Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Anger vs Forgiveness
December 22, 2000
11:42 pm
Avatar
Asa
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I've been dealing with a lot of suppressed anger inside me for a very long time. Anger mostly about me and the things I've done or not done in life. Unfortunately it's the kind of anger that is eating away at the enthusiasm I've had for things in life and my close relationships in it, especially where it regards my wife. A lot of my anger comes in the form of criticism of her and this criticism has permeated many aspects of our marriage and even is rewriting the memories of my relationship from good to bad. This is certainly unfair to her and it fills me with much grief and guilt...even though I know the anger is really about me and how I feel about myself...which has not been that good as of late, despite the fact I'm doing well in grad school and I'm a devoted stay-at-home father for two young girls. My question is: Can someone truely eliminate anger through the process of forgiveness? The weight of this anger is getting too much and I'm desperate to find a healthy solution. FYI - Leaving my marriage and children is not a solution.

Thanks for any advice..........

December 23, 2000
1:18 am
Avatar
chook
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Asa, have you considered counselling, it sounds like you need to get to the root of your anger. A person does not just become an angry person. It has to stem from something. How was your childhood? It's very hard to concentrate on our positive attributes when we are feelng negative about ourselves. In saying that it only takes a small amount of negative self talk to bring us crashing down no matter how many positive attributes we have. You sound to me like a person who is achieving much and should be proud of yourself. I am in a marriage where my husband is very critical and angry, I fortunately for him am very understanding and tolerant and tend to think that his critisim is habitual and as you know old habits die hard. It is hard for him because the more he is angry with me and our girls the worse he feels about himself and so the angrier he is with himself. So you see the pattern forming. Please bite your pride and get some help for your self because habits can be broken and be proud of what you have achieved thus far. Merry Christmas to you and good luck.

December 23, 2000
11:47 am
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have heard, and observed that men usuall lump many emotions into the word anger. Try to break down just what exactly you are angry at, specific events, actions, and responses, then make an action plan to change it, or recreate the event even if a change of memory to remember it better. Make a list of adjectives, hurt, frustrated, abandonded, dissappointed, confused, shame, guilt, and see if this can reduce the anger, by appropriately labeling the feeling. Yes, I do believe that love can replace the anger, if you really want to break things down it is just a word that we have assigned meaning to. It is a place for energy to manifest its self, that with practice can be diverted. I find that if I use my energy in action, that I don't spend as much time in my head, and don't have as much energy behind stuff. I personally have chosen to work at being happy, and fulfilled, and must make an effort to hold on to it, not giving much energy, or thought to those things that do not serve my best interest, it takes a heck of a lot of practice, but working it keeps me focused, and better all the way around.

December 23, 2000
6:44 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Asa.

Chook and Molly gave some pretty good advice.

I'm a male who suffered heavily from much the same problem. Today I have occasional relapses but never to the same intensity as when I was younger.

In my case, I saw my wife and kids as my sole responsibility to support. Whenever, they did anything that 'set me back' a little in that struggle, I saw them as being ungrateful, inconsiderate, stupid, or worse as being downright freeloaders. I usually erupted by venting much pent up frustration and anxiety upon them. I usually realised the insanity of my gross over-reaction to a petty incident and went through the self-loathing, apologising stages of ingratiating myself with the family again. Of course, it all ended ended many years ago with a divorce and four estranged children.

Today, I realise how totally fear driven, that I really was. The fear was always highly irrational and had nothing to do with the 'present'. But I did'nt know that at the time.

My 'salvation' has been the stark realisation that 'feelings' are not necessarily 'fact'; nor are they 'my fault'. The old adage of 'counting to ten' (which never worked for me)was designed to allow for some cognitive assessment of the feelings of fear in order to establish their appropriateness for the given situation. I was always so sure that my fears were founded in a real threat that I saw no point in containing my anger. Of course, I had no trouble containing my anger if my opponent was a sixfoot six burly policeman instead of a young child. šŸ™‚ This fact only made me feel worse, hypocritical, cowardly and more fearful. It was a vicious circle.

My problem was firmly rooted in my abusive childhood. I emulated my abusive, insane father, hated my mother and saw the world as a very hostile, unfriendly place. I had to relearn just about everything about myself and the world.

Today, at 58, I'm still no angel. But, I've sure changed one hell of a lot. For me it entailed a long painful journey of self-discovery. I have very few regrets now. I have largely forgiven myself, my parents and the whole human race. For their own sake, my children have yet to do the same. Today, I have some compassion for humanity. I see the ignorance, both in them and in myself, that causes so much pain.

December 23, 2000
10:56 pm
Avatar
Asa
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The anger I feel inside probably needs to be, as Molly has suggested, broken down into categories so I can more easily assess the possible roots of my anger and deal with each separately. Of course this is easier said than done. My anger is not well defined in fact, I have more physical symptoms of this suppressed anger than I can count on two hands. I have hot flashes, burning integestion, crawling skin, headaches and alike, as well as a short-fused temper. I feel trapped by these symptoms because although they don't occupy all of my awake time like my negative thoughts do, they can be very persistent and reek havoc on my body making me less of a father and life partner than I could be.....and they have lasted for a couple of years.

Like Tez mentioned, much of this anger could be based on fear. Possibly fear of being myself in a marriage where I feel very much not myself and controled by a stonger woman. This may be part of it. But it's time to step up to the plate and do something to find some relief. thanks for your suggestions!!!!

