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Apparently I am "disturbed" and a disturbed person
February 8, 2007
8:25 am
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doubledilemma
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So I went to this counsellor yesterday who has written a book on co-dependency (not the greatest) and she has this lovely little business with counsellors and courses and seminars and that shit. Anyway, after I told her about my OCD (she asked what that was), Depression, Manic Depression, she said that I was too sick to be helped by her and that I really need the program offered by this private hospital. Great. passing the buck. I told her that I don't think a month in a "holiday camp" type atmosphere is going to fix my love issues as I am a love addict. I told her the hospital deal with really severe issues that impact on others' lives - gambling, drugs and sex addiction, which I don't have.

What the fuck is this place going to do?

I had my brother criticise me by email asking why do I want to do another course and how people can see that it is just an excuse to do more study - not get a REAL job, when I know that the "work" part of this course is the hardest!!!

Then, this smarmy psych who is on the sex site tells me that the reason no-one patronises my "blog" is because I am disturbed. It is not the first time I have been called disturbed.

I guess I am fucking disturbed. I guess it is fucking disturbing that I should disturb another man on the other side of the fucking world into saying what he did by email.

I guess I am this fucking disturbed person. Fuck, I even notice people looking at me and wondering whether as a therapist said to me years ago, "you have a haunted look on your face" Fuck, am I going to turn into some sicko criminal the way I am going, because it seems that I fuck everyone off and no-one fucking cares.

Everybody just pretends to like me or be my friend, but sooner or later I fuck them off or they fuck me off because they really don't show genuine signs of caring and I need that from people. I suppose I am a love addict. On this sex site, I am negative and I tell people how tough it is and how you are going to get your arse/ass kicked and how many of them are sex addicts and to basically leave me fucking alone because they are not going to get a fuck out of me anymore, but geez, I wonder. I am preaching to others about the site who need it to feed their egos and who need to fuck to feel good when I probably need more love than anyone else on that fucking mad site.

Because this woman is a psych (not the one I saw in real life) she says that the site is like real life and she can choose who she associates with. She met her new husband on there. So she calls me disturbed and tells me online in her blog that "I know what she thinks about my health and frame of mind..'

I guess it fucking hurts to know that the way the world truly looks at me, the way HE looked at me, ie Mr UK/Darcy/etc, looked at me was DISTURBED.

ONCE UPON A TIME I WOULD BE LOCKED UP IN A MENTAL INSTITUTION. NOW I AM FUCKING FREE TO ROAM THE FUCKING WORLD. THE FUCKING WORLD I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN BORN INTO.

THE FUCKING WORLD I WANT TO LEAVE AGAIN IN FUCKING DAMN FUCKING PEACE

February 8, 2007
8:48 am
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healintime
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Hi DD,

You get the good, bad, and ugly with counsellors - no one should ever tell you that you're "too sick" for them to help you. Maybe she thought you'd get better help somewhere else but that's no excuse for labelling, or pigeonholeing you.

You seem really self-aware and really willing to do the work to make positive changes. That's huge. To be honest, I remember your first few posts on here and I found them pretty confronting. You seemed to be in a lot of pain. Since then, I've also seen you give some really great, wise, thoughtful, kind, caring advice to others. I think that in any online community it takes a while for folks to get to know you. We all have our ups and downs - especially when we're in crisis. Most folks on support sites seem to know and accept that.

I'm not sure what kind of sex site you're on - but if your blog is warning people about the bad experience that you had and it's on a site where people are logging on for "good times" - it might just be the wrong audience.

And no matter what anyone says, or thinks - my feeling is that it's how -you- look at you that counts. People seem to follow our lead that way - the more comfortable we become with ourselves, the more comfortable they are. You're doing everything you can to be more comfortable with you - and nobody can ask or expect anything more of you.

Hugs,

H.

February 8, 2007
8:52 am
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healintime
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P.S. Any psychological counsellor who has to ask you what a common-knowledge condition like OCD is (it's pretty much in the public vocabulary nowadays) is - well.. maybe not the most up to date. Maybe instead of "too sick" she should have said she was "not qualified" to help you.

February 8, 2007
10:37 pm
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doubledilemma
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Thank you healin, the trouble is, I only need an email or a discussion post or two, or something else in my life to set me off onto tears and not being able to concentrate. I know she was right, that I am too severe for her to help, I can see her with that, because I told my psychiatrist that it was futile going to marriage therapy with my husband if I was still obsessed and mooning and pining over Mr Darcy and while I don't pine or moon over him, I am still really angry about it all.

The therapists and others here who initially commented may have suggested that he was not all there either, but look at the brave thing that Santoro has done with his ex.

FUCKING FANTASTIC SANTORO!!!!

David DID EXACTLY THE SAME THING - IN OTHER WORDS TELL A WOMAN ALREADY WITH A MAN TO FUCK OFF FOR GOOD, A WOMAN WHO WAS MARRIED AND WHO WAS JUST GOING TO CREATE EMOTIONAL DRAMA, BUT WANTING EMOTIONAL INVOLVMENT FROM HIM WHILE SHE STILL BEING MARRIED, IRRESPECTIVE OF THE FACT THAT HE GAVE NOTHING TO INDICATE I WAS SPECIAL AND IT WOULD HAVE BEEN IMPOSSIBLE EVEN IF I WAS, BEING IN AUSTRALIA. WHEN HE SAID, ALL HE SAW ME WAS A CHAT BUDDY FROM AUSTRALIA AND HE HAD ALL THE WOMAN HE WANTED WHO HE COULD FUCK IN THE U.K AND ANY WOMEN HE WANTED TO RE-MARRY WHO WOULD GO TO HIM AT THE SNAP OF HIS FINGERS, IT SEEMS.

WHAT SANTORO HAS DONE IS EXACTLY WHAT DAVID DID TO ME, TELL ME TO FUCK OFF, NO CONTACT EVER AGAIN, FUCK OFF OR I WILL CALL THE POLICE IN THE UK OR AUSTRALIA.

