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anything's possible...
July 21, 2007
2:08 pm
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marypoppins
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I was just thinking about the miniscule amounts of hope I've clung to to justify continuing unhealthy relationships.

One guy stammered, "Well, I don't know. Uh, maybe we have a future. I mean, uh, anything's possible."

That HAS to be the ultimate definition of a codependent - hanging hope on an EXPRESSION! Anything's possible. Yeah, an invasion of aliens, Big Foot, our relationship...

mary

July 21, 2007
9:00 pm
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fantas
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Marypoppin, I don't know if you meant it this way but that made me laugh. I guess reading it sounds pretty bad but then I know I have used every explanation and excuse to justify some very sick relationships.

July 21, 2007
9:51 pm
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Mary,
You crack me up. I don't know if you read my thread about R calling but
He loves me
I am beautiful
I am wonderful
We have no future
We can't be together
He misses me
He doesn't want to be involved wiht a woman with a child
He is lonely and wants to get married
He didn't want to talk to me because he knew he would get emotional and cry.
ETC
So what have I clung to?
I have this picture of you in my mind. I hope all is going well in your world. How long have you and your husband been married? Is he the father of your child?
I think back on what my ex mother in law used to tell me. No man will ever love your child as much as her father. Sometimes I wish I had stayed just so my daughters life would have been different.

Bitsy

July 21, 2007
11:30 pm
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Mary - my guy sat there in my living room once, drunk as a f-n skunk after I'd literally gone and gotten him off the street where he was busily and quite literally killing himself with alcohol... he was filthy and reeked so badly of booze I could smell him from across the room... eyes and tongue rolling around his stupid head you know? And he had the nerve to say at THAT MOMENT that he thought he was the best thing that's ever happened to me and he'd be a FANTASTIC husband for me, if I'd just have him.

At that moment... I laughed at him. And then I thought to myself "well, when he's sober, he's so darn loving and kind... not to mention he really is handsome... when he's sober that is, which he WILL get sober, because he loves me so darn much, of course he'll want to get sober." I kept clinging to the idea that SOBRIETY was the answer to all our troubles. And then he did get sober for a few weeks and I discovered that I really don't like him at all. He's just a whining spoiled little brat who seems to think that everybody should feel sorry for him because he's spent the past twenty years of his life drinking himself to death.

Anything's possible you said... I guess it's possible that I WILL get over this anger long enough to stop punishing myself so I can get out of the house and give myself a chance to meet people who are sound in mind, body and spirit so I can go about the business of getting on with my life.

July 22, 2007
12:13 am
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You guys are funny.

I actually thought I had met "the one". He was smart, cute, funny, seemed to have his act together. EXCEPT he was missing a front tooth, didn't really have a job, was cheap cheap cheap, but spoke of diamond mines and ski resorts. Also spoke of hired assasins, stalking, vandalism, and revenge. Talk about love being blind. He had TWO profiles up on a dating site and would be there day in and day out. But whenever I would see him I just knew he was the one for me, toothless grin and all.

Sheesh......

I'm like you, the girlfriend. I tend to hide in the house- I am still a bit embarrassed about the whole thing.

SD

July 22, 2007
12:52 am
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toothless grin and all

Oh my lordy lord... I almost peed myself laughing!!! THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH FOR THAT!!! :)))))

July 22, 2007
2:08 am
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Thank you, all of you for sharing. Yes, I did intend to poke fun at myself, but I was totally unprepared for all of your stories. Oh, what a good laugh! I laughed so hard my husband and our daughter ran into the room. I flipped off the monitor, still laughing, and apologized for not being able to share. Oh, so funny. Makes me wish we could all get together and exchange more stories. It feels so good to laugh. I know this is just the tip of the iceberg on this forum. Can you imagine the wealth of material here? I'm also thinking about those times with friends and family members, when we've introduced our "special guys". Our Frog Princes...

Oh, thank you again. I must say that, in my case, my husband has turned out to be the best of the lot. He works hard, takes good care of our family, and has all of his teeth! 🙂 Fortunately, I missed his crazy drinking days. When I met him 17 years ago, he'd just completed 3 years of steady 12-step meeting attendance. We've been through rough times, but we've learned a lot and we're united in our devotion to our daughter. Right now, we're trying to build intimacy and trust. However, I'm not going to let go of my need to work on finding some of my own happiness.

Wishing all of you well.

Mary

July 22, 2007
2:25 am
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fantas
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Oh this is so funny ladies. It made my evening and reminded me how I dated this guy who had such bad body odor and breath, I could just puke thinking about him now. I would drive to his home town to visit him but because his parents didn't like me and told him they'd disown him if he married me, I would wait for him at a Sharis restaurant for a whole day. I drank so much hot chocolate they started to refill. But the clencher was that I'd cook all this amazing food so that we could eat together. So I was a little Marthar Stewart, drinking hot chocolate at Sharis, while she waited for her spineless man. I thought, I had it made and I dared anyone to show me a better man. Despite his very obvious flaws he was quite generous, when he had money. Oh yeah, I gave him spending money too. I was in love...

