Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
anger release - get it out!
October 26, 2006
6:39 pm
Avatar
lolli
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

okay, just trying something new here. wanted to start this thread as a place for people to unashamedly yell/complain/scream/vent about those who abused us. I'll start with this Keanu Reeves quote I read on another thread -

"You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any butt-reaming asshole be a father." --Keanu Reeves, Parenthood

I love that. I had 4 butt-reaming assholes as "fathers." well, they weren't fathers really, just people who were married to and/or had sex with my mom and then either abused or ignored me (sometimes both).

BUTT REAMING ASSHOLES!

that felt good.

October 26, 2006
6:58 pm
Avatar
Rasputin
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am sorry Lolli for all the amount of abuse that took place in your life, esp when we are kids and innocent. We have high expectations from others, in particular our parents.

Most of us here have been abused in all its forms. So you're not alone.

There is a good book about emotional healing entitled "Beauty for ashes" by Joyce Meyer.

I haven't read this book yet, but the author is one of my favourites. She was sexually abused and had so many addictions in her life such as workaholism, smoking, betrayal by her 1st husband who left her for another woman.

Blessings & hugs, Ras~

October 26, 2006
7:23 pm
Avatar
needtoheal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lolli-- I am so sorry that you had to go through all of the abuse while you were so young...
I was also abused.. first memory is from when I was in second grade but it did not occur within the family (a friend)..

October 26, 2006
7:54 pm
Avatar
lolli
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thanks rasputin and needtoheal for your thoughts, comraderie, and the book recommendation. i haven't heard of that book, but i will check it out! it is nice for me to be able to vent my anger here and know that you empathize. some people i know wouldn't be able to handle it (they would try to get me NOT to feel it) - so i'm choosing not to tell them about it because i think it would set me back in my healing. so i'm laying it all out here in this thread!

if you (or anyone else reading this) has any anger you want to spew about your abuse, my abuse, or abuse in general... feel free to do it here. I hope this can be a place where people feel free and safe to do it without judgement. i know some people are uncomfortable with anger (both theirs and others), but it is important to remember that the feeling alone isn't dangerous. just how you choose to act on it. i think this is a safe place to feel anger... so that's what i'm trying to do. and I welcome anybody else who wants to, to do it too! 🙂

what is everybody angry about?

I'll jump in and "go" again. I'm angry that there is so much abuse in the world. it isn't fair. I'm angry that most abusers are so deep in denial they don't even have to feel the guilt and pain of knowing that they have abused others. they shouldn't get a free ticket of exemption from having to do the hard work of healing. especially if they are parents! they should have to take responsibility for hurting innocent children.

well, i'm going to go to an anger release workshop tonight. maybe that will help me get some of this out.

if not (and maybe even if so), you can bet i'll post here again! 🙂

October 26, 2006
8:00 pm
Avatar
armyleo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lolli - You said "i know some people are uncomfortable with anger (both theirs and others), but it is important to remember that the feeling alone isn't dangerous. just how you choose to act on it"

I've alway been uncomfortable, don't make waves I don't want to be mad at anyone and I don't want anyone mad at me.

...How I choose to act on it???

I wish I had heard those words last night... It would have save me so much heartache today. If you intrested and have tine, I post on my thread "...where's army?" something like that.

October 26, 2006
8:11 pm
Avatar
needtoheal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lolli--- I think that it is wonderful and inspiring that you are doing something that can help such as going to the anger release workshop...

It is so hard to deal with those angry feelings that surface..

I have chosen NO CONTACT in regards to the now ex-b/f because of all the verbal and emotional abuse that I had been subjected to...

You are right.. our offenders are incapable of seeing themselves,... they are in total denial about their abuse and anger..

My ex-b/f told me once that I instigate him to be so angry.. That is not MY Fault that he cannot deal with or control his anger..

Was it his sister's fault then when she spit on him for something he said and then he tackled her onto the driveway and broke her collarbone??? NO...I was not with him at this time... they were both adults....

I have a lot of anger right now because of the ex-b/f.. and for the ways in which he treated me...

That is why I wrote down all the things that he said and did to me and read it whenever I feel the urge to contact him...

