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An update.....Lolli
October 30, 2006
1:06 pm
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2bstrong
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Lolli,

Your insight has helped me figure out something that I didn't understand about my relationship with Harley. He seemed so different than all of the other men that I have had relationships with in my life...he seemed...AVAILABLE. He was commited to his children, why, he was very different. He had even been married before--committed. But, he wasn't available at all. Not emotionally at all. He was the same person in a different package. But, even though I am not making huge steps...I AM different. I recognized his subtle unavailable behavior enough to question it...

We are doing great, Lolli. It can't happen over night. It's not easy to let go of love, and dreams. I am doing it with Dr. Boobies right now...it takes a lot of thinking.

October 30, 2006
1:42 pm
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Shaney
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Hey lolli -

I think you're still, after all this time, hoping that he'll turn things around in record time, and put an end to all your suffering. I see you dangling the same hooks out there, hoping he'll bite on your terms. But he's never done anything on your terms, that I can remember. If I hadn't seen this same scenario several times before, I would tell you to hold on to hope. But because the only difference with this particular situation, is the length of time that you held out, I'd have to say that you can probably expect the same results as before. I think he'll turn on you the second that you begin to get frustrated that he isn't sucumbing to your requests, and say things that will make you doubt yourself again. Then the cycle will start over. Don't get in too deep lolli. You can put on the brakes and move forward - I just don't understand why you don't want that. You're wasting your life waiting for Snoblo to change. Not talking to him for months, and seeing you with someone else didn't get him to change. Repeating the same list of demands that he has heard a million times before, yet again, isn't going to get him to change either. He doesn't want to change. Turn him loose.

After you talked to Snoblo a week or so ago, and actually had spent some time with him, you finally made the decision to have the "talk" with exex, get back into your schoolwork, concentrate on yourself etc... But I had the feeling, when reading that post that you had already decided to give Snoblo another chance. It seemed to me that you were tying up your loose ends, or clearing your slate, so that you could focus on Snoblo. And if that's completely off track, I apologize. But if it's not, and your decision is to try again with Snoblo, then be honest with yourself about it. Don't make excuses to yourself or anyone else - just be honest. It's okay to have the feelings that you have for him. But if you're going to follow those feelings, then you have to let go of your terms and conditions that you have held on to for so long. All of those things that you think will make him into the man that you need - you'll need to let go of. You'll need to accept him they way he is, and throw that list away. Otherwise, this cycle will continue.

I want you to be happy - and honestly, I don't think Snoblo is the one that's going to do that for you. I'm sorry you're going through this lolli - you don't deserve it. And I'm sorry that I'm being so blunt here. But I think you're standing at a crossroad, and I'd hate to see you take that familiar road that's going to lead you right back here in a couple of months. The unfamiliar road may be harder, but it will change your life and take you to right to the life that you want.

love to you - Shaney

October 30, 2006
5:47 pm
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lollipop3
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Hello Ladies and thank you all for your input. Don't worry about being too harsh....I really don't take it that way.

Turn,

I'm not so sure that you are correct in that I DON'T want to spend the holidays with him. And I'm also not so sure that I am looking for my family to make that decision for me....at least not in the way that you think. My reasons for wanting to spend the holidays with him have less to do with "love" and more to do with codependency and not wanting to say no. I would ask my family's opinion because if they said it would make them uncomfortable then I would tell him no. Although in all honesty...I can't see them saying that.

I'm not sure what I want to do. But I will take your suggestion seriously and really give this some thought. Ultimately I will decide for myself what I want to do.

Shaney,

Like I said above...don't worry about seeming harsh. I don't take it that way at all. I am not as concerned for myself as you are. Then again....maybe I should be...I don't know. I don't see myself getting back into a relationship with him as it stands. And I hear what you are saying about accepting him "as he is" but I can't do that, which is why I feel I can't get back into a relationship with him. On the same token, I think you are right in that I am still holding out, waiting for him to give me that "right" answer that will never come. But again....I think that has more to do with me and my fears and less to do with him. Or perhaps I am just in denial. I don't know. I do know that I have been very consistant with him in how I feel and have not budged as far as that is concerned. Yet I still like knowing he is there. A control issue perhaps? I have the upper hand? It is all very confusing to me right now.

As far as the ex-ex is concerned....that decision was made before the Snowblower came back into the picture. I hadn't done it yet but I knew what I wanted and needed to do. I was trying to convince myself that I "should" be with the ex-ex...but ultimately...it was not what I wanted and I knew what I had to do. I think the Snoblower coming back into the picture just added enough pressure to make me do it sooner. Of course as a result, doing so has made me more available to the Snowblower but that was not my intention. Consciously at least.

It would be so much easier if he didn't live here. (Having said that...I don't mean to be difficult but telling me to move is not going to help.)

I have to get to school but I will check back in later.

Thank you all so much for you help and logic 🙂 I never would have gotten as far as I have without you girls.

Lolli

And to you (((2b))) Thank you for your kind words 🙂

October 30, 2006
7:11 pm
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Hi Lolli

After about 2 months NC... I saw him again, we emailed... Went out for lunch.. I kept telling myself No expectations... Just having a friendly lunch... We are not getting back together... Well lunch turned into dinner and the weekends turned into surfing together... yet I still kept my distance... No expectations... just having a good time with someone I like to be around...

