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ANYBODY GOING TO HELP ME...?????
September 11, 2006
2:44 pm
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mumubaby89
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on the outside I am smiling and happy, but on the inside I am depressed and there is a voice that used to be whispering but now is yelling suicide. I don't actually hear that voice, I mean i am not crazyy or something, but I just know that there is something inside of me that wants to come out and be heard. That probably sounds really weird. I just feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster all the time and I can never get off it. I am so sick of this I just want to end the pain, the only thing I can think of to end that pain is to end my life...
I have been so unahppy these last few months...after falling out with fmaily;moving out, Cutting myself....and My life has been a wreck. If you want to know details check the other thread ((Tumbleweed)) Our Thread...Depression))

Nobody else on this website has botherd to help and i feel awful...just started college for the second year ...finishing my Alevels..And i think i will see the counceller again. I am unsure

please help

September 11, 2006
2:49 pm
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mj
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(((((((Mumubaby)))))))))))

I am sorry to hear that you are suffering. Please see your counselor. Suicide isn't an option that is necessary. You are cared about.

September 11, 2006
2:51 pm
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mj
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How can I help you?

September 11, 2006
2:54 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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mumubaby,

I have not checked out your other thread because it was adressed to tumbleweed, and I usually skip over those threads adressed to specific people.

I know some of your story from before, and last I remember, you were trying to get to see a counselor on campus, but had to wait.

Have you gotten to see the counselor? And if so, how has that gone?

I don't think anyone is personally ignorning you, so please don't think that....please tell me how I can help....or how anyone can help?

September 11, 2006
3:59 pm
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mj
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MB, Have you ever thought about just being who you are? No false front. They say depression is anger turned inward. I use to think nobody would care about me if I wasn't always Perfect. Now I know perfection isn't obtainable so I feel freer to be Who I truly am. You are Enough! Love yourself just the way you are and that's Good!

September 11, 2006
4:39 pm
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Iluvemenow
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I am sorry that you are going through this.... It is hard. It seems like you have a lot going on in your life now. I see that you are on the outs with your family, you had to move out, and trying to maintain enough to stay in school. I think going through this would make anyone depressed, but i think their is help for you. Ending your life is not the solution. It seems like you have accomplished so much so far(espescially with your school) you should be proud of yourself. I do not think i could continue my education going through all of that at one time(i have tried), without dropping out. You are a lot stronger than you realize. I just hope you find the right counselor or program for your needs.
Also, I agree mj. Having all that anger in you with no outlet does turn into depression. I know this from first hand. So, do not try to stand up to the expectations of everyone else. Just be yourself. Set your own persoanl goals and try to maintain them. Do not worry what others think of you.
Just stay strong and i will send prayers out to you.
Iluvemenow

September 11, 2006
8:35 pm
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taj64
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Dear MuMu, I know what you mean about falling out from your family. Im pretty much in same boat only I have put that behind me. I get sad that I don't have what I thought I had but I realize that it is not my fault, that Im not running around feeling sorry for myself, that I can live my life without them and live it well even if it is not perfect. Sure I wish it could have been better but Im more secure knowing that I have me. That is what you have to do, is live for yourself. College is hard and takes time to get through. You have many many good years ahead of you. Life is about having hard times to get through and also good times. You are having a hard time right now, and it will get better, There is no way you are alone. You're not alone. Im sorry you don't feel as if you cannot be helped but really you can be, just put that hand out somewhere. You're so young, and you will get past this crisis. Have faith that life will not always be like this, that there are good times ahead.

September 11, 2006
9:00 pm
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Anonymous
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I too didant read the 'tumbleweed' thread bc I thought it was addressed to that person... Ive ben dealing with depression and would have read it.

Are you living with your grandma or am I confused about that?

I hope youre not alone bc that is so hard with depression. I tried suicide but my friends got to me and sent me to the hospital. The whole thing was a setback. I hope you go to the ocunsellor and keep going to classes. Remember no one can put a gun to your head and say you have to finish college in a prescribed time. I hope no one is pressuring you on more than you can do but if they do, you just will have to set your boundaries, that is, you figure what is the best you can do and forget the rest. Your counselor will help you with that.

Youre young. You probably have a lot you want to have accomplished as soon as possible. But you need to enjoy your life, too. You need to take care of your life. Not end it. I dont have a recipe bc Im having a hard time with that at 47! All I know is we deserve to have a good life. Have faith!

