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anybody heard from army?
October 24, 2006
8:21 am
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You're OK, ArmyLeo.

I am sorry I go "rambling" so badly when I just want to put something out here that will help you.

I talked about how much each of us want and need respect.

Well, you are able to react and defend yourself against your daughters' disrespect. You get angry with them and say stuff back when they disrespect you. I'd say you still expect respect from them and still have self-respect.

Somebody once told me that ANGER is NEVER the first emotion.

That anger is always the cover up for the underlying feeling -- disappointment, frustration, hurt, etc. Imagine all your interactions without the anger part. What would the issues be then?

October 24, 2006
7:21 pm
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smarterone
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Army if you cant talk to us and trust us, think, who exactly do you have?

October 24, 2006
10:20 pm
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armyleo
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I'm sorry for getting mad.. I can't deal with my emotions...I guess I need to get them under control. Along with the rest of me.

Smarterone - Your right, I guess I have issues with trust... Sad, but your right I don't have anyone to turn to now.

Brynnie - You taught me something I didn't realize it but your right, there is an underlying reason for one's anger.

Jenni - Thick walls yes I have always had them!!!! Have never let anyone in. They protect me. can't let anyone hurt me.

gg- sorry I was a bad friend...I left you hanging the other day.

free - you gave me some hope... hopefully I won't loose my girls.

mamacin - It's me who should apologize, you have been through this you know the pain and hurt, yet despite this you continue to help, you continue to feel the bruises, punches, and beating that we have been through and continue to endure. You were just trying to help.

mama, I know this sounds stupid, but I've never had help or someone to listen to me, or even someone I could share, or talk to until this site.

So it's hard for me to trust I guess, and accept help. I guess I think it's going to make me weak, and as far as trusting people I have my H as an example which is not a very good example.

I'll come back later or tomorrow if anyone is up. I need to compose myself right now.

October 24, 2006
10:35 pm
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Jenni
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(((armyangel)))

I'm glad you came back, Sweetie. And I'm so sorry for your pain. Seeking help would not be considered weak at all. Infact, it show a great amount of strength! Because darn it, it's HARD to do that, and anyone who does do this, (seek help), should be commended for courage.

Army, you had the guts to start posting here. You did it, and you've learned how to share your feelings.

Next would be to share these things with someone in person. Yes, it's scary. DAMN scary! But Honey, you wouldn't be sorry in the long run.

(((HUGS))) to you!!! And keep posting here. We care!

Jen

October 25, 2006
2:27 am
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free
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Hi army!

You wrote that it's hard for you to trust and accept help. Gosh, I deal with this issue to this day, years after escaping an abusive marriage. It's just that, well, I hate to say this, but, I'm gonna, at the risk of sounding arrogant-

I can survive when I'm doing it on my own. When I let people "help", then it just seems like there ends up being more to fix and tend to.

free

October 25, 2006
1:16 pm
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StronginHim77
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Army -

I was so very, very relieved to see you back. You are part of our Family here and we would miss and worry about you so much, if you stopped posting.

Love,

Ma Strong

October 25, 2006
2:25 pm
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armyleo
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Ma Strong - I posted this reply to you a couple of days ago..on another thread you must have missed it..

you said ..."Right now, you are exhausted. And even your children are beginning to "copy" him and mistreat and disrespect you. You are not feeling strong enough yet to stand up to them and discipline them."

You know he sees it because they will yell and scream at me when he's around etc... The oldest will tell me to "Be quite... Shut up.." etc..He says It's my fault they are like that... It make me sadder because he will not back me up. He will not tell them to not do that, or to respect me. I don't know what to do at times.

Oh sometimes my anger is so bad, at them... But what I hate is that I don't scream and yell at my H... but when he screams and yells, and is mad at me, I end up taking it out on the girls sometimes...I can't punish them they have been through alot I guess...

Thanks for taking the time to write...

Sometimes I wish I could talk to you more, you know the stress & life that police live...It's accumulated over the years...The death, they see and abuse they take...

He says he can find me...that I can't hide... etc.

I crazy huh one minute I'm thinking of him, and what he's going through and the next I'm scared???

