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Anyone has specific advice on how to start trusting?
April 16, 2009
3:56 pm
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sooverthis
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September 24, 2010
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Hi...

I have recently discovered that I am wholly codependent, and am taking steps in recovery. I've been attending Al-Anon meetings, and all reading every book about codendency that I can get my hands on.

My #1 issue to overcome is trust. I trust my friends, I trust my family, but I can NEVER trust the person who I am in a romantic relationship with.

I have been cheated on by every boyfriend thus far, either physically or emotionally. I really WANT to trust my current boyfriend, who I've been with for about 4 years. He's in recovery and very involved with AA.

I don't even know how to start the process. I know I will probably learn through Al-Anon...but I want to get started now. It's so hard not to have obsessive thoughts...and scour his Facebook to see if he's added any new girls to his friends. Then I will find one and see that she's left some sort of comment, and I will literally obsess about it until I ask him who she is, how he knows her...etc, etc.

I don't want to be this girl! I constantly think he's interested in other girls...and I constantly think he wants someone who's more this and more that...instead of just who I AM.

Ah! I need to stop this crazy line of thinking...it's making my life hard to live. I hate it.

Does anyone have any meditations, or little tricks that I can use when my mind starts to retreat into this disatrous cycle of thinking?

April 17, 2009
12:15 pm
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penny lane
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Good Morning Sooverthis..

Thank you for your post..it caused me to think about an answer for you that I must be responsible for..a wise person once told me that getting my feelings "hurt" by something someone does to me...will not kill me...I will recover...and hopefully..be better and stronger next time..

Like you...I am co dependent...and was massively hurt by my last boyfriend...a narcissit...yikes..it has been 3 years...since I told him to leave and I never looked back..but the scars are still there. I have come to the conclusion..that even though I am less niaeve..and less trusting..I will not guard my heart so ferousily...I dont want to become hardend to love..I see women who are like this..and it shows on them..their faces..their body language..it is not attractive or welcoming to other human beings walking this planet.

So..my conclusion for myself..is to know that no one is perfect..avoid people who are out to "directly hurt me" ...not ones who are fallible and human..and make mistakes..and know that in the end...I want to love..and be loved..and that takes patience..understanding..willingness to forgive..and each day to start over.

Good luck

April 22, 2009
5:07 pm
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cailindeas
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Hi Sooverthis

(I like your name!) I'm going out with a nice guy after 3 years single and lots of therapy for co-dependancy. It's going well although I have freaked out a couple of times when I felt as if I was trapped or controlled by him. I over-reacted to minor misunderstandings and he backed off. So I got my courage together and I just sat him down and explained that I was used to being treated badly and this was my problem not his and he was so understanding and we are even closer. My therapist used to say I didn't have to trust a man I only had to trust myself and my instincts. If you are wholly in touch with yourself and your needs you can relax. You don't need to second guess the other person all the time. It takes practice. Although to be fair if he is attending AA he is going through changes too so I would say the best thing is communicate. Be honest about yourself as sneaking around is a real co-dependant thing. I got loads of kisses and reasurrance when I admitted what was going on with me;-)

April 26, 2009
1:53 am
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bblue
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It hard to trust when you have been burned..

I have to deal with myself first - when I can trust myself then I think the rest will follow.

BBlue

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