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And I THANKED HIM?? what the hell
January 21, 2005
10:17 am
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Anonymous
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So I talked to Mr. Jack last night and I can honestly say it was the worst and the best thing for me. It was the worst because I reverted back to my old patterns of blaming myself for everything, saying I would change, I would do this I would do that, and then he got the final blow in saying to me, it is just done, we can never date and we should not have sex. I was completly surprised. I mean I know that and I see that but to hear him say that. I know he has said things along that line before and then it almost seemed like a sick game to him because he would call me in a couple days to want to have sex or whatever. It hurts because I opened up to him last night and said I was hurt that he wasn't there for me this weekend in any sense at all, even though we are over we have still talked and so forth. He didn't respond to that at all. I said to him do you not notice that at times after we have sex you become shitty and pick fights with me, he couldn't see that at all.

I even said to him I know I become a bitch because I react to him being shitty with me. I tried to explain that I understood that he is just so intimately challeneged, and that I understood that. He never said a word. He said we don't work out, and we never will. That relationships shouldn't take this much work, they should just work. It hurt a lot, it seems that everytime I really try and I am real with him and I open up, I get slammed so hard.

Now how the night ended being good in some sense is that I called him back and I told him that if this was done and completely done than alright but I need him out of my life, not forever but definitely long enough so that I can get over him and move on with my life and in order to do that I cannot have him in it. Once again not a word. NOTHING. I then told him that once I turn off the feelings they never come back. I explained it to him, I said that has happened with my other ex's that once it's done and I turn that feeling off, I never get that feeling back. NOT A WORD, I then said well my ex before is an example, he still wants to get back together to this day and I just can't. Low and behold a word from him on how that was nice to know that and he actually was mad at me for saying that. I'm not sure why, it has been no secret my ex has wanted to get back together. I repeated myself when I said I needed him out of my life, and he said I heard you the first time you already said that. I commented on how if he could acknowledge something than I wouldn't repeat it.

And then I thanked him!!!!! I said thank you, he said for what and I said for being strong enough to do this when obviously I wasn't. Not a word he said he had to go, and I said goodbye.

January 21, 2005
10:25 am
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Cici
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Ouch. I know that converation. Had it at least 5 times with my own ex.

In some ways I must say I am glad he went off the deep end and I got the restraining order wheels going. I CAN'T talk to him anymore. I can't even dial the numbers and hang up, or just listen to his voice on his voicemail message (even though the message is him screaming his name in a drunken stupor).

It's almost like I needed the restraining order, not just to keep him away from me, but to keep me away from him.

Forced NO CONTACT is sometimes what has to be done. If only I could erase his phone numbers from my head, too....anyways, know that I know how you feel, I empathize, sympathize, I have been where you are and I know how much it hurts.

It's a cop out, but this, too, shall pass. We do have that iron core inside of us, we can be strong, we have to be.

January 21, 2005
10:35 am
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DTEE
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Aces...Good for you. It sounds like you opened up and unfortunately he slammed you. That should tell you where you stand with him. Telling him you are done probably took a little weight off your shoulders. Now do your self a favor and stick with having zero contact. Move on and find someone worthy of you. I don't know what this dude is looking for but saying relationships should take a lot of work is wrong. I think its good you have decided to turn off your feelings for him. I had the "I'm Done" conversation 2 weeks ago with my GF that I've been with for 4 years. It was hard but I did it. I felt a huge weight lifted off me. She wanted to still talk and I said no. Things have been good for me the last few weeks although I do miss her or should I say miss being in a relationship (My Codepend) I am going to move on with my life and let the relationship thing just come to me. She began calling me yesterday....It was hard not to pick up the phone but I didn't and I won't when she calls again. I think you need to do the same. Please do. It is the best thing for you. I know this has been a long road for you. Stay strong and don't let him in in any way.....Good Luck ;o)

