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anybody heard from army?
October 27, 2006
1:10 am
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mamacinnamon
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Hey Smarter:

How r ya? Haven't been around to ask you lately. Hope all is well.

October 27, 2006
1:20 am
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armyleo
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Thank-you, at first when I started writing on the threads it was kind of wierd that people could read and I didn't know etc.

But when I get a note from someone who has been following, but not always writing, it feels like I have friends, who are right beside me although silent. Does this make sense?

I guess I'm learning to speak, here, however, speaking to someone in person is still scarry, like then it will really be true and no going back.

No I don't know about emergency stuff, I don't know if I'm ready for that.

As far as talking to the girls, I don't know. It's like I don't want them to know, although, everyone says they do. I guess It's me who doesn't want to face them.

October 27, 2006
2:17 am
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armyleo
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I probably won't be popping up until Monday. H is home the next 3 days...I'm kind of dreading that, but I use to dread it in silence. Now if things are bad I think of you guys.

I almost got caught twice, and I just don't want to risk it...It would hurt not having someone to talk to...

I hope you all have a good week-end.

October 27, 2006
12:49 pm
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armyleo
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Mama you said "A thought just crossed my mind. A thought for all to ponder and maybe answer. Ma Strong please help w/ this one and Ladeska or any others. I welcome everyone's opinion here. Do you think the abuser drives you to hurt your children on purpose so they can take them away from you? or so that you are no better than the abuser himself/herself? I really would like to know.

I couldn't sleep last night, told myself I wouldn't get mad anymore because I was becoming like him... Why would I do that. I thought it was a 1 time thing, but what scarry is I can feel anger, in me if that makes sense? I wanted to get mad again, today, I guess I don't have patience for the girls lately? I was short with theem. I know I hurt there feelings, but it was either that or explode again. I am better off being a zombie, like last week. How come I am going from depressed and can;t get out of bed, to angry and can't control it. What is happening to me???

October 27, 2006
1:19 pm
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armyleo
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Why do I keep trying???

I want to be able to talk to make a suggestion, yesterday i thought wow, I'm growing I can do this... I'll go out and communicate with my H. Things will be great, he will listen to me, we can sit and talk and he'll listen to what i have to say, ideally I would love it if I could just sit and cuddle with him.

Why does my bubble always have to be burst???? He couldn't just say Oh that's a nice idea, or Hon, love that idea, no he doesn't call me pet names, He has to tell me that ideal is stupid, what were you thinking of. Christ when are you going to learn... and he goes on and on. [email protected]@ B#@, etc..I guess I deserved the words after what I did to my little one.

You guys tell me I'm not stupid and worthless and pathetic. But this is fantasy, this isn't real.

I guess these threads are make believe, and stuff, doesn't happen in real life. I should have known that. I will go back to what's real, I'm too confused and I'm driving myself crazy. I'm going to go back to reality. Why did I think it would change???

You guys probably think I'm nuts a freak who is up on minute and down the next. What a sorry person I am...

Kassie, Mamacin, MA Strong...Maybe in real life, I'll meet some folks like you, if not maybe in my afterlife...

October 27, 2006
1:35 pm
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cyndra820
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ARMY

Listen to me. We are not "make believe". We are VERY real.

What you want isn't stupid. You did not dserve to be called a bitch, or stupid. You are not stupid to want things to get better.

Your husband's abuse (that's what it is, no more sugar coating) is not right. He had no right to speak to you in a degrading manner. You hurt your daughter so you deserve pain?!! Hell-freaking-NO!!

Army, you are deserving of the love and affection you want and need. Your husband has no right to treat you like you aren't fit to lick his boots. I'm trying to get you to believe that.

I'm going to be nosy, and you can tell me to cheese off if you'd like, what did you ask for? What idea did he think was stupid?

Don't leave us. Don't think we're not real. These words are real, my belief in you is real.

Love you very much, missy!!!

