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ANYBODY HERE??? I NEED SOME HELP.......
October 15, 2006
2:28 am
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lovinglife
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let me try this again

October 15, 2006
2:29 am
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lovinglife
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ok...when I hit send it goes back to the main page that lists the threads, click back on this thread then have to scroll down. hmmmm, it's not usually like that

October 15, 2006
2:30 am
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needtoheal
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HE DID NOT CONTIBUTE EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY WE HAD PROBLEMS BEING TOGETHER... IN SOME SENSE I THINK THAT IT WAS A CONTROL ISSUE TOO..'
AND NOW I AM HAVING A VERY DIFFICULT TIME.. I DID READ ON THE NO CONTACT THREAD THAT I SHOULD CARRY NOTES AROUND OF ALL THE STUFF THAT HE DID AND HOW HE MADE ME FEEL AND READ THEM BEFORE BEING IMPULSIVE LIKE I WAS TONIGHT///
LEAVING MESSAGES... HOPING HE WOULD CALL.. DRIVING BY HIS HOUSE WHEN I KNEW HE WAS NOT HOME'

FUNNY THING IS THAT WHEN HE WAS WITH ME WE WOULD GET SOMETHING TO EAT AND WATCH A MOVIE.. CUDDLE .. AND IT IS ALL OF A SUDDEN A SEPARATION EVER SINCE HE SAID THAT AFTER HE PUSHED ME OUT OF THE WAY OF GETTING OUT OF THE ROOM IF I TOLD MY FATHER OR MY BROTHER WHO HE SAID WAS AN A*&^^(OLE WHEN HE ONLY MET HIM TWICE.. AND THEN SAID THAT HE WOULD STAB HIM IN HIS HEART AND HAVE ME WATCH HIM DO IT... WHO THINKS LIKE THAT ???

October 15, 2006
2:35 am
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Jenni
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Ok, people who use a crutch, eventually do not need it, anymore. It's TEMPORARY until the healing has taken place.

Think of your situation as a "broken leg". It is broken, wounded and needs time to heal. You use the crutch to walk UNTIL you have gained some strength and have begun to heal.

And once you have healed, you can TOSS the crutch and walk on your own.

I think it would be wise to take some time just being on your own. To heal from your previous relationship and to work on YOU and why you may be drawn to those who are only good enough to be a "crutch" and not a "ROCK".

Try to find ways to build your confidence so that you will NOT be drawn to "crutches". Because if we become dependent on crutches, we are less likely to try to do it on our own.

Once the confidence in ourselves are built up, we will NOT settle for anything less than HEALTHY.

(((I_WILL_HEAL)))

You CAN do this!! It's inside of you! It's just up to YOU to release it!

October 15, 2006
2:35 am
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needtoheal
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I HOPE YOU GUYS ARE STILL HERE.... AND I REALLY REALLY DO APPRECIATE IT HAVING YOU HERE WITH ME...
I FEEL SO ALONE AND I KNOW THAT IT WILL TAKE TIME.. I UNDERSTAND THAT... BUT IF HE WANTED SO MUCH FOR THIS TO BE OVER I JUST DID NOT APPRECIATE HIM COMING TO MY WORK ON THURSDAY... THEN NOT TALK FRIDAY OTHER THAN THE TEXT MESSAGE... WONDER HOW HE INTERPRETED THE MESSAGE: I KNOW THE DEAL AND PLEASE DO NOT MAKE THIS ANY WORSE

October 15, 2006
2:37 am
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lovinglife
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Iwillheal~ I'm getting tired - it's 1:30am - I'll need to sign off shortly...

I wished that I could help you tonight. Did you read some stuff on the No contact thread that you found of help? There sure are some good postings on there that helped me alot during those dreadful early days { I know how hard it is to let go- all too well}. Trying to figure out here what postings would be helpful for you to read. Want helped me the most was reading about toxic relationships, about abusers and why No contact is so powerful for us {for one it's stops the crazies going on in our head). I'll see if I can find something yet here tonight. There are about 5-6 old no contact thread before this latest one...lots of good/insightful reading.

October 15, 2006
2:38 am
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lovinglife
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Did he break it off?