"FUCK OFF, AS I DON'T WANT ANY EMOTIONAL INVOLEVMENT WITH A MARRIED WOMAN LIVING IN OZ. FUCK OFF, YOU MAD, CRAZY, DISTURBED CYBER-STALKING SCARY AUSSIE BITCH WITH "TICKETS ON HERSELF" TO HAVE I EVEN HAD ANY REMOTE INTEREST IN ME THAT WAY!!!"

I know the situation with Santoro and his ex is different, but can't you all see the similarities. You can't blame Santoro for not wanting emotional triangles and dramas and in fairness, you could not blame David, as much as it fuckin' hurts to hear those things.

Believe you me, Santoro, your wife will be upset, she will be fuming mad to not have the option of ever calling you again, whether she feels any love for you, or not!!!

I know this sounds harsh, but it is me AND ONLY ME who is the fucked one here, not him...he was perfectly correct in not wanting to get involved with someone who was already married and was justifiably pissed off when I tried to turn into an emotional affair, which is why Mrs-I-don't-know-what-OCD is therapist-suggested that my love addiction is a serious problem, like gambling, smoking, sex, drugs, etc.

Yes, you are right, I give the sex site I blog on the wrong publicity and I purposely disparage myself on there in my profile, as I don't want any kind of involvement with anyone on the site, sexual or otherwise.

Because who in their right-fucking mind would have been looking to have an emotional affair with a man overseas or to leave her husband for him, two years ago.

No, there is absolutely NO WAY David is as emotionally fucked-up as me, even given what his ex-wife said about him being emotionally unavailable. My husband is similar in some respects and he can function. It is me who cannot function and he can still LOVE. He was there to have a good time and to fuck locally and to meet people to chat with. Finding someone who wanted more was not part of the equation. It threw him and it shocked him, it was so out-of-the ordinary.

I would bet that he was as shocked at me and how to deal with me and get rid of me, as I was as shocked at how much I could be driven to do what I did by sending him those emails and indirectly making that call. But never again. I will have my fuckless, childless and socially lonely marriage and my disturbed personality and leave other fucking people fucking alone, forever. As my husband says, do I think I am really going to be happier if I meet Mr "fuck-me-five-times-a-day?"

Is he gonna put up with my deplorable, disturbed and possibly brain-damaged personality and still want to fuck me five times a day or whatever horny people do then?

I don't think so. But then again, I should have not looked outside my marriage and stayed in my rightful place.

Of all the most fucked up people on this planet, I must really come close to taking the cake, I think.

BUT WHAT I DON'T GET IS, NO MATTER THAT HE WAS RIGHT AND JUSTIFIED, THAT FUCKING EMAIL FUCKING HURTS, NO MATTER THAT HE WAS 100% CORRECT, AS MEN USUALLY ARE, IT STILL FUCKING HURTS AND I DON'T WANT IT TO FUCKING HURT ANYMORE.

I DON'T WANT TO FEEL PAIN AND LONGING AND FRUSTRATION ANYMORE. I JUST WANT TO BE DEAD TO ALL THAT. WHAT I DID TWO YEARS AGO WAS CRAZY AND HE MADE SURE I WAS CALLED ON IT AND PUNISHED FOREVER FOR IT. THE TROUBLE IS, ACCORDING TO MY HUSBAND, IS THAT I HAVE NOT FACED THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS AND MY INABILITY TO DO THINGS WITHIN BOUNDARIES SET BY OTHERS, AND THIS WAS A CLASSIC EXAMPLE.

NOW, I PAID A THERAPIST AUD$700 A FEW MONTHS BACK FOR HER TO TELL ME THAT MY ISSUES WERE BASICALLY BOUNDARY ISSUES, THAT I HAD NO IDEA OF CROSSING BOUNDARIES AND THE WHOLE DAVID MESS WAS A BOUNDARY ISSUE AS I HAD NOT LEARNT ABOUT BOUNDARIES FROM CHILDHOOD. IT WAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE, FUCKING LOVE DIDN'T ENTER INTO IT, BECAUSE LOVE IS RECIPROCAL AND LOVE BREAKS DOWN BARRIERS, IT DOESN'T LEAD PEOPLE TO PUT UP DEFENCES LIKE HE DID.

BUT GOOD ON YOU, SANTORO, IN SOME WAYS, YOU PUNISHED THE BITCH, HER BOUNDARIES ARE COMPLETELY OFF IN TRYING TO CONTACT YOU.

JUST LIKE ME, WOMEN NEED SOME PUNISHMENT FROM MEN TO KEEP THEM IN LINE AND STOP THEM GETTING CARRIED AWAY WITH THEIR EMOTIONS. MEN NEED TO PROTECT THEMSELVES FROM THESE MANIPULATIVE AND EMOTIONALLY NEEDY WOMEN, TOO.

MEN NEED WOMEN WHO ARE CONFIDENT ENOUGH WITH ALL THIS, SO THEY CAN GET DOWN TO SOME SERIOUS FUCKING AND SERIOUS HAVING OF A GOOD TIME

SO TO YOU DAVID AND SANTORO, FORGET ABOUT ALL THE MAD, FUCKED-UP WOMEN WHO YOU HAVE EVER HAD THE MISFORTUNE OF COMING ACROSS

FUCK, HAVE A GOOD TIME AND FORGET!!!!

IN THE END, IT'S THE FUCK THAT IS REMEMBERED, NOT THE PERSON AND ANY GOOD QUALITIES THEY HAD!!!!!

FUCK ON GUYS!!!!!!!!

February 8, 2007
10:48 pm
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doubledilemma
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Sorry to shout everyone, I am just so sick of being in emotional pain and dealing with the frustration in my life about not being able to let go and be happy for him and whoever he is with or will be with. I know I have to do that, I know I have to die one day never having known, seen or met him, knowing that he hates and despises me for the shock I put him through. Sometimes, I just want that dying day to speed up a little, so I don't have to wait for it or waste the rest of my life getting over him and the dream that will never happen.