December 27, 2000
5:58 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You might start with a small note book, and when you feel symptomatic, write down the what happened, and your response. I wouldn't try to make sense of it for a while, just notes. then when you are in a "better or good place" go back over the notes, and react to your reactions, leave spaces in the journal for your shoulda woulda coulda approach, to the circumstances. In this way you can I believe change the future based on the past. If that makes sense.

December 27, 2000
8:21 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Asa.

The 'fear' I was talking about was not a conscious thought about my fear, but a blind emotional response to a stimulus that causes an adrenaline producing eruption from the amygdala with little or no cognitive mediation.

Animals, if brutalised soon after birth, react similarly with blind rage or desparate flight to every tiny threat. Since animals are supposedly somewhat short on cognitions, there is little they can do about discriminating real from imagined threats.

However, we, being human, can come to the realisation that our animal like irrational rage responses are nothing more than a conditioned emotional responses, laid down in childhood. We can as a result, set about learning how to quickly 'speak' gently and reassuringly to ourselves during such eruptions therein soothing and pacifying the adrenalin triggering amygdala into a state of non arousal.

The consequence of not cognitively learning how to do this is that we are condemming our 'thinking self' to rationalising the irrational in a blind attempt to quench the terrible guilt that comes from the realisation that we have behaved very badly. Then further fear arousal is maintained by the terrifying thoughts that we cannot control our anger. This is very self defeating use of our cognitive power.

We need to learn to control our emotions by the gentle self nurturing thoughts rather than by self-recriminating, self-condemning hostile thoughts which only exacerbate the problem.

This has been my answer to anger over the last decade or so.

December 27, 2000
9:22 pm
Avatar
Asa
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Tez

I very much appreciate your clarification. I understood some of what you were trying to explain but I'll have to come back and look at it with a fresh morning mind.....it's been a long day.

Thanks!!!

January 7, 2001
8:45 pm
Avatar
sincere
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Asa
Jan-07-01

Again I am new at this computer thing so please forgive me if I sound wiggy! One thing I teach in my anger classes is that in order to get through it you must own your part of it. Anger is a killer that must be worked through or it will come out when least likely expected and now it will become displaced. Anger comes from hurt and pain and you must understand what part you had in keeping it inside you all this time. It is a wonderful feeling to just be able to "let go" but before we can do this we have to do some hard work. Good luck and let me know If you need more help.

January 10, 2001
10:58 pm
Avatar
Asa
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sincere,

It is amazing how I simplify my suppressed anger. I honestly believe that if I can go to the gym five days a week or hit the punching bag for an hour straight, I will be able to "properly express" and "let go" of my anger. However, many times I know the source of my anger runs very deep and while a physical workout can help alleviate the symptoms of suppressed anger, I very much fear that I am not dealing with the source of this anger in the right way and that I will be forever suffering in silence while my and anger slowly eats away at me and my relationship with my wife, family and friends. At 42, I'm starting to feel like I am running out of time and slowly finding my way back into depression...... Any comments suggestions are appreciated. thanks!

January 11, 2001
11:33 am
Avatar
tinalewina
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You sound so much like my husband, it was frightening. Until your last post where you mentioned your age, I almost believed he was seeking help!

His anger is tearing all of us apart. We (me & the boys) live in constant fear of "making Dad mad".

I don't know what to do. I am torn between protecting my children and helping him work through this (you do notice that I fail to mention myself in this equation - problem for another board, I guess:)

I don't want to go into much detail and steal your spotlight - I just thought you might be interested to hear from the other side...

January 11, 2001
1:43 pm
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Asa, have you gone to a counselor? You say you know it runs deep, have you tried any of the writing exercises? Look back on your child hood, look at your mother and father, or siblings, and your current relationship, as was mentioned in other threads, usually what we are angry at in the present has triggered something from the past. My husband in his therapy discovered that he truly had a resentment toward women, that stemmed from his mothers passive behavior, so he chose in his life strong women, and tried to make them weak, then was able to justify his behavior, and anger. It took many years before he was able to recognize this, then learn to be different. Strange but true, and if some one had asked him if he had issues with women, of course he said no, couldn't see it till he did some work, and had some one who triggered the right questions, so he could think about the answers. It took a long time to get where you are, and will take some time to get the answers, but go ahead and go to the gym, that will help with the depression, and still provide and out let, as well as perhaps a clearing for insight. Can you put a face on that punching bag, maybe that will provide a clue.

January 11, 2001
4:19 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Asa.

You said, "At 42, I'm starting to feel like I am running out of time and slowly finding my way back into depression......" Your still a young guy.

At 43 I started both ballroom dancing and going to the gym. Within 6 months, I was going 6 times a week and feeling guilty about missing the Sunday session. At 50 I took up power lifting and entered the East Coast Competition(Aust). At 51, I broke off a small part of the bone in one of my lower vertebrae trying to beat the dead lift record for the Master's Class power lifting. At 58, I'm still a young fella and going strong; still ballroom dancing 2 - 3 times a week and doing light upper body workouts. I don't need viagra. šŸ™‚ Within reason, aging is a state of mind. We can be old at thirty or young at 83. We have an 83 year old guy in the Ullysses Motor Cycle Club. He has his girlfriend(scragg šŸ™‚ ) and rides a big bike, as I do. He regards me as a young fella, yet. Life begins at 40.

Taking a psychological perspective, Molly's last posting of 11-Jan-01 is 100% spot on the mark. I cannot emphasise too much how important that I think these words of hers are to you.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
36
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110931
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38539
Posts: 714215
Newest Members:
genericsmartdrugs, ꉍč‰ŗ, stanley, LarteyWellnessGroup, dr ado spell caster, Leslie Ann Satin
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer