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Anyone available to give a reality check? ....Hurts_so_bad
January 25, 2005
12:26 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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I will ask him, but I have a feeling I'll be needing major support after our talk.

He send me an email this morning in response to mine (I inquired about his toothache...he's scheduled for a root canal tomorrow) and he wrote back saying he was going to meet with some clients today and that he missed me and he'll talk to me later.

Would he miss me if we didn't want us to have another chance? God I hate being this insecure. I overanalyze everything.

January 25, 2005
12:42 pm
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on my way
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This is what you need to take responsibility for yourself for. Ask your questions, do not be so concernd of what he will think about your questions. The analyzation comes in when you don't know the answers, and you cannot possible figure this out. If it is too painful for you, tell him to take a hike. It is not worth it, trust me!!! But if you trust him and can talk to him...it is about BOTH of you, not just you, or not just him, but both of you. Ask what you need to ask, you can't keep wondering, so take care of you in this sense.

January 25, 2005
1:02 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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On My Way,

Of course you're right and I know that. I was thinking about asking him to come see me for a weekend. That way we could really talk about issues and it would mean so much more than over the phone. Body language, the look in ones eyes. I think that maybe that would provide better closure for me (if we decided we couldn't try again). Last time we broke up it was over the phone.....and I still don't have closure. There's a lot to be said for handling issues like this in person. Of course, if he's not willing to come see me...well, that will also tell me he's not serious about me. What do you think?

January 25, 2005
1:28 pm
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on my way
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You don't need my approval to do this, can you see how you were asking for that. It is what you want, what you need. Maybe you just need to be encourgaged to do what you need to do for yourself. It is up to you. Venture out, take a step, take a chance, feel the fear, ignore the fear, it is all part of either having what you want or letting it go. And PRAY. But let me know how it goes. It will work out the way it is supposed too.

January 25, 2005
1:45 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Low self-esteem. That's always been a big problem for me. How do you distinguish between asking someone's opinion and asking for permission?

I'm going to let him steer the conversation. I will ask him to come see me, but I want to draw him out a bit first and see where he takes the conversation....casual or if he actually wants to discuss our relationship. Obviously it would be more encouraging if he initiated that conversation, but if not, I'll wait until I see him and then I plan on letting all out.

January 25, 2005
2:03 pm
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on my way
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Asking someone's opinion. Example:
What do you want from this relationship? This is what I see happening, and I am interested to know if you have anything to add.
Asking permission: Example:
Do you want this relationship? I want it if you do. Do you think we can work it out?

Hurts, I think if you were not afraid to speak your mind in so far as, letting him know somehow, that you can love yourself and him at the same time, it might work. Not that you TELL him that , but that you learn to communicate that way. His alcoholic wife probably could not love herself and maybe expected him to do it all...and this is way too much responsibility for one person...shich is why I think he does not want to remove you from your family because he may think you are too needy in that sense. Does this make sense? HOWEVER, the other thing is this: If this is something that you can try to learn about, to make the relationship work(IF I am right, and I don't know that I am, only speaking from personal experience) it make take time. You can't stress over something you haven'tlearned yet..if this makes sense. Hard to explain, but hope you get it.

January 25, 2005
2:18 pm
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kathygy
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Think clearly about what YOU want before you talk to him. Ask him for what you want. Be honest and direct as possible. Remember the reasons you broke up. Has anything changed? You have the right to stand up for yourself. If you let him run the conversation you are giving your power away and he will know it. Hold on to your power and he will respect you for it.

January 25, 2005
2:36 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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On My Way and Kathygy,

I think I understand what you're trying to explain On My Way. I am needy in some things - I can see that. But to be honest, right now, if he asked me, I would pack up and move North to be with him - without any hesitation.

Kathygy,

Other than he wasn't ready for that type of commitment is the only reason he gave me when we broke up. And therefore he didn't feel right to ask me to leave behind my family and career.

So, I've made an executive decision (lol)...I will ask him to come see me and if the answer is no, or I'll see, whatever - I will tell him what I want out of this relationship and why I think it would work tonite. Then whatever his reaction is.....that's what it is and I'll have to go from there.

Right now, I can't concentrate on anything but him......hoping he won't disappoint me and not call - but I'm telling you, if he doesn't call I WILL. Hoping that he'll see things my way.....

