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Anyone available to give a reality check? ....Hurts_so_bad
January 26, 2005
1:07 pm
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starryslp
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Alegab...for today, don't contact him.

Join our no contact Wednesday club.

Make him wonder why you aren't calling.

These kind of guys feed on our being upset...just at least for today, don't give into his game...

Keep posting here...we are here for you!

January 26, 2005
1:57 pm
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Alegab
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Star- Unfortunately i already spoke to him and i let him ruined my day. I am shaking right now. Can't even talk straight.

Will talk later.

Alegab

January 26, 2005
2:26 pm
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Please post when you can Alegab.

We are here for you!

January 26, 2005
2:31 pm
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Hi Alegab: He's not even pretending to pretend- what an ass. "I can't promise you anything?" Aargh- not true. He can promise to use you, take from you, play with you, manipulate you, squeeze you in when convenient for him, and lie to you. Did I miss anything? Sounds like his wife is tightening his leash too- she's no dummy. Hang in there. Let him go to Paris- good riddence. SD

January 26, 2005
2:34 pm
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on my way
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dmurphy...words of absolute GOLD. thank you...I needed to hear this as well.
Hurts, this is good advice and this is what is happening to you. Listen to your heart...you know waht is best for you right now. No more contact...no more second option, no more, not being able to make up his mind. We will do this together, ok?As I have come a year 1/2 ago, but there is residue for me to an extent.

January 26, 2005
3:44 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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On My Way,

Yes, we will do it together. dmurphy makes a lot of sense.

I've survived this morning rather well. Now I'm getting a bit tired because of all the emotional crap I went through last nite, so naturally, it's getting a bit harder NOT to type his email address.....but I am sooooo determined not to do it again. This is my only chance to get away from him. I will NEVER give him the chance not to respond to my email again. Now it's his turn.

Thanks for having been there for me, especially the last few days. I was such a wreck. I know I'll need help to keep from contacting him, and it feels good to know that I can come here and I will find support. Thank you so much. 🙂

January 26, 2005
4:29 pm
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lilacwine05
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Hi guys well I made it yesterday with no contact so wish me luck today at work. I'm nervous there will be an email from him about our apartment....he was supposed to come on tuesday to get his stuff but it's all still here so that's hanging over my head at the moment.

Alejab....that's exactly what my ex was saying up until a week ago; "I know I love you but I just can't be sure and I can't promise you that things will get better or work out"

It's just their way of keeping us hanging until they feel emotionally strong enough to drop us like a hot pototato because they have someone else to stroke their ego and make them feel like a "big man"

Good luck everyone with the no contact....I'll be thinking of you!

p.s we just have to beleive we deserve better than this and keep telling ourselves that! (although it's hard when you've hit rock bottom I know)

January 26, 2005
6:09 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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I agree lilacwine. My work day is almost over and I have not contacted him, although several I wanted to hit that email key and type in his address. but the important part is - I didn't.

I plan on going home tonite, fix myself a nice small dinner and relax....light a few candles and curl up with a book and of course check out this site before I go to bed.

I still feel ok.....but I have to admit I have to WORK at keeping him out of my head right now. I just hope I'll be able to sleep tonite....then I'm sure things will look better tomorrow.

January 26, 2005
9:09 pm
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Alegab
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Hi everyone- I AM IN VERY BAD SHAPE. I'VE BEEN CRYING SINCE THIS AFTERNOON AND CAN'T SEEM TO STOP.

Please be bare with me and be patient with me. please read what happened to me today. I need to hear the truth from people who really care about me. Reality really hit me once again and i've been beating myself all day with a baseball bat, hating myself, wanting to end my life because i can't handle the pain from someone who is so so selfish, very sick, so narcisstic, I don't even know what to call him anymore.
I was able to write out all that happened, almost word for word so that I can read it over and over and have it memorized when i am tempted to talk to him or have any sort of contact with him.

Today i had a few things lined up that would keep me busy including doing an aerobics tape. It felt good.

It was almost 12 noon and I had not heard from him. Since he always calls me today i decided to call him, since up to yesterday he seemed so down, i thought i'd do the right thing and call him to see how he was.

