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anyone up tonight?
October 25, 2006
1:27 am
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armyleo
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Failure - that's the word!!!!

October 25, 2006
1:29 am
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mamacinnamon
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Failure is the word HE put in your head. The word you have drilled into yourself.

NOT the word for you at all. That word no longer exists for you.

October 25, 2006
1:31 am
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armyleo
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you know just what to say.. but what if I start on this journey and fail.. can't do it...whawt happens then?

October 25, 2006
1:35 am
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mamacinnamon
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I tried at 7 years and I failed. I caved. I woke up to him above me in my mom and dad's house and he said he'd kill everyone but me if i didnt' come home in the am. So, I went home. When I announced I was goin home my mom said "you better never let this happen again". I didn't ask him to cheat on me, but she said it. I went back into hell for another 5 years. He was worse and I got more and more depressed to where I was giving up again. I hated myself and yet I'd had that taste. It was 5 more years before I got my next break and I ran w/ it and never looked back

October 25, 2006
1:38 am
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lovinglife
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Amry - I just went through that thread and didn't see a message posted to me unless I'm overlooking something... I was keeping up your thread til about the middle of yesterday afternoon - why I missed Mama's posting...I didn't post because you were getting lots of responses and I know how confusing things get when there are lots posting.

And come along on the journey here Amry...you won't regret it. Pretty much we all in the same boat - our stories may differ but our pain is the same. And you can't fail here...not an option. For me it's been a lifeline of sorts-

October 25, 2006
1:40 am
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armyleo
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"Ever feel that total sense of panic and embarassment and what the hell do i do now feeling? I did many times."

Yes, many times out on the road, driving like a maniac, wondering if I will survive. Roadrage... then making the other cars feel like it was there fault, giving them the finger,, not knowing if I going to make it home.

Crying my eyes out because I can't do anything about it. Then being punched and slapped while he is driving, being hit in the head and face, can'[tget out because the car is moving fast, or not letting go of my hair. Being grabbed so hard, in the thights with bruises all over, and grabbing and pinching me in unmentionable places.

October 25, 2006
1:48 am
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armyleo
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I can't tell my parents, there perfect daughter failed.

They were already upset when I married him, why would I marry a waiter, etc... then when he went to the army and then into law enforcemetn they saw him in a different light. wonderful, caring, good citizen, good provider. It was/is me who has the proboem. Because, I don't help him out I'm not a good wife, I don't try harder, I should wear nicer clothes, be ready for him, at night, after all he'[s had a hard day at work!!!!! Why is he good, and I'm the one who isn't trying hard???

October 25, 2006
1:49 am
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lovinglife
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girls I've got to head to bed...its 12:30 here in my parts...

Amryangel- a suggestion....start a thread for you, for you to post your thoughts on, for you to vent on, a thread where everyone will know where to find you...it can been an ongoing thread. There are so many people that care here...and so many with words of encouragement.

I believe once you start this journey as scary as it is, you're going to start feeling better and better. You've already started the journey Amry and in these last few weeks, are you feeling a little hope inside, are you feeling just a little bit better???

October 25, 2006
1:50 am
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armyleo
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Thank LL - I guess I will try that.

Mama - if you need to go I understand..

October 25, 2006
1:51 am
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lovinglife
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and that is exactly what you need to do - vent and let it out!!

October 25, 2006
1:52 am
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mamacinnamon
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I'm not going
stay i have to say something

October 25, 2006
1:54 am
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armyleo
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I hate to vent!!! it brings up too many things, then I get upset/mad. Why bring them up, why do peoople say vent, It's easier and less painful to keep inside.

October 25, 2006
1:55 am
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lovinglife
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for me when I started just one thread- I starting for one seeing patterns in my thinking and if I didn't someone pointed them out for me. Also, at time it just feel so damn good to vent- to get it out there- knowing that I couldn't take back what I said but yet knew that someone heard me. I don't know what it was about it - but it was empowering.

October 25, 2006
1:56 am
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lovinglife
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maybe that doesn't work for everyone - just did for me.

October 25, 2006
1:56 am
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armyleo
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LL - I hope one day I will know what you mean by empowered??? To me it conjures up power, but the wrong kind of power, mean power.

October 25, 2006
1:58 am
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armyleo
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not mad at you LL -

October 25, 2006
1:58 am
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lovinglife
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I guess for me it too seemed easier and less painful to hold it all in - but really I was dying inside.

