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Anyone available to give a reality check? ....Hurts_so_bad
January 22, 2005
12:56 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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I saw my ex online today and I IM'd him and shortly thereafter he logged off without answering.

I was so pissed i wrote him an email (yeah...I know 3 days of no contact and I blew it), but I had to tell him exactly what I thought of him and how I was taking the power back. I was not going to let him decide how good or bad my days would be.

I felt really good writing it. I know I had to. I know it's for the best that he doesn't write back. But now of course I'm feeling pretty lousy. I feel like I got hit by a truck. I'm angry at myself for not being able to get over this, I'm angry at him for toying with my emotions.

If I had more guts, I think I would hop on a plane and camp on his damn door step until he was man enough to talk to me face-to-face. But reality is, of course, that would humiliate me even more, not to mention the hurt I would feel afterwards.

Is anyone here to talk?

January 22, 2005
1:05 am
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SweetAmanda
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I'm here hurts. This really sucks. I've done things like this before... With the internet it's so easy (and fast) for me to stick my foot in my mouth. I do it enough as it is.

So are you wishing that you didn't send it? Like you would have rather written it and then just not sent it... Maybe posted it on here?

January 22, 2005
1:11 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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I'm not sure. I've never been good at writing letters and NOT sending them. I know everyone advised that, but I just can't do it.

I want him to realize what he did to me. I want him to feel lousy about it. I want him to be honest with me. I want him to tell me exactly WHY he broke it off with me. I have no closure. I can't call him up and talk to him, because I know I'd start crying and we couldn't have a conversation. I just feel so sad right now.

January 22, 2005
1:19 am
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november
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hey, i have been there myself. there is nothing we can do but take care of ourselves. man it hurts too. but you venting and saying what you felt is ok, your ok in doing that. nothing is wrong in what you are feeling. but if he could feel what you are talking about it wouldn't change what he has already done, now it is up to you to choose where you want to go from here. there are a zillion choices, choose this one for you. the reality is he is more than likely way worse off than you ever thought about being. he is the needy one, you just got suckered into his need.

January 22, 2005
1:24 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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I wish I could believe that he is the needy one. But it seems to me he has moved on....at least a little. I don't know why he started up with the flirting crap again and then all of sudden, without warning, stopped writing. Could it be he's confused?

At any rate, I feel that I am the needy one....chasing after him. But I can't stop myself from trying.

January 22, 2005
1:28 am
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SweetAmanda
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Hurts_so_bad,

I'm sorry but I'll have to get back to you on this.

Lately I have been thinking about 'closure'...

I'm coming to some revelations within myself about it.

I will share them with you once I fully realize them myself.

Maybe they will help you? I don't know.

I will write it all out, brainstorm it, and get back to you tomorrow. I hope all is well until then. (Hugs)

~Amanda~

January 22, 2005
1:30 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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Thanks Amanda 🙂

Sleep well and I'll look forward to your post tomorrow.

{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}

January 22, 2005
1:57 am
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Phalic_Liberator
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Yeah. You're in reality. It will pass. It's only been three days. Sorry. I wish I could say I hadn't been on both sides of this but I have.

He was being either careless or sadistic in his flirtation with you. He probably thought it would make you feel better about yourself. Ironic; isn't it?

It will be okay. You're not the first person to go through a bad break-up. What you're feeling is normal too. It's an unfortunate by-product of evolution.

Humans instinctively respond to loss this way because if we didn't many more of us would be either dead or not properly cared for. It's painful but it's also part of our nature.

Chocolate is your friend. Realize there are people who are worse off than you. There is a man in California who just lost his wife and daughters in a mudslide. If you're faithful you might try praying for him.

It won't take away from your pain to know this. It might make it more bearable, though, to focus on those you can help and if you can't help them, pray for them. Praying for others has gotten me through a lot of tough times.

January 22, 2005
9:05 am
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Alegab
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Hurts- I wish i could comfort you someway somehow. I know the pain you are going through. Unfortunately the "we wants" from other people we can't always have. Of course it would make everything much easier if he was honest and told you were you stand with all this. He is only going to do what is good for him. YOU MUST TRY to take care of what is good for you and within your control.