He answered the phone on the first ring with out saying Dr. ---- expecting a business call. He just said hello like he knew who was calling. He does that to me when he calls me on my cell and i call him right back on my regular phone not to use up my minutes. He answers right away and says hello. That made me suspiscious and I asked, who were you expecting to call, you answered right away. He said, no one, i guess i didn't realize i answered that way. I asked how he felt today and he said still kind of out of it. He said, you would believe what happened to me last night on the way home. I asked what and he said he hit a pothole and blew two tires on his BMW. He couldn't call for help because he doesn't have a cell phone. He uses a phone card to call. He had to wait for someone to come and he didn't call his wife till he got to the garage. He said he got home around 8 pm.and his wife was mad, even though he called her.

Once again i asked him what was wrong, i said i am very perceptive and i sense that there was something he wanted to tell me and he wasn't doing it. At first he hesitated and then he started talking. He said he was thinking about the RAGE i had towards him last week and that he is upset about it. He said if you feel all that you said, why do you still want to be with me? I said I told you why. In matters of the heart its is very difficult to let go and I also feel that I am not strong enough to let you go yet. That doesn't mean that I will never let you got, I cannot promis you that. He said I have never promise promised you anything. He said I am afraid that you might be in fantasy and expect something. I said I told you that I am no longer in fantasy a long time ago. Yes in the beginning I did fantisize and thought that mabye things would change and we might have an opportunity to have a relationship. I have changed. I must be grounded. You told me I think too much and I look into things too much. I said if i don't do that i would be fooling myself and having hopes of something. He said I don't want to lead you on. I said the most horrible thing you did to me among many was was when you told me "give me a legitimate reason for you wanting my home telephone number." I said that was like you gave me a beating. I told him after this all happened that I wasn't as stupid as he thought, I got his number from information but he shouldn't fret I would never call. He said I hope you don't keep my # by your night table. I said are you crazy. I said again, have no fear I can guarantee you that I would never ever call your home. He said i know that.

I told him there must be a reason why his wife is so much on top of him. I asked him if he was afraid of her. He said no. I have a feeling that your wife caught you with the other woman (he had an affair for 4 years). He said never. He said his wife was either in denial or didn't want to see. He said, just like your husband. I said your wife is a very smart woman she might suspect and be in denial but you know what?, she might be the one who says "screw it", I might not have him totally but if i leave him i might have too much to loose. She is not stupid. I said the one to loose is always the lover. The wife is certain of that. He said you might be right. Again i said if you were really unhappy with your situation you would have leftt a long time ago. If you didn't leave your wife for the other woman who you supposedly cared for very much you will not leave her for anyone. I said you are committed to your wife and your wife only. I said you have things in common, you have her companionship, you are going to Paris together on a romantic trip. He said no way. I said yeah right, you would like me to believe that you go separate ways when you travel. He said no, but it is not romantic. I said where am I in this. Forget about a trip, I cannot even have a night together with you. You promised me and said "don't worry we will have our night together. I said never mind having a night together, i am not able to call you unless its during your working hours, i am not able to see you (only when you decide). I cannot have anything. You control and run the whole show. I told him when i confronted you last week and i directly asked you "if you claim you are not getting what you need from her are you willing to leave her (not necessarily for me) you answered me "no I can live without was is missing". Another words i interpreted that to mean I don't need you I can dispose of oof you. I also asked him, if you can only see me when you can get away, when she is out, or when you have a legit reason to get out. Another words you see me when its good for you. YOU ANSWERED YES. You had said thes things before but i didn't want to hear it and you were always vague and never as direct as this. I told him that I am very happy when i am with him but its the reality of him going gome to his wife, being there for her, doing things together etc. that makes me feel bad and i get upset. He said something to the effect that what happened last week (i lost it and was in a rage) will happen again. I said more than probably yes. I started to cry and said i am so happy when you are affectionate with me, caring, soothing etc. I cannot possibly believe that you fake it. He said of course not. He said I just cannot make you hurt. I said to him if you want to end it, i will do it even if i have to climb the walls. He said no, that is not what i want. I empowered him to make the decision, instead of me making the decision. Remember i was testing him and asked him to send me on a trip and for him to pay for it? I told him that that was all BS. I would never ever ask anyone including family for such a thing. He said I don't know where that came from. I told him I came from a poor family and i have been working since i am 15 to provide for myself.

