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another never ending cycle
August 2, 2009
5:10 pm
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pianogirl
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For the past six years, I have been in a relationship that is stuck in a never ending cycle. I love this person and I believe he loves me as much as he can, but his sharp rebukes, his impatience with minor things (like not getting to the door as soon as he rings the bell etc) and his "digs" drive me to break up with him just to restore some peace of mind. But the peace of mind doesn't last and I am soon in agonizing pain because I miss him so much. I have tried dating others during our "off" times, but all I can think about is him. Then I see him again in the course of daily living. (We live in the same smallish town and go to the same organizations.) He tells me he misses me dearly and the cycle starts again. We are ecstatic for a while until the little digs start happening again.

We are currently off. It hurts him terribly when I tell him I just want to be friends, but he just can't seem to get it that he stresses me out. I believe that he is harmful to my emotional health.

The funny thing is that he comes across as happy-go-lucky and charming, which attracted me to him in the first place. It seems to be very genuine. Most people who know him only casually would not believe how difficult he can be.

The second funny thing is that when I am at my best and actively involved with my life and career, he behaves at his worst with me. When I am depressed and sick, he is tender and loving. He is always there when I need help.

Thanks for listening.

August 2, 2009
5:30 pm
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razor
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Pianogirl,
the thing that caught my attention about your post was....he is at his worst when you are at your best. I think some people are so insecure that they cannot handle a person they think is doing well. Its as if that means you don't need them.... Just my opinion of course.

But good for you for seeing this. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. You shouldn't have to put on a front for anyone.

August 2, 2009
6:31 pm
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CAMER
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sounds like a love/hate relationship...i've been thru them b4.

Decide if you truely, want to be with him, the way he is and if you can accept him for the good & the bad.

Relationships are tough as it is, but if you are more unhappy than happy, that could be a sign.

Most importantly, never lose YOU in a relationship, focus on your career, your wants and needs and for that your bf should be happy!!

Know you are not alone.

August 2, 2009
6:40 pm
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atalose
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Sounds like he may have his own codependency issues going on! If he acts up while you are at your best with your life and career then he’s insecure with that. But when you are down and depressed he’s right there lovingly taking care of you.

What does he say when you mentioned his shortness and impatience with you?

The cycle can end but only if you end it. Maybe you should focus on why you continue to go back for more? Does that happen when you are at your low needing to hear how much someone loves and misses you?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

August 3, 2009
11:04 am
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pianogirl
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Thank you, Razor, Camer and Atalose for your responses. Atalose, you asked what he says when he is short with me. It is strange to me that I cannot remember what he says! Isn't that weird? But I find myself measuring words so that he won't say something harsh. Sometimes he just says "What?!" in an impatient way.

I go back for more because I miss our good times so much. I miss him, the part of him that I love. Does this hurt mean that I should be with him? Or is it something that I have to work through in order to find freedom and joy again.

I didn't mention that he is an unemployed construction worker and he is dealing with health issues related to his Type 1 diabetes. His unemployment is running out soon. We live in one of the most depressed counties in the country with double digit unemployment. I feel like I am adding to his misery by "abandoning" him.

August 3, 2009
3:48 pm
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caraway
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pianogirl,

Firstly, let me say that I am sorry you are unhappy and unstettled right now. I am sorry.

I can really relate here to the struggle you describe. It sounds like you are saying that you care about him and would want to be with him, if he were different. If he didn't cut you down, seemingly want to bring you down to his level? It sounds like he wants you to be low where he is, so he can relate and be supportive?

I know there is nothing that I can say to make you see this as clearly as someone from the outside, someone who has been through it, but here goes... He is never going to change, or be who/what you need him to be. You can go through the hurt now, or put it off and do it later.

Could you stop going to those places where you run into him for 30 days? Stop talking to him? Stop communicating with him until you are strong enough to be on your own? Missing him doesn't mean that you love him nor does the hurt and fear.

It sounds like he will always try and drag you down to his level and not encouage you to have the joy and happiness you describe.

I've been guilty of trying to change people myself and never succeeded.

cary

August 3, 2009
8:20 pm
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pianogirl
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Caraway,
I have never been involved in Internet discussion threads before. I just happened upon this site during my search on-line for insights into my problem. I am comforted that real people out there, like you, care enough to reach out and respond with kindness and empathy.

One problem with not going to those places where I run into him... is that one of those places is where I work.

But you are right. I am either going to go through the hurt now or put it off later. I am in counseling with a wonderful woman who told me: "Speak your truth without harm or judgement and then detach from the outcome." That last part, detaching from the outcome is my challenge. He told me that he feels like I am abandoning him, that the turmoil I am putting him through is affecting his blood sugar levels. And then there's always the question of what will people think who saw us in the past as a happy couple? (I can't believe what I am writing, but it is rather cathartic to get it out in the open!)

