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Any men out there in the throws of an affair
September 20, 2001
4:52 pm
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twinnyboys
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Hi

I'm trying to understand what my husband is going through.

He's had an affair that ended 4 months ago. He wants to make our marriage work and has no intention of leaving me but he still says he has strong feelings for this other woman and wants to email her. I've told him that this cannot happen if he wants to be with me.

He describes it like me wanting to lose a few pounds but still wanting to eat chocolate.

What is it like in an affair. Does it take time to forget the other woman. Can a man still love his wife but want to remain friends with the other woman (I've told him this isn't an option if he wants to stay with me)

All opinions welcome

September 20, 2001
5:14 pm
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Ladeska
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Some people just aren’t monogamous. They feel like society frowns on it, which ours certainly does, at least overtly, so they feel like they have to go through steps of being “acceptable”. It’s funny though, because our society doesn’t really frown on having an affair and keeping it a good secret, i.e., our infamous ex-prez and more recently Condit. Would have been just fine - if they hadn’t been found out. Everyone would have smiled and nodded and denied whatever. Interesting commentary about us, isn’t it? The better you are at lying and the congame - the more your applauded.

But, the question here is - what is marriage to you? And is it acceptable for him to say - hey, I did it, I feel wrong about it, but I might be tempted to do it again? Is it fair for you to live in that threat zone? Some people get excited about this kind of “game” that they play with you. Feels crazy, exciting, bad - but fun. Are you willing to be a pawn in this game of chess?

I don’t know why men or women like this don’t just admit - they aren’t monogamous and bail out. Have a coming out party and be done with it. They don’t do it because it wouldn’t be fun anymore. They wouldn’t have a captive party over you - i.e. “You”, that is getting hurt all the time. Rather sadistic, isn’t it? You bet it is and you have to make up your mind - if you’re into pain or not. It’s that simple. Not only that, but what is he bringing to bed in terms of disease? And will he get her pregnant, etc., etc.? Are you going to be one of those wives that just turns her head and goes - oh, he isn’t doing anything and if he is - I’ll just play pretend?

He’s being up front with you as far as what he might do. Anyone that wants to email the other woman - has full intentions of putting himself in the way of temptation. Believe me when I say - the other woman will do anything in her power to do that, too because it’s a power game with her. Can she successfully lord it over another woman and improve her obvious poor self esteem by winning him over? Are you really up for this kind of torture? If it were me - it would be a quick and dead straight out - NO. You guys go play with each other, but count me out.

I am amazed at the number of women who actually put themselves in this position of even asking - is this okay? It’s like getting hit in the head with a hammer and then going.....well, maybe they won’t do it again, maybe it was my fault somehow, maybe this, maybe that. There should be absolutes in a relationship and him wanting to flirt with going into this again via email or whatever should be an absolute warning bell for you. Just my opinion but - it would be cold day in hell before this would be okay with me. And I wouldn’t trust his word any farther than I could throw him. What an ass. Wants his cake and eat it, too, does he? Then he needs to be single and go play the singles game. There are a lot of women out there who could teach him a thing or two in this regard. What goes around, comes around. Players - do each other, too.

September 20, 2001
5:35 pm
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Cracker
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I just wanna know why is it that most chicks dig a-holes? You mean to tell me dude is having an affair that you know of and you're still around? For Christ sake.... why?

September 20, 2001
6:43 pm
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Ladeska
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Good question, ain't it? (scratching head) I'd light him up with TNT.

September 20, 2001
8:22 pm
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Molly
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Gotta love ya Cracker, My dad taught me that a man will always ask and its up to the woman to say no, but some women just don't get it.
Some guys just push the plate and push the plate like a kid, just to see what they can get away with, and if your gonna let him have his cake and eat it too, then you can't complain.
I know he is making you a nut case because you have trusted him for so long, if he says its like chocolate then that must be what its like. But when you get away from all of that, you realize you have been buying into B.S. just like Ranmar did for so long with wako, she has a friend, she just needs her space, yea right. Try reading the book on Verbal Abuse by Deborah Tannon, I think that is her name and you can see how distorted your thinking can become real quick. Its like quick sand you don't know your really in it till the sand is up your nose. Hard lessons, but don't make excueses for him, don't let him violate your boundry lines, its your power you are handing him on a silver platter. Get angry, and then get real independent.

September 21, 2001
11:03 am
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Cracker
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I don't know what it is but for a week now all I see ahead of me is clarity. Like why do we all make life so freaking difficult? Why do we put up with sh/t? Why do we let people who are a-holes run our life? I mean, we're wondering whether to coat the freaking toast with margarine or butter while last week I see people hanging on to rafters 100 stories up contemplating whether to burn with the building or jump. It broke my frickin heart. And here we are, all acting like freaking sherpas putting more and more undo weight on our head and for what? I swear I don't understand life sometimes. I guess we're not suppose to. But why it takes an event where over 5000 people perish for us to realize how "fragile" all this sh/t is is beyond me. I swear I always tell myself to be happy, live simple and live my life like it's the last freaking day on this beautiful earth and to not put up with a-holes who make it miserable, and then I bitch like a little girl when the Brooklyn Bridge is backed up. Man that is weak.

September 21, 2001
12:38 pm
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Molly
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Nothing weak about it, just sorta like displaced frustration. We are all feeling frustrated as there is so much out of our personal controll, just my opinion, and the traffic is right in front of you, thus .... We can't move the cars, and we can't get our hands on the boogie man, we can't yell at the boogie man, but we can honk the horn at the car. Makes sense to me.
I think when life and death situations smack us on our heads, we reprioritize on what is really important, again that controll thing, all those things we have been real casual with, we just are not willing to be casual any more, like assholes in our way. We get that life is short, and are better at drawing our boundry lines, at least when it comes to quality of our remaining time that is. We have all of this energy, and guess figuritively as well as psychologically have been cleaning house. Just my thought. Get you have alot of energy Cracker, so don't go thinking your truck is a tank, OK, be cool.

September 21, 2001
1:03 pm
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Cici
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You know the old saying, "You don't know what you got 'til its gone."

September 21, 2001
1:45 pm
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pill
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"Like wanting to lose a few pounds but still wanting to eat chocolate."

WHAT THE HELL? On what grounds does he make such a comparison?

Lose the guy, just lose him...

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