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Another heartbreaking holiday
December 26, 2005
5:46 am
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Zinnie
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Well folks, long time no talk to. I hope all of you are well and happy and had a nice holiday - whichever one you choose to celebrate.

I should have had a nice one, I was home for the month, the kids are here, seven grandchildren - one who is now closing in on five, a set of twins running every which way, and a set of triplets, two of whom are walking... and a daughter thank the Lord who is up and walking more often than sitting in a wheelchair.

The old-timers here know what kind of Christmas I had in 2002, but, I survived. However, I have to ask, can the heart only take so much?

I find out I need more surgery - to remove more painful adhesions that have returned. My brother (who for some reason, I kept putting at the ripe old age of 48, but was only 45) died suddenly in his sleep of a brain anuerysm (sp?), but there was some comfort in knowing that it was peaceful.

My Mom has been complaining that she was not feeling well for a while, yet, when she would go to the Dr. he would say "there is not a thing wrong with you!" Finally, my sister flew down to LA and went with Mom to the Dr. who proceeds to tell my sister "well, I really don't listen that much to your Mother she is a lost soul."

My Mother is a lot of things - a "lost soul" is not one of them. Sister takes Mom back to Northern California with her - Mom still complains she is not feeling well. On Thanksgiving night she goes to the emergency room, where they do emergency surgery on her gallbladder. So, all should be fine... however, they kept her for over a week - which is a little odd for gallbladder surgery these days - or so I'm told. I call to check on Mom week before last and ask "when do youthink you can go home" - and my Mother NEVER one to mince words replies "well, I don't know now, I have lung cancer."

So rounds and rounds of tests later, it is determined that it is so widespread that radiation is out, surgery is impossible, but chemo is a possibility. Inside I'm cringing - all of the people I have ever met at the cancer center while dealing with my own mess, they are never with us long.

Mom goes "home" which is now my sisters house and seems to be doing fine - sassy as ever. Wednesday she seemed O.K., Thursday a little down, Friday back to the ER, then directly to the oncology center. Through lots of pull and determination on my sister and her in-laws parts (her father-in-law, and all four sister-in-laws are Dr.'s) hospice is brought in right away. Mom is now on straight morphine, not the bulb's like I had, but the straight stuff; and we have been told she has maybe a week to live.

I am having my adhesions cleaned out this morning... leaving for the hospital myself shortly. I'm hoping to be able to travel by Thursday, I'm praying against all hope and odds that my Mom will still be with us. I have many mixed emotions and so many things I wish I could clear up before the end, but, I can't - and I have decided that's O.K., but she is still my Mom and I still love her - and I want to say good-bye.

I only pray I can.

December 26, 2005
6:14 am
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Zinnie
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And away we go... I'm having my laprascopy done this morning - and if all goes well I can fly out to California Thursday or Friday.

I only hope I can stop crying by then. I have not felt this hopeless in three years.

December 26, 2005
6:30 am
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snowlover
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Zinnie.....I am so sorry. I wish I knew some words to say to take this pain from you, and your heart. I cannot imagine to understand how you must be feeling, so i wont say that I understand.

The only thing that brought me strength when my Grandmother died a few months ago was that i knew that she was no longer in any pain. The loss I felt from losing her was lessened a little knowing that she no longer suffered.

So, that is what i will wish for you, your Mother, and your entire family. No more pain for any of you.

Hugs to you......snow

December 26, 2005
8:44 am
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Tumbleweed8
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Z, I'm so sorry to hear this. Even though I know some about you and these problems, I still find it hard to know the right words which will give you some comfort at this time. You know I prayed your mother could overcome her problems, but sometimes even given a whole lifetime here people just don't overcome them. I will pray again for all of you and I do hope you will get to see your mother again, but mainly you have to be able to heal, too. You really have to be up to traveling first so you don't do damage to yourself which I'm sure you realize especially having gone through so many surgeries. I have to think of how it is said so often that we need to forgive others for our own benefit and I know how hard that is to do. I have gone through months of trying to come to terms with things from my past and you think you have really let go this time, then find things still smouldering under the surface. When something hurts, it hurts and it can't be denied forever. All the keeping busy in the world doesn't really take it away. I know. Whether or not you do get to see your mother again though, you can try to forgive her and let her go at least as much as is possible so you can move on with your life. It would have also been nice if she could have some kind words to say to you before she goes or even write you a note which I guess maybe you could write her one if you wanted to, also. But she may not have the words, unfortunately because we are where we are in our stage of growth and sometimes the right words which would help someone else just don't come to mind. Now her mind is influenced with the drugs so unless she has a moment of clarity, it is going to be hard and I know how much you want to hear the right words. Having been where I was before, perhaps I can have some of those words for you. You know how I hurt because I know I hurt my family and I've tried to express how I feel about it and in their own way they try to understand, too. I can not blame them for moving on with their lives because in any case that is what children are meant to be doing. I just want that for you, too, Z. That you can keep moving forward because I know you are a very strong person and I admire your strength and courage and ability to have compassion for others. I'm very happy to hear your daughter's good news. You are not forgotten, Z. Love and Hugs!