I feel like I am standing at a cliff's edge with a fire at my back and I have to jump.

Thank you for your help.
Pianogirl

August 4, 2009
8:37 am
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caraway
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pianogirl,

"Leap and the net will appear."

You are not responsible for his happiness, his blood sugar, or what anyone thinks. We here have been guilty of living our lives for other's needs and happiness.

This is about you and what you want for your life and that isn't a selfish act. It is healthy and normal for you to take care of yourself first.

You can do this!

Cary

August 4, 2009
1:19 pm
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atalose
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Caraway……you said it perfectly……….leap and the net will appear!!!!!! So true, yet we all stand at that provable cliff’s edge waiting. And I ask waiting for what? Waiting for them to change? Waiting for the right time? Waiting for exactly what? What holds us back is the exact answer to our future happiness.

piano………what I asked was his response when you tell him you don’t like the manner in which he speaks to you? What does he say when you express your hurt feelings about how he speak to you?

And no you are not that powerful to be responsible for HIS blood sugar levels for if you were you’d be the cure for diabetes and a living miracle.

And these people that you care so much about what they think are they living with you? Are you so close to them that they can’t see your unhappiness day to day? Are they so judgmental that you’d rather stay miserably and talked to like a door mat then have “these people” say something. And what are you so afraid they are going to say?????

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

August 4, 2009
5:40 pm
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truthBtold
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pianogirl,

You said it yourself already:

"I believe that he is harmful to my emotional health."

That's the bottom line, you know?

You have pretty much figured that much out already for yourself, you see that?

I swear, I don't care which way you try to slice it and how much time has passed.....gut feelings will never, EVER let you down.

This bears repeating.....GUT FEELINGS WILL NEVER, EVER LET YOU DOWN!!!!!!!

If you have always felt that twinging in your heart - that compulsion that: 'somethin just ain't right here....." then by cracky - somethin JUST AIN'T right.

Just the way it all shakes out. I don't know WHY that is - I just know that IT IS!

Believe you me girlfriend, I have wasted more time and years and even DECADES then I care to admit for NOT heeding that inner voice of mine that said to me.....'somethin' ain't right here...."

If you feel deep down in your guts and in your heart of hearts that 'somethin' ain't right here.....then you better well believe it that somethin' ain't right and it is truly YOUR CUE and BAROMETERand in your innner best interest to just bow out and step out of the situation and change course.

Bar none. NO EXCEPTIONS.

Otherwise, (take it from me) it WILL plague you and then - all of a sudden you wake up tens years from now and say to yourself - where in the hell did my life go???????

Like Barney Fife used to say in the old Andy Griffin shows of the 1960's - you gotta 'nip it."

"Nip it, nip it, nip it" in the bud already before it totally overtakes and ruins your life...........

If you don't believe me, than take a little cue from Barbara Walter's book entitled: "Audition."

Time and time again she went against her own gut feelings in relationships and marriages only to result in just a whole heap of wasted time and energy in the end.

Take it from us older gals......if you feel that somethin' ain't right - then by cracky - somethin' ain't right and that's the end of the story............

tBt

August 4, 2009
5:46 pm
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CAMER
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wow TBT...well said!!!

and I am one of the older girls (40's) well not too old!! who can vouch for that....time wasted, should have listened to that inner voice.....Life does go by fast & grab the good times when you can, & be true to YOU!!

August 5, 2009
5:16 pm
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pianogirl
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You guys are great!
Caraway, I love that line: Leap and the net will appear. Guess what? I did leap. I told him it was over. It took me two days to convince him. I refused to let him kiss me and I didn't respond back when he told me he loved me. When he FINALLY got that I meant business, he railed about the unfairness of this, how he didn't want to start over again with someone new, he felt like running in the street screaming, he was confused, hurt, abandoned...(I took notes after)..."I don't get this, I am a good guy", on and on. But not one word of concern about MY pain.

And Atalose, I realize that I misunderstood your question. Whenever I tried to discuss with him how his words affected my feelings, he responded in denial. He not only didn't take responsibility for hurting my feelings, he somehow turned it around and blamed me for doing to him what I had minutes before told him he was doing to me. Because I never felt a resolve, I would go back to my point and he accused me of repeating myself and not letting it go. It was strange.

tBt, thanks for putting this into perspective. It would have been better to nip it before six years of this. But it could have gone on a lot longer.

Here is the problem. Yesterday, I was feeling finally a measure of peace, something I haven't felt in a long time. Today, I feel like crying and it is hard to get things done, kind of like I am spinning my wheels. This is when I am vulnerable, but I will not pick up that phone!!! I will keep reading what you have written.
Thank you.
Pianogirl

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