Keep up the good work ... and keep working on YOURSELF, sweetheart..

love.
need

October 27, 2006
2:02 pm
Avatar
lolli
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Army-- I read some of your other post but didn't have time to get through all of it. stay strong! i think one of the keys to healing is to allow yourself to feel anger towards the people who deserve it (in this case- your ex and possibly even your family of origin who conditioned you towards not standing up for yourself). This will help you gain tremendous clarity. It will help you stop blaming yourself (you've suffered enough, haven't you?) and protect yourself and your girls and get on with your life. I hope you get to feel properly directed anger - it has helped me so much and I think it just might help you too:) Are you seeing a counselor? That might help you too - sometimes the best thing to do is to admit these issues are too big for us to deal with alone. Plus a good counselor can help make sure you are directing your anger in the right places and help keep it from ricocheting (sp?) back at you.

need - thank you for the inspiring words! I am so sorry you had to witness the anger in your ex-bf. sounds horrible. wow. he broke his sister's collarbone??? that is really sad and unbelievable (well, i believe it, but i mean... how could anyone do that??!!). You are so smart to make that list! I wish all abused partners everywhere would make a list like that. i'm very proud of you for doing that!

yeah, that whole "you make me get this angry" crap. abusers always say s*@t like that to keep people down. They are relying on our good feelings of empathy and our own benign need to be considerate of how our actions affect other people. Their words and our needs to "get along" and "be good" get all mixed up and then we think it is our fault. But the TRUTH is, nobody MAKES anybody else feel anything! We are each 100% responsible for our own feelings. Sometimes those feelings are appropriate as in this example:
you get mugged and your wallet is stolen. you feel scared and sad. But the mugger didn't MAKE you feel those things. Someone else who got mugged might feel a different way. They might be raging angry for example.

It is my understanding that the feelings are just there as a sign to our body/mind that we need to do something about it. For example if we feel sad, we might need to nurture ourselves so we don't get sick. Or if we feel angry it's because we need to protect ourselves, or take more precautions so the bad things don't happen again (as in your list, needtoheal!).

But what's really messed up and unfair is that repeated abuse skews and deflects and confuses our feeling-action signal. so that oftentimes our bad feelings get re-routed and then are pointed right back at us! That keeps us from doing anything about it. That is why abusers almost always say things like, "it's your fault... i'm doing this because of you... you made me do it... you deserved it..." etc. Because we hear those words, get confused, hurt ourselves, and then DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

what [email protected]#!%#$^#%^# jerks they are!!!!!!

October 27, 2006
2:07 pm
Avatar
lolli
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

oh yes, forgot to mention...

this is kind of ironic... i got lost and couldn't find the workshop last night. to make matters worse, i was on my bike, ended up on a 2-lane highway and got assaulted and almost run over by a few cars. 🙁

it was so scary. luckily, i called my bf and he came and picked me up so i didn't have to go back through the traffic to get home.

but the irony is that i was SO angry because i didn't make it to the anger workshop. it's like meta-anger. ha~

oh well, i'll try again next week (this time in my CAR). i'll let y'all know how it goes!

October 27, 2006
2:14 pm
Avatar
needtoheal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

LOLLI-------

***You are so right********

and we are people who are taking

responsibilty and accountability for

our actions and for our feelings....

Yes, he did brake his sister's collarbone... and who knows what else had gone on in that house that he thinks that it is appropriate to act out on his anger physically??!!

THESE BUTT-REAMING &*&^^&**

are ABUSERS -- who cannot take a look

at themselves... and NO ONE can ever

CHANGE them.....

I commend you for starting this thread..

I am at a very angry stage right now.

I am really mad that this MAN (pond scum)

thinks that he can charm himself back

into my life again ... that is why he

sent a text message yesterday because

he tried calling on Monday and I did

not respond.. so then he waited until
yesterday... and he made no attempt to call first....

good... i hope that he is suffering

but then again it does not matter to

me because I am so focused on mYSELF..

thanks LOLLI

You are an inspiration

October 27, 2006
3:48 pm
Avatar
lolli
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

yay, need- good for you for not answering his call or text.

"POND SCUM" - ha ha, like the choice of words!

