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Anyone ever have a serious meltdown at work? I did today. What did you do?
August 12, 2007
5:30 am
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healintime
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Hi Mzrella,

Well, I snapped at my boss last week - long time coming but I don't work on-site, although I have an office there, and he is consistently 90 minutes late to meetings with me, then goofs around and answers calls while I'm with him. Usually I roll with it but my circumstances have changed lately and on Thursday, a day I had to go in (I don't usually work Thursdays) because we got absolutely nothing done on Tuesday due to his goofing off, I finally said something when he started goofing off again. But I didn't just "say" something - I snapped "can you please just stay with me - I cannot come in again this week and we could so easily have gotten through this Tuesday had you been on time." Oops. Warranted? Yup. But I lost control - and that is an awful, awful feeling.

Sounds like you have a lot of frustrations at the moment and they came pouring out over a work situation. It's a horrible feeling to lose control at work when it's usually the place where you're composed, and personable. But maybe it needed to happen and maybe it's a good thing for the people you work with to know that you have feelings. I have no constructive advice - except to say that I read something about jealousy recently that stuck with me. It was an article about the positive side of jealousy - which is the opportunity to look at envy, rather than turn away from it - and to see what, exactly, precisely, it is that you're jealous of in a person or situation. It basically said that if you're feeling like you're coming up short - or someone else seems to be doing better, or you're envious of them - it's a great opportunity to pinpoint how and why - and to work on ways that you can make concrete goals out of it. Only you can know what those goals might be. Maybe it's more time to enjoy your silly side with the kids, maybe it's finding ways to be creative in your down time.

Hope you're feeling better soon,

Hugs,

H x

August 12, 2007
5:35 am
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healintime
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P.S. Also relate completely to the feeling that you've been there for people who haven't reciprocated. I have tried, hard, to be a good friend over the years to a handful of folks who have leaned on me through everything from layoffs, to divorce and health crises - and subsequently been completely MIA since my Mum's cancer diagnosis. One of my closest friends literally called in week one and has now been completely silent for more than two months. Hard one to swallow and I'm not sure how to get over the anger.

August 12, 2007
2:38 pm
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Shaney,

I do not know why I am so alone. My sister says it is my job. She may be right. I am exhausted at night and don't feel much like going out, though if I had friends to join somewhere I'd definitely push myself. I've always been open to hanging out with all sorts of people and I appreciate anyone who makes me laugh. Unlike my sister, who is just looking for a man, I would like ANY friends. What I find is that a lot of women are so tied up with their men friends/husbands that they do not want to make new women friends. This was something I learned gradually after college where I had a lot of people to hang out with. I never found a boyfriend to be enough company, so I do not know why other people do.

For example, the only friend I have I am supposed to go away with. Her boyfriend and her best friend too. They invited me. Months have passed and we have yet to buy tickets. You know what is holding us up? Her boyfriend can't get it together to find out about his days off. SHE is paying for his trip (as she does so many things). Now, if someone was paying for your trip wouldn't you make it easier for them to plan it??? I don't say anything, especially since I was glad to be invited, but I was looking forward to this and now it is stressing me out. I really feel like bailing, but I need all the time I can spend with friends, though I am losing respect in this instance.

August 12, 2007
3:10 pm
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Healingtime-

You were right to say that to your boss. Maybe he will recognize it. Sometimes people take advantage of others in situations where they simply think that person won't care or that they can get away with it. You brought the fact that his behavior is disruptive to your work to his attention. If he doesn't realize this was something you did to help your work performance and benefit the job, he isn't a very good boss (besides being a slacker). Also, if he chooses to personalize it and not cop to his end of the blame- that is on him.

Yeah, I use this instance of envy with this person at work to learn from, but I am having a hard time getting anything beneficial out of it. Truth be told, it is just one of those instances where someone is very fortunate in life. There really isn't much of a way I could have changed my life to get what she has that I envy. She was born to more wealthy parents, she is thin, she has more socially acceptable looks (although I think my face and hair are more attractive, and I even prefer more down to earth personalities like mine- I smile and joke, but am real and communicate when I am upset or disagree with something, I respect people like me, who are honest and upfront, more than people who smile all the time and never let on what they are thinking. Anyone can do what is safe.) She is married, has been since she was about 22, and they are very happy. He has a good job, they have money, live in a great neighborhood (mine is okay, very boring though), everyone is in love with her, she has tons of friends, she is 10 years younger than me and already people are offering her better jobs with out her asking. The kids like her more and she does less for them.

She is happy. Why shouldn't she be? I am depressed. I've suffered with that for most my life, supposedly it is genetic- I have struggled with it, done all I can to battle it. Maybe I would have been worse off if I hadn't tried so hard, but what I am left with is certainly not a life that makes me happy.

