Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Any advise for staying strong???
November 4, 2006
12:33 pm
Avatar
gofigure
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey--I've been away for a bit but once again fond myself in something with my husband that I am (still) having a hard time with. My girls and I moved last weekend and he helped us. We've been separated for almost 10 months and after this weekend he is pushing again for some sort of counseling and he kept asking to spend the night (I actually let him a few times mostly because I felt so guilty and he seemed so pitiful). I KNOW this isn't right for me and it confuses the kids and I just don't want to spend all this time with him. But when I tell him this he argues with me and asks me why I can't just call him up out of the blue and say something nice to help him feel less depressed and on and on. I feel horrible that what I do or don't do hurts him so much, but I am tired of constantly doing what he wants regardless of how I feel. He argued with me for hours to let him stay one night Asked to borrow money so he could go out drinking (he's been sober [from alcohol at least] for almost 9 years), hit himself and cried and then argued some more until I finally gave in (not at all graciously!). I can't keep doing this but I always give in to him. And it makes no difference at all what I say to him to explain why I don't want him to stay. Why am I such a wimp?

Does anyone have any advice about how to remain strong and quit giving in to what he wants and disregard myself? How do I get over the pity I feel for him? How do I convince myself that I am not responsibile for his feelings? How can I help myself be honest and firm and at the same time not be a bitch to him? I am at a loss.

Thanks,
~go

November 4, 2006
1:03 pm
Avatar
marriedagain
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi gofigure:
Wow your husband really plays the victim role and really does a good job of manipulating you. Something I learned in counseling was this...there are three roles 1)the victim 2)the persecutor & 3)the caretaker. When you are with your husband, do you find yourself playing one of those roles? In your story he is the victim and you are the caretaker. He has to be responsible for his own feelings and actions. You don't make him feel anyway Gofigure...he chooses to feel that way. Lady you have to read this book...it's awesome...it's short and you will love it. It's called Co-dependent No More by Melody Beatty. You will find yourself in this book and say, "OMG, that is me!!!" This book will lead you into a path of learning how to say no and taking care of yourself. You can say "NO", take care of yourself, and do it all it love. Your kids will notice the difference and love you for finding yourself. God Bless.

November 4, 2006
1:36 pm
Avatar
gofigure
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Is it stupid that I have read this book. I get it all in theory, but i guess when it comes to the practising of it I keep falling down. I'd better pull it out again though.

Yeah, caretaking has always been my thing--can't tell you how sick I am of myself in that role. I think I just need to stick it in my head that I'll just need to deal with his whining and cajoling and listen to him tell me how horrible it is when the people who are supposed to care for you the most don't seem to give a sh^t anymore. I can take being called a "Cold M-F"--he's said it before and won't be surprised when he says it again. I'll just say again that I've earned it. Another thing that may help is to quit accepting favors like him helping us move. it was a mistake because even though he said he owes me (and he does--he has hardly helped with the kids (seeing them, watching them, paying for anything for them) in the last 10 months. I took him at his word, not expecting (though I should have) that there was some expectation on his part that I would do more than just thank him verbally. RRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.

Thanks for listening.

November 4, 2006
1:52 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi gofigure, The way to be strong, is to learn to love yourself and put yourself first. I know it's easier said than done, especially if we think it's selfish. I have struggled all my life with self-worth and self-esteem issues, I know you don't want to hurt him. But realize that you have to put what's best for you first, and what's best for your kids. Your children will benefit most from a happy, healthy mom and seeing healthy relationships. Even he will benefit most from you being strong and standing up for what's best for the family. So, know that when you are saying "no", you are in fact helping him as well as yourself and your children.

November 4, 2006
2:14 pm
Avatar
gofigure
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you, I know you are both right and thank you thank you thank you. I will keep telling myself that he has to find his own path and depending on me, no matter what he thinks, is not good for anybody. I want to move on and he doesn't. I will work on reminding myself that everytime I give in and do what he wants when I don't want to I am only perpetuating this dynamic i am desperate to leave behind. He will get mad and that's o.k.; he will try to make me feel guilty but I don't need to take that on. He will tell me he plans to find a bus to step in front of and I will remind him of his daughters and the promise he made that he won't do to them what my father did to me. I am not responsible for his good behavior and I am not responsible for his bad behavior. HE IS. It is not my job to make him feel good and when he tells me that my behavior is making him so depressed and why do I treat him so poorly, I will--I'm not sure what. I hope I will find a way to encourage him to quit paying so much attention to me and focus more on his daughters. He wants to know why I act so mean toward him when everyone in his life wants to leave him by the side of the road. i don't have a good answer for that but maybe I'll find one.

