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anybody heard from army?
October 29, 2006
2:28 pm
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StronginHim77
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(((((((Kasie)))))))

- Ma Strong

October 29, 2006
2:53 pm
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cyndra820
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((((Kasei))))

Like SmartOne said, we are the best of the best. We survived and came through the storm.

You are brave, and I completely understand what you said and why you said it the way you did. It woke up something inside of me.

So you not only have my love for a cyber sister, but you have my utmost respect for telling it like it is.

Love,
Cyndra

October 29, 2006
10:34 pm
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armyleo
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Wow!!! I really blew it big time...I am a [email protected]*cking idiot. I guess I owe everyone an apology.

I wrote.."But this is fantasy, this isn't real." I guess when I am upset and type my mind is going a thousand words per minute, but my hand isn't going as fast. Then I don't re-read my post which makes it worst. In my mind I'm trying to tell you that it's fantasy, because in my real life, I have never had someone tell me I'm okay, that I'm not a failure, that I'm not pathetic etc. everyone makes me feel like that but you guys don't.

That is why I want to meet you guys in my real (personal) life and when I'm gone & dead.

I didn't think of the bad you had indured in my mind I just thought of you as wonderful, good, caring, people, you are. I've never encountered that beforoe. You good is always shining...I guess reading back you guys do have a right to be upset and I wouldn'[t blame you if you didn't want to talk and associate with me anymore. I was just pounding away at the keyboard be a selfish person.

But my original post, and intent was to bolt and is to bolt from this site, but I didn't want to be nasty and mean....I wantee to get on Jenni's horse and bolt (need a little humor) I've cried and cried, and ask myself why? Maybe, because I don't know how to take everyone kind words and help, I don't know how to accept it.

Maybe because I am not the "good person" that I seem, My H is bad, but I'm not great/good either, and my bad started coming out. This is the "first" TIME i REALIZED, I was abusing my kids, not the first time I''ve done it.

Someone said I like the positive, I was receiving, I don't know if that is true, because that also scares me. Why would someone saying something nice about me scare me? It just doesn't make sense.

I can't be and do what everyone expects of me!!!!! At least not now. I don't want to fail you like I have failed everyone in my life. But I feel like I have.

I almost didn;t post, because I couldn't look at all of you anymore after what I'd done. But at the same time I can't stand having made you guys upset.

Now that I've made my peace I need sleeping pills.

October 29, 2006
10:40 pm
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armyleo
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Kassie,

I am so sorry....I've never had a sister and now i have screwed even an on-line friendship up. I'm sorry...I'm sorry for everything that you have endured and for what you are enduring.

I can feel your pain, I sit here crying my eyes out, and not knowing what to say. I want to hold you, and not let you go.

I have no words, I only hope that you will forgive me.

Not only am I messed up in my real life but I mess up with those who are trying to help.

October 29, 2006
10:51 pm
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smarterone
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Army, we say what we say cuz we care and we have been there and some still are.
Army, you are who you are because of what you are living with. Cant you see it is a vicious circle. His job empowers him, it takes a cold person to be in his position, i was married to a cop for 20 yrs. We divorced and my oldest son does not talk to me. Seven yrs now. We called him today, well my other son did. He hasnt spoke to him either and he doesnt want to know us. Cold just like his father. They see things. So what i am saying is he treats you bad, you in turn are miserable, dpressed, nothing makes you feel safe, your kids see this, when you are upset, its natural, who else are you going to pick on. You have no one else. Then they in turn have an unhealthy opinion of u. My son does. We are weak, we are crazy, no life, nothing. Do i need to go on? Army, no matter how long it takes, just start working on it. I always have to make a list. Good things, bad things, compare them. My options, if i stay, if i go. What do i gain, and what do i lose. In the end, i always lost. Good luck.

October 29, 2006
10:54 pm
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mamacinnamon
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(((((Armyangel)))))

Honey, you keep posting here. We all love you and care very much. Yes, you ticked us off. You made me feel like the pain and 12 years I endured were for nothing. You made me feel like the time I have spent here w/ you is for nothing. Then I stepped back and said..... "But I planted a seed". Seeds take time to sprout. Just like battered women take time to get the courage and strength to leave. A lot of times it takes one of your kids or you almost getting killed. I pray you will act before that happens coz honey it will happen one day.

Let's hugs and let me tell you again how PROUD of you I am and how happy I am to see you back.

October 30, 2006
8:36 am
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kasie919
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ARmyAngel:

Hey cybersister:

Im a very forgiving person, my only intent was for you to know we are truly in real life walking in each others shoes..