January 21, 2005
10:43 am
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msguud
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Hi there - I am struggling with the same thing. Hoping he will call. It's been five days. We dated for a year. He's a long distance truck driver. Every time this happened before, I give in within a week and a half and make contact. Hell, I even spent $2500 for a four-day trip to be with him to make up once before. Money I didn't have to spend in the first place. I'm sitting here crying and wanting to contact him, but forcing myself not to. I am taking strength from you DTee in not calling. I don't think he will call me as this is a pattern for him to go on to the next woman who will put up with his shit and then get tired of him and throw him out (he told me that himself). I hope we call be strong together in this. It seems so simple to not pick up a phone. Easier said than done. I quit drinking and smoking and why is this so hard? Thanks for listening.

January 21, 2005
10:47 am
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ILSILS
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Good morning Aces,
Im glad to hear that you are getting to have closier on this with him, although i know it must hurt still. i wish i knew how to turn off the emotions once it is done. i think that is one of the things that is keeping me from ever cutting it off with the husband. who by the way never called me last night. i broke down finally about 9.00 and called but his sister answered and said he was at the single buddies house, he had left the day before. grrr, i really dont like this, this is the guy that he used to "run away" with for the weekend for drug benges and whatever. plus this guy allwayse has sime little traps hanging around his house. so... very frustrated today. im thinking he is going to call me sometime today expecting me to come over tonight, but i dont want him to think that ive been sitting around for the last two days waiting for him so he can make plans with me,

January 21, 2005
10:58 am
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DTEE
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MSGUUD... .Hang in there. It doesn't sound like this guy puts much value in his relationships. Move on. Its hard not to call those we feel close to. However if it is at all like me it is just the convenience of the person that makes you think you want to call or be with them. I believe there are people out there to have healthy relationships with and that is what I will find. Just decide 100% in yourself that your relationship with this guy is unhealthy and sick. That you deserve better and that all you are longing for is the familiarity (SP?) and convenience of the relationship w/ him. When the thought of call or accepting a call from him comes up ask yourself Why would I call or take the call. It will just end in you feeling bad and continuing the agony of your relationship with him. When you realize that it is easier. That is what is helping me. What do I get out of my relationship with her? Agony thats what. Don't let it continue. I am her to support you if you need it. Good Luck to both of us.

January 21, 2005
10:59 am
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Cici- thanks I knew you would know how I feel since you are going through somewhat the same thing and we are so much alike at times. I guess it was just a SHOCK, I mean I was trying to look at what our problems were and start there, I told him I was scared this weekend in the hospital and I wanted him to just be there, and he said nothing, he always says nothing. I guess it was hearing him say we shouldn't have sex or date, and while it is logical and sane and healthy it just sucks knowing that he is there way before me, because somewhere in my mind I thought if we both really tried it could work. It has been good before why can't it be like that now? I didn't really get it.

DTEE- thank you as well, actually he said relationships SHOULDN'T take this much work. They should just work. And while I agree with that, sometimes I guess you just feel drawn to someone and you don't know why and for me, I rarely feel that with many people and so when I do I am so afraid I won't feel that "feeling" again.

Msguud- I know we can do this, I know I can do this the one thing I held onto was the fact that Mr. Jack and I were never really "done" and so I never really let go, I know for me that when I close it off and I do let go, that it never comes back, I have been afraid to do that with Mr. Jack in some pathetic case he would come back and then I wouldn't feel anything, when in essence this is what i need to do.

IlSILS- Remeber what I told you yesterday, you give up a lot of power and control over you when you keep calling. Let him wonder. My situation with Mr. Jack is quite different as we have moved past that game now. I wonder sometimes if this is all still a game to him and then I remind myself that even if it is, I still need to move on.

I wish I had a prince charming.

January 21, 2005
11:07 am
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Cactus
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Hey Aces,
I'm proud of you girl. that took a lot of courage to maintain your cool and integrity in the face of such a hurting conversation. Like I've said many times we're only ready to make the change when we're ready. Good for you. Yeah!!!