November 4, 2006
2:15 pm
Avatar
lolli
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi gofigure,

I am sorry you are in such a difficult situation! I am in a similar position of having to continually set boundaries. It is such heart-wrenching work, especially when those around us are so accustomed to "getting their way" and walking right over any meager boundaries we have tried to set.

I don't have any answers for you... but I just wanted to say that we are all here for you, and I want to encourage you to go easy on yourself a little bit! I am finding that learning to set boundaries and stick to them is SO difficult for those of us who never got to learn how to do it as kids.

In essence, it is like we are learning how to use a new muscle we've never used before! We can know intellectually exactly how to do it and what it looks like and all the lingo, but until we do it 100+ times, it's still going to be awkward, and we're still going to fall down once in a while.

So... stick with it! Turn yourself into a broken record with your husband. Emotionally take a step back from him. Continually remind yourself that by playing the victim role with you he is manipulating and ABUSING you to get his way. Then get angry and stand up for yourself. It is okay. You are entitled. Your anger is there to protect you. You need to let it out (in constructive ways, of course). Don't worry about him anymore. Let that be his job. The only way he's EVER going to take that job is if NOBODY else in the whole world will do it for him. You are NOT a bitch for not caving in.
You are doing what you have to do to protect yourself and your girls. He is an adult now. He HAS to learn how to take care of himself emotionally and physically (and, by the way, if he doesn't... it is HIS choice and therefore not your problem!).

And as long as there is hope you will take care of him (even in little ways), he will continue to flail around as the victim. As my therapist said to me once about someone else- "there is no need for X to go into therapy and pay for it when X is getting it from you for free!"

I read in one of my self-help books... "if you feel really sorry for someone... they are probably abusing you." I think it is a reference to how abusers often use the "victim" role to distract us so they can use us against our will. Often, we won't even fight their abuse of us... we'll hand it to them on a silver platter (because we feel so sorry for them)!!!

I am so sorry for your pain. I do hope it gets better for you - and I know it will because you are such a strong woman! You can do it. rah rah rah!!!

(((gofigure)))

November 4, 2006
2:28 pm
Avatar
gofigure
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh lolli--you are so awesome!!!!!!!!!! I hope you know that. I don't know whether I'm glad that many others have this same kind of problem so I'm less alone, or whether I wish I were the only one because it SUCKS! To get the kind of encouragement and understanding you give is such a blessing. Your words help shore me up and I think repeating them will help me when I'm in the middle of all the crap. Thank you. And remember it TAKES a strong woman to RECOGNIZE a strong woman--you go girl!!

(((((((((((lolli)))))))))))))))

November 4, 2006
7:24 pm
Avatar
lolli
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thanks gofig! YOU GO TOO!!! Remember, it took the most strength for you to get to the point where you are now... as painful as it is, the rest is just maintenance! 🙂

GO gofig.... GO gofig... GO!
(for some reason I feel like being your cheerleader, lol)

November 4, 2006
8:37 pm
Avatar
thedogsmom
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Gofigure,
I'm here reaping the advice from your question as I...like you...am the foolish caretaker...that keeps giving even when he doesn't deserve it...and feels SO darn guilty and responsible for his feelings and well-being...

If misery loves company...I think you have it here...with the many codependents that can't seem to set boundaries..and feel "Bitchy" and Mean and most of all GUILTY when we say no..or hurt somebody..just trying to protect ourselves.

I don't know how to be strong. I did read Codependent No MORe..LOVED it!..IT was ME!!!! somebody understood me!...I got strong ...for a minute... told him "shape up or ship out!".......... then forgave him..and gave him another chance only to have him dissapoint me again..

I think you must have found some strength... from all the misery and pain...to finally separate from him...
I guess...our codependent nature has been who we are for so long..that only PRACTICE >>>PRACTICE and PRactice and saying NO--I'm sorry..I can't let you stay overnight. I do appreciate your help and I'm sorry you feel that way about me... but I can't help you anymore...I have to focus on me now... and you have to concentrate on you... "

practice setting boundaries...slip for a minute and then practice again..until it comes a bit more naturally ... I agree with what lolli said... thanks lolli for your advice..
she says..sometimes the anger is there as a protection..to help you say no and set those boundaries to protect yourself from further heartache....this really helped reading this...cause I do so much feel like a broken nagging record and like a bitch for being so "mean" and saying things to defend myself...but now I realize. .that it's okay...if I seem bitchy and naggy....I need to be more of a bitch...instead of making it so pleasant and easy for him to use and abuse me! I'm trying to learn to say no- I can't take this anymore...and still be pleasant..to lose the anger....but I guess it will take us practice!..
Hang in there...
TDS

November 4, 2006
11:31 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Dear gofigure,

You sound really strong already!!

Just keep repeating those personal rights like a mantra. And stay totally honest (especially with yourself).

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
27
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714261
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information