I said, remember when i told you a few days ago that i constantly think about you, i didn't mean it literally, i meant that i think of you often you said that is not healthy. When you wrote to me a few weeks ago in big black letters "i am constantly thinking of you it was either a lie or you didn't mean it.How can i forget what you told me once, "i never promised to see you, i said i will try. I told you that when i see you its almost like a fix and then i feel bad again. You questioned me, you said i am a fix for you? I told you mabye this is an addiction, you asked what i meant by that, i said mab ye we are both addicted to each other. Bare in mind that he does not know that i am a LOVE ADDICT. I mentioned to him that he recently told me that he had been in therapy alone and with her. I asked him if when it was with her, was it for matirla problems. He said yes. I asked him fi it helped, he said for a while. I told him that it was the same for me. I said you are not availab le to me in any shape or form. Again he asked why are you with me. Again i gave you you my reasons. I said I don't want you for sex. He said me either. I said having sex is the ultimate thing when two people really care about each other. I said at least i feel that way. I dont think he answered me on that. We spoke quite a long time. I told him believe me I have had plenty plenty of opportunities to be with other men. He said, i don't doubt that. I said, i was always afraid to get into anything with anyone because i thought they were only interested in getting in my pants. I took a chance with you. I really don't know why. He said he had to go and return some phone calls. I said how much time do you have for next week. He had to think. He said i guess until around 9 pm. I said i can't wait (what a f..... fool i was). I said wow, that's great. I said i can't wait to see you. He said me too. As i was ready to hang up he said thank you for the call. I said you don't have to thank me . He said I thank you for thinking of me. So i said, kissie and a big hug. He said thank you but didn't repeat it back to me. He said what is it now? I said i would like to hear it from you. He said ok and he said it. He said i would rather do it in person. BS
He then said it back to me. I said thank you for the favor. I asked him if he would call later, he said i don't know, if i don't i will speak to you tomorrow.

I had to write this before forgetting what really was said. This is almost word for word of what he said. I have a great suspicion that he has someone in the background but doesn't want to let me go in case it doesn't work out. He has been different since he came back from his winter vacation. He did call me from his vacation, big s----. Just to let me think he was thinking of me.

Oh God I am going out of my mind thinking how can i possibly let this man treat me this way. Why is he being so cruel, selfish, narcissistic. He is a psychologist i keep saying he can't do this to me. The truth is that he is just human. He has to be mentally unstable. I am sicker than him. There are some days i can be so strong and not let him get to me. I wish he had the b---s
to be a man and say lets end it. He would do me a great favor. Why the hell does he say all these things and then continue calling me?

Intellectually i know him inside out and i know his motives. Because of my marital problems and everything else going on in my life i let him give me the crumbs and leftovers.

I can't take this much longer. I would like to be revengeful in some way and hurt him like he hurt me. I don't know what though. The only thing i can think of is to call his wife and tell her, not that he is having an affair with me but to keep an eye out for him because he is cheating on her again. I can't get myself to do such a thing. I know it would distroy me if it was done to me. I MUST LET GO. I CAN'T GO THROUGH THIS AGONY ANYMORE.

I am sorry i am not responding to your posts tonight. I would not be of any kind of help.

Please, please respond to me, i need to hear that he is an SOB over and over. Don't get me wrong i take responsibility for what i have done. He refuses to and puts it on me. He pretends to be concerned. If he was truely concerned he'd let me go.

I AM SORRY FOR GOING ON AND ON. I HOPE I MADE SOME SENSE OF EVERYTHING I SAID. I HAD TO VENT OR ELSE I FEEL LIKE I MIGHT DO SOMETHING CRAZY.

With all my love lots and lots of hugs.

Alegab

January 26, 2005
9:16 pm
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Phalic_Liberator
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You're not in trouble Alegab but is this a relationship that started as a result of therapy with this Psychologist? I just want clarification.