July 22, 2007
10:02 am
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You know I really have missed out on a lot of the crap other women have had to put up with. Except for dating in high school and a little in college, I have only had three serious relationships. I was engaged to one, engaged and married to another, and now we all know how my realtionship with R went. I guess he gave me enough crap to catch up with the rest of you. I can't help it, I cried a little last night. It entered my mind that after R and C got lunch at the beach yesterday they probably went to the condo and hung out at the pool or on the beach. That was some of what attracted me to him... Every one of our vacations had a beach. We would hang out by the pool or beach, drink fruity drinks, read books, and talk about them. Most recently we went to St. Lucia. He was catching up with me on J D Robb books and we were discussing them and how Mariska Hargitay would make the best Eve Dallas. We never had cast Rourke. But he would laugh and call me Eve and I would laugh and call him Rourke. I miss the companionship and unfortunately he was my best friend at the time. Now I am lost. I don't have that with anyone else. The most my ex-husband reads is the morning newspaper. My daughter leaves for camp today. I am doing an open house today. Tomorrow night I have call night and I already have plans with an acquaintance to go to Chamber After Hours on Tursday.

Bitsy

July 22, 2007
11:31 am
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marypoppins
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Bitsy,

You had GREAT times with R. Those are wonderful memories to treasure.

I've lived in Europe and Asia and of course, various guys are connected to different places. I feel lucky to have all of those memories of good and even bad times.

This process takes time. It may be easier to let go if the focus is on what didn't work, what was "toxic" - what we don't want to repeat. But when we truly open our heart to someone and allow ourselves to be vulnerable, healing after a break up takes time. Better to have loved and lost...

I'm so happy to hear that you've been having fun with your daughter. Mine is nearly 12. How old is yours? How long will she be away at camp?

Sounds like you're keeping busy. Again, I think you're doing GREAT. You have dealt with calls from him, running into him around town - can't be easy.

Have a good day!

Mary

July 22, 2007
11:55 am
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Mary,
My daughter will be 10 in September. She leaves today and will be back Friday.
Maybe I need to make a pro/con list and put it all down on paper. So many of my books are in storage, but I do have one on being single that I need to go find.

Bitsy

July 22, 2007
12:39 pm
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Bitsy,

I also wanted to mention that when I lived overseas, I worked and lived by myself for most of the time. It was very empowering to learn new languages and manage on my own in foreign countries.

A couple of years ago, my daughter and I drove to Santa Fe and had a blast. We didn't spend much money, but we still had a great time.

I'm still sleeping in my own room right now, and my husband and I haven't had sex in a couple of years. I hope we can work things out, but it's going to take time. I'm acutely aware right now of my need to be my own best friend and enjoy my own company.

Take care!

Mary

July 22, 2007
12:45 pm
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Mary
Looking back on the past 4 or 5 years of my life. I wish I had continued sleeping in the guest room and worked on my marriage. As I stated before, my MIL always told me that no man would love my child as much as her father did. She went through hell for many years with my FIL, but eventually they found that place of love and peace and she misses him now that he is deceased.
Good luck, I am cheering for you to work things out. I am just hurting so much right now.

Bitsy

July 22, 2007
12:48 pm
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readyforachange
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yes, anything is possible. Like you spending years in an unhealthy, unhappy relaitonship where you neglect yourself and your needs to make sure that you can be a "couple".

I may be a bit jaded, but I have seen far too many women in unhappy relationships neglecting their needs because they felt they needed to be with someone.

Friday night, I went out with a group of girlfriends. We're all in our mid-40's. Three have never been married, I'm divorced. We had dinner, and then went to a posh hotel to listen to a swing band, dance and drink martinis. I had more fun than I've had on any date, and we laughed like there was no tomorrow.

I came home to my very own house, knowing that I was a strong, idependent woman who didn't need a man to take care of her or validate her. If I meet someone, great. But that person has to be someone who values that I am self-sufficient and will never NEED him.

I don't know that there are any men out there who can handle that.

July 22, 2007
7:09 pm
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I am alone tonight and loney. I just had dinner, shrimp, vegetables and wild rice. As I read back through this I started crying. I don't want to be alone. It's only 10 after 6 and I have all night to face alone. I have no one to call, no where to go. All my friends are part of couples and it is Sunday night they are getting ready for their week. I had an open house today. I went by a friends on the way home. It was her son's first birthday. There is nothing on TV to watch yet. I have a whole week of this to look forward to. I tried to read a book and just couldn't get focused and get interested. I hate it when I cry. My nose gets stuffed and I cna't breath.

Bitsy

July 22, 2007
7:57 pm
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((((Bitsy))))

So sorry you're feeling so down. I have been there, believe me.

I still cherish my cave time- I love hanging out alone sometimes. But its hard to do when you're sad.