I was upset because of the way you wrote your words,

Honey your confused you have been pounded with negatives, i know all to well how hard it is to get compliments and positives and not know how to accept them..

I love you, Im not mad at you, i just think you need to really see how every ones life is, my is just horrible right now, and without you, i would be a mess,your helping me, along with others here, im coping,

Honestly i havent spilled all yet, im still realing in pain fear, guilt, sorry, saddness, all of it, I have no one, no one at all except these lovely people here..

so please, remane here, little do you know, im still connected to you, and i really need you...

your doing fine, the numbness is wearing off my friend, your feeling your reality now, soon you will know, its time...

I love you, you have nothing to be sorry for, i wish i could know who you really are, we have so much, so very much in common..

I have to go now, im late for work,but i will try to check while im there.

have a wonderful monday!!!

Lots of love hugs and butterfly kisses,

Kaise

October 30, 2006
8:39 am
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kasie919
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oh and one other thing,

im always holding you, im there, hugging you right now, so please, take the time, realx, and feel the love these people want to give you,

take all that negative energy and turn it into positive and helpfull ways..

you will be fine, i promise

take three steps forward, fall 2 back..

Kasie

October 30, 2006
11:59 am
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armyleo
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smarterone,

When you were married. Did you H keep stuff to himself. Never want to talk about it.

I wish at times he would trust me more, but he doesn't. I just wonder, if I can help him, just by being there to listen. He thinks I'm clueless, get upset because he says i don't understand, what he goes through. Well I if he doesn't tell me stories, etc. Then how am I suppose to know? He keeps me out.

But he always keeps me away. i guess you said it, he is "cold", with his immediate family.

October 30, 2006
12:02 pm
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armyleo
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Hi Kassie,

Hi I'm here, I'm holding you too.

ArmyAngel

October 30, 2006
12:58 pm
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cyndra820
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((((Army))))

Now that you've been gobsmacked by us know that we do love and care for you. People didn't post only because they were angry, they posted because you hurt them. You don't hurt people who don't care.

We care, honey and we are there to help support you.

You are growing each and every day. I've watched it in the brief period of time that I've been here. I've seen your insightful and encouraging comments. I've seen you just post hugs when you didn't have the words to express how you felt. You are strong, brave and loving.

You stuck your foot in your mouth when you were feeling low. We've all done that. Maybe not here, but we have. I know I've done it. So, if I go "Pass the salt for my foot", you'll know I've done it again.

You are forgiven for what you wrote. Angel, we love you. And please understand something, we all have days we aren't nice. I have days I'm a royal bitch and I pity the fool who tries me. So, don't worry about it over much. Realize that just because you don't see us doesn't mean we aren't here.

As for staying away, DON'T YOU DARE!!! I will find a way to shake sense into your head via cyber space. I don't know how, but I will!

You mean so much to me. I think you are wonderful. You will learn to believe we love and care about you. You will learn to believe in yourself. On another thread someone asked how do you learn to trust yourself. I don't remember who answered but to me the answer was profound. You learn to trust yourself by forgiving yourself, acknowledging your mistakes, and making every effort to change. You are learning to trust yourself.

Love,
Cyndra

October 30, 2006
1:11 pm
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smarterone
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army
No, he came to me with everything, like i wass responsible for everything. He was a good provider but he had these isssues with the kids, would never want to eat supper with them, didnt want them too close to me, like they were taking time from me. He never let me go anywhere with girls. Always thought i had a boyfriend. When i first met him he was on work release, i was divorced from a cop, strange right, and i started seeing him cause he had something the cop didnt, affection. Means the world to me. He would leave jail in morning work and see me and go back at night. He finally moved in with me, and then all the shit started. mind you he was still married buthad me believe it was over a long time ago and had three kids, that he claimed he wouldnt be seeing. I had two. Things changed, their mom would kick them out at 12, they come by me, rob things, thenturn things around to get us to fight. but he always told t hem i came first. with me, my kids were first. one thing i am and always was was a good mom, thats why it is killing me that my older one hasnt spoken to me since 2000 and yesterday, refused to acknowledge we called. anyway, we mmoved from ny to his family in fla. my family was in ny, the little i had, my older son didnt come, stayed nearbydad. I knew, i couldnt stay, everyione one sayingdont go, thats all, but i had that fear, yourfear, i dont know what it is. He was already in fla and i was going in 3 wks. In the airport i met a psychic that immediately said to me "you are going to meet someone you love, dont do it, your life with always beone circle of problems." Ill be dammned, it was. Never forgot her. Even before we left for fl. he would do stupid things like if i didnt pay all my attention to you he would actually run away and call from a phone and ask why i havent looked for him, so i had to ride the neighborhood alongsideof him and beg him to get in. cause if i didnt, later would be bad. If u know what i mean. Sex was a big thing with him, You had to do this whole dress up and oblige to him and truthfull, im not sex needy. If id dint oblige the fight would start, i was pulledoutof restaurants by my hair. Left in the middle of the highway. Thrown out in the middle of nite without clothes with my stepdaughter. Thrown thru glass shower door. Tried to run over me chasing me with a car on sidewalk, i hopped th e fence. had their been a young kid, killed. Mental torure, the worse. Picked on my son so bad, hit him. He turned out s mixed up, cuz his own dad stopped seeing him, andhis brother. So i guess his thoughts were ma what are we doing here with this nut, my own dad never touched you. We went to doctors andhewould tell them i was manic depressant and was driving him crazy. It was him. Strange, i just found out accidently that he has been transferred to a facilityhin the neighborhood i just ran away from. I know that wasnt a mistate, he is looking for me. I have to get a divorce. Please listen to me. It doesnt get better, they get morepowerful with every acception we make to the rule. They dont love us, they own us. Its their own insecurity. Please, read on.