Bye everyone.

February 8, 2007
11:47 pm
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bevdee
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DD

I wonder if your therapist meant that she ws not experienced or qualified to deal with your problems, and suggested the hospital, because they would have better resources to help you?

Maybe you could talk with her(?) some more to see what treatment is available?

Bevdee

February 9, 2007
4:18 am
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alycia
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The counsellor was honest and said u are too sick to be helped by her. I totally agree with bevdee. I think this hospital she is talking about may be of help to you as it appears you still hold alot of anger inside you.

This man who you never met did not want to be involved with a married lady, he is similar to around 90 percent of the world in that he is not alone and i am another who would not want involvement with a married person....

I doubt anyone on here would ...

This man simply did not want a relationship with a married lady, you need to see it from his side as well, he did not want to complicate anyones life.

Have you been diagnosed with any other illnesses? I read your words and they tell me you have many issues that need addressing and i hope you can find the support to have that happen...

I would suggest a mental hospital, i do not say that in a nasty way, that perhaps is what the counsellor meant..

My exes friend ended up in one cause his ex left him and he couldn't handle it, he ended up being fine, they helped him out tons so it was valuable...

Santoro's situation is different, as everyones is, this is his ex girlfriend, not ex wife... she left him, he didn't leave her.... there is more to the story that meets the eye so he is not being the bad person by wanting no contact,

In knowing santoro it would be killing him inside, that is his main reason for doing it if u have followed his story from the start.

I am in australia also, i gathered u are too, there is a huge support network out here to help you. I hope one day you can find happiness with your partner cause i feel bad for him in some ways if u have feelings elsewhere.

I wish u well and i hope the counsellor can steer u in the right direction to seek some professional treatment.... all the best

February 9, 2007
6:08 am
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revelation
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I agree with alycia and bevdee.

I don't mean it to be nasty either.
I think perhaps your therapist used the wrong word...the word "disturbed" conjures up all sort of negatvie imagery...but, if you just take the word as it is "A disturbance" well, just from reading your posts DD, and remembering your story from last time....well, it does look as though you could do with some help.

I do think that maybe you could give this hospital a try...I'm training to be a psychotherapist...and sometimes, there are cases too severe...where the emotional pain has led to a psychological disturbance thats veered too much into the realms of psychosis for a therapist to be qualified enough to help.

DD, I do hope it doesn't hurt too much to read this....I mean this in the kindest possible way, but I too think it might be a good idea for you to do as the therapist suggests.

Rev.

February 9, 2007
7:14 am
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doubledilemma
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alycia and rev, thank you for taking the time for your reply. I was on the site now and I typed a post, it was to do with how he was friends with the Irish woman, who was single and who he fucked, but he could not be my friend. He rubbed it in my face, "I have a girlfriend who I love, basically you are no good and fuck off, you scare me too much to even be your friend or acquaintance" was another way of putting the words in his email and when you are on top of the world, well why shouldn't you rub it in someone else's face. Someone who is a fat, crazy, demented and twisted old cow like me.

I am sorry, I have to face and live with the fact that a man on the other side of the world, who was perfectly sane and rational and trying to fuck and enjoy life after his marriage ended, having nothing to do with me and poor old me can't handle it. I can't handle the fact that I have a husband who truly loves and cares for me, no matter what I do. What a fucking selfish bitch I am.

My husband is saying I should stop typing on here as I am obsessive and I keep going on and on about it and it is the wrong strategy. The fact is, this other lady on the site said that I chose to feel how I feel about him and nobody can make me feel anger or jealousy towards him. It is what I do. The fact remains that I vary and swing. For days and weeks on end I can forgive him and understand what he did. How I could never be anything to him and how he had no choice but to ask to be left alone. At other times, it kills me so much, especially his words, "..I know this is hard for you to take..." that I wonder how sincere he was in saying that, whether it was just to rub my face in it for being so undesirable, not because he was doing me and himself a favour by not getting involved, but that he used the whole situation to get a "one up" on himself and to convince me that I was not a good enough cunt or virtual cunt and that there are nicer, better looking and more available cunts than mine. Sorry to be so crude, but he did consider himself to be good a fucking as one of his interest groups was "practiced technique", well what else are you gonna do on the site, discuss emotional pain or find women who clamour over you and your good looks who almost beg you to fuck them, like the Irish lady did, and she DID get to fuck him. She has the memory of his cock being in her cunt, I don't therefore I am nothing but a useless mad birch who can be forgotten. This is how I get when I get angry, because that is what I was reduced to by him. A nobody, a nothing who didn't matter because I was obsessed with him and I had no right to be obsessed with him. What if I had somehow been in the fucking UK and fucked him?

What a fuckin mess I would be.

No, this man wants me dead. He wants me to suffer. They asked me at the psych hospital if I wanted to kill him and that they would have to contact him. At times I want to kill him, not because he has done anything wrong, but because it makes me angry that he is happy, fucking, he is happy fucking or not fucking, he is still happier than I am.

Therefore, I only scared him he can be happy but the only memory of me he carries is this scary Aussie bitch who would not take NO for an answer. That is not love, that is madness. Now, if he isn't going to die, then I am going to. One of us has to end it. The pain has to end somehow because I can't take it.

I have tried and prayed. I bought a candle from this guy Phelan in the US and accused him of being as much of a fraudster as the others. The candle was supposed to clear the negative energies. But nothing works, because this man represents death and the grim reaper for me. This man represents my evil, my jealousy, because he is happy fucking and calling another woman beautiful and lusting after her and me he thinks is a pitiful cow.

You see, if I was not possessed, if my heart was pure and if I really did love him, I would be happy for him, happy that he had found love again. But what did he show me? Did he show me a bit of love? Still, it doesn't matter, a oure of heart person would not have cared and when I am well I can do that. I don't care about him, I don't give him a thought. I feel sorry that he had the misfortune of getting involved with an obsessive woman when he had no idea of what I was like from the beginning. IT was his misfortune to suffer too.

