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And then there was me
August 28, 2007
10:08 am
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rachy3508
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So I wrote a while ago about my codependency issues. My boyfriend now is getting a second job so there is going to be a lot of time for me. I am just wondering how to best use this time to myself to grow? I will look for some meetings but I am in a small town and I an unsure if I can find any close. What else can help me to overcome this?

August 28, 2007
11:10 am
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_anonymous
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rachy- sounds like BF does not have a lot of time for you. Sounds like thats what you want and need. What u want and need are important. What do you enjoy doing?

August 28, 2007
11:49 am
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rachy3508
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Destiny- Thank you for being here. I feel like you are really listening. I feel like I can share more with you. I am actually living with my boyfriend. He is a divorced father of 2. He is amazing when he wants to be, but can also be not so amazing at the same time. He is motivated and works hard for what we have. I am madly in love with him but struggle at the same time. It is like a rollercoaster with him. One minute he wants us to be together forever and the next he doesn't know if he is what I want and need. He is 5 years older than I am (I am 24) and we have so much fun together, good times are good and bad times are bad. I just don't know what is normal trials in a realtionship and what is not so normal. My expectations are HUGE and in the beginning of our realtionship he did everything to fill those. Now he is tired of the constant work and it makes me feel like I am losing him. I need to adjust, I need help!

August 28, 2007
12:14 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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rachy - does HE say your expectations are huge or do YOU think they are?

Perhaps they aren't? Perhaps he just thinks so because they are "too big" for him?

What kinds of expectations do you have?

I would say that you should use ANY time to work on yourself - if you think you have work to do - get to a counselor - many have sliding fee scales for lower income, or no insurance patients. So what if meetings aren't "close"...use the travel time to meditate and think, ponder what you heard/learned in meetings....I used to drive an hour plus to my meetings - it was "my time" to me...and if you have alot of time on your hands - what's it going to hurt? Meetings are a GREAT way to get your head on straight.

You mention the roller coaster - you say HE doesn't think he is what YOU want or need? what makes him think this?

How long have you been together?

Do you work? why is he taking a second job?

Do his kids visit or live with you?

How is his relationship with his ex? and how long have they been officially divorced?

The things is - sometimes in new relationships - we THINK the new person is what we want and need - so we go move heaven and earth to prove we are a good partner - we do everything to meet our new partner's needs - it's called the honeymoon period. It sounds like the honeymoon period is over.

Does your BF drink or do drugs? or have any other problems?

alot of this background info helps us (me) help you more.

August 28, 2007
1:13 pm
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rachy3508
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Thanks Rising. You hit the nail on the head, we have been together for a year and a half and the newness has worn off and we are looking at eachother with a new perspective. He has no drug or alcohol problems and has a GREAT respectable job. He is working a second job because of his expenses. . . child support, rent, etc. We don't share money and he has never asked me for any. If he needs more, he works more. Does he NEED it. . not desperatly, but for some extra money. I work as well and I am going to school for my masters degree.

My expectations are that he makes me feel loved. It is embarassing to say this but I do what to be the center of his attention all the time. I want him to want me and only me and when he doesn't I feel hurt. He is very active and has a lot of hobbies, he is an social butterfly and I am a home body. We both struggle with this. I just feel that when it is good it is REALLY good but when I feel that we may break up I am devistated, won't eat, can't think, don't care about the world. Most of the time we argue because I am wanting him to act a certain way. I want him to be perfect and the pressure cracks him. When he cracks then he starts telling me hurtful (often true) things like I am a perfectionist and he feels like he isn't what I want and I want someone to coddle me all the time, I want a fairy tale and prince charming. I am just wanting to grow. My Dad is an alcoholic and my parents relationship is horrible because of it. No physical abuse, but codependency and a lot of crappy stuff. I just want to make sure I'm working on something that is worth working on and I want to be healthy on my own, no so wrapped up in HIM! I so very very much appreciate your HELP! Thank YOU!

August 28, 2007
2:09 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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rachy,

I agree that working on your own insecurities and feelings of worth is KEY here.

You need to be able to validate your worth without his constantly doing it FOR YOU.

He is with you - he loves you. Short of him outwardly doing something to show otherwise - I would say you are probably fine.

Yes, you could easily push him away with your demands for his attention.

However - I have been in your shoes - and I have been told I am a perfectionist and too demanding.

Turns out, I may be - but there IS a guy out there that loves me for it - who makes me feel so safe and secure - that I don't NEED the validation, the extra attention.

What I mean is - when I was with guys who "pushed my buttons" or "triggered" me - I felt insecure - and I demanded extra attention, affection and needed more comfort and care - my insecurities would be in overdrive.

But once I found a guy I was compatible with, who had a lifestyle I could deal with - I didn't NEED that reassurance.

And no longer does anyone call me demanding, perfectionist, needy or anything.

We are a good FIT.

That's why I asked about his behaviour....cuz my ex was a "social butterfly"...but he was TOO nice to TOO many people - and left my needs unmet...later, he cheated - I took him back - afraid to throw away a "good thing"...only to have him cheat again. The writing was on the wall all the time - I chose not to see it.

My only point in this is that some guy will be a good match for you - will meet your needs - question is - do you keep trying to change yourself - or do you keep trying to find a guy who is the right "fit"?

For me - I did some changing - for my own good - but found that a good fit was better than trying to change me OR him.

August 28, 2007
2:12 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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oh, one more quick thing - it's never good to be totally wrapped up in "him" - EVER.

I realize you are in school - so that probably takes up alot of your time - but getting your own hobbies and activities will help you be your own person and not rely on him all the time.

One more thing, sorry for rambling - know that his taking a second job cuz he needs money is NOT a reflection of how he feels about you - it's simply something he feels he has to do (unless he is running from a problem)....but I know that it sometimes feels like more time away from you means he loves you less - that's how I used to feel...but it's not...sometimes we need to work more - and that means time away from our loved ones...but doesn't mean we love them less.

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