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Anyone available to give a reality check? ....Hurts_so_bad
January 31, 2005
6:46 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Alegab and whitelight,

Thank you so much for all your suggestions. I just find it so hard to let go. I am having an extremely difficult day today with this. I'm not sure why. I just feel like crying all the time. Nothing can cheer me up. I think I'm losing what little control I have left.

I want to call him and beg him to come back. Luckily, a big part of me is afraid to do that because he may truly think I'm a lunatic.

Help me!

January 31, 2005
7:47 pm
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msguud
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Hi Hurts: I know how you feel. I could have written exactly what you just wrote. I just read something good:

"Letting go does not mean leaving - it only means forsaking our illusions and becoming realistic about what we have. That's not so difficult."

I still wear an elastic band on my wrist and man it hurts when I snap it because I am thinking about him and I say to myself: Want to be hurt? (SNAP) That's what you'll get if you connect with him again. (hey, it helps.)

I joined a gym today. I need to work on myself, not always putting myself last as usual. I'm gonna get a nice body out of this FOR ME......

I know how you feel. It hurts. Keep trying. Believe it or not, every day does get better. I'm here to talk to.

Ms.P.

January 31, 2005
11:17 pm
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Alegab
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Hurts- You are exactly where you should be. What i mean by that is that you are at the beginning of "withdrawal." It is HELL. But just think getting through these difficult times will be worth it because you are WORTH it. Once you are in recovery from this nightmare you will have self esteem, dignity and power. Just try to think how horrible you will feel afterwards if you beg him to come back. I did it last friday, I FELT LIKE DYING AFTERWARDS.

I know right now it is difficult to comprehend all this. It is TOUGH. You might not be totally ready to give up, that is ok, its a process. Maybe it will take you a little longer than someone else. We are not all the same. The important thing is that you don't loose hope and you don't stop trying.

At my SLAA meeting last night after i updated in what was going on, this guy approached me and said you got everything down pack, you know everything you have to do, how to do it, how it works etc. etc. The key now is to implement it. I will do it, i know i will. Today i spoke to him and i felt horrible afterwards. He had sent me an e-mail very late saturday night telling me he missed me, he thought of me often etc. he also said he had too much to drink Today when i spoke to him i asked how much they drank. he said i lost count. I said it was a great party i guess. He said, it wasn't a party, i said whatever it was, he said yes we had fun. I felt like crap. I didn't show him though that it upset me. I acted just the opposite. Before i hung up i said "keep on partying."

Then i told him about the dream i had last night about him. I dreamt that he and I were both at a resort with neither one of us knowing the other was there. Then we found each other and he said, how great, i am leaving tonight to go to my condo near by. She (meaning his wife) is not suppose to come until another day. Would you like to get together. Of course i said yes. So he said, ok, you can walk there, suddenly i saw that there were mountains around and i said, i can't walk all that distance. he said ok i'll pick you up. A little while later he came back to tell me that she decided to come up a day earlier. I was so disappointed. He said but.... i can spend 15 minutes with you!!!! In the dream i don't know what i said. But when i told him the dream today and he asked what did you say to me i said "i told you to shove it." jajajajjaj I said this dream was very significant and its a sign. He said a sign of what? I said a sign of alot to think about. I know that what i say doesn't effect him, at least he doesn't show it. I have to show him ACTION. Actions speak louder than words. I know i am very close to having my life back. He is the one to loose. If given the opportunity, i know that i would never be able to trust him, believe in him or respect him. We want what we can't have. We fantasize of "what could be." It is what it is. An apple cannot be an orange.

Have a good night and i wish you a great day tomorrow. Hang in there. All that i am telling you i tell myself.

Love and Hugs
Alegab

February 1, 2005
12:18 am
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jko
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msguud:
My dad's friend used the same technique with the rubberband. I talked to her three years ago about this person I am still involved with. It helps me to move on. Thanks,JKO

February 1, 2005
12:28 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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hmmmmm...a rubber band. That's one thing I haven't tried. Tomorrow I'll be wearing a rubber band.

Anything to get over him. I feel so miserable and sad. I'm wasting my life away pining over a ghost. He might as well be dead to me for all the attention I get from him.

I'm going to try and get some sleep. Have a busy day ahead of me tomorrow at work.

Please everyone....pray for me and I'll check in tomorrow morning. Good night.

February 1, 2005
8:47 am
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msguud
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Dear Hurts: And don't forget to say the serenity prayer as much as you need to.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Hope you slept last night. Keep busy at work. It's another day. Snap that elastic!

February 1, 2005
9:51 am
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sunshyn
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Hello everyone. I am new to this but I really need some advice and support. I am 31 in a first time marriage. I recently entered therapy due to relationship problems. I have discovered my own codependency issues however major issues have come up in my marriage and I just dont know how to deal with them. My husband has withheld some major information from me such as having a son and this being a third marriage instead of a second marriage. My husband is from another country and his responses appear to make sense however different things keep coming up. This is my second serious relationship and I want so badly for things to work out. However I always rationalize and excuse others behaviors. I am trying to emotionally so eventually I am able to sustain a healthy relationship instead of an unhealthy one. Can another give me some advise?