December 26, 2005
9:39 am
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tooscared
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Hi Zinnie. I found your thread by reading on Tumbleweed's. Thanks for letting us know you were posting so we could respond.

I am like Tumbleweed and truly don't know what words of comfort to say or even how to pray.

First of all, I pray that your surgery this morning will be an easy one with no complications. I hope that you have very little discomfort and the surgery does what it needs to do. I know that you are hoping to say goodbye before your mom passes away. I do pray that it is possible, but if it doesn't happen that way, then please know that you have been a good daughter and that your mom has had many problems of her own that have affected the way she has treated you.

Please know you and your family will be in my prayers this week. I am also sorry about you losing your brother to the brain anurism(sp?). Seems like sometimes the pain and heartache just doesn't stop. I do pray that you can be comforted now by those around you and that you will have a peace about the situation that passes all understanding during this really hard time.

Love, TS

December 26, 2005
1:03 pm
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Shaney
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Wow, Zinnie - my thoughts and prayers are with you. I've seen my step dad, my uncle, and a family friend through cancer - and as little reserve as you feel that you have to offer at this time - the strength is there. Keep waking up, praying, and doing what you can to see this through... and then pray some more. Honestly, it's all we can do. Although there may be some unresolved issues (there always are, it seems), know that your being there is the greatest gift you can give to someone who is going through what your mother is experiencing right now. I've always considered it an honor to be at someone's side when they need you the most. Their appreciation and contententment is there, whether you know it or not. Try to find a little happiness in that. I'll be praying for you through this most difficult situation - I know it well. I'll also be praying for your own health - please take care of yourself. :o)

Love - Shaney

December 26, 2005
1:21 pm
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mj
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Love to you Zinnie

So sorry to hear all your news. Focus on what you can do to heal thyself and know you don't have to do it alone.

(((((((Zinnie)))))))))

December 26, 2005
6:13 pm
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chloeysmomma
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(((((((((((zinnie))))))))))))))))) i love u and miss u hugs love chloeysmomma your in my prayers and thoughts daily

December 27, 2005
5:44 am
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bonita1
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Zinnie!! Beautiful lady!!

I am so sorry about your brother passing and now your mother is so ill. I pray that you do make it in time to see your mom still among the living so that you can say goodbye.

My thoughts and prayers will be with you. Keep us posted.

~~(((((hugs))))) from bonita

December 28, 2005
12:33 am
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Zinnie
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I came through my "mini-surgery" just fine - the adhesions which were causing so much pain have been removed, and I only have four little incisions where they cut, and my belly button is sore as that is where they insert the camera that they use during the surgery.

I have talked several times with my sister over the last few days and Mom is "maintaining" I guess is the best word to use. They have brought in a hospital bed which is a lot more comfortable for her to be in. She is also on oxygen and my sister said that with her on that, it makes it much easier for her to breathe - she does not appear to be struggling to breathe. As my Mom and my sister are unbelievably close I'm glad that she is there with my sister instead of being at home alone or in a hospital. Mom is married, but, sadly her husband like her is an alcoholic and I don't know what the words are to describe him - self absorbed? Lazy? Or maybe even just non-demonstrative. This does not seem to be effecting him much - I asked him if there was anything else that I could send; as I had sent Mom about five nightgowns, and some robes, underthings - stuff of that nature, and he just replied "uh, money is good..." I know lot's of issues there too. But, Mom is the concern.

They are still saying about a week, although she is comfortable and for that I'm grateful. I won't know until Thursday or Friday if I will be up to traveling, and my sister and I had a really long talk about me not feeling guilty if I could not make it. In her book, I'm doing all the hard stuff by contacting everyone, telling them what is going on and fielding all the phone calls. Of course, to me she has the hardest job in the fact that she is physically caring for Mom and sadly watching her die before her eyes. But, we are dealing with it as best as we can.

Thanks for listening, and thank you for all of your prayers... I will post more later.

Love to all,

Z.

December 28, 2005
12:40 am
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DoTheyNetwork
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My Prayers are with you and your Family Zinnie.
Network

December 28, 2005
1:31 pm
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Juanita
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Zinnie ~

Just found this thread today as my time here is so limited. I am sorry I did not see it before. You know you hold a special place in my heart & my thoughts are with you. I wish I would have know about your pain before this.... not that I could have done more than I do now which is to offer my caring, sympathy, and support.

*sigh* I am terribly sorry for all the pain you are going thru. Wish I could do more than 'this'.

My heart goes out to you. You are such a good person. Wish I could take the pain away from you & give you some ease of spirit.

((((((((( hugs to you )))))))))

You are in my thoughts,

J

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