Cyndra

October 27, 2006
1:35 pm
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cyndra820
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ARMY

Listen to me. We are not "make believe". We are VERY real.

What you want isn't stupid. You did not dserve to be called a bitch, or stupid. You are not stupid to want things to get better.

Your husband's abuse (that's what it is, no more sugar coating) is not right. He had no right to speak to you in a degrading manner. You hurt your daughter so you deserve pain?!! Hell-freaking-NO!!

Army, you are deserving of the love and affection you want and need. Your husband has no right to treat you like you aren't fit to lick his boots. I'm trying to get you to believe that.

I'm going to be nosy, and you can tell me to cheese off if you'd like, what did you ask for? What idea did he think was stupid?

Don't leave us. Don't think we're not real. These words are real, my belief in you is real.

Love you very much, missy!!!

Cyndra

October 27, 2006
1:36 pm
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cyndra820
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Darn thing posted twice!! They told me the server was unavailable!!! UGH!!!

October 27, 2006
1:38 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Answer to first post first.... The answer is because you are seeing what is happening to you and you feel cannot do anything about it.

Let's try to find an example that works for you.

When a child is contstantly hit by whomever does that child not start hitting others?

When a fly keeps flying around you do you not lash out at it? Well, that was a stupid one, nix this example.

Here's one for ya. My youngest used to pick on the kitten just coz she wanted to hold it and it did not want to be held, so she'd put it under a basket, in the closet, whereever she thought of. Now she was only 6 when this happened. As the cat grew the cat started running up behind her and biting her, or when she was asleep in bed it would jump up on the bed and bite her and run. The abused doing the abusing.

Here's another. My x-bro-in-law was dieing and asked me to take his son in. Because he was gay my evil x refused to have anything to do w/ the child and said NO. The child went into the foster system and when he did he started acting out sexual things on other small children. Why? Coz it was done to him since he was a baby and he didn't know it was wrong. He was 7-8 I think at that time. I was grateful I'd not taken him in, I am sad to say, coz it would have been my kids he would have been acting out on. Not his fault at all. The fault of the abusers. But again the abused becoming abusers.

Honey, what you are doing is normal for the cycle but yes, wrong. Now, let me ask you this... Well first off, you cannot blame yourself for what is happening other than you are still there. Not your fault what has happened to you and not necessarily your fault for goin off on the child the other day (first time). But now that you know and you see... IF you continue on goin off on your child then it will be your fault. AND if you don't get those kids out of this type environment they will go find abusers when they are grown women. It is a fact and I am sorry, but it is. You are a product of what you live in unless you break the cycle.

Please try to find your strength and flee. It is in you. I promise you that, but know you will be in for the fight of your life so I want you to be prepared and strong. Can you gain strength staying?? Out of anger most definitely. Use your anger and do something positive w/ it. Flee w/ your girls.

I hesitate but must bring up something else to you. The longer you wait to flee... The older your girls get... the longer the girls see this behavior of their mom and dad and they get used to it... used to mom bein abused... used to dad bein like dad is... it will be harder to get them to leave. IF they get used to the abuse and are sucked into the cycle too then they also will work, live, and learn to accept the cycle of abuse and will not want to leave dad. Then you have a whole new ball of twine to untangle.

Honey, w/ love I speak to you on this. W/ personal experience I say this to you. W/ nothing but a burning desire to help you out do I tell you this.

(((((armyangel))))). Don't freak out and get upset; instead, get mad and fight. You can do this. But it must be when YOU are ready. Until then and even then I and all the others are here for you.

(((holding you close)))

October 27, 2006
1:53 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Armyangel:

You said.... "I guess these threads are make believe, and stuff, doesn't happen in real life. I should have known that. I will go back to what's real, I'm too confused and I'm driving myself crazy. I'm going to go back to reality. Why did I think it would change???"

