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Anyone on for a talk??
November 3, 2004
10:07 am
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Anonymous
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Hey Bub - what's going on, doing okay?

November 3, 2004
11:11 am
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bubishi76
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Anyone out there?? I had to go to store??

November 3, 2004
11:19 am
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eternaloptimist
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I know what you mean about not facing the world. I had a period when I didn't have the desire to do anything, too. That will pass with time, my friend. Please hang in there. Think about what everyone has been telling you. Remember that you are feeling this way because of needs/expectations you have. Keep trying to put her needs before yours. I hope I have made sense in all of my rambling. What's the old saying? "Good things come to those who wait." You just have to wait a little while. Remember this, if you even think about calling her, you will bring this whole thing back to square one. You don't want that, do you?

To lighten things up a bit, George Carlin once talked about things people do or say that annoy him. One of the things was people that say "My needs aren't being met." You know what George says to that? "Drop some of your needs!"

When I am feeling like I need to know how my wife is feeling and I bug the shit out of her to find out, it pisses her off more. I think of that old Carlin line and it makes me laugh. I realized I was too needy, so I dropped some of my needs.

My situation is so similar to yours, I can literally feel your pain right now. I don't feel like I'm one to pass blame, but my wife spoiled the shit out of me for a long time, then decided to stop abruptly like this? I was sooooo into that woman. That was part of our problem...I was too into her. Now that I have backed off and found other things to keep me busy, I find I don't wonder what's going on with her as much. I agree with you when you say "Isn't that what a relationship should be...togehterness?" I struggled for months with that. I came to the conclusion that I have to please myself before I can ever please anyone else.

It sucks to admit it, but we are part of our women's problems. We have made them feel like they have to match our affection blow for blow. It's just too much for them. If you're girlfriend's name wasn't Deb, I would swear we were talking about the same woman. My wife is exactly like her. I mean EXACTLY like her. The key here is to feel better about yourself. Once you do that, she will not be as big an issue as she is today. Believe me.

Eternal

November 3, 2004
11:26 am
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bubishi76
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Eternal,
Part of the problem is that when she and I met, she ahd only been back in this city for a few months. She had few friends and her job wasn't that great. We spent almost all our time together. She then got more and more friends and a great job. I stuck with her through alot. Now, We went from all to almost nothing. I wonder if I was just a distraction for over a year. Then she got the friends and the office, now she doesn't need me anymore. When she was in shit, I was great, now that her life is fabulous, maybe she just doesn't "need" me. I'm such a peice of shit.

November 4, 2004
9:36 am
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eternaloptimist
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You are NOT a piece of shit! If anything, she is the shit in this whole thing. It's funny you explained that situation to me. When I met my wife, she told me she was so lonely until she met me. She has some chemical inbalance in her brain that requires medication. She didn't take any medication the whole time we have been together. She just started taking it in May of this year. In July, everything started going downhill for us. I think the medication has helped her cope with life better than she did before. Now that she feels more balanced, she says she doesn't need me like she used to.

At first, that ripped through my heart like a the sharpest sword you can imagine. Over time, I have come to the conclusion that if she was only with me because she needed me, then I should have noticed that and not put such an investment in this. Hindsight is 20/20, my friend. All I can do is swallow my pride and move on with my life. Time will tell if she wants to be with me. he point is, I can't control that, so I've stopped worrying about it.

I stayed with my first wife for 10 years hoping she wouldn't "need" me eventually. What I'm trying to say is...I don't feel we should be with someone out of need. We should be with someone because we want to.

You are a very self-sufficient person, my friend. You just don't know it yet. Once you come to the realization that you don't "need" this woman, your stress will subside.

It hurts when the one we Love doesn't need us, but it hurts more when they don't want us. If you leave her alone for a while (I bet you will see results in 2 weeks), you will find out whether this relationship is based on need or want. I hope you are working towards the want.

One more quick thing...think of an injury analogy. I don't know if you have ever had any serious injury, but I was electrocuted years ago and fell from a ladder. When I came to and saw my bloddy face and missing teeth, I thought life had ended as I knew it. After some time passed, my wounds healed and I began to live a normal life again. I had to take care of my wounds so they would heal properly. This is similar to what you are going through, brother. Time will heal you. You have to take care of your wounds (your heart). Part of that healing process is to separate from her emotionally for a while. Your true feelings will surface in a while. Clear thinking should be your priority right now, Bubishi. Her interference in your heart will not allow you to heal.

Eternal

November 4, 2004
10:20 am
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Hi Eternal,

It's great to see you posting and thats some great advice. I have been thinking about you and how things were going with you and your wife.

Sunny

November 4, 2004
1:09 pm
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bubishi76
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Anyone out ther right now?

