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Anyone ever have a serious meltdown at work? I did today. What did you do?
August 9, 2007
8:03 pm
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This week hasn't been the best for anyone in NY. Trasportation is stressing us all out. I missed a day of work, relaxed, only to come back and have a complete meltdown.

It's been a long time coming I guess. To make a long story short, I said a few things I shouldn't have, and then cried in front of one of the teens that works there. She caught me coming out of the bathroom when I thought everyone had left and I was still red-eyed. Then she asked if I was okay and I just lost it. Isn't it awful when that happens? Just when people are at their best- being so sweet and concerned- you can't even appreciate it because it sucks how it makes you come undone.

I'm so upset I let my emotions get the best of me. What happened was that I have a collague with a different position than mine who is very well liked. It's hard for me because I work so hard at what I do and all the kids I work with just love her. (So do adults.) I like her to, she is very sweet. But you know what? So am I!! I feel like I'm being territorial, but I also feel like there are boundaries that are not being respected here.

So today I said, I was trying to joke, but it came out serious- exactly how I felt- "Would you like to trade jobs- or if I left do mine? Because they love you. They wouldn't miss me at all! I need to work closer to home." She said "What would make you say a thing like that?" and I said "Oh, nothing and everything. The kids have always liked you better." Then I was really upset. Had to go into another room to get some things, was crying, some kids tried to get in the room (because they like the room- not because they want to be with me) and I just said "Go away please, this room is closed." Those were my children that I care so much about and I just couldn't compose myself enough to pretend things were okay. I didn't want them to see me crying.

It makes me angry also that the kids are so enamored with this woman because she has less to do, can sit and "play" with them and ingratiate herself while I do the work that makes our environment a place they can enjoy. She is supposed to be working with older kids.

I'm just angry that I am feeling so jealous like a juvenile brat. I tried to talk to my boss and she just said "Oh there's nothing to be JEALOUS about. That's not true." She knows it is. She's even mentioned it herself- this woman "is so charming" "the kids love her." At first I was glad for that, that there is someone who treats the kids well working there. I still am glad for that. But I am upset that someone who has everything in life that is lacking in mine, has to take over my little world and leave me in the shadows.

I remember having similar issues with my sister and men, but that was limited to men. You would think the sun rises and sets according to this woman. You know what the first thing people say to me when they see me half the time? "Where is Mrs. X?" Usually, I just ignore it. Sometimes I cry on the train home because I feel so invisible, useless and diminished. Today the dam just burst.

I wish my assistant didn't ask me if I was okay, but she truly is a sweet kid. I'm sure she's lost all respect for me now though.

-ella

August 9, 2007
10:14 pm
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Shaney
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Oh ella, my friend. We've ALL been there, believe me, whether at work or not. Twinges of jealousy happen everywhere, unfortunately. I've had my share of embarrassing and regretful outbursts, but hey, we can't stay in total control of our emotions ALL the time. Shit, I hate that you feel that way, but, that being said, I think that this current situation is just the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. You haven't been feeling up to par for a while, and this is like salt poured into an already open wound. I wouldn't place too much attention on HER, particularly - she's really not the issue. You don't strike me as being insecure... with your brains and wit, you don't have anything to be insecure about. As for breaking down in front of the teen... she was probably really glad that she could be there for you. Emotion draws people closer to you, in my opinion, especially if you're typically so controlled. I'm extremely controlled at work, and the few people that I've opened up to, have expressed to me that it was nice to finally get to KNOW me. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably be very open with Miss Wonderful, and let her know a little about how you're feeling. If she's that wonderful, she'll understand. Honesty is good, and can put a cap on some of that pain that you're feeling. You're a good person, ella, and I'm sure everyone knows it. But just remember that we all have our troubles and our demons - even Miss Popularity.

:o)

August 9, 2007
10:43 pm
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((((Ella))))

"But I am upset that someone who has everything in life that is lacking in mine, has to take over my little world and leave me in the shadows."

Ahhh, Ella. How well do you know this woman? Do you know much about her life outside of work? Maybe things aren't as rosy as you think, but maybe they are. Does she have children? Maybe she just naturally appeals to them if she is a mother herself. there may be things about your life that she envies- you just never know.

