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An update.....Lolli
May 23, 2007
12:44 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Ladies,

((((Loverbee)))), that was very sweet....thank you.

Rising,

I'm doing ok. I have been spending some time with Snow although I'm not entirely sure why, especially considering I blow up at him every other day or so. My g/f thinks I am trying to get my "pound of flesh". I think I am just trying to work this all through for myself.

On the one hand, I enjoy his company and like having someone to do things with. I also enjoy having sex with him. But I don't think I can have a relationship with him anymore. I don't think my subconscious would let me even if I wanted to. As I said, one minute I'm fine....the next minute I am screaming bloody murder at him.

He's been very patient about the whole thing (too bad for him if he wasn't) and actually quite insightful. He was the one that pointed out that I blow up every few days or so and said it's understandable under the circumstances. He said "everytime things start to go well and we're getting along, you blow up. I think that is your mind's way of protecting you....by not letting me get too close" I thihk he is right and that is exactly what is happening.

He asked yesterday where he stood. I was very honest and told him that I didn't think I could go back to a "relationship". He also asked what other people thought of us spending time together. I told him I haven't told anyone with the exception of my best g/f and one of my sisters and even then, they don't know the extent to which I have seen him. I know his feelings were hurt by that but that is also too bad for him. I am not going to set myself up to have to explain to anyone the why's and how's when he does something else. And if history is any indication....he will do something else.

One thing that I do have to do though is to limit the time that I do spend with him. Jesus, these guys are good at monopolizing our time aren't they? The ex-ex did the same thing last year.....always making sure they make plans before you can make them with anyone else. So I need to put a stop to that.

I am going away with him this weekend (his way of trying to "re-kindle" the romance) but when we get back, I really need to put my foot down and not be so "available".

Anyway, that's it. Everything else is fine....work is fine, family is fine. And I have been feeling much better since I put the self-help books on hiatus.

Take care,
Lolli

May 23, 2007
12:51 pm
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bevdee
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Hey Lolli,

"And I have been feeling much better since I put the self-help books on hiatus. " Sometimes I have to just be- think my thoughts, and observe my impressions. It doesn't all come from a book. You know me and my musings! If it does come from a book- then what the hell book?

It's nice to hear from you. Hey we should start a thread- A voice from the hiatus. :O Sorry.

I was wondering about this -
My g/f thinks I am trying to get my "pound of flesh"." What does your friend mean by that?

May 23, 2007
1:01 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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lolli,

given my own experience, I understand what you are doing...I did the same.

and eventually you will come to the point that you KNOW it's time to go.

you won't need books to tell you that.

you won't need a therapist to tell you that.

you won't need us to tell you.

you won't need your friends to tell you.

You will just wake up one day, sick and tired of being sick and tired and just end it.

There is a paragraph written somewhere called "the awakening"...when you just wake up one day ready to make the changes, without any thought, effort or fanfare, you just do it.

You will get there.

I don't know if you are truly getting your pound of flesh...but maybe more just having someone...and being free to take out your frustrations on him, instead of holding back. And since he is "taking his medicine", you keep dishing it out.

He doesn't want to lose you, so he knows not to challenge your moods...to accept it. But one day will come when he gets tired of it...and that may be the day it finally ends.

or not.

Anyway, you gotta do what you gotta do...and if this is comfortable for now...then do it.

I have been down this road...so I am not going to judge.

I still believe that the day you decide to really end things with him will be the day you decide to move away from that house and start anew. That until you reach that point, things with snow will just keep on keeping on.

And if it works for you...that's ok too.

May 23, 2007
1:09 pm
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Hi Bevdeelicious,

I think what she meant was that I am letting out my anger on him. Making him "pay" for what he has done, if you will.

She may be right, I don't know.

I do know that one minute I am fine and the next minute...anything can set me off, and I hate to say it, because it's not very becomming, but I can become quite vicious....and relentless.

I've tried to tell him that I believe that it is going to keep happening (meaning my angry outbursts) and despite what he has done, it is not fair to him...but he seems to want to take his chances and see what happens.

I will say this though.....even though I have put the self help books away....I have come to a realization.

This whole thing with Snow was less about him and more about me. I mean don't get me wrong....what he did was bad, and it was inappropriate but it was not the worse thing in the world. He pretended he was single and schmoozed his kid's mother so he wouldn't have to pay over $400 a week for child support. Hell, I SUPPORTED him in that until he took it too far. But anyway....although bad, not the worse thing in the world. However, TO ME.....it WAS the worse thing he could do. It was the worse thing because during his drinking days he used this girl to humilate me and even since I have been OBSESSED with trying to CONTROL that situation.

My realization was this....I believe it was not what he did that was so devestating to me but the fact that I had absolutely no control over it. I mean as weird as it may sound....I literally felt like I was falling from a bridge or something. It was one of the worse feelings I've had.

