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Anyone on for a talk??
November 9, 2004
12:07 am
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bubishi76
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Mama,
You think I should try calling Deb tonight?

November 9, 2004
12:10 am
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mamacinnamon
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As much as I know you want to and as much as I want you and her to have your problems solved. My answer is still NO. It's not been long enough. If you call her now she'll just think is was a failed attempt and not a true change.

I know it hurts. Have you found anything yet that you like to do? Anything toward getting out and doing things without her?

November 9, 2004
12:14 am
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bubishi76
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With work and my class studies, it's hard. I did put my Karate uniform on last night and did some meditating. It felt good. I haven't really focused like that in a while. Mama, quick question, Why is this all by her rules? Why can't I call to say goodnight?? I mean, I understand what you are saying but why do I have to stop a loving activity like calling to say goodnight. I know that people say let her come to me. I just feel that after 13 days, she should have come by now. UUGHHH, I just feel sad.

November 9, 2004
12:15 am
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sewunique
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Mama,
Just read your post; (relating to above subject) really some heavy thoughts there. You really touched my heart with your candor and most of all your own strength.

You did a spendid job of describing why and how your life is, just to live each day. I hope he benefits from it, as a nurse (in geriatrics 20 yrs), this is a common situation.

Yet you reach out to others here and I find your posts so helpful.

Thanks for sharing; keep it coming!

***Sew***

November 9, 2004
12:18 am
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mamacinnamon
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Thank you Sew. I truly need that right now. Thanks.

November 9, 2004
12:19 am
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sewunique
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Hey, Bubishi,

See you're hanging in there tonite!

I am confused, why is it that you aren't sure whether Deb is coming back Tues nite or Wed? If I should be too bold to ask, if not too personal, I mean.

***Sew***

November 9, 2004
12:21 am
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bubishi76
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She said yesterday that she had a meeting on monday night and tues. Now that could be a variety of things. Usually though, they are done by 5 on there last day so I don't know. She had to get off the phone when we were talking about that yesterday. The calls have been sorta short lately.

November 9, 2004
12:23 am
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mamacinnamon
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Bub, I don't really know exactly how to explain it other than the rules suck!.

I know you have waited and I commend you for that. I know it's been 13 days and she's not come to you yet. Could be that she is waiting to see if you will cave. Could be that she never will. I hope the latter is not the case, but could be reality.

I know it's hard for you, but try try try to live for YOU for now. Good for you for putting on your karate uniform and meditating. That's a giant step. Now, can you go to some karate workouts? Take small steps. Go to some workouts (if that's what they are called), then maybe go for a beer w/ the guys after a workout, then see what comes next.

I know it doesn't make sense, but trust me on this. She is more likely to come back if she sees you have gone on without her. Don't know why. Maybe it's that it sparks something she saw in you in the beginning that attracted her to you. Maybe she just can't stand the thought of being left behind. Either way or neither way it will be good for you for the short term and in the long run.

November 9, 2004
12:33 am
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bubishi76
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Well,
I need to be up in 5 hours to go to work so I need to take my leave for the evening. I will go to bed without calling tonight. I hope that I will sleep tonight. I miss her so my heart doesn't really rest. Love all of you. If any of you happen to see Deb, let her know I love her.

November 9, 2004
12:33 am
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sewunique
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Mama,
you are welcome

I had an experience with printing out
an e-mail and was discovered accidentally; was he angry. My situation was far different than yours, BUT, I agree with Bubishi's point of view, better to talk.

Talking opens up many more channels for communication and discussion. That way he can see your expression of love, hurt and compassion. He can hear your tone of voice, your body language.

You may tell him you were helping out someone on the internet and go from there.

1) helps to share all your time and focus on PC to him
2) perhaps then you can offer your post to him, BUT, that you have to decide how he would take that one.

Can you imagine whatit would be like if we could hear each other here, rather than just reading our printed words? It would be far different, I'm sure!

***Sew***

November 9, 2004
12:33 am
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mamacinnamon
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Ya know Bub, you seem like such an intelligent man. Actually a stong, handsome, kind hearted, caring person. Why must it be Deb? I know love, but is this obsession? Were you the rescuer when you met her?

I just hate seeing you go thru this heartache day to day to day. Specially when there are women in this world that would love with their whole heart. A very deep loyal forever type of love. I know they exist coz I am that type woman. A little battered and worn for 44, but still full of feeling and life. (Not applying, I have my man.)

I want to see you find that type of love. You deserve it. You truly do.

November 9, 2004
12:35 am
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mamacinnamon
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Bub - sleep well my friend and thanks. You are great

November 9, 2004
12:36 am
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sewunique
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B

So you are calling it a nite? Sorry I did not get to talk with you much.

So you will have only a short time before Deb gets back!!!

You really have been hanging in there well

Hope you sleep well

- Sew -

November 9, 2004
12:39 am
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mamacinnamon
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It would Sew, so much more meaning to hear one talk.

He can't talk to me about it coz I cry and he can't take my tears. I try so hard to turn them off, but they just keep coming. Funny, I didn't cry for many years during my first marriage coz he was not gonna get the satisfaction of seeing me cry. Now they come and won't quit even when I try to turn them off. lol

I guess maybe sometimes it is better to leave things unsaid.