October 25, 2006
5:09 pm
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StronginHim77
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Army -

Yes. I do understand the "flip/flop" thinking. One minute, you are dreading him because he abuses you and is probably very unpredictable about what will trigger him. The next minute, you understand what has contributed to making him cruel and abusive.

However, let me clarify something. ALL police officers are subjected to a great deal of stress, violence and trauma because of their work. BUT, only a small percentage become violent with their loved ones. Alcoholism, sexual addictions and drug use are common. Spousal abuse is less common. From what I have seen, the stress of their vocation will EXPOSE OR INTENSIFY any serious weakness which they ALREADY HAVE. In other words, there are certain people who should NOT be in police work, the military or any calling which exposes them to such vocational stresses AND empowers them (gives them the authority) to control others thru the intimidation of their uniforms, weapons, civil authority, etc.

Does this make sense?

We cannot excuse what these police officers or members of the armed forces do because of their occupation. We must simply WEED OUT those who do not belong in this position of trust because they do not have the character and temperment to handle the stress without abusing others.

Any officer who abuses a loved one needs professional intervention, immediately. Should they fail to receive such intervention (because many loved ones are afraid to report the abuse to their C.O.), the abuse will escalate and frequently overlap into their professional realm, winding up with serious, legal consequences.

As far as him threatening you if you tell? That is something which must be reported to his C.O., as well. It is a blatant and illegal abuse of his position with the force and his C.O. would NOT take it lightly. It is serious. By the way, it is against the law to threaten another human being with bodily harm. Did you know that?

He would NOT DARE to "find you" or do anything to harm you or your children, once his C.O. is informed of the situation. It would not only cost him his job; it would also land him in prison.

- Ma Strong

October 25, 2006
5:16 pm
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cyndra820
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Army,

I am so glad to see you!!! I am glad you are posting.

As for seeking help, it is not easy to open up and I'm sure you are scared of what might come out. All those emotions bottled up. But is keeping them inside healthy for YOU? Are you like a bottle of soda being shaken too much? Don't you think you might explode?

I don't want that for you. I want you to find a safe place to let out all of those emotions that are eating at you.

Anger does come from somewhere. You have lived under such strain. I worry about you. Yes, I know I barely know you, but I worry about you. I look for your posts and am so happy when I see them. Don't worry about not knowing what to say, or saying negative thins. WE ARE HERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT!! I want you to believe that deep in your heart. We are here for you.

So, anytime you want to vent, get angry with us, scream, yell, whatever we're here for you. So, let her rip!!

Regards,
Cyndra

October 25, 2006
5:37 pm
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smarterone
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Army, so glad to see you responding to us. I know how confused, hurt, angry, sad, all the feelings that really take a toll on you. Sometimes you just hate repeating it ovre and over but sometimes, when you reread it. You really think, is that what i am going thru. Stay around honey, we will all be here for you.

October 25, 2006
5:44 pm
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armyleo
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Ma Strong,

I love him, and he would literally kill himself if he couldn't do what he does.... He is good out on the streets...

It's me who has trouble adjusting to his schedule and work, and stress of not knowing whether he will make it home everynight. Stress of him being out on the night operations.. Stress of him having irregular shifts, then having to show up at court 3 hours later, Him not having a regular job, where he can do kid activities etc...

No, I didn't know threatening was against the law...

EVERYONE is making me face something...I can't do it yet, I'm sorry. I'm sorry If I let you down..I love him

I'm so pathetic, he deserves someone better than me, maybe if he had someone else he would be happy..

See it's me who's a mess, I depressed for days and then I get a burst of energy and then I'm back to being depressed. I'm the problem around here..

October 25, 2006
6:05 pm
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cyndra820
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Army Angel,

Please listen carefully. Can you hear me? Good! YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS, PATHETIC, OR A MESS!!

Honey, you are doing the best you can. If you aren't ready you aren't letting anyone down. It takes time.

Was he a cop when you were dating and got married? Did you not know what it meant? I don't mean to sound cold, but if you did you knew what his schedule would be like.

He may be good on the streets, but is he good to you? Is he good to your children? Is he good FOR you? Don't you and them deserve the best? I KNOW you do.