Ella, you've been here long enough for people to know how kind, sensitive, intelligent, witty, and accomplished you are. You take things seriously too. Does she maybe not take the "tasks" as seriously as you do?

I know I get very task oriented, feeling like I have to get a ton of things done, and I don't take the time to really enjoy what it is I am doing, who I am meeting, etc. So I am trying to correct that and enjoy more aspects of my work, trying to get more satisfaction out of the whole experience.

And in some of past jobs I always felt I was doing a great job- because of how efficiently I accomplished the tasks, and then I would negative comments on my evals about my people skills. Now I see that it was probably true, as the task wasn't always the thing that was remembered.

SD

August 10, 2007
1:28 am
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sdesigns-

Hi. Since we are friends and chat all the time, I know her well enough. She has a very nice life and will be the first to tell you so. Some people are happy, you can't begrudge them that just because some of us aren't.

She doesn't have children. I have always had success with children wherever I worked. The difference here is that this woman is favored. It could for reasons as simple as that she has more down time, (I am NOT task oriented, I am just doing the minimum of what is given to me- which is a lot more than her specialty has to do).

This is ruining the best part of my job which is relating to the kids themselves. Otherwise, I feel like I am there to fix computers, maintain the collection, and organize programs.

My people skills are usually what everyone appreciates. It just hurts. Sometimes I think that the kids like her better simply because of how she looks... kids can be like that. Also, she looks more different from them and the adults in the area then I do: blonde, thin, WASPy. (I hope that is not offensive, just a discriptor).

There's nothing in my life that I think this woman would envy, seriously. Everything I can do, she can do better. One of those. And believe me, her personal life is not lacking in anything. She is happily married to a guy who makes good money, she has a lot of friends, she goes on weekend vacations a lot, she's much better looking than me, thin, well dressed... I could go on, but I prefer not to. She actually shows me pictures on a regular basis, we talk about things, etc. Believe me, I'm no downer (until today). We laugh a lot. It's been hard to stay in control, but I've been making the best of the situation.

Them who gots gets. This situation just proves this to me.

August 10, 2007
1:43 am
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Shaney,

It's true about it being the straw, I've been dealing with this for over a year and didn't explode until today.

This week sucked, I had an irksome incident with my father which I will discuss on another thread and I have had such anger.

The teen was just expressing to me that she had "anger management and nerve problems" that very day. So I know she understands a lot, but still, you are not supposed to be seen like that to people you are supervising. Also, I was talking to her and trying to cheer her up because the security guard played a prank on her that upset her. She basically told me what was bothering her and I listened. Then I told her my take on this very juvenile person which was that this was his rather bad sense of humor, but that he likes to act that way with people he likes and it was out of affection- though I really understood how it stressed her out, it would have made me angry too. I tried to cheer her up by showing her pictures from a book someone sent to me, but apparently MS> WONDERFUL showed it to her already. I gave her gum. Told her she handled it very well regardless of how she felt. And listened. She seemed to be relaxed and didn't say much so I turned around to get something out the door and realized she left the room before me and headed to go talk to Ms. Wonderful. Fine, guess I didn't do the job of consoling her very well. But that is typical. Ironically, it was she that came over to me later when I was upset.

What I was upset about is how the other kids are so into seeking Ms Wonderful's company. They ask her to read to them. She hates reading out loud. They bring books to her when she is on the desk. I offer story time twice a week and always invite them. Do they come? Rarely. It's some kids who's parents drag them there. I'm just feeling really irrelavant.

Usually I AM pretty honest with her. If I had more time today and it wasn't the end of the day, I might have had a chat about this instead of blurting it out. I had just had a huge program that the kids had a lot of fun at. This is satisfying, but I'd be lying if I'd said that my ego isn't hurting from all the rejection.

August 10, 2007
3:19 am
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(((Ella)

sorry about all you have had to go through.

they say "there always will be people greater and lesser than us"

just know that someone also envies you and there are more people who are much better off and blessed than you.