October 15, 2006
2:40 am
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needtoheal
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WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT HIM???? WAS IT THAT I WAS DEPENDENT ON HIM AND HE WAS DEPENDENT ON ME FOR GETTING OVER A TEN YEAR DRUG ADDICTION// THAT IS ANOTHER THING THAT BOTHERED HIM IS THE FACT THAT I DID NOT WANT TO BE AROUND HIS SO-CALLED FRIENDS THAT DO DRUGS... AND ALSO NOW THESE FRIENDS .. THEY ARE NICE PEOPLE.. BUT THEY DO ENCOURAGE THAT LIFESTYLE.. AND HE KNEW THAT I WOULD NOT LIKE THAT SITUATION....
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEAS AFTER READING WHAT WE WENT THROUGH WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM NOW//; HE WAS ALWAYS THE ONE WHO WOULD NOT BE UP FEELING UPSET OR BAD WHENEVER THERE WAS A PROBLEM... I THINK HE IS TRYING TO ESCAPE AND OR TRYING TO MEET NEW PEOPLE

October 15, 2006
2:43 am
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needtoheal
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HE DID BREAK IT OFF IN SOME SENSE.. BY NOT CALLING ANYMORE... AND THEN WHEN I HAD THAT FUNERAL... HE WANTED TO SUPPOSEDLY DO SOMETHING WITH ME BUT HE HAD THINGS TO DO...SO THEN I MET HIM AT THE BAR WHICH I THOUGHT HE WOULD BE AT.....

October 15, 2006
2:44 am
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lovinglife
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he broke it off...what is the hardest thing for you right now to deal with?

October 15, 2006
2:44 am
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LA Rosa
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Hi needtoheal,

Try not to let yourself get too upset. You know searching for understanding can be testing, to say the least. I've been in that situation where No Contact was so very difficult. Finding that understanding does lead to little breakthroughs though. Reassure yourself - UNDERSTANDING IS COMING.

When visiting AAC a couple of years ago, I was helped to understand so many things that I was unaware of. So hang in there.....and give yourself all the time YOU need.

La Rosa

October 15, 2006
2:46 am
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needtoheal
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THANKS LL FOR BEING HERE AND HELPING ME...
AND LA ROSA I KNOW IT IS SO HARD BUT FOR SOME REASON I DON;T KNOW WHY I AM SO MIXED UP INSIDE ABOUT SOMEONE THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR ME ....

October 15, 2006
2:47 am
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lovinglife
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La Rosa~ that is wonderful advice. Gosh we do have so many questions when something hits us so hard...I did that too-

October 15, 2006
2:50 am
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lovinglife
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gosh Iwillheal - been there -done that and there are soooo many on here that can say the same thing..."Why am I so mixed up inside about someone that is not good for me?" We know we need to let them go, but we can't or have a hell of a time doing so.

October 15, 2006
2:50 am
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needtoheal
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I GUESS I AM SO DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF BUT I AM GLAD BECAUSE I WAS TEMPTED TO GO OVER TO THAT BAR TONIGHT.. BUT THEN I THOUGHT ABOUT IT SOME MORE...NO NEED TO GO THERE AND SEE HIM BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING TO REALLY TALK ABOUT...
I DO NOT THINK THAT HE WILL FIND SOMEONE SO SOON BUT IF HE DOES I WILL HAVE TO LET GO OF THAT TOO.. HE WOULD PROBABLY BE THE SAME LIKE HE TALKS TO HIS MOTHER///

LA ROSA DID U READ MY THREAD ON "2ALONE... READ THIS PLEASE"

October 15, 2006
2:54 am
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needtoheal
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THANK YOU LL FOR JUST LISTENING.. A COP PULLED ME OVER ... FIRST TIME EVER.. AND I GUESS I REALIZED HOW MUCH HE AFFECTS ME AND SO I WENT HOME AND WENT STRAIGHT TO THIS SITE...THANKS FOR EVERYTHING
JEN
LL
AND LA ROSA

October 15, 2006
2:55 am
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lovinglife
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I see that I'm getting tired here : ) better quit while I am ahead!

It's finding some answers, being able to put our finger on something us or making connection to some sort of wisdom that helps us be able to have something to hold to while we are letting go. For me, it was something said about how no contact hurts the person (I was a little pissed when my relatinship ended). But it helped me to stay away from him - only two break contact twice before I finally was able to let it go. But my relationship was only three months long. It's a process and *slips* will happen until you finally find that one thing that will give you strength to let go.

October 15, 2006
2:57 am
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needtoheal
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THANKS FOR STAYING HERE FOR ME.. I HOPE THAT WE CAN KEEP IN TOUCH.. I WILL GO OVER THE NO CONTACT THREADS.... THANKS GOOD NIGHT

October 15, 2006
3:07 am
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lovinglife
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And you did the right thing by not going to the bar. That is where no contact starts- not going to places that you know you will see him. Also not accepting his calls or you calling/texting him. Easier said then done I know. But it will get easier. However when we start doing that then we start getting in control of ourselves.

