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anybody heard from army?
October 26, 2006
3:38 pm
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armyleo
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MamaC you said "you just abused your daughter"

NO, NO, NO...Why did I do that??

I can't stand myself...I'm and Idiot, crazy, and stupid!!!

October 26, 2006
3:40 pm
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armyleo
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IF HE FINDS OUTS HE WILL TAKE THEM AWAY FROM ME!!!

October 26, 2006
4:10 pm
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Shaney
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You've been given a lot of good advice on how to begin to change your situation, but you seem to just pass on it or not even acknowledge it. I know you're scared, but now that this is really starting to affect your own children, when are you going to take the steps necessary to save yourself, AND your kids? It's just my own personal feeling, and my own opinion based soley on what you've written, that you've grown used to this sort of drama. And since you are used to it, maybe you tend to thrive on it in some way. I don't know, just a thought.. But in any case, you really do need to see a couselor.

October 26, 2006
5:21 pm
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armyleo
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Shaney,

I don't understand... Your first post was helpful and understanding..No I didn't realize that I would do the very thing that was done to me...I'm still in shock.

and this last post... Well to be honest it makes me feel like sh&&&t.

You said..."you've grown used to this sort of drama. And since you are used to it, maybe you tend to thrive on it in some way".

I sorry I'm not as smart as everyone else here who has gotten out or was able to get out, I'm sorry for being stupid, I'm sorry I can't just walk out...Don't you think I would if I could???

October 26, 2006
6:16 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Armyangel:

HE is gonna tqke the kids from you?? Get real here ok. This is why you must speak up about what he has done to you. I think the term is "abused wife syndrome"? Someone correct me if I got that wrong.

I am gonna tell you something that I swear to you I have never ever let leave my lips until this moment. I am so ashamed of what I did. I was afraid of myself. I couldn't stop. When my evil x abused me I used to beat on our dog. That dog was my baby. Slept w/ us, went in the truck w/ us, was my baby. I didn't try to hurt the dog. She did somethign wrong and I spanked her but I didn't stop. I wanted to stop; I knew what was happening but I could not. I know this is a dog not a child. But Army it is the same thing. I loved my pup and I hurt her till she shook when she saw me and that hurt even more. I got to the point when she shook I'd throw something at her. Nothing to hurt her, but I was hurting her. There I said it. This happened 25 years ago. Thank God it was a pup and not a child. And to this day I cannot understand why the evil was in me and I did that. I will also tell you I have never beaten my children. I walked if I felt anger coming.

Maybe you could remove yourself. Put something in the bathroom under the sink and then if you feel the rage coming go lock yourself in the bathroom and beat the crap out of the pillow or something that you hid. Hit it until you cannot hit anymore. Redirect your rage to an object instead of your child.

A thought just crossed my mind. A thought for all to ponder and maybe answer. Ma Strong please help w/ this one and Ladeska or any others. I welcome everyone's opinion here. Do you think the abuser drives you to hurt your children on purpose so they can take them away from you? or so that you are no better than the abuser himself/herself? I really would like to know.

(sorry, good song came on so I had to stop and dance w/ my youngest. we have our fun)

Armyangel.... he is pulling you into the next stage of the game. A very sick game and he is forcing you to play and you are allowing it because you won't say I QUIT and walk/run away. I'm not trying to make you feel bad here. I just want you to see what is happening. What the next stage he is pulling you into is.

((((( holding you close )))))

October 26, 2006
6:16 pm
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Shaney
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I'm sorry if that last post made you feel like shit. I didn't mean to do that, and I'm very sorry. I was just making an observation based on what I read - and it's soley my take on things, which could be very wrong - or have an inkling of truth in it. People grow used to drama, just like they grow used to abuse. As hard as it may be for them, it becomes comfortable, in a situational sort of way. For example, many people who were abused by their parents, grow up choosing partners who do the same thing to them. They become used to a certain level of drama. When there's no drama, they look for it, or create it. It's a cycle. But in no way did I mean for that post to suggest that you're stupid or not smart enough to leave. I would NEVER say such a thing to anyone. I can only imagine how difficult it must be. But at the same time, there are things that you can do - like therapy. Especially when you begin to question not only the actions of your husband, but now your OWN actions toward your children. You can't control your husbands behaviour, but you can absolutely takes steps to control yours. By talking to someone who is qualified to guide you, you can eventually begin to sort this stuff out. You realize it's out of control... you see it, and FEEL it ten fold. If you can't see yourself leaving anytime soon, which I KNOW isn't easy, all that I'm saying, is try to take some sort of step towards real help, other than just absorbing all of this turmoil and trying to deal with it yourself.