Now that your feelings came out and you even cried , I hope it makes you feel better..atleast.

accept and love yourself the way you are. most of the time we "humans" get dissapointed becasue we measure ourselves with others but who said she is the greatest!!!!!

my advice get close to her and learn the goodness from her, not so that the kids accept you, but so that you become a better Mzrella.

all the best

August 10, 2007
3:33 am
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wannabe-

Thanks for writing.

I don't feel better now that I cried, I feel worse. Before, I at least had my composure, my dignity and treated others at all times with care and respect. Today I was all wrong.

Honestly, I think I have a lot to offer. She is ten years younger than me. We have things to learn from all people, but in this case it's just the fact that other people want to be like her because she leads a charmed life and they are drawn to her. It's nothing she is doing right that I am not.

I do not feel that "some people are greater and lesser." That sort of makes me feel crappy to think that someone is considered "greater" because this is a shallow world, and I certainly don't look down on anyone and consider them "Lesser."

August 10, 2007
8:08 am
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I am dreading this day.

August 10, 2007
9:56 am
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hi ella!

I have struggled with a similiar situation on the job, I worked with a guy who was younger than me, was considered smarter, lived a great life, everything he did was so impressive to the CEO and our supervisor and I felt like, "O I'm just a girl in the world".

My day came though, he wound up leaving the job, and today, I am in charge of the dept. I still know that they loved this guy and thought the world of him. I just kept doing what I do best, which was to be a better designer than he was, which I am and they all knew it, but they really dug him! Thought he was the greatest since sliced bread.

It still bugs me every now and then, but I can't change what they think. I can only be my best self.

I doubt the girl who works for you lost all respect. Its hard being vulnerable and showing your feelings to someone else. Its easy to worry so much about what the other person thinks. Believe me, I do it, I can obsess with the best of them.

Here's a quote I heard recently which is really good...

I seek strength not to be greater than my sister, but to fight my greatest enemy, MYSELF!

You will do fine today. For me, when I get stuck in my head, thinking about what everyone else thinks, its bad, I am not in control of myself.

When I let go, and know I am making the moves, and behaviors that just come naturally, I focus less on what other people think.

I hope this helps you mzrella, I hope I don't sound ridiculously positive or something. This stuff isnt easy, but its a learning experience, just know you are not alone in this!! Keep posting.

b

August 10, 2007
5:35 pm
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((((Ella)))) I broke down at work and guess what? I couldnt run away at the moment, and I couldnt stop crying rivers. It was a school training session with all teachers and some parents talking about "family". "We are a family", they kept saying. I dont know but I think my marriage and the stress of starting a new job I was afraid of did it.

Grade zero for my control management. I apologized to the director and what did she say? "Oh, you are one of us! We are family!" Then came the weekend and on the first day of work, I was on my way flying hundreds and after thousands miles away.

It seems you´re a better position. You are owning up to you pain. Hopefully you´ll pinpoint what bothers you b/c I think it goes deeper than pet jeaulousy. As said, you are smart, lovable, considerate, hardworking, etc. You have nothing left to desire to be a nice considerate worker to everyone. In a way, if people were more allowed to break down, including men, less people would be running away from their feelings. She´s a regular person, fed by a cheering crowd, maybe icnluding you?? Remember, trying to be Ms. Wonderful is no small job and has a price, too. Who knows what her life truly is?? Madonna wrote a book called English Roses - its just about that. You should definitely reat it for yourself and your kids.

Having said that, one reality is... Ive been learning that we need to be on the side of the demand. If the kids want to run away from their feelings anad do some fun stuff, thats what we gonna have to do to be popular. In my case, when I had a partner teacher, it didnt matter how well I thoaught. The popular thing was to advertise and bring in students. I know people who´ll always have their jobs b/c of the money or the clients they bring in no minding the work as much. Even today I struggle with this. I try not to get more students than I can handle to teach. Then I face the sitz of turnover which is common in self-employment. Students come and go.

Then I have a neighbor who manages to be an office manager and an "A" cleaning lady. No matter how well I cleaned to the top of my energy, I would never clean as she does. Then she isnt broke, has a boyfriend and I even serve as a sounding board to her sometimes. Since she´s been a real support to me, and I know I have other talents, I dont feel less. But right now she´s cleaning, should have hired a cleaning lady and gone home.