November 4, 2004
1:12 pm
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Cici
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I am but I am in a foul mood (haha)

November 4, 2004
1:14 pm
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bubishi76
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What's up with your mood cici?? Why are you foul.

November 4, 2004
1:20 pm
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Cici
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Ya know, I'm tired of puking every 3 hours (pregnancy), and I just feel gross because I woke up at 3am and couldn't stop hurling and didn't get back to sleep before I had to go to work. And I feel all this pressure because I need to work to get money saved up for this baby.

I'm just jealous that you get to stay home. 😉

So have you thought about getting a kitten? hee hee.

November 4, 2004
1:25 pm
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bubishi76
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Well,
I don't GET to stay home. I have to jump through hoops for the most part just to stay home. Today is actually a day off so no biggy. Can't have any pet in my apartment. I really don't know much about helping out with pregnancy so I don't know what to do about your nausea.

November 4, 2004
1:35 pm
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Cici
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ah it's ok....that sucks about not having a pet. They are great at providing unconditional love, which I think we all need.

How about a hobby? I know for me it's so hard to just pick something. I have to be passionate about it. And I have been a loner for much of my life, too, so I understand about the friend thing.

But I have one great friend who helps out a lot. It's nice to have someone who will help take your mind off the bad stuff, if just for a little while.

What about movies...what kind do you like, all kind? I am addicted to scarey movies. Something about the adrenaline. I just saw...."Saw" (haha) - that was a gross but interesting psychological thriller.

November 4, 2004
1:40 pm
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bubishi76
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I'm a sucker for the romantic comedy.

November 4, 2004
1:44 pm
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Cici
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my favorite romantic comedies....High fidelity, the wedding singer, 50 first dates, as good as it gets, and A Life Less Ordinary.

November 4, 2004
1:47 pm
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bubishi76
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OOOOO, as good as it gets is a good one. Also When Harry Met Sally, Serendipidy, Simply Irresistable.

November 4, 2004
2:02 pm
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workinonit
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Hey Cici, bub, you guys still out there?

November 4, 2004
2:05 pm
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bubishi76
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Yeah workin,
Jump on over to my another call thread.

November 4, 2004
2:06 pm
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Cici
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here i yam
pukey as ever

November 4, 2004
2:07 pm
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bubishi76
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Can you get some Phenegran form the DOC??

November 4, 2004
2:14 pm
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Cici
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i'm trying not to since medications may hurt the baby, but at this point i may have to. at least i finagled it so i can leave work in an hour and a half.

November 4, 2004
2:48 pm
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Zinnie
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Cici,

You can take phenergan while pregnant

November 7, 2004
9:22 am
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bubishi76
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It's Sunday morning. Just wondering if anyone is on for a talk.

November 7, 2004
11:48 am
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eternaloptimist
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HI Bubishi!

I have a little while. I have had a whirlwind weekend. I was in Chicago on Thursday for work, and my wife called that night to go off on me about our situation. She has been telling me how she needs space (you know my story...it's exactly like yours), so I've done what she asked. I left her alone and have been giving her space. She has talked about moving in with her mom and dad for the last 6-8 weeks.

Well, when I got home on Friday at about 4:30pm, there was shit all over in the living room. She moved most of her stuff out on Friday, then stopped by and got some more stuff after work yesterday. I have been using alcohol as a crutch this weekend. I've got some old buddies in from out of town, so we have been hitting the bars.

It's kind of funny, because I don't really dig the bar scene too much. I look at other women, but I haven't seen any woman that I could consider even talking to. I'm still hung up on my wife like you are with Deb.

I'm with you here, brother. I will be on line tonight for quite a while. I hope you are on, too, as I will have more time to talk. I have to get ready for her dad today. He is coming over soon to load the rest of her stuff. It's hard, but I have to accept that it's for the best right now.

Are you feeling better? Did you consider my injury analogy as a way to help this shit make more sense?
Has the urge to contact her subsided at all?

Let me know how you have been feeling last night and this morning. I will take some time and bring you up to speed on my situation. You are not alone, my friend. I hope it helps to know you are not the only person feeling the way you do.

Eternal

November 7, 2004
7:05 pm
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bubishi76
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Eternal,
Well, it's sunday night and she is suppose to be at a conference in Sioux Falls for the next 3 or so days. Still, I yearn to hear from her. I hurt every moment of the day because I hope that she is going to give us a chance.

November 7, 2004
7:14 pm
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bubishi76
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Well,
I just got a call. She was in a meeting at the conference and said they just let out. She said that they were having an informal meeting and then she was getting dinner with her group. I guess she hasn't been feeling well with a bladder in fection where she is allergic to the antibiotics. She takes allergy medicine anyway so I know that she isn't feeling well with this stuff going on with her body. We got off the phone real quick cause I guess she had to meet the group.

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