Thank you,

PL

January 26, 2005
10:47 pm
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Alegab
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Phalic: No, i didn't mean it that way. By profession he is a psychologist. He is a psychologist in a HS and deals with kids.

The relationship started by him approaching me in a chat room.

I have posted on another site where you might get more of an idea of what this is about. Feeling down and Anxious, anyone here to talk?
Alegab

Thank you.

January 27, 2005
12:51 am
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Alegab,

I can feel your pain and I am so sorry. But I think you need to break away from this guy even if you're in pain for awhile. This guy sounds like a big time user of women. You deserve so much better. He is taking advantage of you because you're so vulnerable with an unhappy marriage, possible love addict...who knows what he's thinking, but one thing I'm sure of - he's only thinking about himself and NOT YOU!!!

You know from my posts that I have allowed my ex to keep stringing me along and it kills me to think of him with his other lady friend. But when I do start to think about him in a loving way, I try and force myself to replay the conversation in my head that we had last nite. And then I get mad.

As a matter of fact I am planning my revenge of sorts. When he does finally write again (and he will), I will wait 1 or 2 weeks before I reply and then when I finally do it'll be short and sweet as follows:

What is the point of writing? There are a couple of major things wrong here:
1) you're not sure when you'll see me or if
2) I can't call your house
3) You avoid answering any hard questions about us
4) You are obviously preferring to see the "other lady"
5) I will not be your Plan B

Therefore, we have no relationship and it is your loss - I was the best choice for you.

The above is what I am planning to send to him....but only AFTER he writes me first AND I make him wait for a week or two.

I realize it's not going to bother him for long....but it does have shock value - I'm sure he'll be shocked that I would write an email not pining after him. He deserves it!

January 27, 2005
7:02 am
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Hi Alejab....I hope you are feeling OK! Your better than crumbs and leftovers....I say baloney to that! I know you sound like you are blaming yourself and saying your'e sicker than him but he definately knows you are vunerable right now and is playing with that....what's up with that....that's just not on!! There is always two sides to everything but in all fairness he is just being cruel right now - please don't beat yourself up!

I hope that time gives us all a bit of clarity here; everyone deserves to be treated with RESPECT! Why is it the one's we love can get to us the most in that regard.

Well guys it was so much for no contact day for me today; I got an email from him asking to get some of his stuff and I said sure because I knew I would be out...he then sent me an email saying that he misses me and would really like to talk to me about it but would understand if I didn't want to talk to him....I called him to tell him I was going out and he didnt mention anything.....ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN CHEAP EMAILS I SAY!! Full of bull....it was still enough to throw me though; what a jerk!

January 27, 2005
7:12 am
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lilacwine05
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p.s just on that topic of revenge although I would never send one of these ecards they are kind of funny

have a look at http://www.manhaters.com

(the catchline is we don't hate all men only the jerks!)

I also don't hate men by the way; just am hurt by my ex....I'm lucky I have 3 lovely well adjusted;kind brothers who are nice to their girlfriends....they give me faith in all the good men who are out there
xxx

January 28, 2005
12:29 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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Two days with no contact and I'm going crazy.

I was feeling so strong yesterday and now, tonite, I really have to force myself not to write.

After the shabby way he treated me on the phone the other day, and after getting so angry at him.....why am I sitting here now wishing I'd hear from him?

I feel like I'm taking a step backwards once again. I am so angry that I actually shouted out loud: "God why aer you doing this to me? If my ex isn't in your plan for me, please, please take the memories of him away. I'm so tired of hurting".

I just don't understand I guess. The bible says "ask and you shall receive"....apparently God doesn't have my ex in my future......but why then am I going through such pain and why can't I let go?. I don't get it.

Okay, I'm getting too crazy here.....now I'm expecting God to win my ex over......and I'm getting mad at God for not granting me my wish.

This is silly. I'm a grown woman.....I have to find the way to let go of this jerk quick. It's affecting too many areas of my life now.

January 28, 2005
5:36 am
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Hurts,

Got your message. Thanks.

