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anger management? how can i help him?
October 15, 2000
3:48 pm
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christina
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I started dating Josh a few weeks ago and I really like him a lot. We certainly have our differences and we are working on them. For example, he smokes and now he's gonna quit. However he has a temper and it really bothers me. He even has a broken hand cause he hit the wall one day. I know most people say that I shouldn't even put myself in a situation with him cause he has a problem but I really like him and plan on being with him. I just wondered if there is something I can do to help him control himself. My dad had a really bad temper when I was growing up and I just really can't take it when people just blow up for practically no damn reason. The other night when he was driving me home his wind shield wipers were squeaking and he just started getting all pissed, I mean it's little things that set him off and it really scares me...is there anything i can do?

October 15, 2000
9:57 pm
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i'm interested to know why you like him? what is it on him that you like? (i'm just curios. i find myself hard to find good things in me)

October 16, 2000
7:14 am
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christina
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well, when he isn't busy being mad, he is one of the nicest, sweetest guys i've ever met, he's cute and just all around treats me good but i don't know what to do when he gets mad and it really scares me when he or anyone just blows up. My math teacher yells a lot and he freaks me out too i don't know if i'm the one with the problem or what....

October 16, 2000
4:22 pm
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nicest and sweetest, and cute. u mean as in caring? sensitive? do girls like macho, tough guys or sensitive guys?

October 16, 2000
6:49 pm
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Molly
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Run, from this guy. Sounds like passive agressive, and maybe you should look at his manipulative side. Can you observe his parents? Hitting a wall, next it is you. Take the warning signs, follow your instincts, and protect yourself before it gets deeper.

October 16, 2000
8:43 pm
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ya molly is right. hitting the wall, next is you. he broke his hand cause he hit the wall? thats a LOT of temper and rage. but is it directed on inner or outer?

October 16, 2000
9:40 pm
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christina
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I totally understand where you guys are coming from, I used to work at the crisis shelter in my area but I really wanna stick with this guy. He truly is a nice guy inside and the sad thing is that very few people will give him a chance. I just don't know how to prevent his out breaks or how to deal with them myself i mean is my reaction normal? i was ready to cry when he was just cussing and it wasn't even at me.... I know part of my problem is the memories that i have of my dad being mad but how can i put those behind me and just trust him that he doesn't mean anything by it. maybe i'm just over reacting i dunno

October 17, 2000
8:10 am
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hazza
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Christina,
Firstly how old are you??? you sound like you are still quite young.
let me tell you one thing - you cannot change this man, you are falling in love with what he CAN BE some of the time, and you are being blind to what he IS a lot of the time.
I know because I did the very same thing - so I KNOW what you mean about him being so nice and caring etc.
but this is the truth girl and I don't want to be hurtful to you but I have been there myself.
the truth is this.
This man does not know HOW to have a proper relationship, so whatever YOU try to do will be very difficult at best and just fail at worst.
YOU are gonna become more and more scared and shy because of his anger. you are gonna start to change things that you DO, WEAR,SAY, change the FRIENDS you have and much more - JUST TO MAKE SURE HE [email protected] GET ANGRY.
watch yourself, because if it isn't happening already then it will start to .

Already you are scared of his temper - he must see that, but he doesn't think youa re worth making the effort for. Yes I bet he is sorry afterwards, but he needs to elarn HIMSELF how to deal with life - YOU CAN'T do that for him.

IF you want a relationship with this man, you will either go one of two ways.
Firstly you could just get eaten up by it all, your WHOLE life will be SO dfocussed on WEHAT HE WANTS, you will forget what you want.
OR and this takes a lot of strength, you can resist his controlling behaviour nad assert yoruself. do you really think you have either the strength or the energy to be constantly fighting this man for your own basic rights to peace of mind and harmony?
But like a moth to the flame you will still go there, just like I have done and many others, it just happens that way.
the best thing you can do is to be FIRM - and i mean FIRM. explain NOW, not later that you will NOT TOLERATE these displays of TEMPER>
you think it is normal because you have griown up with this kind of actions but you are just attracted to this because it is what feels "normal" to you.
the only way people like this man learn that they must change is by consequences of their actions.
He learns NOTHING if you stay quiet because you are afraid. you must calmly explain that you will not put up with the anger AND LEAVE HIM IF HE DOES NOT FACE IT.

listen to what you are saying, for pity's sake, you have only just started this relationship and you are afraid of him.
it really is not worth it - all you are doing is settingyourself up for a lot of fear and pain that will eat away at your self esteem.
the best thing you could do is to at least get yourself to a councellor to explore WHY you are so attracted to a bully and learn about those parts of yourself that are also involved in this affair.
you are already keeping quiet when he gets his "moods" why? because youa re afraid, that is why. it is NOT normal to be afraid to say what you think to your partner, it is NOT normal for a partner to allow this to happen.

get out while you still can. if this guy is worth anything, then you would be able to say to him "hey, I had a childhood full of temper - I do not want an adult life full of temper also - I will not be with you until you face and change these things about you"
IF he cares for you he will do something about it and THEN and only \THEN come to you looking for a relationship.
but if you can't say that to him then chances are you are developing a co-dependent relationship where he and you are both unable to have a healthy relationship.