Boy--- it is not easy by any means. Its like grieving the death of someone. It takes a long time to get over. Don't beat yourself up because you made contact with him after three days. Done. Now what do you want to do? Remember we cannot make another person what we want them to do. We can only take care of ourselves. Easier said than done right? As you might have read some of my threads i am in the same situation you are.

All i can do is pray and pray and pray some more. God is listening and he will lead me in the right direction but, i must be willing to listen to what he is telling me. LET GO AND LET GOD.

Hope you are feeling better today. I am feeling better today since I let out my anger at HIM, instead of internalizing it. It didn't change anything but at least I feel better.

Love and Hugs
Alegab

January 22, 2005
9:25 am
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GullyFoyle
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I have found that, when I write those type of emails to my wife, instead of sending them, I store them in the draft file of my email program. It is tempting to send it, but by the time I have finished writing it, I have usually calmed down. I still want to keep a record of my feelings and how I expressed them and keeping them stored in the draft file works for me. However, I use Gmail, so only I can access them. If you use something that stores on your computer, remember that someone can hack it. They can hack gmail, too, but I am more worried about family seeing what I write than a stranger.

Gully

January 22, 2005
1:12 pm
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on my way
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Hurts, you will make it through all of this I know you will. I know because I did, and you will look back and SEE. Ovr time your eyes will be opened, the fog will clear, and you'll be a stronger, better person as a result of. We cannot make people love us. And if they don't, then that is ok. I know it hurts so much, but you'll make it. About 1.5 yrs ago I was in the same web. I did not get what I wanted and had temper tantrums throughout. I made a fool of myself more times than you can count. But I look back and see that I had to go through it. It was hell, but it was lesson well learned. Hugs to you, and keep writing, keep venting, write out your thoughts here if you want, things you want to say to him.

January 22, 2005
3:17 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Thanks everyone for all the encouragement that I will get through this in one piece.

I feel really sad today as well as a bit worried that I've lost my sanity. I must be crazy to keep trying the way I do to get a response from him. I need to get a life!

But at least I"m starting to feel a bit of anger towards him, which is good I suppose. Maybe if I get angry enough, I'll be able to get off this rollercoaster. I don't understand how someone could be so mean and toy with someone's emotions the way he did. And I don't understand how I could be so stupid and fall for all this crap.

He hasn't read my email yet....of course, I don't know if he just deleted it without reading or if he just hasn't checked his mail. Either way it sucks. I have the need to have the LAST word on this. I need him to know (or at least think) that I took the power back from him.

January 22, 2005
3:20 pm
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on my way
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Hurts, I have to go, but will write you later.

January 22, 2005
5:15 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Well - it's done! He has read my last email to him. Of course, I have no reply. Big Surprise!

I feel bad that he didn't have the courtesy to even acknowledge the email, but on the other hand, at least I know he read it and he knows that I know he cannot have any power over me anymore. Now it's up to me once again. I HAVE TO STOP WRITING!!!! Maybe he needs time to digest everything I told him in that email (and some of the things weren't very nice, but true).

Now my work begins. I need to find enough things to do to keep busy and keep from obsessing about him -- that's usually what makes me write him. I only really have one friend I can hang out with during weekends....most of my friends are through work and they're all in relationships.....kinda feel like a third wheel. I do have family though, and I have always wanted to take up a hobby....so maybe now is the time. I just need to figure out what that hobby might be...lol. I'm such a mess. Is there any hope for me?

Here I am - no hobbies, no life, is there really hope for someone like me? I have been dependent on other people making me happy that I have totally lost myself. Who the hell am I? REALLY??????

January 22, 2005
5:52 pm
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SUSIE BABY
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wow, i feel for you. don't beat your self up to bad for writting, you NEED to vent!! come here, tell us what your thinking, feeling ect.. you will find someone here to give you the support you NEED. not knowing why we've been dumped can realy mess with your whole being.you mentioned jumping on a plane, believe it or not this give's you a leg up. he's not around the corner[ like mine WAS]for you to see him to begin with, let alone with someone else. work on becoming a stronger person.not going to be easy, but you DESERVE better! have faith in your higher power.i'm sure god has a great man in your future! stay with us,there's alway's someone here when you need it,susan

January 22, 2005
6:01 pm
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sdesigns
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OK Hurts: You told him he cannot have power over you anymore...now mean it! No more e-mails, phone calls, etc. OK? there's lots of things you can do to keep busy- go to the movies (Silence says guys like to go on Fri afternoons- maybe ck that out!), go to bookstores, wander around the mall, go to the gym or join a gym, go to the library to read, take a drive, go to Starbuck's, get your nails done, get a new haircut, get a massage, get your makeup done,...try to do things to get out of thinking about him and maybe make yourself somewhat different. Anything you've ever wanted to try? A cooking class maybe? Or take a short trip somewhere- I have learned to travel by myself and it is actually fun. There's always the rubberband trick- wear it on your arm and snap yourself whenever you think about him. You can do it! SD

January 22, 2005
8:03 pm
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Alegab
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Hi- You offered very very good suggestions to Hurts and they apply to me also. Believe it or not my psychiatrist told me about the rubber band thing. I've tried it, it works sometimes. I had a therapist tell me of another excercise to do. Write a good bye letter to that person and go to a very remote place--- the woods, a lake, a road not traveled much. Somewhere isolated and throw the good bye letter there and verbalize your feelings and walk away. I did it one time with someone that was toxic in my life. I went to an isolated area that had a drain pipe spilling into a small pond. I placed the letter inside the pipe and said my good bye. It helped me deal with my emotions.

I am in a bad spot right now. I need a reality check. I just finished journaling and TELLING MYSELF THE TRUTH. If i am not honest with myself i will never get better and get out of my RUT. Yes i felt very happy this morning when i heard from him, "i made up something to get out and call you, i miss you, do you have everything you need at home for the storm?" Yes it made me feel good for the moment. Reality check: when i asked him to please try to get on line tonight his answer--- i'll try my best. What other answer did i expect? Did anything change since yesterday when i got the load off my shoulders and told him everything i felt? NO. All it did is make me feel better to let him know how i felt . I was honest and to the point. Even having admitted to him that right now i can't let go because i don't feel strong enough. I believe the day will come SOON where i will be able to let go and go on with my life.

I feel very sad and lonely right now. My girls are out with their friends in their homes. My husband is home doing his own thing- having his "affair with the television" lol lol.

I am still in hope of him coming on line. What for? For him to tell me i can only stay on a minute, she is around. My anger is coming back. Did i expect otherwise?

Please post i need your support.

Love and hugs
Alegab

January 22, 2005
8:19 pm
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FreedomSeeker
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I have been writing unsent letters to my ex. Every time that she pulls a stunt or I feel like talking to her, I go to micosoft word and write to her. It gets stuff out of me and hopefully to the universe and I like to think that it somehow reaches her. I have not answered an email, nor sent any of the letters. I changed my numbers and emails. I have called the police twice on her.

She found a way to contact me through a site that I was a member of. She emailed me and then I deleted myself from that site.
A friend of mine even called her and told her to leave me alone, that she was only making me angry. Then this morning in the wee hours she shows up in my yard violating the restraining order for the third time.
She is not getting the point.
She says that she loves me, but she does not know what love is, she is obsessed.

In the last email that she sent to me she was asking all sorts of questions and asking for some form of contact, not all the time but just some contact with me.
I can't do it, I know that I would fall back into a relationship with her again. She knows me well, but I know her and myself well.

I admited this week that I still love her-it makes it even harder.
The stunts that she does pull help me to see that I can't go back to a life with her,because I can't fix her nor help her.

January 22, 2005
8:25 pm
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SweetAmanda
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FreedomSeeker,

You are one of the strongest recovering/healing people I have 'met' in a long time.

I honestly have the utmost respect for you.

I have no doubt you will find the freedom you are seeking.

~Amanda~

January 22, 2005
8:30 pm
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Alegab
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Freedom seeker - good for you. You are doing all the right things to keep away from someone who is toxic for you. It makes me feel so good to hear the things I KNOW I SHOULD BE DOING BUT DON'T DO.

I totally agree with Amanda.

Good job, keep doing what you're doing.