But now I am still suffering. Whether he is still suffering, I don't know. I wish God would tell me if he is, because I am really sorry if he is. I am sorry for my husband too, because I cannot love him in the way I am supposed to love a husband. My husband will not have me speak about him at all but will justify his actions (ie the UK man).

Tonite, as I drove home, my anger overcame me. I don't know why I am suffering, I know it is not his fault that I am suffering and that he does not care as he is not the cause of my suffering. I know that it is not flattering at all to have a woman like me obsess over him, only a normal woman he would be flattered by the attention of. He was not the cause of my suffering, and I chose how to think about how he made me feel, yet I am suffering as a result of his actions. It just does not make sense to have these opposed views in my head at the same time. It is not fair that someone else should look upon his beauty and body and that someone else look into his eyes as he is making love to her, someone who did not love him and look at him as she took him inside her body. It is not fair that someone else should gaze adoringly at him when I did not know that he was looking for a woman to do so at the time we were emailing and chatting. He did not tell me he was looking for love. I made too many assumptions about him.

I know I have to forget him. I guess I am obsessed with the site. If I leave the site, I will cut all connection to him forever and just think about all the fucking that goes on among the people in the site and how I am not being fucked. I am being loved, but not fucked and we can't have it all. Even if I was being fucked, I would prefer to be fucked by him and not my husband.

For these thoughts, I deserve punishment, surely I deserve death, perhaps death is too good for me and I am being punished surely and slowly. I will get old and grey knowing that he has fucked and married, fucked and married and make love to some woman or countless woman and that he will always have the dreaded memory of the scary mad Australian woman who made him so scared he had to threaten to call the police on July 28, 2005. The man who if he read this, would just reaffirm that his conclusion about me was correct.

The man who does not care that I suffer, because it is NOT his fault that I suffer. Why should he care when he is not the cause of the suffering? IT is not his doing, it is not his marriage that was not working, it was not me who lusted after him, I was not him who emailed me, it was me who couldn't accept my marriage and had to go looking. It was me who was disenchanted. He did not lust after me and I should have kept my fucking lust between my fucking legs, where it belonged and let him alone to love who he wanted to love.

You see, I have no right, no reason to suffer and I still do. Logically, there is no reason why I should be upset at all. He had every reason to do what he did.

But my madness causes me to have anger and to suffer and to be jealous towards him and any woman he is with. God is making me pay and no matter what I do, he does not want to absolve me of this pain.

I must be in a manic cycle now, but it is strange, I just realised that I can be manic and depressed, instead of manic and happy. So when I am manic, I am actually worse, not feeling better, so even my manic is not true mania. I am fucked, I am typing fast, my head is rushing, I drove and I think I got a speeding fine and I had the music on full blast in the new car while driving through the city. I wanted to have an accident. I wanted to harm myself because it seems that what he did to me is not harming me enough. I haven't got the suffering out of my system yet, and I hate myself because I should NOT be suffering. There is no damn reason in this fucking world why I should be suffering because of him. Regardless of the cruelty of his email, he did nothing wrong, especially as we did not fuck or have a relationship.

I am fucked and David could smell it 17,000 km away, such is the instinct of man to know who he wants to be with. Crazy, but true.

THAT IS WHAT IS GOING TO GET ME AT THE END - the fact that I hate myself for suffering over him when I should not be suffering over him and I don't know why. There is no logical reason why I should be suffering over him. That is why I hate myself as I should only wish him love and happiness if I was a good person.

Sorry folks, I will try not to post here again, because as my husband says, it is doing me no good, convincing everyone that I belong in a mental hospital, when my husband does not agree and it would be too embarrassing for it to admit where I was for a month to his family and all I would think about it, Thank you David, for putting me here, when it is absolutely not his fault that I am in the hospital. Poor David and my husband are the innocent ones. I am the one who is unhappy because I am not fucked by this beautiful man and not happy with this love of my husband. I am the fucking madwoman who should be dead.

February 9, 2007
8:00 am
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Isis
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DD,

You don't deserve to suffer, and you don't deserve to die. What you need is help.

I hope you find the help and support you so desperately need.

Hang in there DD,

Isis

February 9, 2007
10:11 am
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taj64
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Sorry for all your troubles. I think if you stayed off the site where you have contact with the UK man will help you to get over him. Being on the site allows you to think of him, to be close to him somehow and that is no good for you. It keeps you tied to him. I seriously think this site is harmful to you, do you see that at all? I think not facing your own self and keeping yourself wrapped up in blaming somebody you have never even met is the problem. You need to find that connection to the good part of your life and start from there. Im sorry you are going through this. I would not give up. You deserve a better life for yourself than this. And if you do not really love your husband, then work on loving yourself. If you love yourself then you would not need to rely on love from him or a man you never met. neither are capable of giving you what you want. A man that is turned off by you, is not truly loving you as you claim that he is. Please hang in there and start with yourself, first and foremost.

February 9, 2007
10:50 am
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bevdee
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DD

I have a couple of thoughts. From reading Taj's post, I believe that staying off that site is crucial. On this site, they call it No Contact. Maybe you have read some of those threads? They are pretty informative. I had an obsession a couple of years ago, and it was when I severed contact that I began to heal from it. I think I can understand what you are going through. In a way, it's kinda cool that he is so far away, because you don't have to see him in person. You can turn off that pc and walk away from the site - in your face.

Your husband? He doesn't make love to you anymore? Girl, I know how rejected that can make me feel. The way I am? I always internalise stuff like that and first believe it is me. I'm not thin, I'm too old, my boobs aren't perky enough, I'm not fit enough, I'm a bitch, I'm boring... the list goes on and on.

How old are y'all? You know- I am 46, and that hateful menopause is creeping in, and it is just wreaking havoc with my hormones. Crying, horny, cranky, afraid. It's a roller coaster for me.

It may be that your husband is going through some things that may make him less - I don't know? Amorous? It could be physical, or emotional.

