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anyone there?
September 7, 2004
8:29 am
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codep
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Everyone has gone to work and school and I'm here alone, I should be at work "I'll probably be fired" and I dont even care. I dont care that I wont be able to pay my bills next paycheck or that I'll even wake up tomorrow b/c I know I'll feel the same way that I do today, the sky is cloudy and gray outside, it resembles how I feel inside. I want to die! I want to call someone, but I"m scared to, I just want to keep myself locked in the house and just curl up and die!

September 7, 2004
8:42 am
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CAMER
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CODEP< i am here, and why do you feel this way??? is it cuz of a breakup or bad times with a man?? (not sure if you are a man or woman)...but please keep venting and try to think positively. hugs from camer

September 7, 2004
8:46 am
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codep
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no matter what i do, no matter what situation i'm in, who i have to love where i live, no matter what, I'm always unhappy. I have no hope for ever feeling better, I wish God would take me so I dont have to hurt anymore.

September 7, 2004
8:49 am
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Tryn2LuvMe
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Codep:

I'm here! If you need to vent just go right ahead... I will keep you in my prayers today.

September 7, 2004
8:50 am
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codep
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I'm scared to be alone for thoughts of suicide, I'm scared to call for help b/c I'll look like a weak fool. I asked my b/f to hide his gun before he went to work but there it is still there in the same place staring me in the face, enticing me to use it.

September 7, 2004
8:55 am
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readyforachange
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codep...please call someone. You will NOT look like a weak fool. In my opinion, a weak fool is one who actually goes through with it. You are reaching out because you know there is hope...there is always hope. Please get help. Call a hotline. They are anonymous, aren't they? They will not even know who you are. I will pray for you and think of you today...I need to leave for work. I will get back on to check on you tonight. Please keep posting...someone will be out there listening.

September 7, 2004
9:02 am
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codep
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i've been thru so much, therapy, medication, hospitals, nothing seems to ever work, and if it does it doesnt last long. Everyday of my life is a constant struggle. everyday I wake up wondering why God kept me here another miserable day. The only hope I have is that I'll die soon and painless. I'm reaching out b/c I'm scared to die, but I'm scared to live.

September 7, 2004
9:04 am
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readyforachange
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I know you are scared...I'm glad you replied to my last post. Is there anyone you can talk to today? Anywhere you can go where you feel safe? I know you want to hang on...I can tell. Please reach out to someone!

September 7, 2004
9:06 am
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codep
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I just want to be alone today

September 7, 2004
9:17 am
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Dawg
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Put your faith in God, your never alone. He is in your life.

September 7, 2004
9:22 am
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codep
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I'm so tired of the pain and confusion, I'm tired of trying. I dont have a solution.

September 7, 2004
9:53 am
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luvlee
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codep,
Is your boyfriend's moving out causing you this pain this morning?

September 7, 2004
9:57 am
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lam
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codep,

You know I'm feeling the same way you are in the sense that I'm tired of trying and the pain and confusion, and I feel at times that I just don't care about anything anymore like I used to. I've had such a major setback the last year and a half, it's kinda knocked the wind out of me. I was always told in my life that needing help or heaven forbid, asking for help was a weakness, meant you couldn't handle things yourself, blah blah. That is the biggest load of crap! I have learned through all the unbelievable crap I've been through that REAL STRENGTH is knowing and accepting that one person can't do it all. WE ALL NEED HELP SOMETIMES!!

The real strength is letting down the walls enough to let someone in to help us, it takes strength to show our vulnerabilities. There is strenght in accepting help especially when you're not used to doing it. You have already demonstrated strength by reaching out here, you do have some shreds of HOPE left or you wouldn't be here. No one here or any hotline you could call would ever think you're weak for reaching out. Because it takes STRENGTH to realize and admit our human limitations and to reach out for help. And I for one admire your courage. You've already shown strength here and you didn't even know it..... 🙂

At the very least, keep posting please; and please call someone you know or a hotline, you may be amazed at the difference in finding people to talk to that actually "get it." I've had that experience recently.....here. You're in my prayers today,

lam

September 7, 2004
10:04 am
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codep
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b/f didnt move out yet. It is part of it though, not that he is moving but that i cant get my life on track to be happy no matter what i do. I second guess every decision I ever make for fear of making the one I'll regret, the only problem with that is i've regreted every decision i've ever made. I wont be happy if b/f stays or leaves, if i have an unbelievable job, a wonderful man and lots of money. my problems arent cured from anything i've ever tried to solve them. I feel hopeless that I'll find peace and happiness no matter what decisions i make.