October 30, 2006
2:30 pm
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kasie919
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Army:

How you doing sister??

Hope your feeling better, I know things are tough,

Im having a really rough go right now, and it seems i screw up one thing i crew 10 more up,

I have this way of allowing people to abuse me and take advantage of me, yeah, i know its my fault,

im here for you,

Love kasie

October 30, 2006
2:44 pm
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armyleo
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Kasie,

It's me who should be there for you. Your out and you need all the encouragement to keep you safe. You need to not think of painful pasts, but focus on your future. Every good hour counts, and soon, you will have good days.

No I have the one who screws up everything I touch.

Cybersister you are a good person, no it's not your fault, it's that your hurting. You told me it's not "OUR FAULT".

ArmyAngel

October 30, 2006
3:04 pm
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kasie919
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Your right girlfriend,

You know if you could see how much you have grown since you have been here its amazing..

Im haveing tough time, I allow people to walk all over me, then throw it back in my face and make it me who was at fault.

the harder i try the worse it gets..

sometimes i doo feel like giving up, really, but i cant, i have a son and he needs me..

he is all i have to hold onto..

I wish we knew each other in person..

if you only knew..

no more tears my friend, your strong, your BEAUTIFUL!! and you are very much a good mom..

Ok?

Love you,
Kaise

October 30, 2006
3:17 pm
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mamacinnamon
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(((Kasie)))

(((Armyangel)))

(((Smarter)))

Kasie you hang in there honey. You don't realize the progress you are making coz you are still looking at the fire and not walking away from it. Are you maintaining no contact and doing as we discussed? You can and will get thru this.

Army good to see you. I've been swamped w/ everyone's need of me do this and me do that this am. I haven't gotten the material posted, I promise it will be here today. Probably evening.

Smarter thanks for sharing your story. I didn't know all that. I so feel for you and you ARE a good mom. Don't forget it.

Gotta go. They charged my dad twice for the plane tickets and guess who the travel agent is. ha ha My sis wanted me there this afn; ain't happening, and, and, and.....

Be back later and kasie this info is for you too.

October 30, 2006
3:38 pm
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Hi ArmyLeo,

Remember talking about Anger being the second emotion and you were wondering where your anger towards your kids came from?

One person said it was the victim of abuse becoming the abuser in an inevitable pecking order.

I wanted to suggest that the anger is a cover that has burst out of you more recently since you have acknowledged just how loathesome your life looks to you as you have suddenly become aware of how NOT NORMAL it has become. (Ridiculously long sentence. Sorry.)

More simply, I think your rage is your reaction to the broken bone, the humiliation and degradation, etc.

Maybe even more simply, you are very very angry that you have to let go of all your hopes and dreams of a "happily ever after".

The picture of him sulking in the dark -- that you all had "left" him even though you'd invited him to go along......well, he's afraid that's what you're going to do because of how he's been acting. He knows it's really bad.

Approaching him with something as reasonable as "Let's talk".....he lashed out and said the horrid things because he realizes you are trying your mightiest to be rational with him.

I think his anger (blaming you for all that is wrong) is the cover for an incredible amount of fear (of losing his home and family?).

You definitely had a good idea about trying to just sit and have a conversation. It wasn't stupid at all.

Put your thicker skin on. What he says to you to control you, belittle you, hurt your feelings, make you think you're a loser......NOT TRUE!!! It's possible you're smarter than he is 🙂 OMG, it's possible!

