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anyone up tonight?
October 25, 2006
12:54 am
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lovinglife
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yes Army - that is soooo the stero-type thinking of seeking help. (we get this message from the media).

Thank god this view is slooowly changing in our society. I predict that someday taking care of ones mental health issues are going to be the in thing- because it's freeing. Its such a lie that only crazy people see a therapist.

October 25, 2006
12:54 am
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revelation
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Ah yes...another common myth, only crazy people go to see therapists, I bet that myth was started by an abusive man!! Army, therapists don't see crazy people at all...I'm in training at the moment...if we see a client displaying any signs of mental illness, we have to refer them to psychiatry...we are not trained for severe mental illness at all!

Therapists are simply there to help people find their own answers...and EVERYBODY, and I mean EVERYBODY has a question they need to answer within themselves!

Rev.

October 25, 2006
12:55 am
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mamacinnamon
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I read your post honey. Very nice of you to say. yes it hurts to open up. And when you open up the hurt comes flooding and almost drowns you. But you have to swim as hard as you can coz if you can make it to the other shore you will survive and you will live.

Have you seen the movie Sleeping w/ the Enemy w/ Julia Roberts??

October 25, 2006
12:57 am
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armyleo
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No I only go to kid movies, no one else to go with : )

October 25, 2006
12:58 am
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armyleo
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But if you have stuff you need answered within, that means you don'[t have it all together

October 25, 2006
12:59 am
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armyleo
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LL - than you missed the post I posted to you too.. and everyone I guess

October 25, 2006
1:00 am
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revelation
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Yeh....NOBODY has it all together hun...if they say they do then they are probably in denial and more messed up than the rest of us. Everyone has a few cracks in their armour, everyone has a few skeletons (or skellingtons as my nephew call'em) in their closet.

Rev.

October 25, 2006
1:01 am
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armyleo
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What if I freeze swimming across, then I will drown..

October 25, 2006
1:01 am
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mamacinnamon
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What?? Folks have things unanswered w/n every day. If they didn't then they'd be dead or dumb I spoze. I have questions inside I am holding to ask God one day coz I know nobody here can answer them. Is that what you mean?? It doesn't make you crazy.

I too was raised you don't tell anyone anything. I think that is what made me an easy target for the evil x.

Armyangel.. Please go rent the movie and watch it. It will upset you; I'll tell you that upfront. But honey, please oh please promise to go rent it and watch ALL of it.

It'll be a big plus for you. Honest.

October 25, 2006
1:02 am
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lovinglife
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Army- the first time in my life that I have been completey honest about my problems, about my hurts has been right in here. Also this is the first time in my life that I feel like I'm actually growing- letting go of alot. Connection, perhaps? I also think the support I've received here has attributed as well.

But the one thing I do know is when we talk about our feelings, when we start tearing down the wall we've built of out of being in defense mode, it's completley empowering. Don't know why, but it is.

October 25, 2006
1:05 am
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armyleo
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If i admit now that I need help, then my whole world will have come crashing down,

The perfect world that I keep hoping I have or will have will the world in my mind as I see it will have been false, does this make sense??

October 25, 2006
1:05 am
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mamacinnamon
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You'll not freeze I promise. Once the flight or fright adrenaline kicks your butt you won't stop. Specially once you get a taste of real freedom. You'll be kickin back then.

I will be honest tho. He isn't gonna stop threatening you and tryin to pull stuff. You have to stand up and fight back. Tell him one time.. touch me and you go to jail. Ya know my evil x never laid a hand on me after i got in his face. I told him one night when he pushed his way into my home and raised his hand to me. I said "you lost that privilege when you walked out that door so i suggest you walk again or i'll put your ass in jail and you won't be getting bailed out". He cursed me and turned and left and I swear I fell to the ground from shaking so hard. And then it felt so good. I did it. I stood up. I was a tough ol b****. lol

But I will tell you honey, he never stopped trying to cause me trouble till my youngest was out of high school and i said no contact and maintained it.

October 25, 2006
1:06 am
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lovinglife
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ya won't drown hon, maybe feel like it when the tears start just flowing..oh my gosh another thing I just thought of that happened to me -the crying, sobbing I've done in here! It felt so good though -

and Army I missed something you posted, gosh I'm sorry if I did...I know that you left message that you just wanted to listen and not talk for awhile...

October 25, 2006
1:07 am
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armyleo
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too scared to start tearing the wall down, I guess I don't see how you would feel empowered.