January 25, 2005
2:48 pm
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on my way
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Just talk, don't demand. This is an exchange of ideas, not a debate, ok?

January 25, 2005
2:50 pm
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Hurts, read sc13 reply on the thread Anti-D's: zoloft ...says it all right there, may be helpful as well. Good luck tonight!!

January 25, 2005
3:21 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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On My Way,

Thanks for all your advice. I will not demand 🙂

I read the thread from SC13....boy that certainly describes me to a tee. My moods have ALWAYS depended on how my partner was feeling. I know I shouldn't let other people's feelings affect me the way they do, but it's hard. I even act like that towards my daughter's mood. I always want to fix her problems and if I can't it gets me depressed to.

I'll write tonite after my talk and let you know how it went.....

January 25, 2005
4:00 pm
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on my way
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I know, me too. May not be able to check threads until tomorrow morning, but hope all goes well.

January 25, 2005
10:45 pm
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Well he called and things went the way I thought they would...NOWHERE!

He misses me, but he's not sure if he's gonna come visit me. I should be patient. When I pressed him as to why he won't come see me....he said he didn't know. I asked him how he could miss me, yet not be sure he'll come visit. He said he didn't know....So I was getting a bit upset because he was obviously avoiding a straight answer - so I said "you're basically saying you miss me, but you're not sure if you want to see me"....and he said "something like that". I asked if it would complicate things and he said "maybe".

Bottom line is he's still seeing his lady friend a lot and she's at his house alot so he doesn't even want me to call him at home....he will call me again. What kind of crap is that????

My first reaction was to sit down at the computer and write him yet another nasty email. But then I thought "NO". I think it's best if I just fade out. If he emails, I'll just ignore it. I won't take any calls (not that I'm expecting one any time soon). I have to admit, after he told me he didn't want me calling at nite, I got a little pissed and simply said that then he should make sure not to answer his cell at nite. I can't believe he writes all this crap about missing me, how sexy I am, yada, yada, yada and then he won't even see me and obviously he's not being honest with his lady friend. This really sucks. I knew this would happen. I'm so angry I can't even cry right now.

Somebody tell me not to go postal and write him the nastiest note. Maybe I'll send him perfumed cards to his house.....or maybe a delivery of hearts or something.....that would fix his wagon. Arrrrrrrrrgghhhhh

January 25, 2005
11:49 pm
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Hurts...I am sorry this is what you are going through.

And everyone can tell you until they are blue in the face that he is a jerk and you should just move on...but until you believe it, you won't move on.

I just pray that you figure it out soon, before he keeps hurting you.
He obviously isn't ready to be with just you, and do you really want him part time???

Think about how you feel now everytime you want to call or email him. Don't let him make you feel this way again!!!

We are here for you

January 25, 2005
11:51 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Thank you starryslp. I am hurting so badly right now. I need all of you to keep encouraging me to let go. I know I'm a pain in the butt because I'm taking so long to truly believe in what I have to do, but I so appreciate everyone's patience. I feel like God has forsaken me once again.

January 26, 2005
1:46 am
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lilacwine05
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Hi hurts so bad, I'm new here but I've been reading your story and it sounds very much like how I feel at the moment.
I have been finding it extremely hard to let go and have also been strung along by my ex-fiance who also works in the same company as me....I had the added pleasure of witnessing him kiss two different girls in front of me at a work party; only the night after he told me he had been hoping things between us would work out (a month after we had split) and that he would go to counselling and that I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with....but he did exactly what your ex is doing.....cancelled our arranged meetups because something would come up....I finally told him to put me out of my misery and he said he felt that he needed to be a man and admit that he thought I loved him the way he deserved to be loved. Which is a joke because I would have done anything to get our relationship back on track....he was a pot addicted man who didn't want to grow up.

the thing that sounds so familiar from what you have been writing is he still calls me "honey" and all that and I am doing the same as you....obsessing about what that means.

But I was just so angry that he could be so cruel to carry on like that in front of me and my workmates; knowing what my feelings were for him.

then....wait for this he calls me the next day to see if I want a ride home from the conference like nothing had happened?! I was livid.