I am certain there would be folks in the hospital to talk to about all kinds of stuff. They have all these resources and services at their fingertips, all kinds of referral services. I say go for it.

(You won't have to cook for a while)

Bevdee

February 9, 2007
9:09 pm
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doubledilemma
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Folks, I had a severe electrical discharge, a storm in my head. It is like everything builds up and it has to discharge in this severe storm. I am not violent. I just want to harm myself for feeling this way when I shouldn't.

Hi folks, I talked to my husband. Firstly taj, the man doesn't love me, he doesn't care for me - I am not deluded about that, hon. I do not know where you got that idea from, did you misread it?

Yes, it is not his fault he found nothing of favour in me.

What my husband says is that somewhere in those neurons of mine in my brain, something doesn't work, because I treat him as if he was the loss of my mother, or my husband, or my sister or brother or a significant other, not as something who should have been nothing to me. Just like the other men I have met online on the site. They are nothing - if I lost contact with him, I may be upset and wonder for a bit, but I would not obsess. What the crazy thing in my mind is that I apportion him WAY TOO MUCH significance compared to real people in my life.

THAT IS THE MADNESS OF ME, G.

THAT IS EXTREME MADNESS WHICH NO-ONE CAN HELP ME WITH. TO ASSIGN SO MUCH THOUGHTS AND IMPORTANCE TO THE LACK OF FEELING AND AFFECTION FROM A MAN WHO I WAS NOTHING TO, AND WHO SHOULD BE NOTHING TO ME, IF I WAS HEALTHY AND SANE, LIKE HE IS.

What is obsessively freaky is that I have had obsessions over hair elastics and trivial bits and pieces and practically where pieces of dust have gone, ie over minor material things over the years, but all my crushes have gone. I cannot deal with loss of any sort, either by persons or things. But for a logical person who's brain was working, he would not matter, as I :_

OBVIOUSLY, I DID NOT FUCK HIM AND FUCKING creates a bond, like it did with the Irish woman who still said he was email friends with;

He found my personality and the whole episode so disagreable and scary that he could not be my friend anymore.

He said I was nothing to him, and that I would always be. That is logical to say that to a woman who you have never fucked or spoken to in real life and only had two instant chats to and exchanged emails with. That is normal for him to say that. It would be normal for any guy, right?

Now, somewhere in my brain, a wire has gone off in a really bad way. A boot camp environment in a trendy psych hospital for a month aint gonna fix that wire or tell me how wonderful I am even given that I have a screw loose in my brain or wire gone out of its socket.

Now, what happens is the anger and frustration and jealousy over him build up like an electrical current and then other things happen, like I miss taking my tabs for an hour or so, or some stressful event or events or upsetting events, and then the electricity in my brain discharges and I go manicly crazy. I become a freak and write the things that I do. I get anxious and panic becuase I know that by now he should be gone from my mind. He should mean nothing. I should only be thinking nice thoughts of him and wishing him will with whomever he is with.

I have to walk my path and it is very unfortunate for him that he had to meet me and I am sure he regrets the day, but I cannot apologise for it. I cannot make amends for me and the behaviour about me he disliked. I am not allowed to, nor do I wish to, there is no point.

If I get off the site completely, I will not be able to read about who is fucking whom or lusting about being fucked by whom. I see these beautiful women parading their bodies and enjoying the fact that the men want to fuck them. There will be no substitution of that fucking for me. Do you know sometimes I pleasure myself and I think of him fucking the Irish lady (who is gone from the site) and what it would look like for them both? Yes, there will be absolutely NO connection left with him either and I have to do it, but I am not strong enough to do it.

I dunno, perhaps I am a masochist and I would rather suffer than forget, as to forget what he has or is going to have is too painful.

I have never tried electric shock, because I have my good weeks when I think about him and I am O.K., I just don't care, but then there are others when I am seething with anger about what happened and now I think perhaps my future is in successive shock therapy. I have to be clear in my mind though, before I have the shock therapy that he is not to blame or the cause of why I need to have the shock treatment. So it will take ages in terms of therapy to make sure that I am having the ECT so that I feel good, not that I am having the shock treatment because he is to blame for rejecting me, right folks?

I have to be in a state where I clear him of any blame for my misery and my marriage. The thing is, people think I would not have felt the same if my marriage was happy. Bullshit, if I was happy, I would still think of him. I am that kind of person. Once I get something into my head that I want, I will stop at nothing to get it. That is my eternal madness.

You lovely people don't know what it is like to have this eternal madness of wanting something you cannot have. Ever. Not even a substitute. It is as if the world is saying, here bitch, suffer because you will never have me. But life is cruel like that, yes, life is cruel. Not just to me, but to everybody.

Now, does that seem more logical, that I have to be counselling and therapised into a state where I stop being angry at him and blaming him for my unhappiness and consent to having something like ECT for me and not because it is more suffering indirectly linked to him?

Now, that sounds better right?

O.K., so I have to get off that friggin' site to really cure myself, but I have to stop blaming him and make sure that at least that is firmly in my wiring, right?

This is what I need your help with folks.

Please help me.

Please.

February 9, 2007
9:14 pm
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doubledilemma
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Sorry taj, my husband and I have never really had a sexual relationship. My sexuality was very repressed from before I got married. I was ashamed and embarrassed about it, so that part of our lives never worked.

That is why the site was such a shock to me. Men and women fucking. Women actually wanting to be fucked by men. Beautiful men like David having a bevy of women wanting to fuck him, like the Northern Irish lady who told me she chased him. They fucked in London and she doesn't even live there. She lives in Belfast and he in the Ipswich area. Holy fuck and they went to London to fuck. That is how much they wanted to fuck.

Only these awful men on the site want to fuck me. I have fucked the most awful men who don't know love-making from their cocks.

No, I don't care that my husband and I don't fuck. I don't care, I don't want to fuck him. I can love my husband and I do love him without the fucking as he takes care of me.

O.K., sorry taj, I misunderstood you.

