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Another lost ship.
September 12, 2000
7:41 pm
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RGK
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So I am new to this whole talk about what's eating you thing. I guess the problem is that I was talking to someone about lost loved ones. It made me bring up someone I lost a long time ago along with very complicated feelings that went along with it. It's making each day very long and hard. Everytime I think I have a grasp on it, I realize I don't. I guess I don't know where I go from here. Any thoughts? Thanks.

September 12, 2000
7:45 pm
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Molly
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Time heals all wounds. I find that writing helps.

September 12, 2000
7:59 pm
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RGK
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It's been a very long time (12 years). I guess in many ways it has made me the person I am. I was in highschool and a camp counselor at a youth camp. One day, I was playing with some other kids in a field and this one particular kid (one I was very close to because I am the only child in my family) was playing by himself and his ball rolled out into the street. He was hit by an oncoming car. I was stunned. I couldn't move but I felt myself eventually running to him. He died two days later.

I remember one night during the camp, he slept in the counselors tent, with his sleeping bag next to mine because he was so afraid of the tall fields where his tent was. I sat up all night watching the stars with him. I promised him I would never let anything happen to him because he was like my little brother. Apparently I lied. I hope wherever he is that he is no longer afraid. I hope that would forgive me wherever he is.

September 12, 2000
10:27 pm
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Molly
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Have you talked to anyone about thisbefore? 12 years is a long time to hold on to this guilt. I don't think you lied, life is not in our controll. We are foolish if we think we have any controll or real responsibility, when it comes to accidents, or illness. We do the best that we can. This is where I believe faith in God is helpful, I know how can there be a God, or what kind of God would let this tragedy happen, however if we believe in a power greater than ourselves, it helps us to keep in focus, what we can controll and what we cannot. The serenity prayer would work, as well as forgiving your self. I am sure if you have held on to this as your fault, this has indeed made you the person you are today. If the child was an angel and came to speak with you , I think he would thank you for being there for him when he was scared, and that he new better than to run into the street to chase a ball with out looking and that he wants you to celebrate life. I think that you would benifit by spending some time with a minister, or rabbi, or a counselor, you need to get this out and put it where it belongs. I am so sorry for your experience, and so sorry that you have kept this inside for so long. You don't have to hurt anymore, it was not your fault. God Bless you, and I hope you reach further for peace.

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