I am glad you are angry... it is helping you protect yourself from this very dangerous man and his dangerous family. he must be so delusional to not know that he needs professional help. after he broke someone's collarbone and all. you'd think then it would have been obvious to him!

but i guess, like many abusers, he is still trying to take the "easy" way out by projecting his unreleased rage onto those who don't deserve it. and you seem like such a nice and supportive person. i bet you treated him so well. he's just trying to get more of that.

the sad thing i keep thinking is - some (all? am i guilty of this too? i hope not...) people will take as much as you will give them. they'll keep asking until you say stop. and even sometimes they'll keep asking after that. so you have to keep saying stop (or ignoring them- which seems like a good idea in yourcase!).

okay, i was only sad for a minute. now i'm angry again. who do they think they are to impose like this?! don't they have any social skills or consideration at all?! and why do WE (the ones who gave them a little bit and were nice) have to be the ones to keep laying down all the boundaries?! I think you said this once before... but I am thinking about it again now. and it SUCKS! It's NOT FAIR.

whether he knows it or not, by attempting to "charm" you back into his life, your ex is harassing you and abusing you once again. But YOU know it this time - and that's what's important.

GOOD FOR YOU for resisting the urge to engage with him at all. It seems like he is the type who would take ANY engagement (even if you said stop calling me, etc) as a positive sign. So, unless it gets to the point where you want to get a restraining order (which if it doesn't stop soon might be a good idea)... I think you are doing the right thing by ignoring him.

another thought...
Are you protected physically? i mean, does he have keys to anything of yours? just make sure you take precautions... probably he will be defeated and quit calling if you ignore him but there's always a risk. I guess you would know more than me since you know him... but my point is, make sure you protect yourself from all angles.

i'm sorry he's doing this to you. what POND SCUM.

((needtoheal))

October 27, 2006
5:25 pm
Avatar
needtoheal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thanks (((LOLLI))

He does not have any keys to my house...

I do agree with you that he would take any negativity (such as saying 'no' ) as a positive because no matter what, it is still engaging him with me... therefore that is why I have chosen NOT to speak to him at all....

I may have really pissed him off when I responded to the text message that he sent me yesterday...

I hope that I am not repeating myself but I did not tell him anything about what I was doing or how I felt...

I might have made him mad because he used to tell me that I was a nag, and ragged all the time.. So here it is --day5 no contact yesterday-- and the only response that he got out of me was this:
"love how you took off your signature. why. so the other people that you text do not know your nickname.."

then he text back :
"no already I have to defend myself. I will put it back on 4 you"

ALREADY---hmmm.. I guess he means that after not talking for 5 days that I am ragging again....

I have to admit, I was pushing his buttons... and it was controlling of me because honestly I really don't care if he does talk to anyone else... actually I feel sorry for them because I am sure that he will lure this other girl in and then be a monster to them as well..... TIGERS DO NOT CHANGE THEIR STRIPES

Lolli-- I have posted my feelings all over the place... different threads...
I was very caring and loving with this man.. I Helped him a lot... But I realized that I do have codependency issues..; and I cannot "FIX" him....
I thought that things would change.. however, things will never change with this man because he is incapable of seeing how much he hurts others../ he does not take responsibility or accountability for anything in his life......

thanks for listening and reading... and responding.....

i will check back later...
thanks for talking ... it really helped me.... a lot.....

especially now ......

this is the worst time for me...
kids going with their dad for the weekend

i have to go to work -- changed my schedule to keep me busy

hopefully i will not get any calls or text messages from him tonight...

what i did the last time was have a friend read the text first...

maybe i will be prepared and tell my friend at work that she could do that for me again ....

thanks lolli

October 27, 2006
10:33 pm
Avatar
needtoheal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lolli-- i have to give credit where credit is due... POND SCUM is what MA Strong gave him... she at first said that he was just above pond scum and then said wait,, he IS PONS SCUM

October 27, 2006
11:11 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

lolli,

great idea for a thread! I may come back later and add some vitriol and invective!!

for now, 1 book recommendation and 1 question

1) Excellent book for all us anger-stuffers: "When Anger Scares You" by John Lynch. Gave me a really good way to understand the difference between anger and rage, what is assertive and healthy, and what is not.