Please realize that he is drinking alot, he's trying to be "cop-like", and he feels like he's losing control in his own Lion's Den. Be aware also that his rage is real and unpredictable and you have been truly hurt so you KNOW it is real. You've just tried to be reasonable with him and he scoffed at your attempt.

Accumulated anger that a person holds inside forEVER can turn into depression and listlessness. It's a kind of giving up. A kind of symtomatic personal suicide (killing all the pleasure inside).

OR, that rage could do irreparable damage.

October 30, 2006
4:06 pm
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armyleo
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Brynnie,

I would have never known that the depression, and wanting to end everything. And giving up feeling I've been having is anger. They are just two very different emotions. I thought depression was an I don't care what ever emotion.

and yes, I got angry the other day, but it scared me, so I went back into my retreat.

Thicker skin....I'm so weak, I wish I had thicker skin, to just let everything roll off.

October 30, 2006
4:19 pm
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armyleo
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smarterone,

I didn't respond at first to your post, because it's so hard reading, what I'm going through or have gone through. It's like I want to close my eyes...It's like hurting all over again. People tell me to talk about it, but I can't just yet, it's to painful, so I stuff it back in.

you said ..."They dont love us," That is so hard to read...

October 30, 2006
4:30 pm
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Army>

They cant love, they dont know how..

how can you say you love someone when you break there bones, bruise them, rip there hearts out???

i know its difficult to read and see, but its the truth..

To be honest, I never felt true love until recently, and it has nothing to do with any of my marriages,
i never loved any of them, i went along with the flow as to not rock the boat, as long as he was happy everything should be ok..

how wrong i was..

my life is a mess now, i dont trust, i dont think i can be loved,and i think im ugly, i hate myself,

all my insecurites have just about destroyed any chance of me having a real love..

so if you dont see them now and cant fix them i think you never can..

i hurt more than you realise, i have alot of inner anger just seething to come out, but i swallow it all down, becasue im scaired to get angry.. until the explosion, and thats what scares me most..

i guess it will all be ok, how can it not, you have us here!!
just trying to get you to smile..

kasie

October 30, 2006
9:39 pm
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Dear ArmyLeo,

Maybe I'm not very good at expressing the ideas I was trying to get across.

I think depression is anger turned inwards. If confronting someone will get you violence, it is safer to not cause any waves, to hide your feelings and keep them inside. So the feelings are there, but you dare not express them. If you are always suppressing your feelings, you build up alot of anger inside. And since there is no place to go with those feelings, a person tends to "shut down" emotionally (and I think that is what depression is).

Depression is not letting yourself feel anything, because it's all pain and frustration and hopelessness. Because the problems seem unresolveable, and always remain the same, a person just shuts off the natural responses (like the anger at being hurt or used or mistreated or devalued or ignored). We stop trying to cope with things we cannot find solutions for. We just give up.

If we cannot DARE to be angry (You don't dare to be too angry at him, right?), or if you feel anger towards someone for the "wrong" they did to you but you are not able to express it without anger so you don't express it at all.......then you are suppressing anger.

And the more you bite your tongue and don't feel you can say what you truly feel, the more you can just sink into depression.

It is wanting things (hopes, dreams) and always getting disappointed, until you don't let yourself want anything anymore because you hate being disappointed.

You are right. Anger is not the same as depression. But just because you do not yell or go crazy does not mean you are not angry inside. Continually suppressed anger becomes depression.

Anger is a great motivator. Like, I'm pissed I'm going to SHOW him I'm not lazy will get you a totally clean house. I know a woman who went for a walk everytime she got upset with her husband and she lost a ton of weight!!!

Your anger and yelling at your child might produce one who NEVER waits till the last minute to do her homework again.

Certain anger is safer. Like with your child or the dog. Anger at work could get you fired. Anger at your husband will get you hurt.

But anger is the cover for all those emotions that never got expressed.

I think the answers lie in sorting through those feelings that are underneath. Stuff like feeling badly that we never got finish school, or got a chance to learn how to play the piano, or

October 30, 2006
9:43 pm
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whoops, I accidentally sent befor I was done, but I've already written too much.

I wanted to explain how it could help to talk about feelings you still have that have been buried a long time. How you feel about things that happened to you and how you did or didn't deal with them.

I honestly think some of the pain is relieved when you actually can tell someone and they understand your pain.

October 31, 2006
6:17 pm
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Army, i know im not alone in seeing this, you are awakening. You are curious now. Good sign. We are here.

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