February 1, 2005
10:52 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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Good morning guys,

Hope everyone is feeling okay today and I hope we can all be strong.

My nite went okay....after crying for awhile, I picked myself up and went for a long walk. That seemed to help. I slept better anyway.

I'm wearing my rubberband today and I don't care how much I start to miss that jerk - I am not writing him.

Let me know how you guys are doing. 🙂

February 1, 2005
11:19 am
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Alegab
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Hi- Although a baby step. I blocked him from seeing me on line and I blocked him from sending me e-mail.
I feel a little control. Since his x-mas vacation he stopped coming on line, he told me a few lies why. I know better. He changed his screen name. He sent me an e-mail saturday night because he was drunk and needed some comforting!!!! Now if he ever tries to send me an e-mail it will say "this person is not accepting e-mail from you." As far as talking to me on line he can't because he does not see me when i am on line, i blocked him. Its a baby step but i feel in control of this one. HE CANNOT CHANGE IT. The BIGGEST one is ending it for good and not rationalizing, excusing, and saying one last time and things will be ok. I am only deceiving myself. I WILL GET THERE WITH GOD'S HELP AND MY WILLINGNESS TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Hurts i hope you are doing ok. Remember it takes time, and you are on your way. A day at a time. I tried that rubber band think a long time ago. It helped.

Be kind to yourself. Buy yourself some pretty flowers and set them on your desk or table at home. Buy yourself a card and send it to yourself. These are just suggestions that might help you.

Love and Hugs
Alegab

February 1, 2005
11:36 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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Thank you so much Alegab. You don't know how good it feels to know that there are some wonderful people out there that care about me and how I'm feeling.
It means a lot to me to have such support.

I hope your day will go smoothly. You're a very special person....be good to yourself. 🙂

February 1, 2005
2:10 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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This rubberband thing seems to be working......except my wrist hurts so darn much from snapping it every 5 minutes...lol.

Have heard nothing from him.....I guess in reality that is good news....just right now it sucks. I don't like it.

February 1, 2005
11:21 pm
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Alegab
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Hi Hurts- Thank you for your kind post. If I can be of any help I am always willing. I know that "withdrawal" is hell. YOU WILL OVERCOME THIS. BE KIND TO YOURSELF.

Designs sent the following post to my thread. I looked it up, it is amazing how true everything stated in the article is. Take the time to read it, its a great help. I put a rubber band on my hand again. The last time i tried it, it didn't work too well for me. This time i try to snap it as hard as i can so i can relate to the hurt J has put me through.

Have a great day tomorrow. MAKE IT HAPPEN FOR YOU.

LOVE AND HUGS ALEGAB
sdesigns
1-Feb-05

Hi rock and alegab: sounds like you two are coming along. I ran across a thread I had printed out and thought you might be interested. It is called "What is an Addictive Relationship" dated 9-28-04 and was provided by "over the edge" Thanks, OTE. You can find it on the thread search. SD

February 1, 2005
11:37 pm
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msguud
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Dear Alegab: Yea for you blocking the email and snapping the elastic. We think it's small steps, but it really is huge steps for us when we're hurting. Think how much power you just gave yourself! I'm happy you did that. Let me know tomorrow how you're doing. I'm rooting for you.

Hurts, same words to you. It's been 15 days for me not hearing from him. Yeah, it still hurts a lot. But if he truly cared, he'd call, so time for me to wake up and smell the coffee even if it does smell like shit. Keep trying luv - it will get better.

Sunshyn - your guy sounds like a big fat liar and you should check into everything now. God, I hate liars! You should also do some reading on codependency. It helped me. Start a thread on here for your problem too. Take care for now...

February 2, 2005
9:16 am
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lilacwine05
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Hi everyone

It's been a few days and I have slipped in a major way; I agreed to see him and he wants to go to counselling but is in the not promising anything mode; just want to see if there is a relationship to salvage. Anyways we were talking and then we hugged and I kind of asked him to stay; maybe a bit out of lonlieness and familiarity but feel really confused by it all. He wants to see me next week and said he will go to counsellor so that's a positive step that I haven't had from him before.
I will still move out of the apartment in the next 2 weeks and have seen a nice one but I think I have just thrown myself back into limbo land because I couldn't be strong.
He was saying stuff to me like; I don't deserve you and; look out for yourself a bit more etc...so it's like he is telling me not to have any faith in him.....yet I brought this on myself.
I think I must be a relationship addict?
I think I need some serious help.
so so confused.

February 2, 2005
9:22 am
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msguud
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Dear lilac (my fav flower) - sounds like the same crap I was getting from my ex: I don't deserve you, what do you want with an old trucker like me. Blah-blah-blah. But you keep thinking and hoping it's salvageable, so you try harder. Love shouldn't be so damn much work. I was constantly hustling around trying to make him happy and, of course, forgot about myself. Then when the shoe drops, you wonder what the hell happened. I hope counselling works for both of you, but he needs the work more than you it sounds like. Take my advice: don't spend a lot of time doing that if you don't see any progress in him. I had an 11-year relationship that was up and down with counselling and looking back it sure wasn't worth it. I wish you luck, tho. See what happens.

