beforehand i said: im not looking to revive our friendship, for now. for now, i only want to neutralize our feelings about each other so we can coexist in peace. he got mad at me saying that it would never work if i'd go there to meet her, thinking like that.

i told him: you can think that, you can say that but i will do this my way because this is OUR BUSINESS.
in the end that worked out wel because he sent me a text later saying he'd respect my way of doing this.

however, when i called him afterwards he started out asking me: so now you won't complain when i tell you i went to my sister and had a great time?(with this really mean tone of voice, very forceful) FIRST THING HE ASKED OR EVEN SAID, RIGHT!!!
So i said: wow, you're really turning this into your thing, why don't you just ask me: was it a good conversation?
Then he said: goodbye, hung up, turned off his phone.

again: i DONT like this behavior.

so to be clear to myself: two days in a row, not respecting my feelings, being sefish.

also, talking to his sister made me realize im not the only one struggling with him. She said(and this is something she never before mentioned, she was always minimizing his problems, she said: i think he has serious personality and behavioural issues and needs to see a really good therapist.

it mad eme feel less alone,

we did NOT bash him all night, we didnt even talk much about him but she said this and i was like: oh thank god!!1 someone else finally sees him for what he is!!!!!!

of course now i feel bad again. and scared that he will call me tomorrow or text me saying he's done(he does that whenever i "whine or bitch" to much, which is subjective because HE thinks i whine or bitch. he'll just say: i dont want you anymore im done with you get out of my life,

to which i should respond with: okay fine great, thats a good idea im done as well. but something happens in me and i END UP BEGGING HIM TO STAY, MAKING PROMISES I WILL BE A GOOD GIRL IN THE FUTURE!!

So now im sooo stressed out because he turned off his phone and im afraid he will call me tomorrow saying: were done. and that frightens me. i dont know why!!!!!!!
thanks precious for your post. your unconditional support helps me, makes me feel loved and accpeted for who i am.
also your writing offer me some perspective for the future. hope that i can get out of this, im just not there. lady you rock!!!!

xx suzie

April 14, 2009
6:45 pm
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oh and precious, youre right about allowing this.

so:
i think his reaction was harsh, unsensitive and selfish. that's behaviour i DO NOT LIKE IN ANOTHER HUMAN BEING.

soo i dont like him right now!!!!

April 14, 2009
7:15 pm
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Oh Suzie,

You are so kind. You are so very welcome!

OK lets take this step futher. So what if he calls you and tells you it is over and that he is finished with you and wants you ou tof his? I think those are interesting choices of wordshe uses. "I am done with you" What the hell is that!

Anyway, I think that what is going on is that he punishing yo9u by turning off his. I thinking that you feel rejected. I think that you believe that you have truly done something to deserve this punishment ie, turning off the phone.

All he is doing is punishing you becasue you had the nerve to stand up to him. I tis a form of control. What he gets out it is that eventually he will call you, when he is ready (he gets yo be in control). Also, when he calls you will beg him to take you back, more punishment and he further demeans you. Control and you feed his ego. He sees your begging as admiration, love, and that he is the man and you can't live without him. See if he really had any true sefl-esteem or self-confidence he would not have to do this sort of thing. He could get all this from himself. More importantly, there would be no need to punish you or try to control you.

I am so proud of you for standing up to him. You rock. See the fog is starting to lift. 🙂

I remember the situation with the sister. She seems like bad news. The entire sistuation that yo have descibed with the sister and his insistance that things would not work if you were not talking with her is a crock! Again it feels to me like he is try to control everyhting.

You have every right to stand up for yourself just as you did. Ya know what that frightens the you know what outtta him. Please don't be scared. I know what that feels like. It is an awful place to be. Just remember, you really aren't alone. From you have shared you have some very carring friends that give you some very loving support. I will be here for you.

I know that it is frightening to think about being on your own without a boyfriend. But belive me it is so much better to be without that constant stress and worry.

I mean what would it really be like to be without him? What does it mean to be without him? Is it ok with you that he treats you the way that he does?

I am not asking these questions so that you will answer them here. I am just trying to help you to think throught the fear that you have about breaking up with him.

Lastly, I think that it is important that you know and understand th ahe will never change. From wha I gather he believes that you have a problem and he has none.

Lady, I think you rock too! I can't wait for the day that you realize that! I wish we lived near one another and could meet. I like your spunkiness and you seem like you can be a lot of fun.

Keep up the great work and awesome self-care! You are on your way baby!

(((Suzie)))))

April 14, 2009
7:19 pm
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I agree suzie. There isn't much to like in that type of reaction is there?

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