September 12, 2006
3:05 pm
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quilter
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There seems to be a collective group of us here that did not read your other thread due the title. I find it very brave of you that you simply stated that you needed help. That in my opinion takes a very strong person to do that. I think a lot of us assume that people should be able to some how know that we need help.
I find myself thinking why can't people see that I am hurting. On the other hand we tend to put on a strong face that others think we have our lives together.
I hope that you are able to get in contact with your counselor, sounds like you really need to have someone to talk with. I am not sure what your history is, but it sounds like you have made some great progress.I am sorry that you are feeling so low right now, but the fact is that life is hard sometimes but we must keep going. You don't know what your purpose here in life is. You have so much in front of you. Hang in there
Quitler

September 12, 2006
4:47 pm
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doubleloss
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mumu, i have not read the tumbleweed thread so i did not know about you. good for you to ask for what you need. i will read more about your story. life is an adventure, sometimes a very very scary one, sometimes we arrive to dark caves and forest full of traps and strange killer animals and it's our job to sort through this things. suicide is final, please give yourself a chance. you are talking here so keep posting, let your fingers just do the work and say everything you need / want to. talk to someone in your college. and keep posting.

September 13, 2006
10:30 am
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realitygirl
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Hi,
I have been there, all of what you are going through. I am in college also, full time.

Please don't commit suicide. TOO many things can go wrong, and you can end up physically worse than you are.

Call your dr., and get some meds. I have been on several since my 20's, and effexor works the best for me.

Whatever ones you try, give them at least 6 wks.

Is there a close friend you can confide in?

Please let me/us know how you are.

YOU are NOT alone!

September 14, 2006
11:39 am
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mumubaby89
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what do you mean : 'that Im not running around feeling sorry for myself'...i am not!!
I have been putting on a brave face..but it doesnt help how i feel..or am feeling. People have different ways of dealing with things and well... i dunno

I am not going through with ending it all...i have thought deeply..many things can go wrong like you said and also y should i end it just because of depression.

I have been studying my arse of these past days...and cried alot. y councelling session is not till tuesday.

I live with my grandma ..yeah =(

September 14, 2006
3:07 pm
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quilter
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of all the positive things we have all said to you here, it seems like you focused in on something that you found negative. I re read that post and I interpreted as she was talking about herself not you. Please look at the positives here. I myself sometimes only hear the negatives and pass right on over anything positive said.
What are some things that bring joy to your life. Even anything simple like a favorite ice cream cone and an old favorite book to read. Just would like you to find a little joy in life.
Hang int there. We are all on your side.

September 15, 2006
2:39 am
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(((mumubaby)))

Hi, I just wanted to say hello before I went to sleep (it's very late) and so that I could bump this thread up to the top so we could keep checking on you.

We don't know each other, and don't know anything about each other yet, but I've been where you are right now. Sometimes I still get those feelings. Please just hold on tight. It does pass. I'm not saying everything goes away, but you will be glad you didn't do it. Believe me,
I've had some extremely serious suicide attempts where I've had a change of heart as I literally felt what could have been my last breaths giving way. Please don't. You have no idea what there is in your future and what good you are doing simply by existing.

Keep posting. I will write more when I come back.

Be well.
love,
ella

September 15, 2006
2:43 am
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rightstart
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I am also so sorry for how you are feeling--
I just started on this site today and really happy I found it- I am not in my best place but I do know a lot about where you're at because I have been there and there is DEFINITELY another side. College student, on outs with family, depression, lots of potential academically. I have been in that situation. There is a solution. I love what so many others have posted but would add one thing more. If you kill yourself now, you're killing the wrong person. I am in recovery in a program(case is out on my codependency but I suspect its there too) who was and is still very sick and was suicidal into sobriety and on and off most of my life. I watched a wonderfully brilliant, beautiful woman commit suicide because of her difficulties and ironically she was the one who taught me it was okay to be not okay for as long as I needed to be. I had a profound experience on a particularly terrible night that went something like, even if, EVEN if, something is terribly wrong, I am terribly wrong- I AM STILL LOVABLE. I saw on an emotional level that it was illogical of me to relate my idea of being wrong with my idea of being lovable. I have thought of that so many times ever since.
I didnt want to kill myself I just wanted to kill the pain so bad. You are okay. You are okay right now even if you dont feel okay. Feelings are not facts. I will be praying you get just what you need to get through how and where you are. In the meantime, I have learned not to kill myself, one day at a time. I got counseling and lots of help. I am still not out of the woods with alot of old behaviour, but I know there IS a way out- no longer do I feel "repulsive" "disgusting" as I truly use to. One thing more, anytime, whenever I thought Oh get me out of this pain, I would always get a respone of get outside. It was always exactly what I needed. On the days I could manage it, I would get up, go outside- it would instantly ease the intensity of the pain by getting outside, walking if I could. You are not alone-

September 15, 2006
7:22 am
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overcome
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The funny thing about depression is that it seems endless when you are there. However, It will pass- that I can promise. Stay strong and you will look back at it and be a better person for what you have endured.

