Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
anxiety attack!! oh no!!
August 4, 2005
1:07 am
Avatar
Sunnysunshine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

He is online right now!! oh no.. I know this mail account was made just for us to communicate..

I know I have to stay away.... please...

help me to stay away from contacting him.. NOW...

Its for the best.. he was no good for me...

August 4, 2005
1:14 am
Avatar
cpt1212
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You can do it! Stay strong. The urge to contact may be stronger but disappointment you will feel if you do will be stronger---and I say that b/c when we have such a pull to make contact that we know we shouldn't it is always a let down, b/c it never compares to what it is we want.

August 4, 2005
1:16 am
Avatar
Sunnysunshine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

yes I can't go back to that abusive relationship no matter how sweet he was..

Im just so scared as it is... why should I.. yes I cannot... I cannot..

August 4, 2005
1:17 am
Avatar
EJ
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Sunny,

When I get the urge to contact my estranged husband, I try not to think about how great it will be tonight or tomorrow, but what it will be like 2 weeks or a month down the road, when everything is back to "normal". That always stops me cold!

Good luck,
Love EJ

August 4, 2005
1:28 am
Avatar
Sunnysunshine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you cpt yes there is nothing good for me there

Yes yes EJ yes,

a month a head there is nothing..

only probably the same saddness..

there is nothing to look forward to.. even if I do contact him now.. nothing there.. nothing there!!

August 4, 2005
1:30 am
Avatar
cpt1212
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If this is a moment where you feel it may help to remove the temptation. Log off or delete his as a buddy so you are not able to see him online.

I know it can be hard, and let me just say that I am proud of you for recognizing what you need and doing something about it.

August 4, 2005
1:34 am
Avatar
Sunnysunshine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you cpt..

I just closed the messenger.. I had him canceled.. so I wasnt expecting to see it...

I closed...

August 4, 2005
1:37 am
Avatar
cpt1212
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Good for you!

August 4, 2005
1:40 am
Avatar
SassyAlex
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow, that takes a lot of strength, I know. I have been good about not contacting the ex, but I have to admit I'm logged on IM now with a name he doesn't know so I can see when he's looking for me.

Sick, I know, but at least I'm not contacting him!

Yes, there comes a day when deleting takes place.

I'm just not there yet!

August 4, 2005
1:42 am
Avatar
Sunnysunshine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thank you....

I just paniced.

All the emotion still so raw. And just when the scares were wearing out.

He probably doesnt have a clue to what I am going through....

August 4, 2005
1:43 am
Avatar
Sunnysunshine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Um... yeah,,, I havent been able to delet him out though...

I just closed him... I hope that having him canceled he didnt see me online....

August 4, 2005
1:51 am
Avatar
Sunnysunshine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

He is probably just moving in the new girl into that account..

Deleting my files.. probably.....

nothing there for me.. shouldnt even think about it!

August 4, 2005
1:58 am
Avatar
BelovedBeliever
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sunny,
I know exactly how you feel about RAW emotions. It is physically painful in an indecribable way. You are right in that he has NO IDEA what you are going through and wouldn't handle it right if he did! So tell us, not him. Just remind yourself that talking to him before didn't work, so what would change that now? It still would be futile.
I suffer from insanity at times which is "doing the same thing over and ove and expecting a different result". I am usually a fast learner and very smart but like someone on another thread said I too have a Jello head when it comes to him and it is taking me years to become "sane" and I am not there yet. Do not talk to him and I won't talk to my estranged husband. I write him letters in my head daily. Sometimes hourly. I look at the phone. I pull up an email page, and on and on. I keep thinking if I just explain my feelings the right way he will get it..............dumb, dumb, dumb on my part.........he NEVER gets it! Tells me to GET OVER IT. So don't do it Honey. Don't submit yourself to more pain or rejection. I am preaching to myself here too, because it is SO hard to be strong. Let's hang in there together. OK?

August 4, 2005
2:17 am
Avatar
Sunnysunshine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

BelovedBeliever

Thank you. Yes, in my mind too I write mails to him to explain my emotions..

Yet, probably he will never understand what the circumstanses were. I couldnt communicate with him no more because his tone just scared me and his expectations pushed on me.

