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Anyone Ever Tried to Get a Spouse to Leave?
August 1, 2007
10:50 am
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sleepless in uk
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I have posted this on the 'Sleepless' thread but realise that we don't all read every thread. I wonder if any of you have been in a similar situation to this. Many of you may remember I have been married 21 years to a man who has been very verbally and emotionally abusive. I have taken a long look at myself and the part i have played in this dance, I have tried to work through many of my own issues and encouraged him to do the same. However I have reached the point where I accept that I can only change myself and my own life, and the way I let him affect me. I decided I need to leave him. We have 3 teenage children

After much research of the local rental property market it has become apparent that leaving my home with my 3 kids is going to prove very difficult and costly. I kind of slumped into a little depression, not severe, but enough to put me back a little bit. Then I had a wonderful holiday with one of my kids and decided that however I do it, I really need to achieve the break.

I may have mentioned before that I am pretty scared of my husband’s anger, that I get paralysed in the face of it and have found ways to avoid it at all costs over the years. Mostly the costs have been my peace of mind and feelings of self worth. So it has been very difficult for me to be honest with him about the depths of my unhappiness.

However, I have been working really hard at overcoming this fear and at standing up to him and asserting myself. I find it easier to be brave when it is the kids I feel he is treating badly than when it is I. To cut a long story a little shorter, finally I took a deep breath and told him I wanted out. That I wanted to sell the house and divide the proceeds. And that in the meantime I wanted him to move out. It is easier for him, there is only one of him and he does have family and friends he could stay with temporarily. He twisted things around, got angry, catalogued all my misdemeanours, listed all my failings, expressed how disappointed he was in me, how everything I did was just awful…on and on and on.

Instead of my usual reaction I stayed calm and didn’t engage in any tit for tat comments. I kept bringing it back to the point, I didn’t try to justify myself or attack him, I didn’t cry or skulk away. I just kept saying, ‘I can hear how unhappy you are with me, that is why I think it is important to move forward and part’

After much to-ing and fro-ing, and much anger on his part he agreed to go.

I have never been more proud of myself or felt more liberated.

But…and here is the big but…he is still there. He hasn’t gone. He is making all sorts of efforts with the kids and virtually ignoring me. He is being helpful and kind towards them, something I have wanted him to be for so long. But towards me he is frosty and polite…always polite in front of the kids. And I am finding it really difficult to know how to proceed without physically throwing his belongings out in the street.

I want his relationship with the kids to improve, I don’t want them to feel guilty about him or responsible for him which they are starting to do. I don’t want to involve them any more than they have to be involved. And if I am honest I suppose I want them to understand that I have no choice but to make him go…and I don’t want them to hate me for it.

Much of the reason behind my disenchantment with him has been his inability to ever see anyone else’s needs, particularly those of his kids’. He has shown them little care or respect over the years and tries to bully them into submission. But this ‘about face’ is making me so uncomfortable and uneasy, even though it was what I wanted for so long.

I could really use any advice…….I am feeling stronger than I have done in a long time…but I really don’t know what my next step should be…Thanks for taking the time to read this long post, any help or suggestions will be much appreciated

thanks Sleepless

August 1, 2007
11:37 am
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risingfromtheashes
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is he still being abusive?

have you checked with any domestic violence centers for advice?

without the abuse - I am not sure how to rid yourself of him.

IF there was abuse still going on - you could get restraining order, which would bar him from entering the home.

Have you tried talking to him and asking him to leave?

August 1, 2007
11:38 am
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sleepless in uk
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Yes I asked him to leave and he eventually said he would but hasnt.

His abuse these days is very subtle,he is walking a careful line I think

August 1, 2007
12:13 pm
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sad sack
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Oh Sleepless, how I could relate to your story.

I, too, was in a very unhappy situation for several years. I knew for a long time that I wanted out. However, like you, I was afraid to bring it up. After all, he did show evidence of anger management issues.