February 9, 2007
9:30 pm
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DD

AAC is a great site, but you do understand that no one here is in a professional capacity, don't you? It's more support than therapy.

I feel for you that you are in such obvious pain.

Bevdee

February 10, 2007
2:09 am
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doubledilemma
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bevdee and others, thank you, you amazingly wonderful and beautiful women in every capacity. I am in pain, but then perhaps my pain threshold is rather weak, compared to others...I am talking about emotional pain, not physical pain, as I have never given birth for instance.

I don't know what I would do without this forum. I would probably have been admitted by now, as I was going to be before Christmas, but thankfully, the vacation away with hubby meant I got better. Now, I have taken a downslide again, which is why we must watch girls like Jewel. I know Jewel is on a little high now, but she could do downhill again. That is why I worry about you. It just takes a few things happening to trigger me, nothing even majorly bad, just a collection of things. In fact, I had better alert here.

Also, it is tough, but I enjoy responding to others pain. It is like I am some person with a multiple personality. I can be confident and strong around others' but a complete maniac needing hospitalisation around others'.

I have a mission which perhaps I should share. I think that for every student who is in this field, either studying or just starting, or even someone working in it, it should be mandatory for them to participate in forums such as these. It dismayed me a few months back when I logged on to the British Depression Support site, where people post their problems on there...would you believe that most people were lucky if they got ONE response from someone on that site. The Australian one I checked also, but I did not remember.

That makes me very sad and makes me think how lucky we are here on this forum. What about those people on that forum, God knows what they are going through and who is there for them?

Yes, I am in pain and I feel the pain of others, but even for me it can be too much to deal with mine to help others', as much as I would like to, but it is a good medicine helping others.

February 10, 2007
2:43 pm
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truthBtold
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DD,

I am so sorry that you are in so much pain.

I don't know if the timing for this would be right for you, but it sounds like you are finally saying Enough is Enough.

Please check out 2BE HAPPY'S thread on "The Awakening."

It might help.

((((((HUGS)))))))

February 11, 2007
5:44 pm
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Pardon me for saying this but you have a really vulgar mouth.

I think most of your problem is not dealing with yourself. You spend too much time a site where nobody gives a crap for you. If you want people to love you, you have to love yourself.

Get off that horrid site!!! It is only causing you severe pain. And the more you get on it, the more wretched you get. It is sincerely a bad drug for you.

I hope you find the strength to realize in order to get better you need to want to do something about instead of putting blame on people who live clear across the country who have nothing to do with you.

You think people don't care but they do, and you need to allow them to try to help you instead of running to others that want nothing to do with you. Find love where it truly is. And it is NOT on a ridiculous website where people are only interested in talking dirty or hooking up.

Keep trying to seek answers.

February 12, 2007
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revelation
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I must agree with Taj...why do you feel the need to be so vulgar DD? Does it offer some sort of release for you?

I must re-iterate also what bevdee said...are you aware that there are no professional therapists here...this is a support site only???

I do feel that you are just delaying the inevitable here DD...and that is...at least in my opinion from reading your posts....you need some sort of ongoing professional help...something beyond what this site, your husband or any other layperson can offer. You do need professional help.

Rev.

February 12, 2007
12:00 pm
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dd,

I agree. Get off that site! This is all completely feeding into your pain and is an addiction. No Contact from the site would be a first step.

If you are a love and sex addict, there are 12-step programs for this. Maybe attending a meeting would be good to see if this is right for you. Maybe through your association with a 12-step group you could find an appropriate therapist. I think the boundaries of the therapists you have had contact with are inappropriate and damaging. There are also therapists that specialize in the healing of love and sex addiction and I would seek these specialists out.

It really sounds like you have had enough of all of this and you can use your anger to find the help and resources your need. This anger can give you the energy to get your needs for therapy and support met. Just find the right therapist for you.

The problems you are having with these addictions are most likely things that not too many people can really relate to here. I have had problems with love addiction in the past, on an emotional, not sexual, level, so I am not sure I have anything else of value to offer here.

Also, reading Pia Mellody's book: Facing Love Addiction was a very healing thing for me. It helped me understand why I got entangled with the kind of people and situations I did.

February 12, 2007
2:03 pm
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turnabout
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Returning to that site again and again isn't keeping you connected to him. It's only keeping you connected with his rejection, forcing you to relive it over and over. At this point, he isn't rejecting you anymore. He did that once and it was over. By going to that site and obsessing over this, you revisit his rejection, making it current. He is silent. It's your own voice repeating his rejection in your head making you feel so worthless. It's really YOU rejecting YOU at this point. It's not even about him or what he did now.

I wish you could see that you deserve better than to be subjected to such relentless and brutal rejection. But the only one punishing you in all of this is yourself. No one else. Not God and not even that guy, David, or whatever his name is.

You deserve better. You really do.

February 12, 2007
3:18 pm
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bluegirl
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Dear Doubledillemma

I have read your posts and have wanted to reach out ..but am a bit confused about your situation...Would you summarize for me

With caring,

Blue

February 12, 2007
4:00 pm
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doubledilemma
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Firstly, to address bevdee, who said:-

"Your husband? He doesn't make love to you anymore? Girl, I know how rejected that can make me feel. The way I am? I always internalise stuff like that and first believe it is me. I'm not thin, I'm too old, my boobs aren't perky enough, I'm not fit enough, I'm a bitch, I'm boring... the list goes on and on."