Should I have tried?? Shouldnt have he settled himself to give us more time before he just shut closed on me so fast??

Yet, he blamed me for stopping to communicate him and that it was my fault to end it all.

August 4, 2005
2:39 pm
Avatar
kathygy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sunny, you said this relationship was abusive and you don't want to go back to that. "Should I have tried?? Shouldnt have he settled himself to give us more time before he just shut closed on me so fast??"

It doesn't matter if you don't want to go back to the relationship and you are right to stay away from someone who is abusive unless you want more abuse. The fact that he didn't give you more time tells me that he wanted out. Don't waste anymore of your precious time trying to explain yourself to this man. You deserve much better. You sound like you can be strong and cut ties with this man for yoru own sanity.

love,
kathy

August 4, 2005
2:54 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

SassyAlex, I have a "hidden" screenname as well for the exact same reasons:) We're so baaaaaaad *grin*

I'm on day 12 of no contact!!!

August 4, 2005
3:05 pm
Avatar
SassyAlex
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

plzdon'tsayuneedme, so funny! Do you know how many people out there have different screen names? A lot more than would admit! Good job on day 12! That's a long time.

BelovedBeliever, I too have been having physical pain as a result of the emotional pain. My chest hurts almost all of the time, and I'm on the verge of tears pretty much all the time when I'm out in public. These early times are so difficult!! It's hard to ever imagine I'll be OK.

And as far as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome, boy do I know that one well too. I also feel like if I could just make myself clear enough, if I just made him hear me enough that something will somehow change. Well it doesn't. Just like you guys I look at my phone constantly. I feel like there is so much I want to say to him, but it's all been said. I'm tired. I have written him emails too, just saving them to draft. I have stopped myself because I don't feel that he is worth any more of my effort (even though I am spending a lot of effort, but at least he doesn't receive any of it).

August 4, 2005
5:17 pm
Avatar
Sunnysunshine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you guys!!!

Today I feel so proud of myself being able to stay away from him and not contacting him.

kathygy, yes yes yes!!! I think I am feeling so good about myself and being able to keep myself insane is because I didnt contact him yesterday.

I hope to keep this up!

Thank you so much you guys!!

August 5, 2005
12:48 am
Avatar
BelovedBeliever
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sassy, I have chest pains too. And my eye keeps twitching. But have to share a revelation or maybe more of an epiphany that happened today. After I went to bed last night, well really was about 4 am and I am supposed to get up for work at 5am, I was SO VERY LONELY for my husband. I wrote on another thread how much I just wanted to feel him or smell him, whatever, and I didn't hold up my end of the bargain. Sorry Sunshine. I texted him and said that I wish he was laying next to me with his leg over mine (like we used to) and I wish he was kissing the back of my head and saying Goodnite Punkin, and then I wrote and I wish you were making love to me instead of F*****g her. I know, I am an idiot. And then I cried and cried and cried and ended up calling in to work for today because my eyes were so swollen and I hadn't had any sleep. I just came back to work this past Monday from being off for two weeks Leave of Absence because of stress and anxiety. My bosses did not have to let me take it as I have not worked there a year yet, but they were kind enough to. And today I let them down. I could hear the disappointment in my direct Supervisors voice when I called her this afternoon to say I WILL be there tomorrow. Any way, my husband is not too cell phone savvy, and sometimes doesn't know how to even get his messages or especially Texts, so I don't know if he even read it or not. But then today,he left a message on my cellphone, while I was sleeping the day away, for me to call him. I called at around 6 pm and he wanted to know if I would pay our car insurance until tomorrow when he gets paid, but nevermind now because I called you nine hours ago and now it is too late. Nothing whatsoever about the Texts. But him not saying anything would be par for the course because that is just how he has become. Anyway, when I finally woke up, I had been having an awful nightmare about him and everyone coming at me for answers and many of the problems in our relationship were played out in this dream. It was amazing actually.But I woke up realizing what I am letting this man do to me. Do to my mind. Making me crazy. Making me think about suicide. Interrupting my life. I could lose my job if I keep this up. And it is a great job at a great place........and I got sooooo mad at him and what I was allowing him to make me feel, that I said outloud, "NO MORE". He is not worth it! No one is. If he thinks I am not good enough for him, too bad for him. It will be his loss. I have wanted so badly to get to this point. But you just cannot fake it. I prayed alot, and thanked Him for bringing me to this point and asked for wisdom, courage, discernment, patience and strength. Then I got out of bed and got all ready and went out and saw a great movie all by myself and am going to bed here in a minute and am really feeling like tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my life. I know that I will probably cry again, but I also know that it will not be the same helpless, hopeless crying I was doing last night. This is nothing short of a miracle. To have even one moments peace in my mind and heart......I forgot what it felt like. And I truly feel like the wisdom you all have been sharing intensely with me the last couple of days has been the key. Sunshine I am going to keep praying for you and Sassy you too, that we all believe we are good just the way we are and will heal.