And I think having that realization has helped me tremendously over the past several weeks. Instead of trying to find some magic fix out of a book or a therapists office....I need to spend more time letting go of things that are beyond my control. I need to start practicing what I preach, in other words. I've SAID the serenity prayer a million times....but I don't think I ever really GOT IT until this happened.

It hasn't been easy but I really feel like I am on the right track.

And hopefully, for my sake...as well as Snow's.... one of these days I'll be able to practice forgiveness as well.

Sorry, for the ramble. I really went off on a tangent there, didn't I?

May 23, 2007
1:40 pm
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Lolli cutie!

"It was the worse thing because during his drinking days he used this girl to humilate me and even since I have been OBSESSED with trying to CONTROL that situation."

I have wanted to ask you something about that night you talk about for a long time. There were so many voices in your update room, and I wondered if you were getting overwhelmed.

Now I want to respect your hiatus. Holla at me sometime. I will have my thoughts together on that. I kind of shelved it, you know- I'm all about me these days. 🙂

It is nice to see you.

May 23, 2007
2:29 pm
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Shaney
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Hey there loll...

I get where you're coming from, only because I've been there with some of my own relationships. It all becomes so overwhelming and convoluted in our own heads at times, we just have to say "who gives a shit" and live for a while without pressure or accountability. Eventually things will start to make sense, and you'll make the decisions you need to make, when you're good and ready. I know that in the midst of my times of carelessness, I came out of it pretty darn clear about what I DON'T want. Thats always a good thing. So, my friend, live on :o) - love you - Marina

May 23, 2007
4:52 pm
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Hi Girlies,

Bevdee....feel free to ask anything you'd like.

Shanster,

Thanks for being here. I've been in this spot before and I don't think things are looking good for Snow. Unless he pulls some rabbit out of his ass that changes how I feel about things....generally in the past....once I start looking at others...it's only a matter of time before someone catches my attention.

I think he knows that as well.

In the meantime, I'm going to do just that....live for a while without pressure, most notably from myself.

Love you too my friend,
Lolli

May 23, 2007
5:57 pm
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Shaney
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Yeah, Snow has been skating on thin ice for quite a while now, actually, so I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for those rabbits to pop out of his ass. Sorry, but I just feel like you've just about had it with him. So you're actually "LOOKING at others?" I want details if there's anything to tell. :o)

May 23, 2007
6:29 pm
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((((Lolli))))) You are doing just great, my friend! Wise beyond your years....

May 23, 2007
6:41 pm
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Not much to tell I'm afraid....although I did go on a date a couple of weeks ago with the professor from school.

No sparks. But hey, I went!

As far as Snow goes....I feel much like I did when I was with my ex (the one right before Snow). That one actually DID cheat on me and although I didn't break up with him at that moment....I was no longer committed to him either. We stayed together (sort of) for a couple of months after that but I kissed another guy (on a regular basis 🙂 and when I met Snow...I left the ex in the dust.

I feel bad because I know it would hurt Snow terribly, but I can't help but feel that if I met someone that gave me that feeling in my belly....I would be a fool to not take the chance that it could be better than what I have now.

Again, that's exactly what happened when I met Snow. I thought...."okay, I KNOW what I have now and chances are it's not going to change....I HAVE to take the chance with this new guy" And I did. And I didn't feel bad about it either. And despite the fact that it wasn't what I had hoped it would be.....I haven't regretted that decision for a minute.

The reason I would feel bad with Snow is because he is very different than my ex. I honestly believe that most of Snow's issues are not due to him being "evil" or "malicious" but due to immaturity and an obviously fucked up-bringing. And although I believe the same about the ex....he was completely unwilling to change ANYTHING. He was an abusive alcohol, porn, sex addicted, drug addict then....and he is an abusive, alcohol, porn, sex addicted drug addict now. Snow on the other hand has changed and grown in so many ways. Just unfortunately not as much or as quickly, I guess, as I would have liked.

His issues....coupled with my own....just don't seem to mesh. But I don't want to hurt him either. I have been very honest about how I feel though.

Blah, blah, blah.....huh?

Anyway....I'm not actively looking but if another "professor" pops up....I'll let you know.

May 23, 2007
6:42 pm
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((((Plz)))))....so nice to see you!!!!!

Thanks for stopping by.

Love ya,
Lolli

May 25, 2007
5:47 pm
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bevdee
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Lolli

I wanted to wish you a fun holiday.

(((Gorgeous)))

June 1, 2007
5:54 pm
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lollipop3
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(((((Bevdee)))))

Thak you so much. You are very thoughtful.

My goodness, I was shocked to see my thread as the very last one on the board. I don't think it's been last for....I don't know.....2 years! One more day and it would have disappeared altogether!

Anyway, I had a lovely holiday...thank you for asking.

With the exception of a minor incident on Sat. morning, which only lasted a few minutes, I actually had a really great time with Snow. I made the decision that I was going to put everything on the shelf for the time being and just "live in the moment" and enjoy the weekend. We stayed at a really nice hotel and he took me to some great restaurants and of course, you know how he is when he's trying to get back into my good graces so I got quite a few presents as well. Hell, if he wants to buy them...I say let him, no?