2) your bf? Did I miss something?

yours inquiringly and admiringly as ever, kroika

October 28, 2006
3:34 pm
Avatar
lolli
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hi need and kroika,

need- i'm glad you are keeping yourself safe. you can post his texts here if you want. we are here to listen:)

i'm curious about your feelings of kids going with dad for weekend. is it just that you miss them so much... or is something else bothering you? are they safe with him? don't want to alarm you - i'm just trying to understand and listen... and want you to know you are safe talking about your feelings here...

kroika- thanks for the book recommendation. i will check it out on amazon. about the bf- no, you didn't miss anything. i guess i haven't really talked about him here before. he's really supportive and great. somehow i got extremely lucky because i found him before i started my healing path (when my tendency was to get in BAD relationships). that's why i say it was lucky - maybe even a gift from god or freak lucky accident, lol. my relationship with him was the first safe and stable one i've probably ever had. so that's when i started more actively healing (because I FINALLY had the safety and support to do it- YAY!).

feel free to come back and chat more. you sound like a very articulate and interesting person! I am interested in what you have to say:)

October 28, 2006
3:35 pm
Avatar
lolli
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I don't know if this "qualifies" as anger to anybody else, but for some reason anger and humor in me seem to be hard-wired together. So here it is:
I was feeling really depressed last night so my bf and I wrote and performed this song. it was improv and i don't remember all of it, so these lyrics are approximate;) enjoy...

--------
I DIDN'T GROW UP WITH ALIENS FROM OUTER SPACE
by Lolli and her bf

My childhood sucked real bad
sometimes it makes me sad
but just when it seems like worst childhood in the history of the world, part III
i have to stop and see:
I still have all my limbs intact
never had to kill nobody, that's a fact
and i never had to grow up with green slimy aliens from outer space...
---------

we also sang/wrote some unrelated songs that cheered me up:
"my mailmain sucks.com"
"my gardner is the worst gardner in the world.com"
"ode to an indoor kitty"
and a new classic:
"that mean old soy fish from out of town"

October 28, 2006
3:46 pm
Avatar
needtoheal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lolli---
thanks for thinking of me...

I don't have any issues with the kids
going with their dad for the weekend as far as safety...

I used to spend all of my time with
the pond scum when the kids were with their dad.. and now I have to deal with that sense of lonliness by myself..

I think that since I have mostly been the emotional provider for them forever, it just seems strange for me to have "free" time to myself without them around...

When their father ended our marriage he left one night and said that he would be going to his brother's to stay..kids were 3 and 14 months old..

he did come back but not to work on our marriage...

this continued for quite some time until i got totally fed up and filed for divorce...
then I put it on hold because i wanted to get a job and needed some strength...
so when i got this job that is when I met the pond scum....

Then about 6 months later I filed for divorce...
and it took over a year to settle...

meanwhile, i was occupying my time with the pond scum when the kids were with their father...

get more of the picture..

lolli-- i have been through so much...

even the past month i have had my father's best friend die (I only knew him as my uncle), our cat who was only 4 years old died, and then I had to grieve the loss of the pond scum-- for hurting me emotionally the night that I had the funeral for my uncle..--and for the loss of what he represented to me as well..

a loss is a loss...
and I had plenty of it in two weeks of time...

October 28, 2006
4:06 pm
Avatar
lolli
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

oh, i'm so sorry about all of that, needtoheal. is there anything nice you can do for yourself today? can you find a way to transfer some of the "emotional provider" energy that you usually focus on your kids back to yourself?

maybe a nice bath or hot cocoa or movie or wrap yourself in lots of warm blankets? or maybe buy yourself nice lunch/dinner or go shopping?

or maybe as you said, you just need to feel the lonliness and grieve. it's okay to do that too. as lousy as it feels, you can just get it out and cry about it. once you get it out you will feel a little better, i promise.

we are here for you. keep posting about it if you want to get it out that way.

i hope you find some comfort for all of your loss.

((needtoheal))

October 28, 2006
5:24 pm
Avatar
needtoheal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thanks Lolli

(((Lolli)))

I am going to be busy with work tonight so that will help me to focus ....