I like the fact that you were honest about you feelings and expressed it to him without masking them with anger. You've grown quite a bit. I know thing are going to be tough for a while but I'm sure I speak for all when I say we're all here for you.

-Cactus

January 21, 2005
11:10 am
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DTEE
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Aces... I type-o'd back there. I think he is wrong for saying relationships shouldn't take this much work. Yes, to a degree they should "just work" but they take "work" as well. A lot of work from both parties. It sounds like you are the one trying. Pleae let o and move on. Go 30 days w/o any contact. Don't call him and don't answer his calls should he call. See where you are after 30 days and go from there. That goes for email as well. What 30 days? Invest those 30 days in yourself. You are worth it. If after 30 days you have something to say to him then, then say what you have to say. I think in those 30 selfish days you will have moved past him and for good reason.

January 21, 2005
11:12 am
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Thank you cactus, I actually have tears in my eyes, which I try to NEVER do, it did hurt, but I know that I did what I needed to do in order to move on and stop playing the game. It hurt to see how he just couldn't say anything. But I finally took the step I needed to to move on.

Thank you so much cactus.

January 21, 2005
11:26 am
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DTEE- you read my mind, that is why I told him that I needed him out of my life for at least a couple months so that I could move on and be done, and that I couldn't do that with him there. It was just crappy when you have one-sided conversations with yourself and someone is on the other end of the phone.

He got so mad at me because he IM'd me the other day with some stupid im trying to get a reaction, and then when I give him one which wasn't me being all loving and nice, but saying to stop it, I am a bitch for it. I never win with him. I never will. And that is okay. It finally took all of this for me to realize that it really is done, not asking is he done this time, or what not, just being done.

And I agree with you relationships do take work. I know that we did get along and that when it wasn't what guy I was seeing this or that, or even myself starting things, we might have gotten along again.

Like I said, when you feel that feeling for someone, it is so hard to let it go. And it hurts, but I am not going to run from the pain this time, Im going to deal with it like an adult, and move past it, learn from it so that I do not make these mistakes again.

And for once I actually feel that.

January 21, 2005
11:59 am
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november
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i have been where you are girl. it is so hard. and the phone thing is serious business. it is an addiction, some of us were talking about that on another thread how hard that is, and if you can keep yourself from making that first call then dont call. do anything else but don't call. when my last x and i divorced it was devastating, i could not work for six months. i cried continuly, i was put in the hospital. it was awful. since that time we seen each other again briefly after three years. and you are right, once the feelings are gone they are gone. you remember that. you can get past this, you deserve better. i ended up breaking it off with my x and i had no feelings for him, don't miss him don't want him. matter of fact i guess i am indifferent. get out there and become you. he is holding you back from a better life. don't let anyone do that to you. good luck

January 21, 2005
12:07 pm
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Aces, reading your threads is often like reading about myself and my ex. The beginning of this one, where you said you give in and have sex...and then feel like he picks a fight right after...thats me! I give in and feel that bond again and PoOf! Next thing I hear from him is just some petty thing to pick a fight to push me away. Like he's so nicey nice, saying all the right things to get me to feel he really cares and wants things to work out, then I give in and have great, intense sex and feel all those strong emotions again, then he has to be sure I know it was only sex after all. Then for a week or so he will say things like "we shouldnt do that again." Till he is horny the next time. But...here I am today...wanting to buy into again. Not WANTING to but...feeling his pull again. This time because I told him Im starting to see someone else. Nothing better to get him running to me now! But how fair is that? Im trying to be strong but you know...same crappy cycle. I wish I could shut it off like you do eventually.

January 21, 2005
12:11 pm
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It hurts, change hurts, and while we grow and it is good, it is so much better AFTER you have grown right. The car I bought from Mr. Jack is costing me 650$ today, isn't that ironic the old Aces would have called him up to yell at him about it, and wanted him to feel bad, but right now I know I don't want him in my life at all, I mean I do want him there, but I know he can't be there.

It hurts

January 21, 2005
12:15 pm
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Wounded- wow that is just like how Mr. Jack and I were and damn does it make me feel a little better that you know how it is. Is that bad? I don't know when the cycle ends, sometimes I think that Mr. Jack will come back just to see if he can, and I hope to god by then I am strong enough to not buy into the bull shit again. It really does feel good that you know where I am at, sometimes I feel like I am going insane because I am the only one that is going through this. I think wow, he is so right, we are just wrong to date, we don't get along, and I remember and even my friends Im sure can remember the times he has said this before to me, and I have been destroyed and then eventually he comes back saying something, to keep me in line. This time I fnally said I need you out of my life, not in anger, not no contact we are never talking again, but that I just need you out of my life. I can't do this with you in it.

I feel very alone, and it is a crappy feeling, because no matter how many people you have in your life, it doesn't matter when you are alone inside.

January 21, 2005
12:30 pm
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DTEE
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Aces .... It just seems like you are alone inside. With this guy you are alone inside. The relationship just gives you the illusion that you have someone there. You don't with this guy. But you will with someone and it will be healthy, meaningful and strong. Being alone inside can be good. Be alone inside for a little while. It will help your future relationships. You will know better what you want in a healthy relationship. Just be ok w/ being alone. Treat yourself to things, spoil yourself a little. You deserve it. Take care

January 21, 2005
12:35 pm
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OHH DTEE, thank you, I guess I do need to be alone inside, it really is the only way I will learn and grow and be stronger to where I am not dependent on someone else to make me happy. I was never really with him, or I should say he was never really there with me, I don't think he ever would be.

January 21, 2005
12:44 pm
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DTEE
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Someone will be there for you Aces. For now its you.. be ok in that. One thing I learned is that we are right where we need to be. Take peace in that, be yourself get to know yourself.......PEACE

January 21, 2005
12:58 pm
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Did you struggle at first though, how long does this confusion and just not really knowing and feeling like Im wondering around with no purpose last?

January 21, 2005
1:05 pm
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man after my ex it took a long time, but the most of it was just here and there thinking about him the hard part lasted for about 6 mo. but then again we were still talking. it went much faster after we stoped talking, like maby a month

January 21, 2005
1:06 pm
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I am hoping a month, I hope a month from January 21, 2005 I will be in a much better place with no contact with Mr. Jack.

January 21, 2005
1:16 pm
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Aces,

Maybe you were really thanking him for teaching you what you don't want. As far as I'm concerned, there can be a lot of value in that. I think it's cool that you thanked him. It's exactly what he wouldn't expect, and also demonstrates exactly what kind of person you are--a pretty cool one...

Love,

Ren'ai

January 21, 2005
1:18 pm
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DTEE
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I am only 2 weeks into it. The first 3-4 days were the hardest. I started going to the gym again...that really helps. I never felt as though I was walking around w/o a purpose. When I cut things off I had already decided what my purpose was. I think you should do the same. My purpose is to learn about myself and to find (wait for) a relationship that feels right. Make some goals to get over this. get through one day, then 3, then a week. It gets easier and the time away from it really makes you realize that there is something better out there for you. Hang in there. If I can help, support whatever let me know. I will check in with you as well.

January 21, 2005
1:33 pm
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Thanks DTEE, I think my purpose is to learn enough from this so that I don't go back and make those same mistakes again. To gain my self esteem back, to realize that all the nasty things he ever called me were just that, nasty things in his mind. And to do well in school, start my pilates since I have the ball and mat now and dvd, and to just be happy. Happy with being with me. I almost thought of looking for a roomate just so I wouldnt be alone, but then I realized that in being alone I will learn more about myself than hiding behind someone else.

The worst part is feeling like I wasn't enough. I know that this is left over residual stuff because I know I cannot go back. Not this time.

January 21, 2005
1:38 pm
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DTEE
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Now your talking girl.....Keep that course and remember the rotten things he said, did whatever....those are his issues not yours. I'm here if I can help. I am sure I will need continued support as well. You can lean on me. I hope I can lean on you if need be. Stay Strong....PEACE

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