Well, take care of yourself! You´re a very nice person! Just been going through some sensitive time. If you hold up Ms. Wonderful to being the greatest a 100% of the time, she will not be able to. So try to see her for what she really is.

August 10, 2007
8:15 pm
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(((Ella))) I had a meltdown today and even did a mistake bc I am a serious hardworking person. Thanks God you started this thread, I really needed it. So hon...you're not alone. Thank God we've had a farewell party to a co-worker and had a party in the backyard of our building with beers and and chips and lots of laugh. It really helped me to unwind and NOT take life too seriously.

I know we codep folks tend to take ourselves too sriously and become workaholics at the office. That's why an office party every now and then is a real blessing. Isn't it?

August 10, 2007
8:59 pm
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Hi ((((Ella))))

So sorry to hear about your meltdown today. I've had plenty myself.

After listening to you the past several months (maybe even a year by now? wow time flies when you're trying to grow) I know that you are a great person with so much to offer the library and the children who visit it.

I really don't think this has that much to do with Mrs. Wonderful as it does your feelings of not belonging or fitting in. You have mentioned this on past threads and I can so much relate to this feeling. I feel this way often too.

When you are already feeling this way and the kids are the one thing that you have and you look at Mrs. Wonderful and it feels like she is drawing this one good thing away from you and she has so much that you want and don't have... no wonder you had a meltdown- I think I would have too. This sounds normal- it sucks to go through it but it is just a part of your path in life right now.

The things you do make a difference... even if the kids don't flock to you- they wouldn't enjoy the library as much without your work. Usually it is the behind the scenes stuff that makes the biggest difference anyway- but so often the behind the scenes people don't get the recognition.

This happens where I work- where our naturalists get all the credit for the great time people have at the parks- but really they wouldn't have enjoyed themselves so much if they came and the trails weren't trimmed and mowed, the restroom was filthy and the tram wasn't running... but do our rangers get any recognition or thanks? almost never- but they are the ones who do all the work that makes the park a fun and comfortable place for the nature walks and other activities the naturalists conduct.

The way I see it- people could still enjoy the park if we did the ranger's tasks- but if didn't have any one doing the ranger jobs and everyone only did the nature hikes- then no one would have a good time because the park would be a mess and no one would want to walk through the thorny unkept brushland.

I think you are in more of a ranger type position at the library and Mrs. Wonderful seems to be in a position more like a naturalist.

What you do makes a huge difference. Without you to plan the event and do all the background work- then the kids wouldn't have those things.

I also think that you do such a great job the rest of the time that having a few meltdowns is perfectly OK and makes you human.

I think you are great and really appreciate all you to do make a difference for those kids. I am sure they would notice if you left. I know that I would miss you if you weren't part of my cyber life.

I hope this difficult time passes through your life quickly. Keep working at it- you are making progress.

Remember the post you wrote to me on baby steps? I still think of that whenever I am frustrated. You have made a difference to me.

Hugs,
Chelonia

August 10, 2007
11:21 pm
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balancesekr-

Hey you have been giving me words of wisdom for some time now. Thank you for what you wrote. Fortunately, I also read it today when I am more receptive to any input. You know, sometimes you vent here and get upset and things don't sink in. I think
Wannabe was saying things with wisdom from a similar place as what you said, I was just to upset to get the meaning.

So I dreaded today, but when I got there I was all smiles- because truthfully, I love all of my coworkers and the kids or none of this would have hurt at all in the first place. Then at lunch, I apologized to my friend that I am jealous of for my outburst. That made me feel better immediately, because I didn't want her to feel like I was TRYING to make her feel bad- though I know she might have. I said I was sorry to be so awful yesterday, I feel really bad that I didn't get a chance to talk to you about that. And she said "Oh, I just was wondering if something happened..." I said no, that I felt like that a lot, inferior and that the kids prefer her and she said she doesn't believe that's true that they LOVE me or whatever. Then she said "I just want to know, if there is anything that I can do differently?" I said of course not! It's not you, it's my problem, I have issues, self esteem issues (we talk about those things anyway) and that she isn't doing anything wrong. I wouldn't want her to do anything differently. I felt bad that I lost control and that I wanted her to know that I am aware that it is my problem not hers. It was a really relaxed conversation like we normally have, and then we just talked about the kids, etc.