Yes, you love him, but love is NOT enough. We need more than an emotion to sustain our souls. You deserve peace at home. Your children deserve a stable environment.

I want you to be safe AND happy. I don't want you to have to endure anymore suffering. I know the choices are hard and it's tearing you apart. You take care of yourself and your children.

Love,
Cyndra

October 25, 2006
6:10 pm
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armyleo
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No he wasn't a cop, he was a waiter, very romantic, he would work a split shift and then in between his shifts we would walk to the local park and he'd take his guitar and he would play and sing...Very romantic...We didn't have much but we were happy.

October 25, 2006
6:31 pm
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armyleo
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Why is it that you can be doing so well, and then someone says something, and your throat constricts your eyes get misty and your back to the crying and downer mood.

Someone said something right now at work. An expense statement I did for someone got rejected, so I wrote a little comment e-mail on the guys behalf to straighten it out. Well my explanation gets rejected says it didn't go through pre-approval, yea yea yea, they just don't like this guy.

Now I'm crying, I feel like I've been rejected and it's totally stupid, but I take everything personally.

I just feel, like I can't do anything right at home and now I come to work and it's the same thing. What I need now is a drink!

October 25, 2006
6:33 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Armyangel:

Nobody would be better for him coz I can almost guarantee you that he'll do to the next gal the things he does to you. My evil x is on marriage #5 (I was #1) and he still does the same terrible things. That marriage #5 does not count the live-ins and girlfriends he did he work on either.

This is nothing you have caused or made happen. Nothing you or any other woman can do anything to make him different. IF you were June Cleaver he'd still find fault w/ you. I promise you that.

October 25, 2006
6:36 pm
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Army,

I know how you feel!! I've been there.

Just remind yourself that it wasn't YOU they were rejecting. It was an expense report. A simple piece of paper with numbers and words. There are procedures to go through and it wasn't your responsibility to do it. And if it was, you are human. Mea culpa.

I will not allow you to beat up on yourself when you don't have to. This is spilled milk compared to so many other things going on in your life.

Regards,
Cyndra

October 25, 2006
7:12 pm
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armyleo
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Mama - Do you really think I tried my best?

Sometimes I wonder if I had done something different, or I wonder if I change, and try things differently. It's like I keep changing and trying to make him happy, it's like... I don't want to leave any stone unturned.

Cyndra - thanks for your encouraging words, Funny how something so insignificant can spiral me down again. I just want to be good, I want to do good.

October 25, 2006
7:37 pm
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Army,

You are a good wife, and mother. I agree with Mama Strong, I think he would do it to anyone no matter who they are.

Mama is right, you have done your best with your marriage. You have given your all. You have done NOTHING wrong. I know you may not believe that right now, but in time you will.

Regards,
Cyndra

October 26, 2006
12:26 am
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StronginHim77
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Army -

You have done nothing wrong, (other than failing to report his abuse to his commanding officer). There is NO justification for the way he has abused you, verbally, emotionally and physically.

What he is doing has NOTHING to do with you. It wouldn't matter if you were Mother Teresa...he would still be abusive. Do you understand that? He has a serious problem and needs intervention before he hurts the people he is supposedly "SERVING."

You are not responsible for his wrongdoing. It is NEVER right to hit, frighten, intimidate, beat, push or scream at a weaker vessel...at a woman, a child or someone with lesser strength. He is sick, honey. He needs help.

- Ma Strong

October 26, 2006
9:30 am
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smarterone
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Army , no talk, just keep your head up along with your spirits and believe in your friends here.

October 26, 2006
9:42 am
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cyndra820
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Army,

Ma Strong said it best: "You are not responsible for his wrongdoing. It is NEVER right to hit, frighten, intimidate, beat, push or scream at a weaker vessel...at a woman, a child or someone with lesser strength. He is sick, honey. He needs help."

He is responsible for HIS behavior. No one MAKES him do anything. He CHOOSES his reactions, and they are completely inappropriate.

I am encouraging you to go to his CO. I want it to stop. If he can't do what he loves because of his actions THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Don't let him blame you for anything he can control.