September 15, 2006
8:43 am
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Rasputin
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Please don't ever think that we are ignoring you Mum? I can not read all threads, but try to do my best to answer to whatever is relevant to me.

We are all/most hurting here and going thru lots of emotional stuff and rollercoster ride. So, hun, you're Not alone in your strife, predicaments, and plights.

Have you read/listened to Joyc'e Meyer audiocassettes/book "Beauty for ashes?" They are all about emotional pain and how to deal with them! I would highly recommend you to purchase them. The author is big speaker that has really made a great impact on my life. She herself has had very traumatic life.

Keep in touch Mum! Know that you will be in my prayers from now on hun!

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

September 16, 2006
11:54 am
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doubleloss
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mumu, how are you? how are you feeling? how is school? hope all is going a bit better.

September 18, 2006
12:55 pm
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mumubaby89
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Hi i am ok...suppose
Just trying to hide how i am feeling and well its easy to try n forget about them...as ive done that but they dnt go away and if i dnt deal with them...they will only get worse.

I read poetry and read alot...and it helps...
I wouldnt say im suicdal...yeah i think about it alot...but i would be too scared to do it and i knw i would. Also it could go worong...or other things could happen...and i dnt want to take that risk..

I used to self harm all the time...and i hardly do it now...as i just look at my scars on my arms and that stops me....but i get more upset.

I hopefully am seeing my counceller tomorrow...as i am back at college now...and its been 7/8 weeks since i last spoke to her...and alot has happened..emotionally and physically...

Many people i talk to and my friends dont reliase what ive been through. I have had alot on my mind...other than that...like unviersity. My University deadlines are quite soon...and i dont know what to do...or where i want to go..i pretend to peopl i know ...wen reli i dont. I dont have family or anyone here for me..my parents just think i am going to stay at my nans and go to the local university...but thats not what i want. I am going to move...maybe it will help me...have some peace and be more indepented...

Sorry i have took ages to reply i have been busy...ill keep checking though

September 18, 2006
7:27 pm
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7/8 weeks is a lot of time in between counseling sessions. It is good you've started again. Hopefully your counselor will help you feel a little better. I don't know anything about your life, but moving doesn't always solve our problems. Sometimes we just take them with us. It seems appealing when things aren't going well though.

Be well,
ella

September 19, 2006
2:45 pm
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mumubaby89
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=(.....all ive done today is cry or get upset at the slightest things....i chickend out of counclling...and i dnt know why. i meialed her asking if i could see her next week...she read it but i got no reply...u see i can check if u read emails or not on my college system.

Things arent working =( might self aharm...what choice do i have?

September 21, 2006
1:06 am
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My counselor doesn't reply to emails either. Maybe you should call her? Be patient, she may be in session so you may have to wait for her to call back. Sometimes it's hard to go to counseling and listen to yourself talk about such painful things, all this stuff that's hard to face can come out and even though it's ultimately helpful... it can be a heavy experience. Please go to counseling,even though it's really hard.

Those crying days are too much to handle sometimes. It's hard to get through the day, and you feel like you have no control over yourself, and it's hard to pull yourself together.

You have to find whatever harmless ways possible to pass time. I know it sounds trivial as hell... go to the movies, go to the zoo, pet stores, exhibits... anything to fill your senses with distractions. Self harm comes from impulses, and impulses are passing. Please let them pass. You may not be capable on your own of actually making them go away, pretenting they are not there- that is not what I'm saying. You just have to find what works for you to get through it when no one is around. Something that won't hurt you, something that's not distructive.

Is there anything like that that you do now? It doesn't mean you have to find a new hobbie, but those are nice to. What I mean is something to distract, you don't even have to put any effort into it, but if you are into something that involves skill... all the better. Just don't judge yourself, the point is to distract yourself. You can get back to dealing with your problems when you are capable, maybe with the help of your counselor. If you must get things out of your mind, sometimes writing helps. YOu can write and tear it up if you are self concious.