Sometimes I rent some videos I want to see, pick up some nice take out. Take a bubble bath, schedule to get a massage or a facial, go to a movie alone, go to a book store and browse, pick up a new self help book, give yourself a pedicure. There's all sorts of things you can try to do to get yourself out of the house. Do you belong to a gym? Maybe go sit in the jacuzzi?

Sometimes being around other people helps, even if they are strangers.

SD

July 22, 2007
9:40 pm
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An advertisement just came on for one of our favorite restaurants and that set me off on a whole nother tangent. I got married when I was 22. So of course money was tight. When I was dating R I never had to worry about what I ordered or how mch it cost. Now he has told me I was a user and took advantage of him So what is the rule on a date. Do you ask what he is ordering and order something less expensive. Do you order what you want and not worry about it. What do you do? I don't know how to date. Not that I have any prospects on the horizon.
Everything is setting me off tonight and all I can do is cry. I have cried over the most stupid stuff. I don't know what to do. I can't imagine going on a date. I can't imagine being comfortable with a man. I don't know what to talk about or what to do. Do they pick you up. Do you meet them somewhere. What do you do?

Bitsy

July 22, 2007
10:12 pm
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Dear Bitsy,

I can only speak about how I behaved with my last bf. Since we were both employed, we took turns paying for dinner. This was at my insistance. I don't think males should always have to pay for everything merely because of the fact that they were born males. This worked out very well for both of us. To me its only fair. And when it was his turn to pay, I never over did it in terms of what I ordered.

And the same was true if we went anywhere. Either we took turns paying or we paid our share.

In terms of where did would we meet, we met at a point that was half way between both of our homes. Or I would drive over to his place. I did not want to introduce him to my son. It was too soon for that.

You said you and R. always had a lot to talk about. So why do you think it would be a problem starting up a conversation with someone else?

Oh, going back to your favorite restaurant, you can still go. You don't need a man to go to a restaurant. YOu can go with a friend, your daughter or even by yourself. I went to Chicago last year (by myself) and ate somewhere different every night. I had a great time.

Have a good night Bitsy. I wish you well.

Sad

July 22, 2007
10:15 pm
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Bitsy,

Please excuse the typos. I think it is time for me to get to bed.

Again, have a good night.

sad

July 22, 2007
10:15 pm
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Bitsy... if you need to cry, let yourself cry. Sometimes I find crying to be very healing. As for dating... I don't personally believe in "dating rules". I've tried following them and I've ended up with guys I wasn't really interested in to begin with. I say just be yourelf. Follow your heart and use common sense. Right this moment, today... doesn't sound like you're in a dating mode anyway. Sounds to me like you need to take care of yourself

readyforachange... I think you have a very healthy outlook. Too many times, people make the wrong sorts of compromises and stay in unhealthy dynamics just because they're afraid to be alone.

Of course there are men who value independent and strong women! I'd say there are probably lots of them... we just tend to overlook them because they might seem too boring for us. Too well adjusted maybe. Not enough drama lurking in the shadows. No toothless grin and drunken ramling stories to share with our friends. 😉

There are plenty of happy and peaceful couples out there. Just as there are plenty of happy and peaceful single people. We just don't hear from them, because they are content. And quiet.

July 23, 2007
4:22 pm
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Since I was depressed, lonely, whiney, and pitiful all weekend and you guys had to deal with me, I will tell you how happy I am today.
I had a closing on Friday and today the lady I helped buy a house sent me a beautiful bouquest of Stargazer Lillies.

Bitsy

July 23, 2007
4:57 pm
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Bitsy:

Thats nice to hear that women bought you flowers. Sometimes its things like that from people we don't expect anything from that can renew our faith. Glad you're feeling a little better.

I've been in cave mode myself, but today I talked to 2 dif contractors that I work with and feel a little more connected to the world again.

SD

July 23, 2007
5:54 pm
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Bitsy...good for you!!!!

July 23, 2007
10:25 pm
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Today I went to the bookstore and bought a book a friend called and made me promise to buy. The 7 Best Things Happy Couple Do. While I was there Pier 1 was having a huge sale so I treated myself to some outside candle lanterns. (3 for 2.50) I have them on my night stand tonight while I am watching Law and Order. Today I also stopped by my college boyfriends grandparents house and his mother was visiting. I had the best time with them. He recently has gone through a divorce and he and I have been emailing and talking commisserating. He has been wonderful in telling me "Man Secrets" like R had checked out of the relationship a while back ,but there is a saying among men about don't close the checking account until you open a savings account. Don't even think of giving your ex-husband custody of your daughter just to make R happy. NOT THAT THAT WAS EVER AN OPTION!!!!
Anyway his mother and grandmother were laughing and cutting up with me about our emailing each other back and forth and sharing our "war stories". It really is nice to talk to a man who knew me when I had my shit together. We had briefly talked of me coming to visit him because he was "safe". I think I might go see him in November and wander around DC in the cold again. It is nice to have history with someone and be comfortable with no romantic feelings involved. I knew him way back when and he knew me.

Bitsy

July 24, 2007
11:37 am
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Anything's possible... How about one of your exes showing up in the same support group to seek counseling? What happens then?

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