I am quite angry or disappointed in myself right now...

i called him.... should have just been posting here instead..

it's okay though/

I was very vague...

he asked me how i was doing..

said good..

asked me what my plans were for tonight...

said have some things i have to do..

said that he will talk to me later

paused

asked me if i was still there..

just said goodbye...

i think i just was bored and also

wanted him to know that i am doing

much better without him..

he said something about it just being

another day for him

and i said that it is not because

it (his day) does not have all the

sh-t anymore....

he agreed... meaning that we are not

dealing with each other like we used

to do... either when we could be

together or talk on the phone anymore...

thanks for listening...

i needed to get it out

i want to keep the door closed

and i am at least proud that i was

vague with him....

October 28, 2006
5:39 pm
Avatar
lolli
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

good that you were vague. try not to be angry with yourself. sometimes we do things we didn't want to do... it is like a test and a reminder of what we've learned so far and how far we've come in healing and how much farther we have to go.

it is okay to be angry though... try to direct it away from yourself onto those who have hurt you and brought you these problems in the first place. (like abusive ex, possibly parents?, etc)

you are still taking responsibility for your healing... but you are allowed to be angry about it too:)

does that make sense? sorry to give so much "advice"... i am trying to get away from that.

take care of yourself...

((need))

October 28, 2006
6:31 pm
Avatar
needtoheal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lolli-------

You are RIGHT!!!!

You said that it is a reminder of what we have learned so far, how far we've come in healing, and how much farther we have to go........

I am still angry at this man...
have to keep looking at those daily reminders...

thanks

October 28, 2006
9:31 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

hi lolli,

sorry, I got you mixed up with the 'other' lolli, that's why I thought I had missed something re the bf.

Thanks for your compliment that I sound articulate and interesting :0) On a good day, I'm willing to claim those attributes!

I do think anger is a huge issue for us codeps. It has really helped me to understand the difference between anger and rage. Also to start thinking of many categories of "sub-anger" i.e. irritation, annoyance, exasperation etc. It helps me because I was so scared of anger as a whole that i couldn't recognize smaller "increments" of anger that I am more comfortable owning and expressing.

Anyway, it's been quite a process and I'd be interested to hear what you or anyone else thinks of that book if you can find it. The complete title is "When Anger Scares You: How to Overcome Your Fear of Conflict and Express Your Anger in Healthy Ways" by John Lynch.

all the best, kroika

October 29, 2006
2:19 pm
Avatar
lolli
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

kroika,

yes, you are SO right about the "sub-anger"!!!

if only i had a dime for every time in my life I was "frustrated!" lol i think that's the only expression of anger i could have growing up. and man, did i cling to it! now i'm finally able to call it like it is (still not all of the time, but sometimes which is a vast improvement) and say, "i'm angry" when that is actually the case.

i think part of the reason i "cut off" my anger feelings is because whenever my mom and i would have an argument when i was growing up (and even lots of times when there wasn't even an argument at all... i'd just be minding my own business when) she'd say, "you're not mad, are you?" with the desperate eyes of a frightened little girl. and then we'd have to hug and "make up" and I'd reassure her, "no, i'm not mad at you..." etc.

i learned very young that my anger would emotionally destroy her. so i just stopped acknowledging it existed because there was no acceptable way for me to have it.

the thing that allowed me to FINALLY get in touch with my anger towards my mom was a) remembering the sexual abuse she didn't protect me from
and you're not going to believe this--
b) her calling me up recently and saying to me "you're not mad at me, are you?" in the same little girl voice.

i haven't yet told her about the sexual abuse, but just the realization of it in my head combined with her helplessness made me realize that she had relied on ME to be HER parent my whole life. that is just wrong! and because of that... because she never got help and learned how to re-parent herself and be an actual PARENT to me, now i have to clean up the mess and deal with it myself. and that makes me ANGRY. it's not fair.

well, i checked out that book on amazon. yes - i am an anger avoider. but i am working on changing that! i guess the first step for me is admitting i'm angry about the sexual abuse and trying to heal from that. at some point i'm going to have a confrontation about that with my mom and we'll see where that goes. hopefully this work i'm doing will help me be able to express my anger more right when it happens.

October 29, 2006
2:21 pm
Avatar
lolli
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

anybody here have any healthy examples of expressing their anger "in the moment" and how it happened for them? it would be great to hear stories of success!

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
40
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111163
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
CaitlynForlong, AndrinNetzer, MaarcusPedersen, MarcusPedersen, eyeconcepts, junwork52
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information