Thanks for the thoughts.

November 9, 2004
12:49 am
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sewunique
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Mama,

Why do you cry so? That sounds like a dumb question, but I feel for you, you seem so compassionate and caring.

If you really want to share your words that you wrote on the site, and talking about it would only begin the tears, then why not just casually mention it. Like, "you know I work on the computer..." etc.

You seem like you really have a great thing goig with hubby. And that is rare and special, indeed.

- Sew -

November 9, 2004
1:05 am
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sewunique
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Well this must be it for tonite.

November 9, 2004
7:39 am
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bubishi76
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Hey All,
Sorry I had to cut out last noght but these last 14 days have been emotionally and physically exhausted. I am using all the energy I have to pull myself out of bed in the morning and go to work.

November 9, 2004
7:46 am
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mamacinnamon
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Good morning to you Bub. Hope you slept better.

This is a NEW day. Treat it as such. I wish you a day that your mind will be with some peace and not always on Deb.

November 9, 2004
7:57 am
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bubishi76
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Hey Mama,
My sleep has not been peceful for a while. I awake, thinking she's there to only find a pillow. Then my heart drops. No call from her last night and don't know if she's travelling today or not. I will be going on my break cycle after today so we will see if I can find a way to rejuvenate. If I can just make it through the next 10 hours or so. I'm not sure that my heart or my head can. I just want to go home and do nothing. (Actually, I need to clean house.) I hope you are doing well today mama.

November 9, 2004
7:59 am
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mamacinnamon
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Said a prayer for peace for you today. As bad as each day has seemed isn't it something how we still get thru them and there is still always a tomorrow.

Fell asleep in my chair last night. Feel like I've been hit by a truck. Will probably go back to bed after I get my daughter off to school.

November 9, 2004
8:03 am
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mamacinnamon
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Oh, Bub, Thank you for talking w/ me last night. I don't get down often; well I work hard to not get down. But, I think I brought a bit to much to the surface and couldn't deal w/ it. Again, Thanks.

November 9, 2004
8:13 am
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bubishi76
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Hey Mama,
no problem. I will be here to talk with you anytime. Thanks for the support.

November 9, 2004
8:16 am
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mamacinnamon
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Try to have a good day. I've got to get my little one up. Not so little one any more lol.

November 9, 2004
8:20 am
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eternaloptimist
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Good morning, Bubishi!

I have been reading through the post's on this thread from last night. You are seeming a little stronger now. You see...things are starting to go your way a litt;e bit.

There are a few post's about how Deb hasn't contacted you in 13 days. Didn't she just call a day or two ago? Have you ever seen the movie "What about Bob?" If you haven't, it is a must see! It's a very funny movie. There is a little of you and I in Bob because we have a hard time understanding how to just be happy with our own existence. I have realized over the last few months that I do have my own identity. Until I realized that, my whole world revolved around my wife.

Mama was good to keep asking what you have done to get things rolling for you. I suggest you put that karate uniform on again today and meditate some more. STOP wondering if Deb will call, and don't even consider calling her!

My wife moved out on Friday. I don't contact her any more. She called me last night to say hi and I confronted her about going through my personal stuff (finances, wallet, desk drawer, etc...). Instead of getting irate with her, I simply asked what she has been looking for, as I have nothing to hide. She told me she doesn't trust me and thinks I am seeing someone else. I said yeah, I have spent about $380.00 in counseling and been hounding you for the last few months to try and make this relationship work, of course I'm seeing someone else. It's so stupid for her to think that.

Then she stopped by this morning on her way to work because she wanted a hug from me. You see, by leaving her alone and giving her space, the tables are now turned. The hardest part is not letting my emotions for her gush out. If I want what we used to have, I have to stay the course. You have to do the same. You mentioned earlier that it's not fair to have to play by her rules. Don't think of them as rules. Think of the space as something she needs right now. Again, keep giving her the space she wants and she will come around. She did call you for a short time the other day. Until things get better, take what you can get, my friend. And after she calls, be happy about that call. Don't immediately start wondering when you'll hear from her again. She still knows how you feel about all this. Find a way to make her wonder if you care. She will come around.

Eternal

November 9, 2004
8:43 am
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bubishi76
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Eternal,
Bro, you have alot of strength. When I've been refering to the days (now14) it's the days since she hasn't "come home" I mean I've seen her for about 15 minutes in that time and have talked with her on the phone for less than that. I understand that it is what she needs right now but I just feel wrose everyday that we some how reached a point that this was the only way to solve things. I thought we were always good at communication but it faltered somewhere along the way. The last time I saw her I told her that I was sorry for whatever I may have done to hurt her. And she welled up with a tear in her eye and said "you hurt me everyday" The pain I felt in her voice cut me so deep because I did not realize what I may have done. I still don't know how I was "so bad" Or even if I was. I mean, we had alot of great days but maybe she just started focusing on negative. Even when I made any "improvements", she couldn't even really see them. I will never forget the pain in her voice that day.

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