Alegab

January 22, 2005
9:31 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Alegab: Try this. Just imagine you are his wife and he is sneaking around to e-mail and phone various women. You know that he sets up rendevous with them. As your husband, would you respect him? Is this someone you would be proud to call your husband? Is this guy really such a good catch? that is if he could be caught? I'm trying anything here to help you out. SD

January 22, 2005
11:04 pm
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msguud
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please, please, block him from your on-line and delete his contact name. Out of sight, out of mind. Please do it for your sake instead of always watching for it. It does help. You sound like me: no life, always making someone else happy. It sure is hard to find something to make us happy, eh? I'm struggling like hell to find something for me, but I do cuddle babies at the hospital as a volunteer and that sure is rewarding. Maybe you could do something like that? Anyways, keep coming back here, because we all care and it sure gets me through some trying times, even though i'm relatively new at it. Take care kiddo

January 22, 2005
11:36 pm
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Hello all..
I can really relate to this thread. It sounds alot like my current situation. I need to let go of my partner, but somehow I just keep letting myself get drawn back in.. And keep letting myself get hurt.. If I had other hobbies and/or single friends as well, it would help so much! But instead I am working two jobs to try to keep my mind busy.. But it is frustrating because I don't have any fun anymore. And doesnt completely work to keep my mind off of her.. I'm feeling pretty lonely and sad right now. I want to move on, but its SO hard to let go.

-Seeking

January 22, 2005
11:56 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Hey everyone.

I spent this afternoon out of the house. Went shopping at the Mall. But I gotta be honest, it did nothing to distract me. I still managed to think about him.

I have no email from him, and I really didn't expect one.....I just keep withing my higher power would bring him back to me because he is what I want. I know it doesn't work that way, but I keep trying...lol.

I do pray for some guidance and either my higher power isn't listening to me, or I'm the one that's not paying attention. I'm going to go see my daughter tomorrow and maybe that will help some....but I doubt it.

I'm just so lost. But thanks for all the encouragement.....I really need it!

January 23, 2005
11:35 am
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Alegab
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SD- I am crying right now after reading your post. It is so so true. NO I WOULD NOT BE VERY HAPPY WITH THAT. He pulled something on me very early on in the relationship ( i think a month after we met). YOu might have read it in one of my posts. One day he was on line for a very long time and it made me suspicious since he said he couldn't be on line. I changed my screen name and observed him for a while. I then approached him and we started chatting. Before the conversation was over he made a date with me for the following day. He also had a date with the REAL ME. I went and acted really cool for the time we were together. At around the time he had to go to see the "phony" lady he started to get nervous. As we got closer to his car my face showed i was upset. He asked me what was wrong. I said nothing, i guess its because we are parting. I waited until he was just by his car and said to him "i hope Terry doesn't stand you up." OMG he didn't know where to put his face. He started to cry, cry because he got caught. I totally lost it. I had written him a letter cursing him out and telling him I WANT TO FORGET YOUR NAME AND THAT YOU EVEN EXIST. I first told him everything the letter said verbally and then handed him the letter and told him to read it. To make a long story short he wrote me a very deep letter of apology when he got home. Believe this--- he said he was just going to meet her to tell her he had someone else!!!!! Worst of all is that i forgave him. I went right back believing his lies.

Oh my God, I must print what you sent and keep reading it over and over.

MS and Seek- Thank you so much for your imput also. It is so wonderful to have friends like you who really care and who put themselves out to help me see reality. It means so much to me. I know I will not let this Looser ruin my life.

Hurts- Please have hope. Sometimes what we live is on that. You will get through this. It takes time and maybe you are not ready yet. I know I sound like a broken record in alot of my posts offering people to just take a look at this web site: Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous
http://www.slaafws.org/

If nothing else, maybe it can help you see that there are many many people out there who suffer just like we do and its also hard for them to let go.

You don't know me but if you knew me four years ago, you would certainly say i have come a long way. To me its not enough because i am still an addict. But as people in the program tell me they have seen positive changes in me. They believe in me and like so many others in the program i will be sober one day. Hopefully soon.

As i just told someone in another post, a suggestion from one of the SLAA members. To say the following affirmationsn over and over throughout the day especially in front of a mirror: I AM WORTHY, I AM VALUABLE AND I AM LOVABLE. Even if you don't believe it right now, fake it till you make it!!!!

All my love and lots of hugs to all of you for being here for me.

Alegab

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