Yes, hon. Sorry I did not mean to overlook your comment. The funny thing is, before I met Mr UK/David I was O.K., with things...I didn't have passion in my marriage and had never experienced it, so I found this site, thinking I needed to find a passionate man and it was like "love at first sight" when I saw his photo then I played out this passionate romance in my head, only for him, it was nothing, it was just something he, what's the expression for, O.K. humoured me with until I said something that went too far and he cut off my emails. Then the passionate plea that followed was ignored, the one in which I cried my heart out to him in. The one in which some men would be absolutely bowled over to receive. But if I have never gone on the site, if I had never met him, I would be none the wiser and still pretty much happy wiht my marriage, but obviously, I was repressing alot of unhappiness and frustration before I joined the site.

taj and rev, I am sorry if I have such a vulgar mouth. I have clearly offended you and your sensitivities and I will try to desist in future, it is my anger which overcomes me. I have terrible anger over this. I don't know if either of you are sexually repressed,or if you just don't think it is necessary for me to talk like this, but when a woman has a man by the "balls", i.e., she has managed to get him to have sex with him, then she possesses him in a certain way. He has had to give in to her, to give in to his carnal urges, he has chosen her. Just like the Irish woman, the Northern Irish woman. DO you understand the power, the sexual power that women like that have over someone like him? Power that I did not have, could not have had due to my naivete. I remember him saying that it pleased him when women emailed him (as I thought it strange that I had done so). Well it seems like I was not the first and that perhaps he doesn't even need to email them. I mean, a profile I spotted on a UK site states that "I am interested in hearing from women"...and I bet he has no shortage of them. I don't know whether this profile is pre- or post-marriage.

I use vulgar sexual language, because that is how it feels for me. Not only so much the sexual rejection, which I can't complain about as I was on the other side of the world, but the complete rejection of me as a human being. How the fcUK do you feel that feels like?

How do you think it feels to be told, I don't want anything more to do with you, to not have any notion of having anything more to do with me because I "have no interest and never will" How do YOU fcUKing know how fcUKing painful it feels to be reminded of that every day? Plus as if that wasn't bad enough hearing about the marriage, for good measure I had to be threatened with the police being called if I called him again, when I was shitting myself just getting poor Karolyn, my friend in NZ to call him.

Lemme tell you about how my blood boils when I think of the Northern Irish woman. Imagine this woman in your head. You see his photo but think, Oh he is too good looking for me. But you send him five or so emails, as she said, "I chased him" They had a night in London. She said she was nervous and sweaty for days beforehand and was recovering from some ski accident or something. So they meet and she said "I did my best to keep up with him." So I imagine him fucking her, in every way, in every orifice, from behind, in front, in every position. She said "I did my best to keep up with him" and "I was disappointed he did not wish to see me again". God knows what a sexual athlete he must be, or he uses viagra. I don't know.

In other words, he is such a good fuck that she, a lovely, 36-year old, extremely buxom, brunette and almost certainly beautiful educated woman and sexually confident and liberated woman who told me that financially that she had understood what it was like to "feel like you are losing your mind" after losing everything to a gambling ex-husband and being literally left holding a 6-month old baby, was now "set for life" was not good enough for him to give another chance to? O.K., well she is in Northern Ireland and he apparently in the East of England and they met in London, so there must have been sufficient fireworks to do that. I have never travelled so far, nor would I, to fuck a man from that site!!

Yet, they remained email friends and she stated "I wish he could see me know". Of course, she would not reveal whether he had in fact married or not. She was protective of him. He did not want to see her again, but she protected him, safeguarded his details. She prayed for me and wished me happiness (I do not know how a woman who is sexually active thinks that praying for me is going to help. But she did not wish to help. She said she would tell me nothing about whom she has slept with on the site and I that I needed to know nothing more about David and that "I have no way of helping you with this". This was a year ago, 2006.

The most disconcerting this she said to me in November or December 2005 was "well, perhaps if you had met him, you could see how flawed he is in heart, mind and body".. Yeah right.

Flawed.

In Heart? - Well, she and he are email friends, even though perhaps the chemistry was not right for him. He still considers her his friend.

Body ? - well, she was disappointed he did not want to see her again after the London tryst, but wished as of January 2006 that "I wish he could see me now".

Mind - ? I don't know. If it is a personality thing, he surely found mine most disagreeable.

I have been to damn therapists, to damn counsellors, to damn psychiatrists. One therapist suggested that this was the first time in my life in which I had tasted true heartbreak. I agreed. She also said that perhaps the solution for me, was to find a discreet lover. What else do I do? Leave the man who loves me to death and ruin his life? No way.

I am happy to have my life ruined, even though it is not this man's fault, but I will not ruin my husband's life because I was born or developed a sick brain. My husband just isn't into sex. Just like some husbands aren't into a certain food, or a certain sport, or a certain way of dressing, etc. This therapist said think of it this way. I like strawberries, but I can't have them or certain people don't like strawberries. David thought of me as a strawberry, as a taste he did not like after a short while.

turnabout, you are absolutely right. YOu put it so well, I know that going to the site is painful for me, but it's as if he wants me to suffer. It's as if he doesn't care whether I suffer. It's as if he is saying, well, my rejection of her is not my problem or my fault. I did not want to get involved with her in the way things were going and I did the right thing for me and I asked her politely to leave me alone and fuck off.

David is in effect saying the following to me:-

"You being on the site makes no difference to me. You can stay on it or go. I still have no feelings for you, never had, and never will. You can wish, pray to kingdom come or until your heart's content that I will change my mind or feel regret or apologise, but I owe you nothing and I do not owe you any apology"

RIGHT???

"You being on the site, blogging about your feelings related to me or whatever, still makes no difference. It just shows I was right in my summation of you and your personality and how mistaken I was to ever begin communicating with you"

RIGHT???

"You being on the site and not moving on is really scary if not for the fact that you cannot get me to respond. The fact that you have not moved on after almost two years after the last polite email I sent you in February 2005, really shows and underscores what a disturbed and absolutely unappealing person you were and still are. Thank God, I had the wisdom to see this and do something about it before it got out of hand even worse."

RIGHT???

"I HAVE moved on with my life. I have married or I am happy enjoying great sex and good times with beautiful women from the site who email me and who I travel to meet or who sleep in my bed. I hope to have beautiful children and a family soon. I am happy. I don't even think of you as you are nothing and will always be nothing, or worse, someone I wish to forget. I did nothing to harm you, or to lead you on about my feelings or to cause you to intentionally think of me as cold. I am not like that in real life, but you scared me and left me with no choice, so I am sorry if I left you with that impression of me.