Now that totally ticks me off chickie. I'm sorry, but I don't think us "unreal" folks have lived our "unreal" lives just to waste our time sitting here doin our damndest to help you and every other person that crosses our paths. If I had not become ill I'd still be out in the trenches standing between a terrified woman and an overly angry man tellin him to back down. I probably would wind up dead in a ditch as my dad said. But, God decided my time in the trenches was done. So now I'm in my safe place and I'm still doing the work God gives me to do. I really don't appreciate you tellin me that I am a waste of your time.

If you want to live like that it is your decision. IF you truly want the help then those of us here will move heaven and earth best we can thru cyberspace to help you. I cannot stand in front of him but I can find you the laws you need, the shelters to call, and other things you need to arm yourself to fight him. No matter what we do here for you tho it ultimately comes down to YOU have to want this and YOU and to take the action for yourself and your girls.

I'm not trying to be mean, but don't turn and spit on those of us that have put our time into you because we feel you are worth every second we have given. You are worth a handful of gold whether you stay or leave. Only problem is that he keeps taking those little gold nuggets out of your hand and one day there won't be any little nuggest of gold left. When that day comes you will be worthless and he will start taking the gold nuggets your daughters have. That or he'll throw you away and start on the next woman he suckers in. That is what happened to me.

So what will it be then. Keep your nuggets and shine or let him win and beat you into nothing. YOU have been told over and over how valuable you are. It takes 14 positives to undue 1 negative. You need a bunch of positives and I feel you are getting many here. So don't flip out on us and give up. ok... Find your strength and fight. Oh, and don't tell me your gold nuggests are already gone coz I still have to put my sunglasses on at times when I type to you. You do shine; you are strong. You just have to see it yourself.

October 27, 2006
1:57 pm
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needtoheal
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ArmyAngel---

I just want to say hello and I am thinking of you....

You are in my thoughts and prayers ...

I have followed your thread and you are making a lot of progress....

You have a lot of strength and courage....

love,
NEED

October 27, 2006
2:01 pm
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smarterone
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ARMY
I guess when you read in the newspapers the women that are killed by their husbands, it is hard to believe, their family says no not him, he was such a nice guy. But then boom, it all comes out. So why cant we be real. Yes we are concerned and are exactly where you have been and you know what, i wasnt lucky enough to have anyone at that time. But here i am, able to tell someone else to get out. You keep giving him what he wants, a wife that will bend over, be treated like shit, feel so small that she thinks no one would ever want me as a friend. You are doing exactly what he wants. Why should you have your own life, why should you have happiness with your kids, and why should your kids have a normal life. Two parents who share eachother and share a life with their kids.
You know when i hear people talk about their childhood and their memories, and their siblings, and family gatherings, i am so fucken jealous of them, you know what mymemories were, my father making sure i didnt leave the house cuz then my mother wouldnt have anyone there when he wasnt home to make sure she stayed in. You know what holidays were, aunts and uncles and family all beating on their wifes, you know what i did at most nites, made police reports with my bleeding mother and my face all swollen cuz i let my mother go next door to a neighbor. You know how i graduated, i stood outside in line, 17yrs old, cap and gown, parents loooking proudly at their children, my father comes over, asks wheres mom, how am i supposed to know im graduating, pow, punchin the mouth.
So dont tell me who deserves what, just get the strength to save not just you but your kids, they deserve a life. They didnt ask for this sicko for a father.
I know you are getting all she is yelling at me, but you mean something to us, do you want to be just another abuse statistic? Fight for your self. God bless you

October 27, 2006
2:03 pm
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smarterone
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Hey mama, sorry, got carried away. Why havaent you been on brownies post. Camer and i are still keeping it going. Things are looking ok. My son, thank god, is the best thing now. We moved, mikey is looking for a job. Better move fast. Me hanging in there. How you and family and how is Jeff doing. I know from some sites you are not alright. Come home.

October 27, 2006
2:28 pm
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StronginHim77
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Dearest Army,

Don't know when you will get to read this because I know your H is off work for the next 3 days, but I wanted to post anyway. You need to know that I am following your thread, that I care deeply about your peace and well-being and that I will NEVER turn against you, no matter WHAT you share, what you do or what you decide.