Love,
Cyndra

October 26, 2006
12:34 pm
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armyleo
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I NEED TO VENT - I NEED TO SCREAM - I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO..

and I'm loosing it over something isignificant. Last night my 11 yr. daughter had a report 1 month to work on she knows we don't have a printer, yet it'ss 8 or 9 and she tells me about it!!! Well I just layed into her how could you wait till the last minute... What were you thinking.. on and on I went. So she put her file on a thumb drive..so we could print before school today. I get to the store and ask her if she copied it...all the while yelling, and re-asking her why she waited so long

no,.. I didn't ask her once i kept repeating myself.. she says she copied it and then tells me to go to "my computer then, the file..." Well I lost it because right there I knew she didn't save it, she said she saved as..Then I start on .."if you don't know something why don't you ask, why do you wait till the last minute etc.....

Get in the store, and sure enough it's not saved, 20 minutes before school, drive home like a bangee with her head cut off raving and screaming, and her little eyes full of tears, streaming down her face...I run in the house copy the file, and race back to the store.

Print out the file which she called "Loser", I lost it, well I guess it's the name of the book, but I started crying because I didn't know,

This file prints out and I'm imagining typed text, etc. Well it sentences here and there and pictures etc. It's for 1ST PERIOD AND SHE STILL HAS TO GLUE IT!!! WELLL NOW I START ON MY TIRADE...5 minutes before school and now she's late and I drop her off, and I'm yelling and screaming at her, not oncce but I can't stop. She knows she did wrong but I can't stop. It's like I keep it up, she knows she's done wrong and I keep making her feel worst and little!!!

What was I doing my god!!! I realized I'm the one with the problem.

MA STRONG - you just finished telling me "It is NEVER right to .. frighten, ...or scream at a weaker vessel... a child" and I realized i was dong this.

I WAS ABUSING MY GIRL!!! MY God, What a Hyprocrite I am... I'm going on and on about my husband and I can't control my temper...What the [email protected] have I become...Why would I do this, what a horrible person, would do this??? Only me, but why??? I NEED HELP!!!

Now I am emotionally drained, and scared...

October 26, 2006
2:18 pm
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Shaney
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A lot of times, an abused person ends up abusing the next person in the "pecking order." The abuse goes from your husband, to you, to your children, unfortunately. In any case, at some point, you'll have to build up the strength to stop the cycle - which will start with you putting an end to your husbands abuse towards you. You'll get there. At least you recognize that your continuous harping over your daughter's mistake, was overboard. Make ammends with her immediately, and get yourself to a counselor. I can't quite remember if you said your were already seeing one, or were afraid to. Either way, being here is definitely helpful, but seeing a couselor one on one, would make a world of difference. Good luck to you.

October 26, 2006
2:30 pm
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Armyangel:

Take a deep breath and sit down. You did this because you are out of control. You are out of control of your life, your home, you health and wellbeing. You are out of control w/ your girls. Ya know what they say is.... You take it out on the ones that you are closest to. That would be your girls.

You blew... take a deep breath, apologize to your girl, hug kiss mama loves you and is so very sorry. and then forget it. Not in a sense of it never happened, but in a sense of don't dwell on it.

Honey what you just did is normal for folks in your predicament. You, you just abused your daughter; I'll not tell you that you didn't. But you can make it right before it flys south.

You are in control coz you recognize this and you are talking about it. You are OK. Just had a very weak moment.

You put your arms around your daughter say i'm sorry and tell her mama has been a bit on the stressed side lately. She'll come back w/ oh yeah, or you got that right, or some comment maybe. If she does say yes, you are right.

You are OK; You wil be fine; You are a good mom coz you see and you are willing to fix.

October 26, 2006
3:14 pm
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armyleo
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No it was awful, I couldn't stop yelling. She already felt horrible and I kept squashing her....

My god, don't you see...I hurt, her, I'm the grown up I should have known.. She should have someone who cares and loves her, not someone who flies of the handle, than can't stop...

I DIDN'T MEAN TOOO...I came home and I was still angry and horrified, that I took it out on her, and couldn't stop I threw the coffee cup and smashed it, I"M SORRY I COULDN"T HELP IT!!!!

I JUST WANT TO DISSAPPEAR.

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