August 5, 2005
12:58 am
Avatar
SassyAlex
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

BelovedBeliever, what a great post. Thank you for opening up and sharing things that must be difficult to admit. I too have stayed up all night lately, sleeping weird hours, barely sleeping at all, then trying to make up for it with naps which screws me all up again. I too have woken up with swollen eyes, and I too have felt so close to text messaging him. I'm so sorry he didn't even acknowledge your text. So he is with someone else? I don't know how I would handle knowing that.

It's true, we as codependents allow others to make us feel so horrible and mess up our lives. I have barely had any energy lately for anything, I have to force myself to do everything. It's so hard to do positive things for yourself when you just want to curl up in a ball.

He's been so immature and untrustworthy, but yet I still miss as you do. I have to keep reminding myself of the bad things to keep me away.

Hugs!

August 5, 2005
1:29 am
Avatar
Sunnysunshine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Beloved Believer,
I am so happy for you that you feel that you have over come him. And try to keep that feeling going repeatedly.

Please do take care of yourself since you and only you can take good care of your own self.

I was able to stay way from him yesterday and yes I do feel good today. I feel miles away from what I was feeling yesterday same time as now. But, try to keep on holding on to this feeling and try not to fall backc that is which I was about to almost do.. a little while ago.. but I tried to remind myself a month from now I could even be at a worst placec

Huggs to you and loves and cares to you so that we can keep ourselves strong to not let him take part of you away.. Donft let this ruin your life what you have now!!!!

Still at work, I do run to the bathroom and cry.. softlyc. Thinking.. I might be wasting my tear for nothing..

August 5, 2005
5:47 pm
Avatar
BelovedBeliever
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sorry for being so windy, without making a break in my typing. I am new. I will get with the program!

August 6, 2005
9:00 am
Avatar
Sunnysunshine
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

BB,

Oh no not at all!
I think the way things are written doesnt matter at all! The material you have written to me here helped me tons.

And I think that is what is most important!

Thank you so much~~~
*smile*

August 6, 2005
12:50 pm
Avatar
BelovedBeliever
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sassy,
I couldn't handle it. It is like a nightmare. Which I ended up really having. I keep dreaming that he comes toward me to kiss me or hold me, as my husband and then looks right at me and turns away. Then I dream that there are other men there paying attention to me and he just keeps on rejecting me, when it is him I want with all of my heart. I wake up with tears on my face.

Sassy, I am getting it together though. Sometimes it seems like thoughts are bombarding my mind. Our pastor calls these the "mind monsters". And I do not even realize that I am playing things over and over in my mind until all of a sudden I am at the store and don't remember driving there or whatever.

I have started telling myself new things to contradict the negative thoughts, such as "we were not good for each other".

I think back with clarity at times, many times when I thought I am not happy with him, but I am committed, I took a vow, and I will make the best of it.

I loved him, I still love him, but he was never really in love with me like I was him. And if this makes any sense, sometimes I think I am missing something that never really was. Only something that I pretended to myself that we had.

Think I am thinking too much here..........oh, that is another thread. lol

I can remember writing these kinds of things to my husband and he would say, "Whhhaaatttt the hell are you trying to say???? He never got it.
Therein lies the problem.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
25
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110977
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714261
Newest Members:
swright, nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why..
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information