I went to see a counsellor who told me to cut contact which is what I've done but I'm pining for him now...even after everything he has said and done. (we slept together twice during the seperation and a week after we were together he told me he let some random girl give him a blow job who he met while sharing a taxi...a week after telling me he wanted thing to work out with us!!)

I feel so lost and really am finding it hard to let go....I feel lonely and alone and he hasn't called since I told him I didn't think it was healthy for me to see him. But I find myself looking at my phone, thinking about texting him or calling him....I feel like Im going crazy.

So Hurts so Bad.....I'm right here with you.....I hear you! I hope your'e ok!

January 26, 2005
7:55 am
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Hi both of you...and Hurts you are not a pain. I would never have recovered without this site and the support here...that is why we are here, to help and be helped.

I so know the lonely feelings, I so know how it feel to miss him, and how you can feel like you are going crazy..but your not.

The mixed signals these guys send are a sign that maybe they are a bit crazy!! Lets just try taking things 1 step at a time.

Lets just, for today, not contact these guys...and I promise I will do the same with my ex.
What do you say girls...no emails, no calls.....at least for today..can you promise me that?

January 26, 2005
9:12 am
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Can I add a guy's perspective into this for a minute? I was this man before. I was married and had affairs. Always made sure that I had at least two women at the same time so I knew I would not be alone. Strung women along just in case I needed someone to fall back on. My advice is to not email, if he calls change the subject when he tries to manipulate your feelings. I WAS that man and now my current wife has left me. I am the one who did this to us. I am the reason she lost faith and trust in me. As a man I can tell you the guy is not worth what you are going through. I was that man and I was not worth what I put so many women through. Because of the man that I was, I have lost the only woman I have ever loved. If he really does want to be with you force him to change. You do not deserve to be his second option. If you are to be together you need to be the ONLY option he chooses. He is using you. I was a user just like he is. I may not know everything but I can tell you that he will NEVER change unless he loses everything. I have lost everything and now I can see inside myself and know that I should have done many things differently.

January 26, 2005
9:40 am
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Hi- It is like a merry go round or a roller coaster dealing with things of the heart and emotions.

I am sorry to say (and of course this definitely applies to me) this is NOT ABOUT THEM. They are ok in controlling, pulling the strings, keeping us hooked, giving us double messages, telling us what we want to hear and on and on and on. We are the ones that keep getting hurt, hoping, expecting, wanting/needing to be cared for, loved, respected, shown affection etc. WE NEED TO GET OURSELVES TOGETHER. It is not an easy thing to do. Especially when they pull you back in and tell us what we want to hear even the calling us by an affectionate name "honey, sweetie, baby" makes us think that they are with us. ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS. If they are not willing they are not willing. As someone else mentioned, others can talk to us and advice us till they turn blue in the face. We intelectually understand what they are saying but we don't take action because WE ARE NOT READY. As with any addiction they say one must hit rock bottom and then we'll do something about it. Sometimes it takes some of us more time than others. I feel so close yet so far. Its like i am standing at that door, i am trying to open it but its too heavy to pull.

I entirely understand Hurt and Lila. I am going through the same exact thing. I am in an AFFAIR, he is married and I am married. The difference is that my marriage is not what it should be and I am very unhappy and so is my husband but due to financial reasons and other things we are together. J (the other person) has never made any pretense of being clear on that he will never leave his wife. bUT.....he won't give me up, he wants his cake and eat it too. I have stopped calling him, I was enraged with him last week and said everything that I had written in an anger letter (i didn't intend to send it). He was upset, he so claims, but he still won't give up. He calls every day and that keeps me hooked. Especially since I have nothing in my marriage. The little "crumbs" he throws my way. I have gotten stronger, i know that but I guess I AM STILL NOT WILLING TO LET GO. If you have read any of my threads on "Feeling very down and anxious....Anyone here to talk Alegab" you will know more of what I am talking about. I have also made a few posts on this thread.

In my case it has alot to do with my childhood and lack of self esteem. They say that people that get into toxic relationships usually have these symptoms. I certainly do.

I wish you lots of strength and BELIEVE in yourself that you are worthy of peace, serenity, loving, caring and all those good things.