October 26, 2006
6:34 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Armyangel:

I know some things that are said are very hard to handle. They truly are. I want to say to you tho... I know Shaney didn't mean in any way to make you feel stupid. But honey, read what she wrote again. She is telling you the truth. This is how the cycle works. And I have to totally agree w/ her that you can do something about your actions even if you cannot about his. Army, nobody is here to hurt you. I had to face this very same truth when I was still in the fire. We all have to. It's just a fact of life. We have all had to face what Shaney is saying to you. It hurts. That's why you take offense to it. Hang in there Army, you are growing.

(((( holding you close still ))))

October 26, 2006
6:44 pm
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armyleo
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I'm here feeling awful for my behavior

October 26, 2006
6:59 pm
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Shaney
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Thanks mammaC :o)... and sorry once again, army for hurting your feelings. It would be so much easier to actually SAY what we want, with all of the expression and tone of our voices - but the written word is all we have here, and sometimes the meaning of what I'm saying gets lost. Sorry.

I did want to mention that I know what it's like to be married to a city employee. I'm married to a fire captian and he comes home with the same sort of baggage as your husband does. It takes a delicate balance at home - no doubt. And that's not always easy to achieve. My h may come home after a rough shift and snap at me from time to time... but always has an enormous amount of remorse afterwards. He apologizes and it never escalates - thank goodness. As supportive and as understanding as I am, it still happens. It's not my fault - I couldn't do anything any differently, or better... it's just him, dealing the best he can. My point to all this, is that I can't control him or his actions. I can't control what he sees, or goes through during a shift, and I can't change it or make it any better. It's his baggage and I can either live with it or not. It's all about what you can tolerate or live with, really. I have chosen to live with it, because I know he will never have such a bad day, that his ocassional snap will turn to abuse. If it did, I couldn't live with it. I think you deserve better than you're getting right now, regardless of the occupation that he has. His occupation has nothing to do with you and it certainly doesn't give him the right to take a bad shift out on you. I think, that in time you'll come to realize all of this - hopefully sooner than later.

October 26, 2006
7:54 pm
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armyleo
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It seems like since I've come on this site ~4 weeks go, it's been a roller coaster ride with my emotions, I think what's hard is I probably had them before, but since I'm talking about them I'm becoming aware of them.

Why does it have to hurt more, when one wants to just get better?

I just don't think I'm strong enough right now, I'm a mess.

Shaney - your right sometimes it's hard with only words, because there is no expression and tone of voice.

Thanks for your support today. I guess i did something new today... Normally I would not say anything if someone hurt my feeling or said something to me, I would just walk away and hold it inside me and it would fester and fester, then I would become madder and resentful. But maybe because I was already upset, I said something, and you didn't get mad, you just re-explained what I didn't see, and because of that I no longer have that built up.

Wow I'm learning to communicate!!!

October 26, 2006
7:57 pm
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mamacinnamon
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(((armyangel)))

You are growing up honey. Learning there is another way to life than what you've had all along. Wonderful isn't it.

October 26, 2006
8:42 pm
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cyndra820
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(((Army Angel)))

I think practicing time outs for you when you get angry with your children is a good thing.

I know it's hard when they do something to drive you insane, but we have to show them how to act.

Do you practice any relaxation techniques? I practice guided meditations and they help a great deal. I don't know what would work for you, but seek and ye shall find.

I know you want to be a great mother. I know that it is hard. I know you will continue to try. The first step is awareness.

Gee, am I helping at all tonight?

Love,
Cyndra

October 26, 2006
9:00 pm
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armyleo
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Relaxation techniques? MamaCin, brought up that word, last time I was in the middle of a crisis.

Didn't speak up because I thought it would be dumb if I asked. But since this is my 2nd or 3rd crisis. Maybe I better learn what they are.

Cyndra & Mamacin, if you have some can you tell me?

October 26, 2006
9:09 pm
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kasie919
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Army Angel:

Ok, I have finally read over this post..

Which in fact i think you should re-read over, take a good look girl, YOU ARE MAKING BIG BIG PROGRESS SISTER!!!!!!!!!!

Oh I know you think you cant see it, but you are...

Listen, girls can be the most difficult to raise, we all go through that procrastination faze knowing our parents are gonna have a fit because we waited until the last minute, hell i used to do it, just to hear my dad say something , anything!!

Once when my daughter was about 8, she pissed me off big time, i forgot what it was she had done, but i think it had to do with cleaning her room, shes a slob, cant clean to save her ass, still today at 21 cant clean, she needs a friggen maid, any way, she goes out and hangs with her friends, liek she was done cleaning her room, it was still a mess, I freaked out!! and yell, hell yes i did, im italian, with a hot head and a temper!! I started with the dresser, totally destoyed it!! dumped every piece of clothing in it, bitching the whole time, turned over her bed, YUK dirty dishes!!!! turn around and ther she is, i flipped, and went to slam the door, um forgot to move my hand, and BAM!! broke two fingers, and a bone in my hand!!! pissed off?? you think you were pissed off??? explain that senerio to the emergency room, they thought i was nuts!!!

after that, when i finally got into therapy, my doctor gave me a big pillow and a tennis racket, i beat the hell out of that pillow until the stuffing came out, and cried.. hell there was enough water there to fill a bath tub...