So things were a lot better, but I will have to work on my jealousy thing for a while. When I start to feel better, it won't be so debilitating. Usually, I don't treat people badly because of it... I think I'm just on the verge of exploding for one reason or another lately... my view of everything is much worse than it should be.

Yes, I believe that this caring what other people think is true step backward for me. I used to be more mature than that!

thank you for writing,
hugs,
ella

August 10, 2007
11:30 pm
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(ella)
when we work with people we can always find someone, more charming, more energetic, more popular. I teach. I can always point to other teachers and say, they relate to the kids better than I do, They stay late and plan great games. The trouble is that once you start that you will always lose. the great thing about working with children and that kind of environment is that it isn't a competition. It's a job. Okay so she has more kids asking her to read. Perhaps the few who listen to you really really like the way you read. Perhaps the parents who bring their kids to be read to recognize the good things you bring.

I have broken down in a classroom in front of kids. It was horrible but the next day, I just said, Sorry you didnt' see the best of Ms. Tiger yesterday and life went on. Breaking down is embarrassing but it happens.
We here want you to succeed on your own terms and be happy.

August 10, 2007
11:33 pm
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Awesome, ella. You did the right thing. So many people would have NEVER confronted such a situation with that kind of honesty. That right there, says so much about your character and integrity. I'm sure Miss Wonderful sees that in you.

August 10, 2007
11:45 pm
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sininho-

Funny you should mention the Madonna book "English Roses." At first, I didn't buy the Madonna book for my library. I didn't get a chance to see it first hand and preferred to spend my paltry budget on books I was certain I had faith in. Unfortunately, I dismissed it as one of those things that celebrities with too much clout do when they feel they are good at everything. But you know what? We got three brand new copies DONATED to my library this year. I read it and LOVED IT. I felt like crying. There are some things that I would have done a little differently, knowing a lot of children's books- but it is better than most. There is a lot of fluff in children's lit. It kind of reminded me of the book "One Hundred Dresses" even though it's a different idea. I guess the similarity between them is not knowing what someone is really like if you only know them on the surface.

Where I work, they are big on statistics as well. I don't mind that, because I have learned to ignore the pressure for that and focus on quality service. In the meeting for our summer reading club, one librarian who is a "favorite" actually stood at a podium and said "Just get them to sign up any way you can, tell them they will win something, we don't care if they read or not, just get those statistics up." I was in shock. OF COURSE I care if they READ!!! I could give a goddamn about the statistics. But since that's what they try to woo donors with that's what our organization cares about. Couldn't they just work on old fashioned P.R. tactics and say "Duh. Reading is IMPORTANT to our children's future and to this CITY." I guess its just easier to show people a bunch of numbers. I don't play that game.

Yet, it isn't that hard to get children to come to programs. They LOVED my program the other day. I do a lot of art. This was about costumes. I do think my collegue's job is much harder statistic wise because her age group of kids is harder to recruit. My sister used to be in that job. But everyone understands that.

Your cleaning friend and my situation sound similar. Sometimes we can have friends who we envy, but still admire and love. Maybe that's why it hurts so much and makes us feel so small. I know I felt really ugly for feeling those things about a nice person. Yes I am one of the people that appreciates her, but she does things for me and we talk constantly. We share responsibilities in our job and jealousy aside- work well together.

I just still long to feel loved as well, and I guess that's what I see- someone who has something I don't and it magnifies my pain. Do you know what I mean?

Also, I just gained a few inches. It's weird. It doesn't weigh in on the scale, but I had to give a lot of clothes away and am really HATING my body. My coworker is very thin and it reminds me constantly of what I am not. I had a boyfriend say to me once when he met one of my friends who was pretty- I guess I said "Isn't she pretty?" (which I'm sure he saw as a loaded question) "Well, I think you are prettier. Why is it girls never have friends that are more attractive than themselves?" I was just like WTF? Because I knew he was wrong. (also, that's mathematically impossible). But I can see where he might get that idea. But do women actually say "I can't be friends with her because she's too pretty?" Or is it that pretty girls don't understand what the life experiences of plainer girls are like to they don't naturally gravitate toward one another? I don't know.

