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Anyone have an answer to this mess?
November 12, 2006
5:12 pm
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matthew65
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Wasn't really sure who to talk to, so decided to write on here. It's been a few months since I have written on here. This site is great. It gives me a chance to write down my thoughts like a diary and receive awesome support!

I called off all ties with my Mother in June. My daughter of 16 was having some difficulty with not having her Grandmother in her life just recently so I let it up to her to call her. She did and of course, that opened up a door for my Mother to enter back into my life. She called me today to ask to speak to my other daughter, take the two of them on a trip over Thanksgiving, and tell me she has a kidney disease. She wasn't loving. Rather she was indifferent. I could have been just the neighbor across the street she was talking too. I cut ties with her because of the verbal abuse, stalking, and slandering of me that she did.

I made a big mistake about letting it up to my daughter to contact her.

I am so confused though because I really miss my Mom. I wanted her to tell me she she loved me, she wanted us for Thanksgiving, to ask about my Husband and I. She wrote me an email though awhile back that she was out of my life for good and no longer my friend. I accepted that, too. Then, why did she call?

Anyone have any answers to what's going on here?

November 12, 2006
5:23 pm
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gracenotes
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matthew,

It just sounds like there is some ambivalence with you right now. Your mother called about your daughter. Did not sound like she really wanted to talk to you. Seems like she called to talk business. Sorry it is so, as I seems like you do want things to be different.

How were you doing before she called? If you were doing okay, maybe this is a learning experience and time to get clear about the importance of No Contact.

It tough to let go of our expections about our parents, who they are, and who they are not. But, there is a sense of clarity and freedom in reaching a point where we recognize that we cannot be responsible for our parents' choices in life and that it is okay they chose what they chose. May not have been what I would have chosen, but it is their choice. Sometime talked with me about this many years ago. It really helped me, and maybe it will be of some help to you or someone here.

November 12, 2006
5:26 pm
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atalose
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I don't think you made a mistake by letting your daughter make the decision to contact her grandmother or not. I think that was very giving on your part. Your daugher may have preceived you as a controlling mother if you didn't. She is a young woman and needs to start making some of her own choices in life.
your daughter opened the door to your mother, you didn't. Your mother is probably just as confused and missing you as well. Sometimes with people mothers included, it's all or nothing, her way or no way.
I would allow your daughters to attempt a relationship with her if that is what they want and see where that leads. The last thing you want is for your daughters to be in the middle. Your daughters may be thinking they are the ones to bring the two of you back togehter.
I am sorry you are going through this, life isn't fair at times I know. 5 months is a long time with no contact, it may take a while for the two of you to come to some kind of an understanding. For now I'd let them, daughers and mother work out there relationship.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

November 12, 2006
5:35 pm
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thedogsmom
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no real answer to the mess..
you two sound like you have had some serious relationship problems..and no-one seems willing to forgive..and try to move on.
I don't know the whole story and never will.. just that if you're unsure and you still sound like you'd like to make amends..wishing that she told you she still loves you and invites you to thanksgiving..why don't you reach out to her? why don't you just pick up the phone and say.. you know..we've been through some bad times..and both have hurt each other.. but My daughter misses you in her life.. and I realize that I do too. Can we try to forgive or forget..and try to start over anew?
How about coming over for thanksgiving dinner ?- (order it- if you don't cook)

When you're not sure about an answer.. ask the right person..
yourself- 1st do you want to start a relationship again with your mother?
can you really forgive her?... Is it so important that SHE makes the first move?
and then ask the person you are wondering about? Hey mom.. I know we have ended things between us on a bad note.. but.. A new year is coming around and life is short and you only get one mother.. so I'd like to try to forget the past.. and move ahead..and I'd like you to be a part of it?
TDM

November 12, 2006
5:50 pm
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ggfred4
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need, just wanted to tell you that there are lots of support rooms out there, sure you know that and want you to make sure you go to a coda meeting, and yes, there are many...and just want to make sure you head in the right direction, okay...try this, you may have already...http://groups.msn.com/Codepend.....s/Meetings.......they have a meeting schedule for paltalk...Anyway, if you try this, remember that the meetings are anonymous and no one will no you and you can share or not share, it is safe, just like here, okay, sweetie???

OKAY, GONNA HAVE TO START A NEW THREAD...what to do when you are too dependent on the aac...I AM SERIOUS!!! Gonna go think about it...

November 12, 2006
5:51 pm
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ggfred4
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need, just wanted to tell you that there are lots of support rooms out there, sure you know that and want you to make sure you go to a coda meeting, and yes, there are many...and just want to make sure you head in the right direction, okay...try this, you may have already...http://groups.msn.com/Codepend.....s/Meetings.......they have a meeting schedule for paltalk...Anyway, if you try this, remember that the meetings are anonymous and no one will no you and you can share or not share, it is safe, just like here, okay, sweetie???

OKAY, GONNA HAVE TO START A NEW THREAD...what to do when you are too dependent on the aac...I AM SERIOUS!!! Gonna go think about it...

November 12, 2006
7:15 pm
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matthew65
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November 12, 2006
7:20 pm
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matthew65
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oops--try again!

I did forgive her. I just cannot trust her! I established No Contact after she did not respect my boundaries. These boundaries were well spelled out to her, too.

The problem I am facing is that no matter what happens, I am considered, the bad one! She has my family against me because I layed out these boundaries, too.

You are right, TheDogsMom, that I need to ask myself first what I want. I wanted a Mother my whole life. This never happened, so I need to accept that and not expect her to change. Therefore, a phone call from her about her health condition and for the girls to have a relationship with her (if they desire) doesn't seem that bad. Thank you~Wen

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