I know it is wrong to compare yourself to others. But day by day working next to someone like this is very hard. There is nothing I can do about that. Up until that one day, I have been the actress. That is the professional thing to do. That is also the respectful thing to do, especially if that other person is a kind or decent person not deserving of ill will. They are not at fault for my sadness.

The only thing that bugs me is when she is constantly showing me things that I don't have, pictures of trips with her friends, telling me things people said about her, etc... I think she may not realize how miserable my life is. She complains because she doesn't always get Saturdays off to see her husband. No one does where we work. But I don't have a husband to spend time with at all, I don't have a husband to love enough to miss on Saturday afternoons. She knows I am single, come home to an empty apartment, yet I don't bring this up.

It's like when I wake up in the morning and have to leave the house, my dog is so perky, wags her tail, gives me that dog "smile" and I say "What are you so goddamn happy for? Stop wagging your tale!" Of course I am joking. It is a ritual because she gets to stay home, enjoy the cookies I give her, and luxuriate. But I feel like that. I feel sometimes like when I see my friend at work sayind "Don't be like that in front of me!" But I know that is ridiculous. I just don't know what I do wrong. I try very hard all around.

I went through a short period struggling with heroin abuse. It was really strange the feeling I had when I started. The peace from it extended past the effect of the drug. I was like "Ok, now I'm giving up ever caring what people think. I'm giving up trying- because trying to be happy was getting me nowhere. I am not meant to be happy like all those shiny people. This is what I am meant for and I will be good at it." Truthfully, I wasn't. My concience started to bother me. When I ran out of money I didn't want to steal. I didn't want to degrade myself and maybe that saved me. But here I am doing the right thing, back to trying and I am so unhappy.

Bars are filled with people obliterating themselves everynight. Somehow they end up with more of a social life than I have. I am thinking, is that what I need to do? Go back to drinking? To meet people? Is that the only way?

Sometimes I am so lonely I wish I wasn't afraid to kill myself. Seriously. I know that is no longer an option, and even that last hold out used to keep me going. Now I feel I have nowhere to go. I feel like screaming all the time.

August 12, 2007
3:14 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi ella: What you just described about your friends and vacation is the reason I started vacationing by myself. If there is somewhere I want to go, I now do it by signing up for a tour. Its an easy way to get about, all planned out, and there are usually many single women on the tour that are in the same boat. And thats who usually ends up hanging out together on these trips. On a few trips I have made friends with other women and we have travelled together on other trips. And I do take small trips by myself- like to Hawaii and Mexico or locally- places I am not afraid to go to by myself. I gave up depending on other people for my R & R, and fun time.

I am completely alone too. I have a situation now in which I was feeling pretty desperate and my one friend that lives in the same complex got angry with me and quit talking to me. I have to move because a family of four bought the unit above me and its intolerable.

But my Dad is finally coming to bat and will help me financially, which I never thought would happen. And my realtor- the woman who helped me buy this place 7 years ago- is calling me all the time and we are sort of friends. So its nice to have someone who understands my situation, even though she is doing it in a professional capacity. She knows my family situation and I even broke down and cried in front of her a couple of weeks ago. But she is letting me know that she truly does care about me and its nice to know that. She even gave me a bday present yesterday.

So I guess what I am saying is that there are people who are around that will listen and will want to help. Its just hard, at least for me, to open up and ask for help. I am always in charge of me and sometimes its just overwhelming. Sometimes I want someone to take care of me and there is no one.

((((Ella))))

SD

August 12, 2007
3:34 pm
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(((sdesigns)))-

Actually, before my friend invited me on the trip, I was planning to go to Mexico by myself!!! Since I need to hang out with people, I changed my plans, and now I am sorry. I thought she was the reliable type. Well, if I don't go, I can use some of the days to work on my apartment which is getting renovated. Also, I can save the others for Mexico. I'm just really disappointed in my friend and also that I know so few women that don't let men get the best of them. It is sad.

It is nice to hear that you enjoy your vacations. I think that is what I will end up doing. That is sweet of your realtor. Sometimes people can surprise us. My coworker (who I am so envious of) even wants to go on a day trip with one of our junior assistants and I. I don't know how that would be, but I would be willing to give it a shot. They are both fun girls, and maybe out of the context of work it would be nice. I need all the company I can get. Besides, the assistant is a teen who doesn't get out much either, it would be good for her to and maybe her strict mother would allow it with two responsible escorts. I don't know if that's really escape from all that is bothering me, but I need to confront these things.

I know how it feels to want someone to take care of you for a change. My parents lend me money too, but I think in a way that is what my father might be thinking entitles him to cross other boundaries. According to my therapist, this is not so, that parents can give their offspring things without us feeling we are indebted to them to allow them to abuse the relationship. It makes me feel so awful that I have even depended on my parents emotionally at all right now. I am so angry with my father I am fit to be tied. (see thread "My father... another woman besides my mother..." It compounds my loneliness.

thank you SD.
-ella

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