thanks for writing,
hugs, ella

August 10, 2007
11:51 pm
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Tiger Trainer-

Yeah, I've always been bothered by people who made serving children all about themselves and their ego. Then yesterday I felt like such a hypocrite. I felt like I wasn't keeping my personal feelings in check, and usually I have been very good at that. Those kids dont' come there to make me feel good about myself, it's the other way around- I'm there to help them gain an enriched life experience. Somehow I lost focus and I am really ashamed of that. I am glad to talk to my colleage and that she was a big enough person to let it go.

thanks for writing.
you teachers are like our sisters out there- (although your job is much harder!),
-ella

August 11, 2007
10:06 pm
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So true and it's so important to remember that to focus on the kids not the petty back biting collegues. i can tell you are caring loving person for doing what you are doing. I'm sure the kids know that too.

August 11, 2007
10:30 pm
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Good for you, Ella! You are bigger than life´s unplanned events! I think you´re entitled to feel great about yourself as much as the kids are entitled to get a satisfactory to excellent service from you. But you dont have to be 100% every day. Its not like you threw books at people!

Yeah, I didnt even like Madona till a while back, her book just made her look good once again - I mean, as you said, it´s a pretty good book (esp. for a star), he he.

Iwant to say that I think you may have your issues but nothing that makes you less of a Good Person. One has different areas in life that need to be satisfied for us to be happy. I think these areas are not like communicating water vases/cylinders, you understand? So, if one area is depleated, it isnt fed from another vase. If the depleated vase is the esteem vase, it doesnt help to fill the other vases with more water b/c the esteem vase keeps low. Now only you should know what your esteem relies on. As we age, we may value beauty more than ever. I dont believe being richer or more popular will compensate. I believe what would help is to reevaluate our concept of what beauty really is for us. It seems it will be a lot of suffering to believe its all physical b/c there will endless things going wrong with our beauty from the day we are born. And dont we all notice how beautiful someone not so attractive becomes when s/he smiles? It would be a matter of just freezing or sewing the muscles and bang youre beautiful. How long would the thrill last? Even it the smile were perfect/comfortable in every aspect.

Just know this: Your caring, wisdom and wit are much needed here. Hugs,

August 11, 2007
11:06 pm
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hi ella!

Your welcome 🙂 I'm happy to be there for YOU! That is GREAT you discussed this with your coworker. I know its so hard not to compare ourselves to others. I pratically live there sometimes, completely losing focus on my life and thinking.... she has it better, she is prettier, she is________ fill in the blank.

For me it comes down to me not believing in myself and not wanting to make my own choices and live my life and feel comfy with it, but I am working on it. 🙂

With little kids too, of course, you really wanna be liked by them. They are the purest form of people in a way. So if they love you, you know your great! Or at least you think so. But there are different kinds of kids as well and some my not dig the bubbly, perfect way of your coworker, maybe they like your style better, ya know!

talk to you soon! keep working on building yourself up. Its hard work, I know for me I have been bad to myself for so long, I need to forgive myself.
((HUGS to YOU)))
b

August 12, 2007
12:40 am
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Hi all,

My job also gets me down because it takes so damn long to get there and back and this drains me. Also, subtracts significantly from my free time. I feel like that is why my body is starting to go. I feel old.

There are things that are missing for my life that leave a big vaccuum. I can feel the loss of them physically sometimes like a whole in my stomach.

Besides being very lonely, having no one to talk to on the phone, laugh with, etc., because of my schedule have little time or energy for exercise or doing anything creative which is my passion. I have started walking part of the way home, continuing my language class, but I feel empty still.

And I HATE my body!!!! Have i mentioned that? I just had to give away so miny nice clothes. I don't eat a lot, I eat healthy, I'm a vegetarian. I don't know what is going on. I'm not ready for middle age.

I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of my family being so inaccessable. I'm tired of having no friends. I'm tired of thinking about my ex at all for any reason. I'm tired of being alone and not enjoying it.