I have learned that writing helps clear my mind, helps me sort things out.

October 25, 2006
2:00 am
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armyleo
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Yes, I guess I know the dying inside part... but don't want to bring it out because then it will be true.

October 25, 2006
2:01 am
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mamacinnamon
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I can't tell my parents, there perfect daughter failed.

OMG honey. I said that I don't know how many times. I married the evil x because I didn't want to embarrass my folks. I couldn't call my folks in the middle of the night to take me to the hospital. Instead I lay there in pain and almost died coz he didn't want to get up and take me to the hospital. My folks were 4 blocks away. I look back now and wonder why did I feel that way, but I know why. Because my mom said "I'd better not let this happen again" when he cheated on me. Coz my dad didn't say anything and I was brought up you don't talk about your problems and you don't embarrass your family. I was an embarrassment. I was that good little Christian girl and they don't get divorced NO NO NO What would GOD think.

Honey the pastor called me into his office after I left evil x. He told me he knew what I would be thinkin that God would never forgive me, etc. Then he pointed out to me that God did make provisions for a wife to leave her hubby. That wives and kids did not have to stay and be beaten to death like that poor little babygirl.

Failure?? My evil x would put me in tears and then tell my folks he thought i was gonna have a nervous breakdown. He told him I was unstable.

When my folks found out... my dad said he'd stand by me just let him know what to do. Then distanced himself as usual. I think so he didn't go kill the evil x. My mom even as early as 10 years after we'd divorced had the nerve to tell my sister she thought I was a liar and evil x didn't hurt me. My sis told her she was stupid. I still don't talk to my mom about it. When my mom drove me up to see if my truck was in front of the girlfriend's house and I unlocked and locked it twice and then started it just to be absolutely certain it was his truck. (lol overkill) When I started to cry she screamed at me and said what did I think this was doin to her. It's always been about her my whole life.

You may or may not get their support honey, but you will not be hurt again. You will not have to hold it all in anymore. Your girls will be safe.

October 25, 2006
2:03 am
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mamacinnamon
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You don't hold it in coz it will ruin your health. I did and my health is bad. No reversing it.

October 25, 2006
2:06 am
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lovinglife
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like I said I'll do some thinking on what I mean by feeling empowered...all I know is that I don't feel as weak, as helpless, as hopeless as I once did.

Wished that I could stay up longer Amry... am so glad that you posted tonight. We for some reason worry around here and truly care about each other : )

(((AmryAngel)))

October 25, 2006
2:08 am
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armyleo
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I want her to understand, but we've never been close emotionally. No hugs etc. I want her to hold me and tell me she understands, and it doesn't matter what anyone says, that she will be there.

But her appearances are more important.

mama, I just want the unconditional love, to feel it for just 1 second, to be held, and feel safe.

October 25, 2006
2:10 am
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lovinglife
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ok... the knowing that it will be true...when we get out of denial- there is power in that...kinda like the saying the truth will set you free... Ok I'm really off to bed now... : )

Night mama and ArmyAngel.

October 25, 2006
2:11 am
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mamacinnamon
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Stand In The Rain by Superchick

She never slows down,
She doesn’t know why,
But she knows that when she’s all alone,
It feels like it’s all coming down.

She won’t turn around,
The shadows are long,
And she fears if she cries that first tear,
The tears will not stop raining down.

So stand in the rain,
Stand your ground,
Stand up when it’s all crashing down,
You stand through the pain,
You won’t drown,
And one day what’s lost can be found,
You stand in the rain.

She won’t make a sound,
Alone in this fight with herself,
And the fear’s whispering,
If she stands, she’ll fall down.

She wants to be found,
The only way out is through everything,
She’s running from,
Wants to give up and lie down,

So stand in the rain,
Stand your ground,
Stand up when it’s all crashing down,
You stand through the pain,
You won’t drown,
And one day what’s lost can be found,
You stand in the rain.

So stand in the rain,
Stand your ground,
Stand up when it’s all crashing down,
You stand through the pain,
You won’t drown,
And one day what’s lost can be found,
You stand in the rain.

October 25, 2006
2:13 am
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mamacinnamon
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mama, I just want the unconditional love, to feel it for just 1 second, to be held, and feel safe.

As sorry as I am to say this.... honey, it may never happen. I've never had it w/ my mom or dad or anyone. Nobody there to hold me and say it will be ok.

I'm sorry

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