The only problem with the whole thing is that I know he is doing this and being on his best behavior because he wants to get me back. I, on the other hand, had a great time but didn't feel like I was with someone that I was in a relationship with (or someone I wanted to be in a relationship with)....I felt more like I was with a friend.

Again, I have been very honest with him and have been forthcoming about my feelings but he just keeps on keepin' on hoping to rekindle something.

Despite his being on good behavior, I know that nothing has changed and nothing I say or do is going to make him change. He is who he is, just like I am who I am. And I don't think who he is is something that I can, or should, live with.

The good news is that I no longer feel like I want, or need, him to change.

This last time around...I really had such high hopes that things were going to work out for us. And when he agreed to go to therapy I really thought he had come to some realizations and really wanted to try to work on changing some of his issues. I honestly thought that THIS TIME, we were going to make it. And when I found out he had been lying to me the whole time.....I don't know. It just destroyed the love that I had for him. It was like someone turned off the switch or something, if that makes any sense. Not that I don't "love" him....because of course, despite his immaturity, I still care about him and love him in some ways, but I'm no longer in love with him and no longer have the desire to make a relationship work.

Now I feel more like....I don't have any plans this weekend....wanna do something? Just a comfortable person to pass the time with ya know? I feel like I could take it or leave it. Whatever.

And of course, doing stuff with him on weekends makes it so I can comfortably avoid having to date others and remain in my commitmentphobic state that I seem to enjoy despite my protests to the contrary.

I'm still working on that part 🙂

So that's what's been going on with me. I hope things are going well for you and I hope you enjoyed your holiday as well.

Love ya,
Lolli

June 1, 2007
8:27 pm
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Lolli

It's good to hear from you. Things are going well for me. I got a new job, did you hear? I got an offer to work half the hours at twice the pay. So I work 2- 12hour shifts each Sat and Sun, and I have 5 days off each week. I started this 2 weekends ago, and it has taken me until about yesterday to just settle myself down. I don't set the alarm on the weekday mornings and I don't have to do anything except feed those dogs! I've been in high gear for about 7 years, working at least 50 hours a week, and it's time for me learn to relax. I'll at least take the summer off- the lake is too close!

I had a realisation last week about your thread and me. I like you because I sense alot of you in me. You're sassy, and so am I. That's narcissistic, I think? I know what you are going through. Do you remember when I posted to you that I was needing to convince you and getting frustrated because I couldn't? Well - I crashed here about a week ago over the Casinoman, because he dropped by. I posted the whole thing to Tez and he helped me to get things in perspective about my addiction to this man. (Now, I'm not saying.....) But what I am trying to say is this. After I was over my crisis over my contact with C-man, I started thinking about you and that Snow and all my advice. All the points I made. I have heard that mostly when we talk it is to tell ourselves something, and I believe that is what I was doing on this thread. YES - I was sharing my vast wonderful knowledge, and I wished a different outcome for you, but I was also trying to convince myself. Because if you were successful with NC, or detachment, that gave me hope! If you were successful as a couple in therapy, that gave me hope for myself- that hope that we can make them change to suit us. I think I know how you feel and felt because I have been in every emotional situation you described here.

I hope I didn't hurt you in any way when I was being all blunt. If so, I apologise. I love you Lolli, and I still think you are the bravest little toaster.

(((Lolli cutie)))

June 2, 2007
8:40 am
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Hiya Bevdilicious,

This whole thing....life that is....really is just one big ole' learning experience, ain't it?

You never hurt my feelings Bev. I don't think anyone here has ever really hurt my feelings. I believe you told the truth, from your perspective and sometimes the truth can be hard to hear. But it's necessary. And it didn't hurt me because I believe in my heart that none of it was meant to hurt but instead, it was out of love from a friend. How can that be hurtful?

I am not taking a break from here because of anything in particular that you or anyone else said. I took a break because of the things I was saying to myself. I was just trying too hard to do everything right, ya know? I was trying to be "perfect" in my recovery, just like I try to be perfect in everything else. And in the process, I was feeling worse and worse and worse. So I had to give it a break.

And when I say "give it a break"....I'm not just using that as an excuse to rationalize hanging around with Snow (I've asked myself that question to be sure). I am still working on myself and trying to figure out what I want and what I don't want. I'm still learning what my responsibilities are to others and more importantly, to myself. I am still learning that I don't have to just give my trust and loyalty away just because someone expects me to or because they guilt me into it.
So, the process is still going on, it's just more..... internal, I guess. For the time being at least.

But I do still stop by and check in from time to time and I'm so happy that things are turning around for you. I'm sorry that I wasn't here for you during your Casinoman crises. When I get a chance, I will check out the thread with Tez if you don't mind?

I have to tell you though...I am GREEN with envy over your work situation. Ahhhh, what I wouldn't give to work only 2 days a week!

Thanks for always being here Bev. I love you too and I like being the bravest little toaster 🙂

Love ya girl,
Lolli

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