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Anger Overboard
April 30, 2001
5:36 pm
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ThrowingFitsinFLA
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September 27, 2010
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Something really bad happened to me this weekend and I know that I can no longer continue to live without seeking treatment,but I am very scared that even treatment will not help me. If you all don't mind reading this, I'll tell you what happened.

First, a little background for those of you who might care. I've been living with my boyfriend for about 7 months now. We've been together for almost two years. Right before I met him, I divorced my husband who I'd been with for three years. When I met my current boyfriend, I really thought I'd be different. But the same things always come up and my uncontrollable anger bubbles to the surface and literally explodes.

Ok, I just realized that this will be a long story because I just can't tell you about Friday night without a long history. First of all, I don't want to put the blame for my tantrums on my boyfriend or my ex-husband both of whom have been as patient as they could be with me. On Friday night, I went out with my boyfriend. We hadn't been getting along too well since his parents visit about two weeks ago. I felt like they really intruded on our life, but he didn't seem to care. It really hurt. I was holding these feelings inside and didn't say anything because I didn't want to cause trouble.

Of course we went out drinking with friends. And of course, I drank too much. Why? Because I had way too much going on inside and figured that drinking would be a way to get it out. Of course, I was wrong. I drank and got very drunk. I was so out of control. There are parts of time that I can't remember. I was trying to hook up with one of my boyfriend's friends. This new friend of his, very young, just moved to our area, just graduated from college, I was totally all over him.

After a while, I guess my boyfriend got sick of me making a fool of myself so he decided it was time to leave. When we got home, I guess we started to talk about our relationship again. I forgot to mention that while his parents were here we'd had a fight that caused us to break up. I was going to move out even though I didn't want to. I felt very displaced.

So, he said to me that he thought we should break up. I went completely ballistic. I ran around screaming and crying. I tried to kill myself three different ways. He was trying to stop me and telling me not to. I made him crazy scared. Then I finally passed out. I guess I kept saying that I would just wake up later and kill myself so he tried to stay awake, but was starting to fall asleep too. So he called the police. The cop couldn't wake me up so they called the paramedics. The next thing I remember was being woken up by the paramedics who were trying to get my blood pressure. They wanted me to go to an emergency clinic for emergency treatment. I went but not before hitting and kicking my boyfriend because I was so angry with him. Oh by the way, I used to hit my husband. I feel so bad when I read about women who are in abusive relationships because this is the way I am sure that's what my ex and my current boyfriend have experienced.

So, my boyfriend is going to move out. I have created a disaster of yet another relationship because of my anger and low self esteem. I need help so badly it's painfully obvious. I am so afraid that I will start counseling and never get better. I know that people will say that anything is better than what I am experiencing now. I know that's true, but I am so doubtful.

I am soooo depressed! I want love and to be happy and normal. But everytime I try something happens and I destroy all the good things around me. I will get help. But in the meantime, I am afraid to be alone with all these demons inside me. I feel so worthless and bad like I don't deserve anything. I can't change anything that I have done. I can't go back in time. I wish I could. I wish I could make everything alright.

Does anyone know if I should go to a counselor for anger manangement or for depression or self esteem. They all seem to be what I am feeling now.

Sorry for the long post. But it does feel a little better to get if off my chest. Thanks!

April 30, 2001
5:54 pm
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Molly
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September 30, 2010
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You have got to feel better, getting all that off your chest. You have taken the first step, and that is looking at you, and owing that you are responsible for all of this. Sucks doesn't it.
Sounds like you need to stay away from men for a while, and I seriously mean that. You will just get another one, and repeat the last two situations. We think often its the other person, then like running into a wall, repeat, and DUH the similiarity is us. Not this guy, or that guy, but me. Unresolved anger, can turn into depression, and then hits our self esteem. So all three work against us, and we are sitting there going which way do I turn. Most important, go out and exercise, that will help you work off steam, clear your head, change the chemicals, and statistics show works better than antidepressants, with wonderful side effects. Number two, stay away from booze for a while, it burys the pain, only temporarily, and then turns ugly on us, or we turn ugly on it. Number three, do some inventory, start writing, where is the anger comming from, what are you comprimising that you truly resent? Its been building for a long time.
Was your mother angry? Did she rage, it becomes a habit, just like every thing else. Expression, communication, and being heard, are usually the cocktails that lead to a tantrum. Who isn't listening to you? What successes have you had recently? What do you do for you? Have you been a door mat for people for a while, and didn't recognize it, and perhaps this is where the anger comes from? Look at your diet, watch sugar and caffine, stay away from the news, and hard rock and roll. Its all so agitating. its probabally a good thing he is gone, there was something not right from the beginning. Take some time for self indulgence, the good kind, and self reflection, you will do better with out a man under your feet, they do seem to suck the life out of us when we let them. Time alone will help you draw your boundry lines, and get more secure in who you are what you want, and then you won't toss a fit. Your not the first, nor will you be the last for a while. Be good to you., and chill.

April 30, 2001
10:04 pm
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deetee
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Yes see a therapist. Doesn't matter which behavioral reason you choose to address anger depression, etc., because they are all inextricably bound together. You'll find you have this cycle going on inside of you fighting for resolution and they way you are acting and feeling are the result of this unresolved baggage whatever it is.

Stay away from alchohol. It will seem as if it takes away the pain but in reality it makes everything worst.

I suffer from always {needing} to be in a relationship and feeling extremely frightened of being alone without a relationship, I cannot say that I've found the answers however I am certain that for me No relationship even with the most understanding/caring individual is going to work until I address my addictive behaviour {codependecny}.

Keep posting, find ways to care for yourself, you'll feel alot better.

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