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Anxiety attacks and facing the future
September 20, 2003
11:58 pm
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unhappy camper
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Just having anxiety attacks a lot. I am afraid of the future. Does he have the right to move back in MY house if we are not legally separated or divorced by the time his parole ends? I need to know this.

September 22, 2003
9:05 am
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unhappy camper
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I am getting dehyrated. I can't drink much. I usually drink all day....coffee, tea, juice, water.

I don't feel like eating much and don't drink anything.

My anxiety is bad and my heart flutters. Tears pour down.

I'm in bad shape.

September 22, 2003
9:11 am
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tooscared
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Hi Unhappy camper,
I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time. It sounds like you are getting to a point where something is going to have to change or you are going to make yourself very sick. No one is worth you doing that to yourself.

I don't know much about the legal system, but I would think you have a right to keep him from moving back home. Do you have a lawyer or a service that you can call to find out this type of information?

Please try to take care of yourself. He is winning this battle if you destroy yourself in the process. Stay strong and don't hurt yourself like this.

September 22, 2003
9:14 am
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Anonymous
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Hi UC .. im sorry you are feeling so bad. i have felt like that too a lot .. tho not for the same reasons...i just started on medication after years of being against using drugs. but you know what , its starting to help. its not numbing me out either .. i still have my breakdowns, still have anxiety and sadness, but it doesnt get to crisis level anymore. it sounds like you might want to try a medication for a time. hope you feel better.
firefly

September 22, 2003
9:15 am
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Anonymous
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hey TS 🙂 (((hugs)))

September 22, 2003
9:30 am
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tooscared
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Morning Firefly. Hugs back to you too. I am glad that your medication is helping you feel better. I hope that you feel better today too UC. Try to force yourself to eat and drink and maybe get outside for a walk or something to help. Sometimes when I go for a walk it helps me to clear my head and I feel a little better. Take care.

September 22, 2003
12:21 pm
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Anam Cara
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unhappy camper

I have for different reasons had anxiety attacks - then I read some others persons pain- which often seems greater than mine. I then say to myself - how is it possible for them to endure what is happening to them - but my own anxiety soon returns selfishly to the fore.

I keep a day diary - setting down my feelings - slavishly I maintained these pages for over three months - on reading them from the start - I am amazed to find how vast my mood swings are capable of.

I find it frightening therapy - but helpful on a bad day .

You can prove you do have a more positive days. thus the impossible blackness seems a shade lighter.

Not sure this is of any help - other than to say - I have been told that I am a healer - whilst I cannot claim any successes - I must tell you my reaction to your story was to reach out for your hand and hug you.

Anam

September 22, 2003
12:30 pm
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unhappy camper
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I'm just scared.

I'm scared of everything.

I'm scared he won't come back to me and won't want to.

I'm scared he will come back to me and mistreat me again.

I'm scared he will sue me for support.

I'm afraid to hear him be angry at me for calling the cops and shutting him off from contacting me. He may be furious with me.

I'm afraid he might be suffering. No money or food except the soup kitchens and food banks. He may be kicked out of his home because welfare was going to be stopped. He may not have a job. If he has a job he is weird and has a phobia about going to work and it makes him nuts. He might lose his job and any other he gets. He might just quit from nerves. He might be a basket case.

He might be drunk or sober.

He might be ok without me.

I am not ok without him.

September 22, 2003
3:55 pm
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gingerleigh
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Where's that list of crappy things about him? Post it on your fridge. This anxiety that you are going through is FAR better than what you would experience if you were with him now.

September 22, 2003
5:48 pm
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unhappy camper
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I know ginger....it would cover the fridge and the stove and the cupboards. I am right back to square one. I miss the good times.

I am getting sick of me.

September 22, 2003
6:59 pm
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Sophie1
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Dear Unhappy Camper,
I read your post and just wanted to say to please try and take care of yourself! This too shall pass and things WILL get better for you. You need to be healthy so you can enjoy the good times. As Anam said, keep a journal and get these feelings and fears out on paper. Do you have someone you can vent to?

Find out the answer to your legal question first and maybe that will help ease some of your fears. Best of luck to you!

Sophie

September 22, 2003
7:28 pm
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unhappy camper
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I hear you all thank you. But it's facing the uncertain future. It's scary.

I was just thinking that now he is a criminal. He has a criminal record and said to me that he would not be able to get work because he would have to put that on his applications. Yet another reason to not work.

Yes ginger....you are right. I have to concentrate on the bad things. He had a DUI in the USA but was allowed in Canada. Then I found out he was arrested two more times there too, once for driving without insurance and once for property damage. I would like to know that story.

He is bad news. He is trouble. I have to remember that. I have never been in trouble. I am a timid bookkeeper who never breaks rules. He is too much for me to handle.

I MUST remember that. You are right....if I was with him now I'd be in a lot of trouble that I would not be able to fix.

And he may be even more hostile towards me. Maybe not at first, but it could eventually come out.

You are right. I am wrong.

September 22, 2003
8:24 pm
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typist2
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Hi UC,

I hope all is going well with you now. "Fear of the unknown" has been one of my fears, so, I feel ya! Have you ever heard of the Serenity Prayer, "Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

Whenever I feel that anxiety and fear of uncertainty creepin' up, it helps to whisper this to myself. Try it. Whatever happens is either going to be something you can change or something you can't so you need to be able to have peace even in the midst of what you can't change; or, you need the courage to do whatever you need to do to change the situation(s) you can.

September 22, 2003
9:56 pm
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unhappy camper
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You mean detaching. That is good advice.

I am going to try to remember to call my husband by his new name:

MEAN DANGEROUS VIOLENT CRIMIMAL

That is his name now. I hope this works for me.

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