Well, one day I just had had enough. I told him he had to leave. At first, he used his anger tactics to try to frighten me, but I stood firm. He then changed his tune. He started pleading and begging that he will change and all of that manipulative type of talk. I, too, was so proud of myself for FINALLY standing up to him and saying what I had wanted to say for a very long time.

Now the bad part. He refused to leave. Why anyone would want to stay in a relationship where one is not wanted is beyond me. I would ask him when he was going to look for an apartment, and he would just shrug his shoulders. It was a nightmare.

I did not know what to do. I even spoke with a domestic violence detective and she told me that I would have to go through the justice system to legally get him out. I did not want to do that because of my son. I did not want my son to see his father presented with an eviction notice. I struggled (like you)for a very long time.

I told him that I would have to sell the house if he would not leave and he told me that he will do whatever it takes to sabotage the deal. He was pure evil at this point.

This went on for awhile. I was very depressed because I just did not know what to do. Then luckily, he met someone else. This always had been my wish. The woman that he met, for whatever reason, wanted to get married immediately. They married after dating for a few short months. Thank God!!! Even after he was married, he still stayed here for a few months because his apartment was not ready. Can you believe that? Well anyway, he is out of here. He still annoys me but things are much better now. I feel so liberated. Finally!!!!

In your case, if he still refuses to leave, then I would suggest that you just sell the house. Is that something you wanted to do? You may just have to ride it out until the sale is completed. He could take his share (as you stated in your first post), you take yours and then be done with it. I know that it is not that simple, but it could be done.

I wanted to applaud you because I know from experience how hard it was to actually ask him to leave. Men like our exes are very clever at manipulating situations. In my case (and I think in yours, as well), he used anger to control the situation.

I just wanted to offer you some words of encouragement and support. I wish you well. Please keep in touch.

Keep up the strong attitude.

Sad

August 1, 2007
12:20 pm
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Sleepless- None of them want to leave unless they think of it first. It is a typical male control issue. Men are very territorial. The house, you and the kids are his posessions. No matter what u do no matter what you say you cannot control him. He has obviously decided to stay. If you are seriouse about getting him out of your life you can do one of two things
1. Find a way to move yourself and the children out
2. Go to court either on your own or with a Solicitor (Lawyer) and get a court order for him to move out. Then you can proceed with a divorce that will order the house sold, child support or whatever.
Good luck and Bless you on making the choice to let him know its over.

August 1, 2007
12:24 pm
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I can feel for you! I'm in the same boat! 20+ years 3 kidz not enough $ to live somewhere eles! You can try an get help But untill he lays his hands on you an you file charges they will do nothing. Even then where do you get money to live?
There is an exposa law which will leagly put him out of the home leaving you & the kids in the home (You must make a judge think you fear for the saftey of you & your children to get him court ordered to leave!or fill for leagl seperation ....But he can show up & make your life hell still! But here again you need money for living expensess & you can get help and advise from the domestic vilonce/but it takes longer then if again you have money & can hire a lawer which takes a lot more $$$$$$
I found staying is easyer for me at this time! I just don't have the kind of cash it would take to do it alone! My husband would disapear an never pay child support or alamony or help me or his kids in any way... He has made that very clear! So basicly I will stay until they are all grown & see what happens then mean while & will save some MONEY because that is the only way to freedom.... fredom is not FREE!
In fact it is very expensive!Enless you have friends or family wiling to help you need CASH!!!!! Lots of it!
Good luck !
Wasabi

August 1, 2007
12:33 pm
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_anonymous
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Wasabi- It sounds like you are living in a prison. Is there some way you can spend your free time getting an education in a field that would pay well enough for you to live on your own? Do you have any interest in the nursing profession?

August 1, 2007
12:49 pm
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AQueen
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I live in the US and I assume you live in the UK by your name "sleepless in the UK". Here in the states we can go to the local court house and get a no contact order, restraining order, protective order, anti harassment order--all of these order keep someone you want away from you but they vary in the details.