About "losing it" and raging at your daughter...I have done exactly the same thing. More than once, too. With both of my sons (now 21 and 17). Their late father was an abusive alcoholic. He would have me so frustrated, so hurt, so angry, so upset that I would take it out on my sons from time to time. Both of my boys have ADD, so forgetting assignments, losing important items, etc.was a oommon happenstance around our house. And occasionally, I would lose it and find myself hollering at one of them for maybe 20 minutes. Just went on & on... Was that wrong? Yes. Was I verbally abusing them? Yes. Have they forgiven me? Yes. Did I tell them how wrong it was of me and how sorry I was? Yes. Each and every time.

I think that abuse causes us -- in turn -- to abuse. And as soon as we see the pattern, we need to do something about it. I finally got counseling. Also, medication to help me remain calm when I was overwhelmed. You have a good conscience and a good heart. That is why you feel terrible about it. I will tell you this: there will come a day when you will hear from your own children's mouths that they knew all about the abuse. Witnessed it. Heard it. My sons certainly witnessed it and heard it. There came a point when my oldest son actually stepped in between his late father and me, to save me from getting physically hurt. So, our kids do get caught up in the abuse cycle. They know all about it, even when we tell ourselves that they don't.

You can fix it. What you did is NOT irreparable. It will take therapy...professional help. And -- ultimately -- you will have to break the "silence rule" that has been imposed on you by your abusive husband. You aren't ready to do that, yet. It sure took me a long time. But, eventually, I told the world. Even his family. They didn't want to believe me, but I still told the truth. His employees and his kids and my church-friends believed me. And they all stood by me.

So, deep breaths. Forgive yourself. You lost it. Ok. Move on. It is in the past. Tomorrow is a new day and you are in the process of gaining strength, so that you can change.

I am really proud of you.

(((((((HUGS)))))))

- Ma Strong

October 27, 2006
2:31 pm
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Shaney
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army -

So many people here have given long, heartfelt, thoughtful posts - stuffed with great information and helpful suggestions. I know that it feels great to be understood and coddled when you're feeling low, but I think it would be really helpful if you really processed some of this information, and responded to it thoughtfully. I guess that I just wonder if you're hearing the truth here, and not just soaking in the hugs and good wishes. There's a time to pick yourself up and listen to hard facts - then do something about it. We can get caught up in just wallowing in our own "why mes" and "I can'ts" - but the real healing is going to begin only when you acknowledge and accept what's been said to you here. I know you're scared... but have you made an attempt to talk to your daughter? Are you planning on seeking therapy, or is that completely out of the question? You have to start somewhere, and this place is a great place for that - it's a start. But these great people, although helpful in many many ways, can't turn your situation around - you have to do that.

Now, I think that this thread is beginning to frustrate me, and I'm sorry - but I have just seen my mother through an abusive situation and know that it takes action. When I don't see any action, it frustrates me, because I know first hand, the damage it can do. I hope you take action soon, before this gets any worse. I wish the best for you - but I can't stand by here and watch another woman being abused and not doing anything about it. I'm sorry, it's my own issue, and I truly do hope you find the strength to leave.

October 27, 2006
2:35 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Ma:

Beautiful posting. Makes me feel bad I have a bit of a temper from frustration at times. You are named correct.. Ma Strong. I am always proud to read you posts and at times, like now, feel bad about mine. Thanks Ma

Armyangel:

I apologize. I get frustrated and sometimes forget how hard it was. Also, the girl that helped me did a lot of butt-kickin so that's the way I was taught.

You will reach the day you are ready. Until then... if i mouth off know in advance I apologize. I just want you and your girls out and well. Having to work thru the computer instead of in person can be frustrating. So, again I apologize and send you (((BIG HUGS))) and ask forgiveness even if i did mean what i said. I just said it in the wrong way.

