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Another day, but today is different.
August 14, 2008
5:31 pm
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CrazyPink
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Today is different. Why you ask? I don't know, I haven't really figured it out, except I'm gaining a sense of power. I have realized that I need to look up and I need to seek out something positive. I want my ex and me to work out...but I have to work on myself first. I have to better myself. If he saw how I've been living, eating, sleeping, crying, everything he would be very disappointed. I dont want this, so today I have decided to hold my head up high and look for the future. I want to be with him in the future, so I need to act like it. I need to be the person I want to be, happy. So today, I'm going to clean. I'm going to straighten up my apt and pack some more. I'm going to take a long shower and really shower. Not hop in and hop out 5 min later. I am going to do my hair even. Haven't done it in over a month! I want to enjoy life and I think he does too. I have to get ready for school starting soon and I'm moving this weekend. I finished my first book and am ready to start changing for the better. I want to change for myself and for him.

I just wanted to say that. I'll write it in my journal too. Thanks for listening.

August 14, 2008
6:33 pm
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grannygirl
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Glad you're feeling better.

Good luck to you.

August 14, 2008
6:41 pm
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CrazyPink
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Thank you granny. 🙂 Its not that Im feeling better, its that I've come to realize that in order for me to be the girlfriend he needs and wants I have to be positive. I have to take care of myself. I put myself in his shoes this morning. I wouldn't want someone like me! So I have to be someone I myself would love. I want to love myself.

August 14, 2008
7:02 pm
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Giggles_29
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((((CrazyPink)))) Congrats on your epiphany so to speak !!! That's awesome, YES you are right you need to love yourself first. !!!!! Keep on posting. :o) @--]---- Giggles

August 14, 2008
7:11 pm
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CrazyPink
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Thanks giggles!!! Im trying.

August 14, 2008
7:29 pm
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StronginHim77
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To me, this is not an "epiphany" moment for you. It is not sitting well with me at all. In fact, I am deeply troubled by what you posted. You are trying to be what he wants/needs you to be, so that he will come back? WHOA. Major codependency. That is so not right. Working your tail off to please a man, so that he will take you back. That guy doesn't deserve you. It is not healthy to work on changing ourselves FOR THE PURPOSE OF GETTING THE GUY BACK. If he can't love you and want you for WHO YOU ARE, let him go. He ain't worth it.

- Ma Strong

August 14, 2008
7:49 pm
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fantas
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I'm glad you are making progress even though he is still your motivation. I think as you keep working on yourself you may find that you feel better and no longer wish to be with him. On the other hand, he may see that you are moving on without him and he might try to get you back and you may not want him. Regardless of outcome, keep taking care of yourself and take it each day at a time. The truth is, you only have today. Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is never guaranteed so live today like it's your last day:)

Keep us posted!!

August 14, 2008
8:12 pm
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CrazyPink
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Strong-

Perhaps I worded it wrong. I am working on myself for me first and foremost, however I am also doing it for him. He loves me for who I am, but I am also mean at times and dont have to be. He can love me and hate things about me. Those are the things I need to change, not just for him, but also for myself. So I can be a better and happier person within my own life.

August 14, 2008
8:30 pm
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butterfly_wisdom
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I've had these same "inspirations" in my relationship too... then I think, if he can't love and be there for me for all of me (up, down, and everywhere inbetween), then how can I trust that he is really the one for me. How could it be true love if it's only there when things are good? Not meaning to bring you down. I'm a big advocate of "fake it till you make it" "look good feel good" and keeping a positive outlook. Just make sure you are doing it for you without thinking of him for once. Easier said than done and that's why I have to remind myself every day.

August 14, 2008
8:43 pm
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lostagain27
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Hi pink! I am so glad that you are having a really good day! I give you a huge applause for that one girl. And for thinking about working on you and doing your hair and looking good. Sometimes that will make you feel better.

I have to say from past experience when I was 20 I had an ex leave me and I was crushed just like I am now. He wasn't good for me and I should have stayed away but much like your thinking now I went on a quest to make myself better. To fill my life with fun stuff, do new things and make new friends and I did it. And i have to say I was happier then than I had ever been but I did it 75% for me and 25% for him.
He eventually came back 7 months later and me I fell right back into his arms. It was one of the worst decisions i had ever made!!! If i could go back to 7 years ago i would have changed it.

We dated another 3 years and it was awful. He got arrested for grand theft, went to rehab for drugs and I paid for him to get out of his felony. I did't get anything in return. I eventually left him with no problems and went on another quest to find myself. It was hard but i did and had fun and actually did it for me but i still ended right back to where I was 3 years ago. Effed over by a toxic man.

So please take your time and make yourself better. My story wasn't to down you. BUt I want you to really work on yourself for you. You can still love him. Heck i still love both my exs.
But please don't think of him and be selfish. I promise a year from now you will be so happy and glad he is gone.

We both are in the same boat with hurt and pain in this grieving process. Go out there and paint the town red for you and not him!!! I struggle with my intentions too and to get out of the house and do it but please get out and do it. Be strong.
Hugs and I am glad you are having a great day!!!

August 14, 2008
8:55 pm
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CrazyPink
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Thank you lost. I am doing it for me. I have faith that fixing my attitude and how I look at things will benefit me in my life. Both individual and with my ex. I'm happy to say I want to change for him and me.

August 14, 2008
8:59 pm
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lostagain27
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Good I am glad that you know what you want and you go for it! You know what is best for you. I am so happy that you want to make changes in yourself and life. You are making progress today! I am so happy for you!!!

August 15, 2008
12:47 am
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CrazyPink
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Thank you!

August 15, 2008
8:29 am
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autumn128
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Hi Pink,

I think that it is a great idea to do good things for yourself.

You have to do these things for YOURSELF. Doing them on any level for any reason for your ex is a bad idea.

What if he never comes back to you?

And if he does come back to you, How is it going to feel spending your life trying to be "perfect" for him, so that he won't leave you again?

True love is sticking it out with someone through thick and thin.

Don't waste your time trying to make a man happy, by selling yourself short of your own happiness.

Autumn

August 15, 2008
9:45 am
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suzieQ_85
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ok pink, i'm going to be real honest with you. not to hurt you but because i think you will get hurt again and again and again if we dont tell you this now.

your ex left you. He has made it very clear that he doesnt want to be with you anymore.
That means that he didnt accept you for what you were. in my opinion: if you have to change urself in order to be with someone... NO GOOD.

of course, you'll have to adapt a little to have a life together but its clear he doesnt want to even have a life with you at the moment.
otherwise: HE WOULDNT HAVE LEFT YOU
please read the post: if a man wants you!!
and do all those things you just described but only for YOU YOU YOU YOU!!!

youll be fine on your own!! you have a whole amazing and beautiful life ahaead of ya!

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