February 2, 2005
9:46 am
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lilacwine05
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thanks msguud....I guess i have reopened this door and that's all I can do. My family will think I'm the biggest idiot though;and all of my friends. so the slower i go with anything and truely listed to my heart the better.
Ive got this terrible feeling that I might be doing the wrong thing; and your right love shouldn't be this much work but I kind of feel if you think someone is worth it you think they are worth the effort.....although this last month he has really shown me his awful side and I'm stuck now; feeling like I am a bit null and void....I don't feel sick for having slept with him....I almost don't feel anything....and that scares me even more....I just feel a bit fat nothing!

February 2, 2005
11:36 am
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msguud
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Dear Lilac: I tried and tried and tried, too, because I thought the effort would pay off, to no avail. He was able to walk away after a year of being treated like a king without another word (16 days now). So I believe if he truly loved me like he said he did, then he would have called by now. I'm tired of making the effort and if he doesn't contact me again, then he sure didn't have the balls to (a) be strong enough to be my man, and (b) live up to anything he said he was gonna do. He's not willing to make any efforts for the relationship. We always are, and they never are. They just want the good and don't want to do any work. Which all tells me he just doesn't care at all. So yeah, I'm hurt, but I keep remembering how I got over guys in the past and eventually I will get over this loser. (Big talker - I'm still sad). Anyway, keep it together girl. At least we have each other!

Have a good day - I'm gonna try to.

February 3, 2005
7:39 am
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I know what u mean. I treated my guy like a king...gave him sex whenever he wanted it...I rarely got it when I wanted it. Made him suppers and dished it all up for him. Spent all my free time with him...of course he was allowed out with the guys whenever he wanted it.
A doormat..is what I don't want to be anymore. I'm still numb. He broke up with me last night, then called after he got home to tell me he wasn't leaving until tomorrow. I asked if he would come over..he asked to what ends? But why tell me he wasn't leaving until the next day when he had no intentions of seeing me again?? sorry for rambling,,need to vent.

February 3, 2005
8:46 am
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msguud
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Dear Hartless - don't even bother trying to figure out what he meant. I tried that so many times and it drove me crazy. I figured the reason he told me stuff like that was to keep me on the hook, that's all. Just to give you that little tiny bit of hope that it wasn't over. I pissed around with that stuff every one of the five times he left in the year-long relationship we had. I was just too "needy" to see what was happening. Don't let it happen to you if you want to keep whatever little self-respect you have left.

Try to pack his things up for him so he can get out of there quicker. Have it ready for him so he knows you don't care (even tho you probably do). It's a good shock to them. Anyway, I won't play that game anymore. He walked out on me for the last time on Jan 17 and I haven't heard from him since. He is waiting for me to call him, but "news flash", I"m not going to. I'm too damn hurt this time and I won't be hurt like that again.

Read the book Co-dependent no more. It sure helped me to see what I was doing. We don't have to be their doormats. Take care of you.

February 3, 2005
9:26 am
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Hi MS- Thanks for posting your support. That rubber band thing is making marks on my wrist. Imagine the marks that THING has made on my emotional being!!!! I am feeling weird. Although I am still talking to him on the phone (he calls) it feel different. I think i am acting passive agressive, non emotional I am not quite sure how to label it. It just feels different. He on the other hand is clinggy. He turned to plan B (me) he told me he has been hassled by his wife, so i guess i am the other option right now. When things resume to be OK with her, then he won't need me anymore. I certainly know I don't need him. The two baby steps i've taken so far, are still working. Blocked him from sending me e-mail (if he tries the message will say, this person is not accepting mail from you) and the second thing i blocked him from seeing me on line. I am CERTAIN he comes on line, he changed his screen name. I really don't care. I guess I am not ready to END IT ALL TOGETHER YET. I feel like I am really close. God willing my misery will end soon. Not that long ago he told me "i am responsible for your misery", he was referring to my marriage. He didn't even have a clue that he is my biggest misery. He keeps oscilating between it is my fault to i am not responsible for anything. I guess its how it benefits him for the day.

Thank you for being encouraging and supportive.

Love and Hugs
Alegab

February 3, 2005
9:32 am
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Alegab
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Hi Hurts: How are you doing? Even though you can't believe it right now, it will get easier. I hope you are taking care of YOURSELF. That is the important thing. IT IS HIS LOSS. You will meet the right person, give it time to heal from this relationship.

They say in SLAA that one must be alone for a while (at least a year, its different for everyone) to get to know ourselves. Our wants, our needs and to be comfortable with ourselves so that we can be clear and focused before we get into another relationship. I know its not easy to do. Most of us want to be in a relationship. The BIG difference is choosing a HEALTHY one where there is give and take, nurturing, caring and self respect.

As i write this I am trying to let this stick in my head. Boy do I need to be clear on that.

I hope you have a great day and keep me posted on how you are doing.

Love and Hugs
Alegab

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