I too am very PROUD of you and the progress you have made so far.

October 27, 2006
9:03 pm
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kasie919
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ArmyAngel:

Hey my cyber sister, this wont be long, as im not feeling well,

My heart bleeds out for you, things will come together, your seeing the truth for what he really is now, your eyes are opening, its very hurtfull at firstm and then you will turn it into anger..

Once you reach that level, you will go, you will be happy to be free..

Babygirl, im sure in the future there would be some one in htis world, thatwould give you the love and respect you so deserve..

Dont give up on that as a dream ok..

I have to go, its been a long hard day for me, im really not feeling well, I will check in when i can..

I love you, my friend, dont give up, your gona be so so fine..

Kasie

October 28, 2006
12:27 am
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smarterone
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im one of the big mouths, but there is a reason, please please know we care about u

October 28, 2006
10:57 pm
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kasie919
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Army:

You said:
You guys tell me I'm not stupid and worthless and pathetic. But this is fantasy, this isn't real.

I guess these threads are make believe, and stuff, doesn't happen in real life. I should have known that. I will go back to what's real, I'm too confused and I'm driving myself crazy. I'm going to go back to reality. Why did I think it would change???

You guys probably think I'm nuts a freak who is up on minute and down the next. What a sorry person I am...

Kassie, Mamacin, MA Strong...Maybe in real life, I'll meet some folks like you, if not maybe in my afterlife...

Really? you think this is a fairytale world???

Ok this is reality, and im sorry to give it to you this way, but here goes..

I have spent my whole life defending myself againstr abuse..
My father who would beat me, drag me down the stpes, lock me in a coat closet becasue i was a head banger, he hated me, never wanted me, and used every mean he could think of to put me through hell...

My sister, who punched me in my face the day i got brought home, broke my nose, i had surgery 6 time to fix the nasal cavities...new born..

My oldest brother, my best frined and protector, dies when i was 13, i have a nervouse breakdown, get put into a a hospital... My mom,, she was the only visitor i ever had the whole time...

I get put into foster home, my forster parents anuse the hell out of me I wind up with 220 stitches and staples and a huge scar for what??? becasue my FATHER never wanted me..

I come home, at 16 my mother is standing in the driveway with my bags, in TEARS!! because she has to kick me out, my dad no longer want s me and my sister living under the same roof..I get forced into living with a beast of a man, in the MILITARY A POLICE OFFICER!!!! married 6 months, he beat the hell out of me with a phone, broke and shatterd my jaw, i was in the hospital 3 months, jaw wired more than 6, plastic surgery after surgery,,I can still see the scars today..I was bulemic, i was suicidle, he was AWAL.. it took several months for the police to hunt him down..
MY mother was the only one who ever came to visit, who told me she loved me, who ALSO TOOK ABUSE FROM MY FATHER!!! HE DROVE HER TO KILL HERSELF!!! I HATE HIM, I HATE ME EX HUSBANDS!!!

October 28, 2006
10:57 pm
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kasie919
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Army:

You said:
You guys tell me I'm not stupid and worthless and pathetic. But this is fantasy, this isn't real.

I guess these threads are make believe, and stuff, doesn't happen in real life. I should have known that. I will go back to what's real, I'm too confused and I'm driving myself crazy. I'm going to go back to reality. Why did I think it would change???

You guys probably think I'm nuts a freak who is up on minute and down the next. What a sorry person I am...

Kassie, Mamacin, MA Strong...Maybe in real life, I'll meet some folks like you, if not maybe in my afterlife...

Really? you think this is a fairytale world???

Ok this is reality, and im sorry to give it to you this way, but here goes..

I have spent my whole life defending myself againstr abuse..
My father who would beat me, drag me down the stpes, lock me in a coat closet becasue i was a head banger, he hated me, never wanted me, and used every mean he could think of to put me through hell...