The Bible does say ask and you shall receive, and something is happening. It just may not be what you are wanting. Ever hear "Some of God's Greatest Gifts are Unanswered Prayers" by Garth Brooks? If not let me know and I'll put up the lyrics. Maybe there is someone better down the road; but you gotta let go of what's his name first. You have to get up and move on; get thru this and work on healing yourself. Then Mr. Right will be able to come along. Otherwise you are stuck right here in this cycle. What do you want to do?

January 28, 2005
12:47 pm
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hey mama - that is just what I needed to hear. To let go of the bad person so the good can come in our life. I'm fighting to let go...... day 10 with no contact... still hurting tho, but look forward to the day when I can say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! Thanks for your good advice.

Come on Hurts - we can do it together! Let's try harder to let go.........

January 28, 2005
1:48 pm
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mamacinnamon,

Thank you for posting. Would you pull up the lyrics of the song? I do so want to let go and give Mr. Right a chance to come along. I know he won't until I'm over this. I won't let myself get emotionally involved with anyone because I miss "him" so bad.

msguud,

I'm willing to keep trying. I just get so discouraged. I promise to try harder....just keep sending me posts and keep pushing me. I'll do the same for you 🙂 Thanks!

January 28, 2005
4:03 pm
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Hi Hurts.....well curiosity killed the cat! I was stupid enought to send him an email asking him why he is telling me he misses me now after all the crap he has put me through.

he is so selfish; he said:
"well it's just how it is; and I can't imgagine any other girl in my future and I can't change the past or what's happened; but I just need to understand why you feel the way you do towards me so I can get some answer in my head!!"

What a joker! Oh so he needs some closure on my I would think he is such a grade-a jerk right now after everything he's done; but oh he thinks he can just give me some throw away line and I'll come running back - does he think I have no dignity left??

It's my own stupid fault for opening the lines of contact. I should have stayed stronger.....I am the only one to blame here!

January 28, 2005
4:50 pm
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Unanswered Prayers Written by: Pat Alger, Larry Bastian, Garth Brooks

Just the other night a hometown football game My wife nd I ran into my old high school flame And as I introduced them the past came back to me And I couldn't help but think of the way things used to be

She was the one that I'd wanted for all times And each night I'd spend prayin' that God would make her mine And if he'd only grant me this wish I wished back then I'd never ask for anything again

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs That just because he doesn't answer doesn't mean he don't care Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

She wasn't quite the angel that I remembered in my dreams And I could tell that time had changed me Inn her eyes too it seemed We tried to talk about the old days There wasn't much we could recall I guess the Lord knows what he's doin' after all

And as she walked away and I looked at my wife And then and there I thanked the good Lord For the gifts in my life

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers Remember when you're talkin' to the man upstairs That just because he may not answer doesn't mean he don't care Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

Some of God's greatest gifts are all too often unanswered... Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers

January 28, 2005
5:17 pm
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Thanks mama....

Those are lyrics that I will print and read whenever I get weak.

January 28, 2005
5:19 pm
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lilacwine05,

don't be down on yourself....this incident may just reinforce your will not to contact him again.

I'm the same way. I know he's not serious about me, otherwise he would see me and not play these stupid flirty games with me. But - I still miss him and I want to write him so bad, but I'm fighting real hard not to.

Hang in there and remember ---- THESE GUYS ARE TOXIC TO US.....NO CONTACT! 🙂

January 28, 2005
6:16 pm
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Hi Hurts....thanks lovely! at least here I feel like I can say what I'm really feeling....my family just gets angry with me right now because they can't understand why I can't just write him off easily after everything that's happened they say that should make it even easier....it's not!

They are toxic! I agree...that's why I feel like I can't breathe when I talk to him...he can just get under my skin so bad...yet I still care for him so much and feel so betrayed.

I'm sure you feel the same.....I'll stay strong and here's sending some positive energy that all of you do the same.

off to my concert now....gonna jump up and down and sing and dance and have FUN!! woohooo....hehehe

love to you all

Lilacwine xxx

January 28, 2005
9:32 pm
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on my way
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Hi Hurts, sounds like you are working through this with much support from here, how is it going today?

January 28, 2005
11:18 pm
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dmurphy--

Thanks much for the man's POV. I needed to hear that. It took lots of courage to write it here..

Rock

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