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angry girl
August 21, 2001
9:10 pm
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strawbereez
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hi all ,
i am writing hoping someone out there can share with me somepersonal opinions , if professional all the better .i am a 28 yr old mom of 2 beautiful girls and have been happily married for 9 years but i have an anger problem ...

i grew up with a very short tempered strict father , who you never could tell when would blow ! and my first serious relation ship was an abusive one too physical , emotional , even rape .
so i know i have issues , its been 10 yrs now that i have really been trying to deal with my anger , and have been pretty succesful , my most horrible fear was that my anger would become so over whelming that it could affect me in raising my girls . but thank God it hasnt i am very able to handle things and when i do feel i am loosing it or feel that rush coming , i tend to put my self in a time out (away from the situation ) and get over it .the thing is i have been directing my anger at my spouse, and carry around this guilty concious like im horrible ...He is a very gentle loving man , but he has communication issues , its hard for him to talk and even harder to listen .. i have tried sooo hard to deal as best i can because i do not want to lose this guy but i feel so lonley sometimes , and when i approach him , he takes everything as a critism .. (even when its not ) i have read so much on how to speak to people by saying i feel .... or i need .. rather than you did.. or u didnt ... but it doesnt seem to work . the point is i have really lost my top about 4 times in our relationship and all the times he has forgiven me and we have continued on the last time #3 i promised would be the last , he said it couldnt happen again . but just last night he said something that really hurt me , and when i adressed it , he refused to acknowledge it and would not talk to me , it was all, aha, hmm hmm, yeaah rigth ..ect .
this enfuriated me .i threw vases around said i hated him began to cry uncontrolably , threw pizza at him and a lamp , just awful , and i asked him to spend the night in a spare room because i could not face him i felt awful ..(mychildren by the way where not witness to this they were in bed asleep ) i havent talked to him yet , and dont know if he will forgive me ..
but i need to know why i do this why i cant just walk away .. its like i want so much for him to see what i am feeling inside and he doesnt .. alot of times i feel like he doesnt want to talk to me because he is scared to , in case it sparks an arguement .....
please someone help me ... i need advice
or someone in a similar situation to share with me .....
thanks ...

August 22, 2001
10:28 am
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malaikau
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Hi Strawbereez,

I can completely relate to what you are saying about your anger. Anger is such a difficult emotion to deal with, especially for women, I think because society tends to frown on women who express their anger--while at the same time sort of saying that this is the only emotion that is masculine enough for a man to express!

The delicate thing about anger is that if it's not handled just right, then not only do you have anger, but you might have guilt and even remorse about the way you expressed it. I'm sure you are a good person with a good heart and that it must hurt you deeply inside every time you lose your temper and throw things or scream and yell.

I would ask you to begin to examine your anger in detail and try to untangle the "thread" of your anger so you can find the source. There is a possibility that the things your husband does that make you the most angry invoke this response because they remind you of a time in your past when you experienced similar feelings. Maybe if you think back to when you have felt like this before, it will help you gain new insight into yourself and what you are doing.

I would also encourage you to consider finding a professional counselor with whom you feel comfortable and can openly discuss your feelings and behaviors. Talking to someone else, especially someone skilled in dealing with these issues, could help you take the steps you want to take toward a genuine change in your life. There are lots of domestic violence shelters that offer free counseling to people who grew up in explosive households, or who have had relationships with people who have abused them.

I hope you will be able to find all the help and support you need. Don't give up, okay?

Your friend,

Malaika

August 22, 2001
11:05 am
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Cici
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Hello S,

Believe me when I say that I know where you're coming from.

I was raped myself, and in doing research on the long-term effects of abusive relationships and rape-trauma, you see that the women tend to act out their rage at what happened to them, but only within their romantic relationships! This is because it is in our relationships that we feel most comfortable to act out our anger. Rape survivors will be less likely to act out their anger on a stranger, and even less likely to act out their anger on their abuser. It is only when we feel safe and comfortable in our relationship that we let go of all teh years of buried anger. That anger can sometimes be self-hatred as well.

I learned that it's best for me to try to physically express some of that anger, especially when you're about to blow your top. My husband (tired of being my target) bought me a punching bag and hung it up in the garage. When I get out of control I just strap on some gloves and go at it, sometimes for a while, taking breaks, just trying to get the excess energy out. When I'm done I can usually think about the situation in a calmer state of mind. You can also try running, or yoga.

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