(But the fact that I have found or will find a new wife would show that I am a good, loving and kind person in real life.)"

RIGHT??

WHICH OF THE ABOVE ANSWERS IS RIGHT, CAN YOU GUESS ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

OF COURSE - THE ANSWERS ABOVE ARE ALL RIGHT.

ALL THREE ANSWERS ABOVE ARE RIGHT, SILLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL YOU LOVELY LADIES, THE ANGER OVER THIS IS SEETHING INSIDE ME AND EATING ME UP. I KNOW I SHOULD NOT FEEL ANY ANGER TOWARDS HIM AS HE WAS JUST DOING AND RESPONDING TO WHAT HE WAS FEELING. BUT I FEEL THAT SOMEONE HE HAS NOT SUFFERED AND WILL NOT SUFFER IN LIFE. HE WILL GO ON HAPPY, OBLIVIOUS TO THE HEARTACHE AND LONGING THAT I FEEL FOR HIM. THE PASSION THAT I WILL NEVER FEEL FOR ANYBODY AGAIN. I CANNOT IMAGINE KISSING, HUGGING, BE HELD OR BEING ADORED BY ANYONE. I KNOW MY HUSBAND CANNOT DO THIS. I DON'T WANT IT FROM ANYONE ELSE. I CAN GET IT FROM SOMEONE BUT IT WOULD BE FAKE.

BUT EVEN IF HE FELT NO PASSION, IT SEEMS HE FELT NOTHING. THAT IS WHAT HURTS. I COULD NOT BE FORGIVEN. EVEN IF TO SAY TO ME, I CANNOT BE YOUR FRIEND, BUT I FORGIVE YOU.]

WHY DID HE NOT FORGIVE ME?

WHY DID HE NOT FORGIVE ME?

WHY AM I SUCH A BAD PERSON THAT HE COULD NOT BRING IT UPON HIMSELF TO FORGIVE ME?

HOW CAN I LOVE MYSELF WHEN SOMEONE WHO I DON'T KNOW CANNOT FORGIVE ME. AS IS HE DOES NOT CARE WHETHER I AM FORGIVEN OR NOT.

HOW CAN A HUMAN BEING, WHOM GOD BRINGS LOVE AND WOMEN AND THE PLEASURE OF SEX INTO HIS LIFE, ALSO ALLOW HIM NOT TO FORGIVE ME?

WHY DOES GOD, THROUGH HIM, HATE ME SO MUCH?

WHAT HAVE I DONE TO YOU, GOD, THAT THROUGH THIS MAN, DAVID, YOU HATE ME SO MUCH AS TO HAVE INCARNATED THIS MAN TO HATE ME AND DESPISE ME SO MUCH AS TO IGNORE MY FEELINGS, BUT AT THE SAME TIME, BRING LOVE AND JOY AND SEX INTO HIS LIFE, AS IF I AM MEANT TO BE TORTURED AND TO DIE OVER THIS.

PLEASE GOD, TELL ME. I NEED TO KNOW SOON.

PLEASE, JUST TELL ME EVERYONE THAT I DESERVED THIS. THAT DAVID WAS A GOOD PERSON AND THAT I DESERVED THIS FOR SCARING HIM OR WHATEVER.

PLEASE TELL ME THAT THAT I AM EVIL AND THAT HE COULD SEE THE EVIL IN ME AND I AM PAYING FOR NOT LOVING OTHERS ENOUGH.

PLEASE TELL ME WHY I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HIM. NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO BE HIS FRIEND. NOT GOOD ENOUGH TO FORGIVE. TELL ME WHY GOD WANTS ALLOWS DAVID TO NOT KNOW HOW MUCH I SUFFER.

WHY DOES DAVID NOT CARE WHETHER I SUFFER. I MUST BE A BAD HUMAN BEING IF SOMEONE CANNOT CARE THAT I SUFFER.

PLEASE TELL ME THE TRUTH, EVERYONE.

PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ME THE TRUTH.

February 12, 2007
4:38 pm
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Loralei
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DD, all of this is in your mind. You are making these conversations, thoughts and scenarios up in your imagination. What David 'did' to you was what happens to people every day. It would be no different if you had gone on an actual date with him and he decided that you weren't the one for him. So he goes to the next woman in line. That's what dating is. That's what getting to know people on these matchmaking sites is all about. You screen candidates to see if you want to take it any further. And quite often, one party is more interested than the other party. There's nothing more to it.

You are taking his disinterest in you way too personally. For one, you are married. You don't even live on the same continent. And your overly emotional reaction to him scared him away. That's why he didn't want to remain online friends. Take it from me, you can only scare a man once and he's outta there. There are no second chances. Been there, done that. I flipped out one time after meeting a guy and sharing a kiss. I fell head over heels for him and it freaked him out. It felt like temporary insanity to me. I lost control and bugged him to death. Hence, I was promptly dumped. Yes, it hurt like hell. I tried to remain online 'friends' with him but that was short-lived. I learned a painful lesson from that experience. I learned never to give my heart totally away to someone unless they were giving their heart to me in return. It was all my doing. None of this was the guy's fault.

I know you are hurting. Your lack of experience with sexual men is partly the cause for this overwhelming desire for a passionate mate. That part of you has been awakened and it's hard to deny now that those feelings have surfaced. Sometimes we females are a lot like an animal in heat. Those basic urges are terribly strong. And since you've never had those needs met with your husband, you feel trapped. I do know exactly what that's like. Loving them, not wanting to hurt them, but the passion and great sex is missing. There are no easy answers.

Since your husband has no interest in sex, would he consent to letting you "date" other men in the area? It isn't fair to be forced to go through life without experiencing the joys of passion. Or get a divorce and remain close friends with him. That way you'd always be there for each other. There really aren't many options for these dilemmas. But know that we do care and don't want to see you hurting.

February 12, 2007
4:54 pm
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I don't know why the screen is too wide??

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