October 25, 2006
1:10 am
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lovinglife
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can't explain tonight why I felt empowered (the ole brain is shutting down) but I'll think about it and see if I can explain what I mean...but would imagine that others have felt that too...

October 25, 2006
1:10 am
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mamacinnamon
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The perfect world that I keep hoping I have or will have will the world in my mind as I see it will have been false, does this make sense??

Yes makes sense. Do you have that perfect world? Are you happy and healthy? How are your kids??

I went from an evil x w/ lots of money to a man that, well, to now hubby that we live week to week and I promise you I'd never take any amount of money to go back to the evil x. The good life isn't worth the cost sometimes.

October 25, 2006
1:12 am
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revelation
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Um..well look at it this way, are you happy with the way things are in your life now? If the ansewr is yes, then..do nothing, stay the same.

If the answer is no...then ask yourself what you would be happy with, what will make you happy? Do you want to be happy? If so...then the only way to do it is to start tearing down those walls...so here is your dilemma.

October 25, 2006
1:13 am
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revelation
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mama...is there some sort of ESP going on with us 2 tonight!?!

October 25, 2006
1:13 am
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armyleo
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Oh mama, why is it so hard for me to see and admit?

October 25, 2006
1:14 am
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lovinglife
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ok thought about it - well one thought crossed my mind as to why I felt empowered...

Those things I held inside I felt shame over, *I owned* my secrets but they weren't my secrets, they were actually my exH's, so when I started to release them from within me, the shame that I felt was then placed where it rightfully belong- on my exh.

Say Army, I seen that someone bumped up "Can we share our stories again" thread. My story is on there.

October 25, 2006
1:16 am
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armyleo
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LL this is good, I will read your story. Not now, tomorrow. - thanks,

October 25, 2006
1:20 am
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armyleo
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Do I want to be happy? First thought - no because something always messes up my happiness.

It''s like I don't make plans because, I never know what's going to happen around here. He could be mad or he could be happy. Too many times I've been disappointed so it's easier not to plan, to look forward to something.

I guess tomorrow, when I think about it my response will be different, I'm just hip shooting right now.

October 25, 2006
1:22 am
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armyleo
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LL- no not the post on Mich's thread the post on where is army?

October 25, 2006
1:22 am
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mamacinnamon
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it's hard for all when it first slaps you in the face hon. When you first start realizing what is goin on and that you "failed" as it was put to me. (but you have not failed). then it's hard to swallow.

I was so afraid to stand up to him. He said he'd kill me and I had no doubt he wouldn't.

Let me tell you one of the first things that made me feel empowered. He used to play this game w/ me. He'd stop in traffic and get out of the truck and start yellin at me what a crazy b**** I was and that I drove him crazy and what the hell was wrong w/ me and he'd make things up to scream. Ever feel that total sense of panic and embarassment and what the hell do i do now feeling? I did many times.

One day , it was a terrible day. We went carpet shopping and he locked his keys in the truck. Well of course it was all my fault and I had a screamin hungry baby that needed changed. Had to call and pay a locksmith to get us back in the truck. My nerves were shot and I knew what I was in for when we got home. Well, we were maybe 2 miles from home if you cross the pastures. He stopped the truck and started his crap again. I cannot tell you what possessed me or why but i slid under the driver's wheel and I drove off and left him there. Screamin in the highway. I remember the panic on the way home and oh what have i done, and oh what will he do. I remember dropping my baby off at my sis-in-law's home. I drove home and I got the gun from the closet and I sat down in the corner of the living room. I was so scared I'd thought I'd not move.

I cannot tell you what happened. I honestly don't remember. But I know that I had something possess me to stand and I did and that was a beginning.

Once you get a taste of it honey... you want the freedom more and more. you do.

Yes, we must have a bigtime connection tonight Rev. 😉

October 25, 2006
1:23 am
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lovinglife
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ArmyAngel - just know that you are safe in here and are loved and thought of by many. Some of the things I've shared on this website I would never dream of sharing with friends/family... but I have felt so safe here.

I've shared so much here that it is unreal when I think about- guess *my story* is spread out all over the place when I think about... but it is the first time I really shared, the first time I started making connections, and the first time I felt like my head was clearing.

When I first posted here back in June- I was such a mess, such a mess... and it took me sometime to feel completely safe...the sharing our stories thread had been bumped up a few times before I finally posted on it.

Take hanging around here at your on speed just as you are...but please don't leave us, K?

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