IF you are at peace with yoruself you will be quite able to still like this guy and see him but not give your WHOLE life over to him.
IF he is healthy and at peace with himself, he will be able to let you take things slowly, he will be able to let you see your other friends and dress how you like and speak to who you like.
IF all of that cannot happen then you have some very clear warning signs that the two of you are heading for a relationship that is co-dependent and unhealthy.
it is not just a man hitting you that makes you an abused woman in life, they can control you ,tell you you are worthless and beat you down emotionally. these things are very likey with someone who has a temper problem.

if this guy gets mad at the car wipers, then chances are int ime he is gonna get mad if you recieve a phone call, he will get mad if you don't wash the dishes right he will get mad at anything because he is nothappy in himself.

the question is are YOU healthy enough to see this and stop this going any further until he has faced his problems???
if not then you really need to spend sometime on yourself rather than focusing all this attention on him???

it is very easy to try to SAVE someone else - it all sounds so romantic like a great love movie, but all it is is a way for us to AVOID looking at our own problems.

take Molly's advice - Run - this can ONLY lead to heartache unless you BOTH face your OWN issues instead of you focussing on trying to save him andhim focusing on how everything ELSE is to blame rather tahn himself.

I onl sayall this from FIRSY HAND experience, so I also know that you will probably still go ahead anyway! BUT at least you may be able to see the signs sooner than I have done and many others before me. there are BILLIONS of people on this planet, you need to be healthy in yourself to enjoya healthy relationship with another healthy person.
Go get a councellor and explore YOU and your PAST. it would be the best thing you could do rather than lose yourself ina dysfunctional relationship.
Peace
Hazza

October 17, 2000
3:32 pm
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janes
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Your title says it all..."anger management..hoiw can I help" YOU can't. It is up to the person with the anger. Belieive me. As one person to another who can't stand or deal with anger...RUN!!! It is always our fault, our problem and never theirs. Take the time to read Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. We are co dependent and will put up with all kinds of sh*! to let our "loved ones" be happy. Forget about US being happy. It's al them.. He may be cute but that's no excuse for going off over windshield wipers squaking. How absurd. Get yourself to therapy and let him know when he is ready to do therapy and deal with his anger you are ready for a relationship. Nothing is worth dealing with someone else's problem. You can do better.

October 17, 2000
5:07 pm
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christina
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first of all i just wanted to thank you all for your help, and i will try to at least talk to him about it, i'm not sure how everything is gonna pan out just yet but i'll let you all know. I'm gonna try and just let things cool off for a while and see just what i really want to do. I will keep you're thoughts and suggestions in mind. thank you all very much
Love,
christina

October 17, 2000
6:10 pm
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Molly
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Have you ever heard we marry our parents? Sounds like you found your dad!! Working at a crisis shelter, you should see the rescue that you are in the process of trying to live out.You state no one gives him a chance? There is such a thing as enabeling and if you stay with him, and give him his chances, you are jepordizing your physical and emotional health, as well as enabeling the behavior, and possibly choosing to be a victim. People don't change until they have no alternative, trust me read these threads. I don't get it why women are so willing to ignore everything and carry on.Time is precious, and you can't get it back, why invest more in what truly appears to be a poor choice. Draw your boundry lines woman, hold firm, this is unacceptable behavior, go home Mr. until you get it right. True there are slim pickins out there for mates but why continue after all the publicity on domestic violence, and mental health issues. Before women had to stay quiet, and stick with the choices, but violence has been brought out in the open, we truly don't want to read about you in the paper, or see you as another statistic. All bad boys are good once and a while, but is it really worth the risk. Read up on codependency, go to a few group meetings at the local domestic violence shelter, and listen and learn. Sorry if I sound tough but I have seen to many women used as punching bags, and stay around for the changes that never happen, and by the way please if you are active take every precaution, he sounds like great father material for your children, NOT

October 18, 2000
7:36 am
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hazza
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Christina,
you have made a wise decision. it s a very good idea to cool things off first and wait a while. Also explain why you are doing this to him, but be firm - you have amde this decision, so don't let yourself be talked out of it.
healthy relationships take time to develop, but as co-dependents we tend to rush into things - don't allow yourself to be rushed, if youa re happy within yourself you wont need HIM or anyone else to fill any void within you.
do read the books suggested and think about what you can cure, if you need to , in yourself. For the only person you can ever change in life is YOU!
best of luck and stay strong!
Hazza

October 22, 2000
12:01 pm
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eli
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christina;

I am nobody to tell you what to do but I am going to give a really big advise if you don't want to be part of punch of your boyfriend, please dump him. Stay alone, you don't deserve a guy like that. Imagine him getting upset at you, he can really hurt you and really bad. Please just stay away from him. There are more fishing in the sea and good ones.

October 22, 2000
4:55 pm
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christina
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i know people usually say oh he won't hit me and then have the shit beat out of them, but really he's different. i found out some things the other night when we were talking that i never knew about. for example his brother committed suicide a week ago, he lived in florida with his mom but the guy i'm with lives here in indiana. so he's really been under a lot of stress. he actually opened up to me and talked about things. our relationship really is getting much better. but i do thank you all for you advice and i totaly understand where you are coming from when you say that i should get out of the relationship but that won't be happening any time soon. i think we can work things out

October 23, 2000
10:19 am
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hazza
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good lcuk Christina,
i hope that things go well for you. just remember YOURSELF and llok out for any signs of problems.
and never be afriad to say "I made a mistake here" it is fine to try, it is fine to also say It didn't work out.
Hazza

October 23, 2000
6:57 pm
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Molly
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Gee watch out for the feel sorry for me trip, most abusers have this pattern, I still say there are lots more fish in the sea.

October 23, 2000
9:34 pm
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christina
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just wanted to thank you all for everything and don't worry i'll keep an eye out...

October 23, 2000
11:11 pm
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behcop
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Christina,

How are things going now?

October 24, 2000
7:38 am
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christina
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really good!!! sorry so short but i'm in a hurry i'll try to write more later

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