I have a protective order. My ex can't call me, come to my home, be closer than 100ft if he see's me in a public place, and he can't see our son unless he calls and set's up visitation through his mother. The visits must be supervised at this time due to his drug addiction and irratic behavior. I entered the address confidentiality program for domestic violence victims. I didn't have charges brought againist him, he didn't have to do anything for me to get the protective order.

I told them he had been very verbally and emotionally abusive for years and he had been physically abusive a couple of times. I said I was fearful of him because I was, I was leaving him and I knew he would be upset. I said I worried for my safety. I told the court about his drug use and irratic irrational behavior. I told them how he took his son without my permission when I wasn't home after I kicked him out. He was high on drugs and hadn't slept and he assaulted my Mom by pushing her out of the way and he was pulling on my son like tug of war with my Mom until she let go because she didn't want to hurt the baby. He didn't pack a blanker or bottle for him and he was only 4 months old! He didn't have a car so he took off on foot with the stroller and they caught him an hour later on a bus heading into the city.

My Mom has a no contact order. He can't call, come around, call her work, nothing. If he contacts us and we call the police and tell them he's violating the order he will be arrested and taken to jail. He's homeless so in his case if they can't find him they will issue a warrant for his arrest. I've seen him 3x's in 4 months. He was very selfish and it was all about him the entire visit. I feel he used visitation with our son to get at me and to beg me for money and stuff. I was stupid and took my son myself to see him and I took his call and set up the visitation myself instead of through his mom.

He hadn't been harassing me really, he had left a couple messages the week before I spoke with him but that's all. According the order he's supposed to call his Mom and his Mom contacts me to set up visitation and he is supposed to meet at a mental healthy facility where he was supposed to get counseling. Notice I said supposed because he didn't so those things. I am back to not taking his calls or seeing him. I refuse to allow him to see his son in the state his is in, if he wants to take me to court go ahead is how I feel. He has no idea where I live and I like it that way. He's probably bug me again but I won't have a lapse in judgement like I did those 3x's back in June. I left him in March.

You could always contact a domestic violence shelter and they can help you with temporary housing and whatnot. So get to the courthouse and tell them you are in fear for your safety and the childs safety and you'll get a no contact order of some sort. If he needs to get things out of the house he will be escorted by the police to do so. I go to a domestic violence support group ever week. It helps me stay strong, find one for yourself to attend.
AQueen

August 1, 2007
2:16 pm
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glittered when he walked
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Is it impossible for you to leave? Is it possible to obtain support from him for the children? that will help towards food and rent. Do you work?

destiny,

In my experience people being territorial or possessive of 'things" is not restricted to any one gender. I know guys who were financially eviscerated just prior to divorce and thereafter by their spouses...perhaps in the end their motivation was to be vindictive, but in the end they wond up with the bulk of the $ and the things. I know of women who are serial divorcers and have a tendency to keep marrying guys who make more $. just like i know guys who greatly desire prenups to limit their financial liabilities in a separation/divorce

I guess the use of "typical male" and "territorial" bothered me a bit. I mean..here I am..living in an inferior house(5BRs relative to 2, 3 baths relative to 1) and neighborhood relative to that of my stbx while i still carry the bulk of the bills. and if you ask me, i'm just a regular guy. I'm not upset with our arrangement..we made debts in common and they should be split so that we each suffer equally, it's just that for now she has a nicer place to live, but I have my peace of mind and that is worth quite a lot.

The people we marry are not the people we divorce. Who's going to look out for your interests in a divorce...not your stbx, and nor will you look out for theirs. what we can and should do is to strive for what is fair.

August 1, 2007
2:48 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

Sadsack, thank you for understanding how difficult it was for me to front him out. I have spent so many years afraid that I honestly didnt know if I would have the nervve to do it...even while I was telling him.