Thing is, I learned, never to take my anger out that way, not to my daughter, an not to anyone, i have been beaten so much in my life, if i rasie a hand i reflect ever ounce of pain i have endured, so i can stop and think now...

Especially wiht my son, going through all this again, i have made many mistakes, and proabably will continue, but now when i get upset or angry, i either slama door, cry, or laugh my ass off, until my son laughs right with me....

I take him to the park after school on the days when i know we have had rough mornings, hes forgotten, but i never do, but i allow him to run, scream, or say how he feels at that time, then we hug, and go home, leaving it all at the park...

Your doing fine, Angel!! your making steps, you cant see them but we can, sometimes, it takes alot of harsh words KNOWING

October 26, 2006
9:10 pm
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kasie919
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Army Angel:

Ok, I have finally read over this post..

Which in fact i think you should re-read over, take a good look girl, YOU ARE MAKING BIG BIG PROGRESS SISTER!!!!!!!!!!

Oh I know you think you cant see it, but you are...

Listen, girls can be the most difficult to raise, we all go through that procrastination faze knowing our parents are gonna have a fit because we waited until the last minute, hell i used to do it, just to hear my dad say something , anything!!

Once when my daughter was about 8, she pissed me off big time, i forgot what it was she had done, but i think it had to do with cleaning her room, shes a slob, cant clean to save her ass, still today at 21 cant clean, she needs a friggen maid, any way, she goes out and hangs with her friends, liek she was done cleaning her room, it was still a mess, I freaked out!! and yell, hell yes i did, im italian, with a hot head and a temper!! I started with the dresser, totally destoyed it!! dumped every piece of clothing in it, bitching the whole time, turned over her bed, YUK dirty dishes!!!! turn around and ther she is, i flipped, and went to slam the door, um forgot to move my hand, and BAM!! broke two fingers, and a bone in my hand!!! pissed off?? you think you were pissed off??? explain that senerio to the emergency room, they thought i was nuts!!!

after that, when i finally got into therapy, my doctor gave me a big pillow and a tennis racket, i beat the hell out of that pillow until the stuffing came out, and cried.. hell there was enough water there to fill a bath tub...

Thing is, I learned, never to take my anger out that way, not to my daughter, an not to anyone, i have been beaten so much in my life, if i rasie a hand i reflect ever ounce of pain i have endured, so i can stop and think now...

Especially wiht my son, going through all this again, i have made many mistakes, and proabably will continue, but now when i get upset or angry, i either slama door, cry, or laugh my ass off, until my son laughs right with me....

I take him to the park after school on the days when i know we have had rough mornings, hes forgotten, but i never do, but i allow him to run, scream, or say how he feels at that time, then we hug, and go home, leaving it all at the park...

Your doing fine, Angel!! your making steps, you cant see them but we can, sometimes, it takes alot of harsh words KNOWING WHAT THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE HERE ARE ONLY TRYING TO HELP.

October 26, 2006
9:11 pm
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iM SORRY I PUSHED THE STUPID KEY TWICE....

SORRY

October 26, 2006
9:18 pm
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armyleo
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Oh Kassie!!!! I'm so glad your back, I fricking lost it today. I started a post for you and kept bumping it everyday.

You have to promise not to disappear, take a break but let us know!!!

By the way how are you doing??? I'll see if you posted on your thread.

Gosh it feels like my long lost cyber sister is back!!!

Cyndra, meet Kassie, she's wonderful and is many steps ahead of me...I hope you get a chance to chat.

Your cyber sister,
ArmyAngel

October 26, 2006
9:26 pm
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Shaney
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Hey army - I'm glad that you spoke up too... and it didn't seem like you did it in anger - your words were constructive and I didn't take offense to them at all. GREAT! Small steps, girlfriend, are better than no steps.

October 26, 2006
9:27 pm
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kasie919
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Angel,

We take steps, it gets hard all the time, But you my dear cyber sister, your doing wonderful, your gona make it..

have you made up with your daughter? have you spoken about what happened?

You know I think the more anger we bottle up, its like a soda shaken, we explode, for any ungiven reason, we are time bombs just waiting, so take deep deep breathes, look at the kids when they make you angry, is it that they are testing you? which i figure your oldest should be doing about that age, and the younger one, she already knew you were gona blow, why do you think she waited so long to tell you,

they are walking on egg shells around both of ther parents, thats not fair is it???

You step out ther girl, you can do it, I have all the faith in the world in you,

Like Ive told you, I have walked in those shoes my friend, your imte is coming, soooner than you think, stick with it!!!!