My sister, who punched me in my face the day i got brought home, broke my nose, i had surgery 6 time to fix the nasal cavities...new born..

My oldest brother, my best frined and protector, dies when i was 13, i have a nervouse breakdown, get put into a a hospital... My mom,, she was the only visitor i ever had the whole time...

I get put into foster home, my forster parents anuse the hell out of me I wind up with 220 stitches and staples and a huge scar for what??? becasue my FATHER never wanted me..

I come home, at 16 my mother is standing in the driveway with my bags, in TEARS!! because she has to kick me out, my dad no longer want s me and my sister living under the same roof..I get forced into living with a beast of a man, in the MILITARY A POLICE OFFICER!!!! married 6 months, he beat the hell out of me with a phone, broke and shatterd my jaw, i was in the hospital 3 months, jaw wired more than 6, plastic surgery after surgery,,I can still see the scars today..I was bulemic, i was suicidle, he was AWAL.. it took several months for the police to hunt him down..
MY mother was the only one who ever came to visit, who told me she loved me, who ALSO TOOK ABUSE FROM MY FATHER!!! HE DROVE HER TO KILL HERSELF!!! I HATE HIM, I HATE ME EX HUSBANDS!!!

October 28, 2006
10:59 pm
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kasie919
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Sorry hit the stupid button again!!

Listen Army, my point here is THIS IS REALITY, THIS IF FOR REAL, i HAVE BEEN BEATEN, ALMOST TO DEATH NOT ONCE 3 TIMES,

nOW IF YOU THINK THAT I LIVED IN A FAIRYTALE WORL FINE....

October 28, 2006
11:08 pm
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kasie919
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Army I am hurt and sad that you must think we are all stupid and basically lying to you..
These arent fairytales, and this isnt made up shit,I have pleanty of scars to prove it..

truth is it has taken me 20 plus years to see i have to be the one getting out, i had to get up off my ass, walk out that door and JUST DO IT !!

I havent the perfect life, and its not easy being out here on my own, in fact i am scaired to death, more than that..

most recent days have lefet me very hurt, betrayed and very very sad.. I have NO ONE.. except these wonderful kind people here who love and care for all of us, not even knowing our real names, or real looks.. most are non judgemental, most are in worse situations as i am .. like you!!

So please, please dont think that we are just blowing smoke up your ass, casue that aint the case my cyber sister,

If i knew hwo you were, where you lived, and all about you, id be ther right now, i dont give a rats ass about you being on the other side of the country, i would kick your husbands ass, then i would kick yours straight to a shelter...

better yet, id kick you all the way back here to my state so that jack ass of a husband you keep sticking up for could never find you...

yeah im pissed off, you are WRONG about this site, we arent fairy princess in a dream this shit is real...

Im sorry i had to be like this, but reall army, what every one is trying to tell you..is this..

GET UP, GET DRESSED, GET THOSE KIDS...

AND...

GET THE HELL OUT!!!!

BEFORE HE KILLS YOU, OR YOUR KIDS..

October 28, 2006
11:18 pm
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kasie919
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an yes in advance before any one jumps my case, im sorry for being harsh,

I love you army, now you know why im so coneected to you..

he was a ploice officerm just like the shoes you wear now..

i almost died!! thank GOD i had no children...

please thinka bout this..

think of the smiles and giggles you used to have,

how about hugs from the kids, or your family that has been alienated?

or how about walking into church and feeling blessed because you could o there freely??

isnt that what you really want? stand up, dial a number, go to a shelter.. please..

Im sorry if you think i was cruel, but it is for real, i stil feel those blows today, and ewvery day i look into a mirror imreminded..and now its even worse..

I love you my cyber sister, please please forgive me but i had to spill..

kasie

October 28, 2006
11:45 pm
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Shaney
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(((kasie))) Sending hugs and understanding your way, girlfriend.

October 29, 2006
1:08 pm
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smarterone
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Wow, who says we are weak, we are the best of the best. Heres to all my girls.

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