September 7, 2004
10:07 am
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codep
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i've been put on meds, hospitalized, therapy, God, wonderful men, wonderful children, great jobs. I'm never happy, i'm never without pain or struggling to get up in the morning, wishing God didnt put me here another day. It's deep, very deep inside has been since i was a child. I was depressed and lonely as far back as 5 years old. I've never been happy, never....

September 7, 2004
10:13 am
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lam
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Hey you responded! 🙂 I do the second guessing of every decision I make too. Mainly because for most of my life I allowed others to make all of them for me, or I made them myself but always based on what everyone else thought I should do or expected me to do. So sometimes it feels unfamiliar to make them BY myself and FOR myself. But it is liberating even through the scariness of it.

Can you elaborate more on what problems you're having?

lam

September 7, 2004
10:18 am
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codep
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i can just never find peace or happiness in anything I have or do

September 7, 2004
10:21 am
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lam
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I can feel and hear the hurt and pain in your words, we'd all like to help and listen to you, can you give us more info?

Do you know what's holding you back? What's in the way of your feeling peace and happiness in your heart? If you don't mind my asking, what happened to you as a child that you felt depressed and lonely?

September 7, 2004
10:33 am
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codep
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thats just it i dont know why I feel that way, realistically I shouldnt feel this way considering everything i have, I know i have it better then alot of other people, i know i'm fortunate in some things. i dont know why one day i'm fine and the next i want to die.
I've cut ties with all of my family b/c they are severly mentally disturbed so i think some of it is biological, but I've been thru alot as well. my mom and dad broke up when i was 2, my mom was hospitalized for a mental breakdown, i went with my dad and his girlfriend who severly beat me and did unthinkable things to a little 2 y/o..my dad found out and he sent me away to live with my maternal grandparents, they didnt want the stress of me so from there went to live with an aunt and uncle. from there watched my aunt cheat on my uncle with me in the room. a man i adored more then life. got tired of her behavior moved in with my biological mom, got molested by her b/f and anyone else that wanted a shot at me..watched her drink herself to nothing. met a 25 y/o man at age 14 and thought he was going to rescue me..ended up beating, raping, cheating and stripping me of every ounce of innocence i ever had. got into drugs, drinking, careless sex, had a couple kids, bounced from this man to that man hoping he would be the one to take me away from it all. had a few more kids a few more marriages. tried to commit suicide twice. and here i am today!

September 7, 2004
11:08 am
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luvlee
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codep,
You certainly have a long list of hardship behind you but that is just it is *is* behind you.

You can stop the patterns of the past right now. You are already on the right track with asking your boyfriend to leave.

I know you said that you have been to therapy but maybe the therapists you have been to haven't been right for you. I have found that not every therapist has been right for me. If you have insurance that will cover it I would try again. If not there should still be a variety of people that offer services on a sliding scale.

Also, do you journal at all? I find that writing or typing my thoughts out helps them get off my mind. I also make a lot of lists. Two of the lists that have helped me a lot have been my "things I can do alone" list and my "things I am changing about me" list.

I know you feel down in the dumps today but you were in higher spirits yesterday.

Just remember that all things pass.

September 7, 2004
1:25 pm
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readyforachange
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codep - are you on? It's about lunchtime and I came home from work to check on you. Been sending positive thoughts your way all morning - hope you received them. I have to go back to work in a few. Hang in there, I'll be back on tonight.

September 7, 2004
1:35 pm
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southgoingzax
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codep,

I too have felt depressed, and remember being depressed even as a child. I was miserable in childhood, even though I had a lot fewer harmful, hurtful things done to me than you have had. You are incredibly strong to be here now, you know? It would take a superhero to survive what you have gone through without some scars. I hope you can find some help and support. We are thinking of you,

southgoingzax

September 9, 2004
10:39 am
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codep
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Just wanted to let you all know that I'm back, and I'm fine.
I overdosed on my meds the other day and ended up in the hospital, where they adjusted my meds and got me into therapy, where i need to be. Thank you for all your support.

September 9, 2004
10:57 am
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Anonymous
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Hi codep,

Oh my! So glad you are ok that is scary. How is therapy going? Keep us posted, that worried me!

Hugs,

Sunny

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