YOU GO!!! Smile my friend, look at those girls, and know that they do love you...
And i bet the minute you walk out of that house and into a new life, they will BOTH tell you how proud they are of you....

Your gona be fine Army I promise...

kasie

October 26, 2006
9:36 pm
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kasie919
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An yes I did promise i wont leave you, If i feel as if im to down and shouldnt post I will let you know,

im sorry you were worried, it wasnt fair of me, but i really was a mess, and didnt want you to feel the pain i was having knowing you had your own..

Make any sence??hope so

So tell me, hows it going now??

you are really opening up, and thats good, there are alot of people here who can give you awesom advice, and learn to trust,

anything you say, no one wil take in offence as long as you are saying it in your own honest way,

your a truly wonderful person, and you are learning to comunicate so well, and i bet you, any thing, your speaking up, in small steps at home arent you???

remember the kahunas gotta grow slowly!!!!!

Love ya cyber sister.....

Kasie

October 26, 2006
9:48 pm
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Im gona go now, its late here, ive taken some pain medicine,

write your journal, i will look for it tomorrow..

Take care my sister...

your gona be ok...

promise..

tiny small steps, bigger kahunas!!! hahaha!!!

laugh, love, live...

Kasie

October 26, 2006
10:15 pm
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armyleo
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I'm sorry I missed you went to make dinner. we're on opposite time zones!!!

Thanks for the boost of confidence, I feel better right now but I was a wreck today.

Mama, said something about "abused wife syndrome" Kind of scarry because, it's not the first time I have done that to the girls, but it's the first time I couldn't stop. It scares me because if they would have been with me 5 more minutes, I don't know what I would have done.

I know I need to talk to my girls, but i'm scared, I feel awful because of what happened. I feel like I'm doing the same thing my H is doing, being bad and then apologizing, and saying I love you. But that is exactly what I'm feeling... Which is scary. But mamacin, said that they look to me for strength.. boy I failed big time, but maybe I can change.

October 26, 2006
11:23 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Armyangel:

I think talking to the girls about this is a WONDERFUL idea. Yes, do it soon.

I posted the relaxation technique to you on another thread, but i cannot remember which. I'll post them here again.

October 26, 2006
11:26 pm
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mamacinnamon
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RELAXATION TECHNIQUE

Lay down on bed or in recliner. Someplace quiet and not w/ disturbances around.

Breathe in the nose and out the mouth slowly and taking deep breathes,

First tense up your forehead and count to 3 and then relax it. Telling your pain. "Pain you are leaving my forehead. You are flowing out of my body".

Then tense up your eyes, count to 3 and then relax it. Saying the same as above.

Then tense up your nose, count to 3, then relax and say above.

Then tense up your jaw, count to 3, then relax and say above.

Be sure you are doing your breathing.

Then tense up your neck, shoulders, arms, hands, and fingers, doing each individual part of your body as above. Tense, count 3, relax, say to pain, and breathe.

Then go back up and again do your shoulders. Tense up, count to 3, relax, speak to pain, breathe.

Then do your chest, stomach, abdomen, butt, thighs, knees, calves, feet, and toes.

Always do each part of your body separately: tense, count to 3, relax and tell pain to leave. Don't forget your breathing.

Then when all parts of the body are done, just lay there and continue breathing; in nose, out mouth, deep breaths.

Now imagine your body is floating on a cloud. How light it feels, just floating calmly, etc. Do this for 10 min minimum or as long as you want. I usually fall asleep at this point. That's ok too.

Hope it works for you.

Linda

October 27, 2006
1:08 am
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smarterone
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army, i have been with you all along. I started this thread looking for you. I was being tormented by your pain. About the kids, are they old enough to sit down, like friends and ask them, Do they realize what is going on. What do they think. What do they wish for their life. Would they like to have a happy life. Feel them out, let them explain how they feel and you will be surprised how much you will learn. Then you realize priorities. If they go against you, just leave out things you dont want them to know, like when you have the strength to leave or make emergency plans. Do you know what that is? When i joined a victims abuse org. thru the court. I was told to always have some kind of small suitcase or overniter, with some clothes (all of u) important documents. Birth cert.,id,ss card,copyof marriage cert. Save a little money put in there. Telephone book with important names and addresses. Extra toothbrush. Really, this way if the times come in an emerg. pick up the bag and run. I know this is all scary to you. Get real, how long is he taking over your life. Do you want the kids to think this is the way their lives should be. Sooner or later, they will be noticed that behavior in school is strange and be asked by a counselor or someone, and it will be checked into. That may be a good thing for you. I just hope that you get the strength to ask the Lord to help you. You'll see. We all see something coming out of you. You are getting curious. We have you under our wing.
Make alist of what you feel is the positive things you have in this life and the negatives. I know that i can picture it now. God Bless you

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