Your story and that of others sounds a nightmare. It looks like I am in for a long battle and sometimes I despair of having the energy.

Destinystar you are right..he sees his home and all of us in it as his possessions.

I have consulted a lawyer who tells me that it might be possible to have him removed but I would have to prove I was in fear for my safety and that of the kids, in truth it is our emotional safety I fear for which is far more elusive to prove.

Besides, I would be loathe to have the kids see their father dragged from the house.

Wasabi, Glittered,Rising,AQueen, thank you for responding. I think perhaps it will be inevitable that I have to do the moving...I had really hoped I might avoid it for a while, the rental cost is so high.

Perhaps I can force the sale with him still here....I had hoped to avoid that too but maybe I wont be able to.

Thanks for all your support

sleepless

August 1, 2007
3:30 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Glittered, Although I agree that in this particular case with this particular man I agree that he sees us as his possessions, I should have made it clear that I dont think that is true of all men.....but it seems to be with this one

apologies if I didnt make that clear

August 1, 2007
4:00 pm
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sleepless...I was in a similar situation. I was married for 17 years to an alcoholic with anxiety/depression. He was verbally and emotionally abusive, and at times was physically abusive too. We went through counseling several times, and he was either asked to leave the session or left on his own, and would never go back. No counselor was good enough...they were all out to get him. For years and years I asked him to please leave, and he vowed he would never leave and that if I was unhappy I would be the one who would have to leave. I didn't want to pull my kids out of their home or school, so I stayed put.

Finally, after the abuse escalated to threats, I filed for divorce. He reacted very badly, and I asked him to leave for the kids' sake. He agreed, and went to live with his mother. But...a few days after leaving, he came to the house without my knowledge. I had locked extra locks on the doors that I knew he didn't have keys to, so he broke down my front door to get in. With that act and the threats, I was able to get a restraining order.

Our divorce has been final for over 2 years now, and he leaves me alone for the most part.

I don't know if you can reason with him. I couldn't. He's going to leave on his terms, though. It sounds like a control issue. As long as you can tolerate it and he isn't hurting you or the kids, it may be okay to have him stay until he has a place to go. Did you file for divorce yet, or are you just wanting a separation? Sorry if I missed that part of your post...

Good luck, and hang in there. These situations are difficult, and I do not envy you. I'll keep you in my prayers. ((((sleepless))))

August 1, 2007
4:02 pm
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glittered when he walked
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sleepless,

no apology necessary, it wasn't your statement that bothered me.

whatever you wind up doing sleepless, i wish you success and support. just know that you will get thru this and you'll make the best of things...it's as much as can be expected of any of us. You may find being unburdened of that man to be so richly rewarding all by itself that the rental issues will not be so great of a concern. btw..do you work? looking for work?

hang in there ((sleepless))

August 1, 2007
4:28 pm
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wasabi
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Destinystar*
I wrote you a note on the marj. thread not to take away from the topic here with sleepless!
Out of respect to her issue at hand!
((((Good luck sleepless))))
Wasabi

August 1, 2007
5:01 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Thank you all so much for the support. Ready, I do remember a little of your situation, thank you for your support. I have considered just filing for divorce while he is still here.......

Glittered, yes I do work and my salary is pretty reasonable, but I live in Southwest London and the rental prices are astronomical for something that would be large enough for myself and the kids. But you are right I'm sure about the relief being worth the hardship.

thanks so much to all of you for responding

August 3, 2007
3:51 am
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got2bmb
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I had a spouse who got into drugs (hes' now a homeless heroin addict)& ripped me/our kids off everywhich way. My credit is wrecked etc. I supported him & our kids for 13 yrs. I got thugs to remove him, I called the police, I physically removed him & I'm half his size.etc. I had to remove my kids & myself out of town to get away from him. He is still married to me...yuck!

August 3, 2007
5:23 am
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sleepless in uk
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Hi got2bmb

Thanks for respondeing. Your situation sounds horrendous and I am so sorry to hear you are still suffering as a result.