I've tried a lot of this and believe me, I've been so glad when I don't do something dangerous and instead just do something to kill time. Sometimes even just leaving your home and going for a drive or walk helps. Get out of your everyday environment though, not school, work or usual places. Do you live in an urban, suburban, or rural environment? Do you have mass transit or a car to help you get a change of scenery?

I hope you find some solace.

be well & keep posting,
hugs- ella

September 21, 2006
11:56 am
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mumubaby89
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I said i wont make it that far.
And ever since i said it, its been hard.but nevemind,the nights i've had to cry. No1 has ever let me grow inside....I work really hard and i think i know exctally what i want and need. I just need to believe....i can reach my goals...i just need to talk to people and say : I believe i can, i believe i will....!
I keep creating pictures in my mind and hopefully they will come true in time.
I got to leave me past,my stress, my tears behind...and move on and let it go.Im still holding on and its really difficult for me to forget and move on.
My hopes and dreams i will believe even though it seems its not for me.i wnt give up.

The councelling i am finding really diffucult to go..and its maybe due to the fact i am not used to talking nevermind opening up. I just feel really awkard talking to her. She emailed me back and she sed they is a drop in session next week and i can come if i want. Also she said i hope all is well...well i wish it were.

mumubaby89

September 21, 2006
3:12 pm
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mumubaby89
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Crap

I hate it when people judge you for what u look like rather than for what you actually are.
I hate it when people lie about everything and end up hurting not just themsevles but everybody around them
I hate it when you have like 5 weeks or so to choose a university and you dont bloody have a clue where you want to go...

I hate it when your so 'called' mates..dont meet you where they are meant to and you end up waiting like such a fool that you are.

I hate it when people have to discrimate other people in order to make themselves look good when really they are twats

I hate it when you try and go out of your way to prove something to someone and they chuck it back in your face.

I hate it when your mates make lies about lads..in order to make you jelous...well sorry it doesnt really work. And i esp hate it when they make out they really care for them or they care for him/her...when realy they dont or you would be with them right now...

I hate alot of things at the minute but the things that nark me off the most if when the people you really care about are not always their or they runaway when times get tough.But i do have loads kool mates..all wierd in their own ways which i love =D

As you can guess i am in a hufy...well i would not call it that..more like pissed off with the world and peoples actions.

I think alot of people are fake and well need to get a grip of their lives really. When u call someone do u do it for your own satifaction or others?? your soo hardd NOT. ive got to the point where ill say what i feel and that has ended me a frienship with someone who was always stiring crap..or slaging each member of our lil crew off...and well i feel good. If got out to say id really warn your to keep mouth shut if cnt say anything nice...or deal with whatever is said back

September 24, 2006
12:57 am
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mumubaby-

It's been a couple of days, how are you hanging in there... I don't know if you started a new thread or not, I just read this b/c I remembered you and the title. Let me know if you have an update.

Counseling is hard, but don't worry about having to talk. I've spent countless sessions just sitting there crying- and maybe I needed to do that before I could talk. Sometimes you need to be around someone who will LET you cry. It also helps you build trust. My therapists haven't pushed me to talk during those times, sometimes they will just as gently "What are you thinking of?" but often a therapist will just leave you if you wish to just sit. It is necessary sometimes. They have seen it frequently. You will then be surprised when the time comes at how you will be able to verbalize certain things.

You do it here, maybe that will help you more than you know. Things will be on the forefront of your mind, and you have articulated it already in writing. This is good. Don't rush the opening up part, but you should have a counselor there for when you ARE ready- you never know- a situation could overwhelm you- you don't want to be building a brand new relationship then- when you are spilling all over the sides. It's easier when it's someone you are seeing and who knows what is going on with you so you don't have to play catch up.

You sound sad and angry and I know how that feels. People can be so disappointing. It sucks sometimes when so many people fall short of your opinions of them and hurt you. Tonight I intended on starting a new post, I am having serious family problems with my sister. Also, I was serving on a jury and I found the verdict to be unfair... (long story). Like you, I'm getting tired of crappy behavior, and don't want to deal with it anymore. Maybe that's just a sign that we are starting to think more of ourselves- that we know we deserve more, and that we don't like seeing other's being treated badly either. It's painful, but the change might be beneficial in the long run. Tell me if I'm way off base here.

Hope your days improved since you posted last.

hugs,
ella

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