What is hard about maintaining that is because of our unanswered questions as well as that little bit of hope we hold onto , that just maybe the relationship might work. and we drive ourselves crazy until we either get some answer or finally get an in your face reality check (like Santino did-I did too). I guess what I am trying to say is that we know the relatinship is not good for us but yet we have to learn the hard way for it to really sink in. It is the wise ones that get around that - and to be honest- that are not too many wise one!! It's human nature. Harder then hell to let go of something in our lives - regardless if we know its not good for us.

October 15, 2006
3:09 am
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lovinglife
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take care Iwillheal. I'd better head to bed now before I really start to not make sense....hang in there, it will get better, it's just finding that thing for you that will help you get into the no contact mode.

October 15, 2006
3:14 am
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LA Rosa
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Hi needtoheal,

I'm just getting into it now.

Glad that you weren't tempted 'enough' to go over.....that's great!

lovinglife - Yes, it's easy to loose the plot a bit when confusion is rife.....very disturbing.

La Rosa

October 15, 2006
7:58 am
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needtoheal
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THANKS LL AND LA ROSA FOR READING AND LISTENING AND ADVICE...

THIS IS SO HARD... LIKE BREAKING AN ADDICTION FOR ME...

AND EVEN THOUGH I KNOW THAT IT IS NOT A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, I STILL WAS TEMPTED TO GO TO SEE HIM... BUT I DID THAT ONCE BEFORE A FEW WEEKS AGO AND THE RESULTS WERE NOT GOOD ..
THEN WHEN I TALKED TO MY THERAPIST ABOUT IT SHE WAS WONDERING IF I THOUGHT THAT THERE WOULD BE A DIFFERENT RESULT... SO THIS TIME AT LEAST I KNEW THAT I SHOULD NOT GO BECAUSE HE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE BEEN DRINKING AND HE WOULD BE NASTY WITH ME FOR GOING THERE...

AND I AM GRATEFUL THIS MORNING THAT HE DID NOT END UP CALLING ME LAST NIGHT TOO....

SO ALTHOUGH I WAS GETTING SO DOWN ON MYSELF FOR CALLING HIM LAST NIGHT I HAVE TO KEEP MY SPIRITS UP BECAUSE I DID NOT TALK TO HIM OR SEE HIM EITHER..

NOW I AM WONDERING WHAT TODAY WILL BRING.. WILL HE CALL? I AM ALREADY PREPARED NOT TO ANSWER BECAUSE IT FEELS SO AWKWARD.. AND I KNOW THAT I HAVE TO REMAIN STRONG AND LET HIM KNOW THAT I WANT THIS OVER..
THANKS AGAIN

October 15, 2006
10:33 am
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LA Rosa
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Hi needtoheal,

After reading how much you've been through - it sounds as though he is actually into getting a buzz (payoff) from hurting you.....and feels quite confident he'll get away with it in future. Personally, I think he's got big problems and needs professional help. He comes across as being an angry, selfish, nasty piece of work, who's been so for a long time.

If that's the case.....and YOU would know, then do you realise it would also mean he's well aware of (at least some to some extent) the effect he's having on you? Like, he knows how to hurt you - and does so - over and over.....and do you know what the odds are he'll have every intention of continuing to do so - over and over?? Beware!! I do hope you are taking care of yourself and being concerned for your safety!

This guy IS intent on punishing you and IS also 'very' invested in lowering your self-esteem? What's your gut feeling telling you on that one?

What part/s are you finding real hard to accept needtoheal?

Just remember, if you feel that urge coming on to give him the benefit of the doubt, remind yourself quickly, that you're not dealing with a basically OK guy here. If you knew at the very start, before you became 'enmeshed' with him, what you do know about him NOW.....would you want to have a relationsip with him??

Well now you DO know what he's really like!! It only gets worse from here as well. You also well know YOU'VE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH! Unfortunately, guys like him are on a major different wave-length. It's called SICK. Naturally, they don't make very good role models for kids either. You and your kids deserve much much much better than the likes of him.

BOOT THE SCUMBAG! You know how to do it!! After all, he's just a real poor excuse for a guy anyway! One, BTW, who will take every advantage of you, 'especially' when you are at your most vulnerable. So know for certain, he certainly does NOT have YOUR welfare or best interests at heart.