I think drugs and alcohol definitely seem to complicate the issues, and make it very difficult to remain in any kind of relationship.

I hope you can find some peace now you live in another town

Take care

August 3, 2007
8:53 am
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risingfromtheashes
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sleepless,

first of all, consult a lawyer about your financial rights - if you separate, in the USA anyway, you can get immediate temporary child support until things are finalized.

if you own your own place - then yeah, something could be worked out that he either had to buy out your share, or move out and sell it, splitting the profits.

a divorce attorney could show you the way.

now - as far as finding something big enough - if you want out bad enough, it may be worth the sacrifice to find something smaller and make due. In thee states here, kids of opposite gender can't share a room - so at most, you will need a two bedroom place - you can have the kids bunk up together - you can get creative with storage in a small place - think outside the box here. I know many mom's who sacrifice, sleeping on the couch, or air mattress, simply to get out of the abusive home - small sacrifice to pay for getting your sanity back.

When my best friend was told to leave her home - she and her three kids took a one bedroom place - the boys had the bedroom and her daughter and her slept on the pull out sofa - daughter was little then. the place was tiny...she worked three jobs to pay for it....it was a sacrifice...but it was worth it. she is now remarried with a beautiful home and a wonderful husband and one more child.

maybe the answer is downsizing until you get get the proceeds from the sale of your place?

August 3, 2007
9:12 am
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sleepless in uk
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Thanks Rising

I have consulted a lawyer whose strong advice was to remain in the home if at all possible.

However I am probably going to have to be the one to leave. I had just hoped that maybe there was a way I could get him to go.

I dont have a problem with downsizing. I dont mind living in reduced circumstances. I had just hoped to provide a bit of stability for the kids whilst this was going on.

But yes, you are probably right

August 3, 2007
9:18 am
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sleepless in uk
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I meant to say that I have approached Women's refuge but not been able to get practical help because there is no physical violence and there are many women who have greater needs for safe refuges than do I.

My local authority are unable to provide social housing because I jointly own a home, even for a temporary period which is a shame and the private rental market round the SW London area is hugely expensive and pretty scarce.

I am considering how to move forward with this...thank you

August 3, 2007
12:04 pm
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I have had to ask maybe one of two to leave, but after they wouldn't do it on there own, then I had to help them out the door.
I told them that I would help them pack but if I see that they wasn't packing fast enough, then I did the packing and had it sitting out door for them to pick up.
If it not working, it just not working. And they had to go.
Nappy!

August 3, 2007
5:26 pm
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got2bmb
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Thanks Sleepless in UK

I cannot express how important my peace of mind, my humanity & diginity means to me now that we don't live with the ex & he cannot come around when he feels like it. I would not trade amount of money or possessions for the way I feel today. I would give up everything all over again for this freedom I have. I have discovered a whole new existance, stuff people take for granted. For example not sleeping with money or my bank card on me, not worrying about answering the door, not having to make up excuses for how I do things to protect myself. My kids still suffer the loss of having their father, but they realize that he is sick & never going to change.I haven't returned to work, I've taken a year off, & its not like I can afford it. I can't afford not to though.

August 3, 2007
5:32 pm
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sleepless in uk
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((got2bmb))

Well done, I hope you feel proud. You have given your kids a fantastic role model...I wish you every peace in your new life.

August 3, 2007
5:35 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Nappy...I think maybe I should give that a try!!!!

August 3, 2007
5:50 pm
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nappy
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Sleepless,

It worth a try.

I wish that you could of seen there faces when I told them that they had to go and if they need help, then I wouldn't mind lending a helping hand.

Funny, how one of my boyfriend thought that I was playing. His stuff was sitting outdoors. He ask for a glass of water. I wouldn't let him in.
Fill up a papercup and handed it to him out the window.
I was not playing. You are done.
Point blank.

Nappy!

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