Lots of Love and Hugs
Alegab

PS- Designs where are you? I haven't seen you post in a while. I hope you are well and i'd like to hear from you. Love and Hugs Alegab

January 26, 2005
10:08 am
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lilacwine, alegab, dmurphy adn starryslp - Thank you, thank you for saying what I needed to hear.

Starryslp...you're on .... to contact today with the ex.

I cried myself to sleep last nite, but this morning I feel fair....not great, but definitely better than last nite. I've been thinking about the conversation and his actions all nite - and I'm 99% sure (always a smidgen (sp) of doubt) that I will NOT respond to any email from him.

I don't know what happened to the nice guy I knew, but right now he's being totally unfair to me and especially his lady friend. Well, he's using me and being unfair to his lady friend would be more accurate.

Anyway, here's hoping that we all have a good day and NOT correspond with the jerks in our lives.

Let's check in with each other duirng the day if we can. 🙂

{{{{{{Hugs to everyone}}}}}

January 26, 2005
10:52 am
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Hi Hurts: You're sounding better today and I hope you keep to your resolve to not call. I think it is good you are thinking of his "other one". How would you feel if you were her? See! See what he is about? He's not all he's cracked up to be. With time you will realize other things about him too- that he wasn't the guy you thought he was. I hope you have a better day today. SD

Hi Alegab: How are you? You sound better too- good for you! I'm glad you have stopped calling him- hang in there! Take care, SD

January 26, 2005
12:18 pm
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HI Hurts.....I got an email from my ex...and just so you know, I didn't respond...didn't answer his questions.

How are you doing?

January 26, 2005
12:20 pm
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Murphy...thanks for your honest and insight...I think it was great advice.

Hope you are healing.

January 26, 2005
12:51 pm
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Murphy- I printed out what you wrote and will read and re read. I need some more reality check.

I just got off the phone with him and of course nothing has chaned. It was quite a conversation but you know what, he made it clear, he said "i do not want to lead you on in any way, i do not want you to read into things that are not there, i am greatly disturbed that you feel the way you do, i hurts me to see you hurt" Lots of other things. Bottom line he still does what he needs to do FOR HIM. I told him (and that was really stupid on my part, because i gave him the power) if you want me to let go I will, even if i have to climb the walls i will do it. He answered "no that's not what I want." Of course he doesn't. He wasnts his cake and eat it too. I did say "i cannot promise you that I won't get strong enough to say good bye." He said i cannot promise you anything. There is alot more that was said but right now I am so emotionally in knots that i can't think straight. When i was ready to hang up i said hugs and kisses, something that i normally say. He said thank you. I said, "why don't you say the same thing?" He said why are you doing this? I said because i'd like to hear it too. He said alright, like doing me a favor, hugs and kisses. I guess he is even afraid to say that in case i read into it. Then he fixed it by saying i rather do it in person. HE IS SO FULL OF SHIT, INTELLECTUALLY I KNOW THAT SO WELL. I AM SO MESSED UP THAT I STILL KEEP HANGING ON. TO WHAT? GETTING MYSELF SICK OVER HIS GOING TO PARIS NEXT MONTH? OH GOD.

Please keep posting I need to hear it over and over. Hopefully it will sink in once and forever.

Love and Hugs
Alegab

January 26, 2005
1:02 pm
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Alegab,

I'm so sorry. I know the pain you're experiencing right now. Nothing anyone can say will take that away overnite. Just keep trying to break it off with him. This last conversation sounded pretty clear to me....he wants his cake and eat it too. He is using you, I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. he couldn't possibly care for you the way you care for him. His actions prove that over and over again.

I'm hurting too, but everytime I think I miss him, I force myself to replay our conversation he and I had last nite and that's giving me the power (today anyway) not to write him. He obviously has no respect for me or his "other lady friend". As far as I'm concerned he can go to hell. I have given him so much love and what thanks do I get? He plays with my emotions and isn't even honest about it. He's playing me for a fool. I hope he does write again - just so I can have the pleasure NOT TO WRITE BACK!!!!!!

You hang in there Alegab and keep posting.

Starryslp.....hope you're staying strong today and not writing your ex....so far so good for me. I have resisted the urge to write. And I know he had a 7:30 a.m. dentist appointment for a root canal. he was in pain last nite. Hope it's hurting REAL bad today 🙂

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