August 12, 2007
1:01 am
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Shaney
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I know what you're saying ella. The whole body image is huge. It drives what you wear, how comfortable you feel in what you wear, how you carry yourself, etc. I get it. When I turned 38, things started to change. I was brought up in the fitness industry. My mom owned three gyms and I worked for her from high school until I was in my late 20s. I had a killer body without having to try that hard. NOW, I'm feeling like it takes all my attention and effort to look mediocre. Ugh. Aging sucks. I'm 41, commute 3 hours a day to work, and have no time for myself. I get what you're saying. Now that some of the drama has gone away in my life I need to reorganize my priorities and put myself at the top of the list. Honest to God, I need a full blown makeover. It may seem shallow to some, but I'm the one who has to look at myself everyday in the mirror. I want to be proud of what I see, and FEEL good too. I'm not healthy right now... I feel it. It's hard getting started, and it's always easier to have someone to walk with, or work out with, but I need to start something new NOW.

August 12, 2007
1:47 am
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Shaney-

It's like I feel like I'm being punished for something. I don't know what.

I really feel like I try to be responsible, try to make my life better, try to make myself healthier, but I'm not succeeding at so many things.

What I really hate is the implication by others that any little thing that makes me unhappy is my fault. Honestly, there are going to be these things in life that we have no control over that make us unhappy. I think sometimes that people feel the need to have something to say that you should "do" instead of just listening and understanding. I think a little sometimes this is my therapist even though I like her. I feel like no matter what actions I take to improve my life in the face of depression and all else, it isn't enough.

I wish I liked myself more because there is certainly no one else giving me validation. In the past I have "been there" for so many people. No one is really there for me. Maybe this is my "validation" bottom. Maybe by being here at the emptiest part of my life, I am forced to learn how to like myself when no one else is arround to appreciate me and make me feel good. Sometimes you take that for granted.

I'm just feeling so low. I'm wondering how all these years passed without me finding a place I liked in this world.

August 12, 2007
2:54 am
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Shaney
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That's funny that you feel that you're being punished for something. My h said that several times when we were going through that rough patch which finally seemed to end a couple of months ago. That particular time in our life tested every cell in our body, I swear. It lasted a couple of years. Nothing went right, we were constantly struggling. But he would always say, "I must have done something aweful, to deserve all of this. I feel like I'm being punished." It really did feel like punishment, but I thought it was crazy to think such a thing. We work hard, help others when we can, participate with our families and friends... you know, just live a normal, productive life... in hopes of receiving some sort of "reward" for all of our honest efforts. Well, the rewards never seemed to come. After a while, we would have settled for an inkling of PEACE... It wasn't our "fault" that we were experiencing such upset in our lives. Just like I know it isn't your fault. Things happen to us that are beyond our control, and we have to puff up and deal with them. It is easier to have someone to weather those storms, but I was once very alone too. That's when I moved out of my small town to L.A. and crawled out of that fishbowl that I was living in. I had to change things up for myself and take advantage of the time that was passing right before my eyes. When I moved, I took more chances, I think, and learned to not take rejection or disappointment so personally. There are a LOT of people out there... and we need to try them on for size before we know whether theyre going to fit us or not. I went out on a limb and made lots of friends, but only kept a few. And although I enjoy being alone quite a bit, I need people. They DO help to build you up... and we all need that. We need a reason to dress up, and to go out. We need to socialize and be involved. We need to feel like we fit in. And that may be what you're missing if I'm reading you right. The "fit". With your wit and personality, it's surprising to me that you don't have plans every other night, really. I know you're trying, and I really don't have the perfect answer or solution for instant happiness. It took moving to extract me from my shell. The ball seemed to roll for me after my move. My small town and the small minded people that lived there, seemed to hold me back. Once I was gone, there seemed to be no road blocks. Do you see any road blocks in your current situation?

August 12, 2007
3:17 am
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Shaney
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"Maybe this is my "validation" bottom. Maybe by being here at the emptiest part of my life, I am forced to learn how to like myself when no one else is arround to appreciate me and make me feel good. Sometimes you take that for granted."

Maybe you have something. Most people miss the chance to actually start from the bottom, to build a stronger foundation for themselves. They're so busy trying to avoid the lonliness and pain, they rush into another bad situation. The new situation is only a temporary fix, because the same old you still hovers below the surface.

You could view you current situation as freshly poured foundation on which to build.

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