When you can TRULY ACCEPT - when your questions find their answers, and you have reached your required level of understanding - 'then' you'll put all this behind you - where it rightfully belongs....and 'then' there can and will be a whole new chapter just waiting to begin. Mmmmm

The guy I was involved with was far too potentially dangerous for me to ever give him the benefit of the doubt. I had wanted to get through to him though - to get him to realise how much he'd hurt me and how it was from my perspective. Well, the guy, true to form, had no intentions of ever letting me have anything that 'I' wanted. I've come to the conclusion that he had a personality disorder and wasn't/isn't normal. Finally it didn't matter any more, if he knew or not.....for it was beyond him anyway. He knows he hurt me - but in his mind it would have been all thoroughly justified.....no need for self-reproach on his part at all. I'm the one who should be apologising to him, as far as he's concerned.... and it's never basically going to change. Hard to believe this same guy 'seemed' to be so absolutely wonderful at the start.

Stay strong needtoheal

La Rosa

After knowing him quite a while....Are you hoping to be able to finally get through to him?

Perhaps thinking he could possibly understand this time and care about what you're going through?

October 15, 2006
10:45 am
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LA Rosa
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The last two questions - needtoheal - weren't actually intended to be there. I thought they were gone.... it's obviously long past my bedtime.

Take care,

La rosa

October 15, 2006
11:07 am
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needtoheal
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THANKS LA ROSA... I AM DOING MUCH BETTER... I DID NOT HEAR FROM HIM AT ALL LAST NIGHT.. AND I DID TEXT MESSAGE HIM THAT I WAS GLAD THAT HE DID NOT CALL...

I KNOW THAT HE IS NOT A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR THE KIDS AND THAT IS THE REASON THAT I ALSO THAT I KEPT HIM FROM A DISTANCE.

AFTER THINKING ABOUT ALL OF THIS I HAVE REALIZED THAT THIS SO-CALLED RELATIONSHIP WAS A CRUTCH... WE USED TO ONLY BE TOGETHER WHEN THE KIDS WERE WITH THEIR FATHER.. AND I KNOW THAT I AM BETTER OFF WITHOUT THIS MAN BECAUSE I DO UNDERSTAND AND ARE AWARE OF THE FACT THAT HE LIKED TO BRING ME DOWN AND ALSO TRIED TO PURPOSELY HURT ME EMOTIONALLY....

I ALSO THINK THE REASON THAT I AM HAVING SUCH A DIFFICULT TIME IS BECAUSE I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO HEAL FROM THE END OF MY FIRST RELATIONSHIP-- MY EX-H WHO I WAS MARRIED TO FOR OVER 10 YEARS.. HE LEFT AND I FILED FOR DIVORCE BUT DURING THAT PROCESS I MET THIS MAN.. SORRY IF I AM REPEATING MYSELF...

AND THEREFORE, I NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO BE ALONE WHEN THE KIDS ARE WITH THEIR DAD...
BUT I AM TRYING SOOOO HARD TO CHANGE MY BEHAVIOR..
ANOTHER REASON WHY I WAS SO HARD ON MYSELF LAST NIGHT BECAUSE I WORKED ALL DAY THEN I WENT BOWLING AND THEN RETURNED TO WORK FROM 10PM-1AM ... THAT IS WHEN I HAD CALLED HIM AND THAT IS WHEN I LEFT MESSAGES... THANK GOD, I DID NOT GO TO THE BAR WHERE I THOUGHT THAT HE WOULD BE... SO I CAN'T BE TOO HARD ON MYSELF BECAUSE I DID STOP AND LISTEN TO MY HEART....
SOMEONE GAVE ME THE SUGGESTION THAT IF I EVER HAVE AN IMPULSE TO WRITE HOWEVER THIS MAN HAS HURT ME AND WHEN I HAVE THAT IMPULSE TO READ IT... I SHOULD HAVE DONE IT LAST NIGHT... BUT NOW I HAVE LEARNED THE ANSWER...
AND I AM PROUD OF MYSELF BECAUSE I AM STARTING TO CHANGE/// AND THIS IS A MAN WHO IS INCAPABLE OF CHANGE//
I KNOW IT DOES NOT MATTER ABOUT WHAT HE DOES ANYMORE, BUT THAT WAS ALSO ANOTHER RED FLAG FOR ME TO GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION BECAUSE I HAD NOTICED THAT HE WAS TURNING TO ALCOHOL.. AND HE IS A FORMER POT HEAD WHO NEVER WENT INTO RECOVERY,,, YEAH, HE QUIT AND I THINK THAT I WAS HIS CRUTCH, BUT FROM WHAT I HAVE READ ABOUT AN ADDICT, IF THEY DO NOT SEEK RECOVERY, THEY WILL SWITCH TO ANOTHER FORM OF ABUSE.

THANKS FOR LISTENING

" I WILL HEAL"

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