As it turned out... Ex came back into the picture after 10 months, and I was no longer in the picture... What I realized, was I had been lured back in with all intentions of not getting back together.. But once I was cutoff the pain came realling back... Now it is close to 2 months again NC and me feeling all that pain again.. Just be aware what you think is ok for now... Once you decide to cut cords again you may feel the pain again....

October 30, 2006
8:16 pm
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turnabout
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Hey girl,

this is totally splitting hairs, but I didn't assert that you DON'T want to spend the holidays with him. I said I doubted it, but essentially it's none of my business. Telling you what you want would have contradicted EVERYTHING I was trying to say. Did you feel defensive when you read my post?

My reasons for wanting to spend the holidays with him have less to do with "love" and more to do with codependency and not wanting to say no.

... which is really the idea I was going for, I guess. B/c codependency is what we settle for. It has NOTHING to do with what we really want.

I would ask my family's opinion because if they said it would make them uncomfortable then I would tell him no.

Not wanting to say 'no' being your reason ... Leaving it up to your family ... Is this really good enough for you? Letting other people decide for you? Are you afraid of being the 'bad guy' by saying no if he came right out and asked?

Maybe I'm missing something here, b/c I genuinely don't get it. I don't get what would make you want to share your family holidays specifically with HIM. Yeah, that's what it is. I mean, are you just looking at it as an opportunity to have SOMEONE around so that you're not a "poor" singleton among all the "blissfully complete" couples? (Bridgette Jones Diary pops to mind.) Is there something special he brings that would make you want him there?

Here's what is standing out for me Lolli and making this not quite add up. You mention that he's hinting around. You anticipate that he might even grow the pair to ask. You're deliberating on how to handle it if he does or if his hinting becomes too obtuse to shrug off.

What I'm not seeing is self-motivated contemplation over this. It's all reactive. Since he's hinting around about it, you're thinking about it, and ONLY b/c he's hinting around 'bout it. You haven't expressed any other cause for thinking of it on your own.

Here are your exact words:
However, if he does ultimately ask....I'm not so sure I can say no. How do you tell someone...."no, you have to spend the holidays alone". I don't know if I can do it. I am going to speak to my family about it and see if they are comfortable with it....and depending on their answer....we'll see what happens.

Did the idea of inviting him to join you ever happen on its own? Would you even consider it if not for his hints? I see no indication of it from your words here. Find out how you would feel and what you would want in the absence of pressure you feel imposed on you now... in the absence of his hints ... and you'll have the answer of what YOU want.

Lolli, I honestly, honestly feel that this choice is all yours and none of my business. It may seem as though I'm harping on this little thing too much, but truth is I don't give a flip about what you end up choosing. It isn't life or death. This choice won't ruin you or save you. It's just one little choice.

But I do see it as an opportunity to become AWARE of how you make choices, why you make them, etc. Not just with Snowblower, but in general. You don't even know what you want, and so you're deferring to your family and what they want (or won't mind)!! But I doubt it's entirely true that you don't know. On some level, we ALWAYS know what we want, we're often just afraid that it's inappropriate somehow and question if we even have the RIGHT to want it. We're afraid of hurting someone's feeling; We're afraid of being unfair. We allow the fear to take precedent, but it doesn't really change anything. If you get beneath the fear, what you want is still there. It doesn't go anywhere whether you tell yourself it's wrong to want it or not. It gets squooshed, that's all, but it's still there!

So, I think this is a small thing, really, in your life story, and even your Snowblower story, but it can be a BIG opportunity for you to become aware of what you want ... and hopefully have the courage to decide that you're worth it, whatever it is.

October 30, 2006
10:17 pm
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Hi Turn,

I'm sorry I don't know how to use the fancy, purple italics to quote you here so I have to stick with the old school method of quotation marks to answer your questions :o)

"Did you feel defensive when you read my post? "

No, not at all.

" I mean, are you just looking at it as an opportunity to have SOMEONE around so that you're not a "poor" singleton among all the "blissfully complete" couples?"

Again, no...not at all. I have spent many holidays alone with my family and have no problem with it at all. Not to mention my sister is single, my nephew is single, my father is single and that is 3/4 of my family....so "coupledom" is definately not the issue.

The issue is exactly what you described in the rest of the post. Not making decisions for myself but passively allowing decisions to be made for me.

The rest of your post was brilliant. So brilliant that I am going to print it off so I can read it again and again and perhaps some day it will sink in.

Until then....I have some soul searching to do. But I must also remember....Rome wasn't built in a day.

Love,
Lolli

October 30, 2006
10:19 pm
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lollipop3
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Elizabeth,

What you described in your post....is exactly what I am afraid of. And yes, if I am not careful here....it is exactly what will happen.

Thanks for being here my friend.

Love,
Lolli

October 30, 2006
10:31 pm
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Shaney
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Hey lolli, are you around? Are you doing anything for Halloween? I'm not... just coming home and spending it with my dogs. I bought a little candy, but not loads (refer to "POLL: What is your favorite Halloween Memory?") M is going into work, so I'm looking forward to the alone time. My mom is in town for a week and she's staying with my brother... but I can probably dodge that bullet, at least for one night :o).

Tra - lolli's right... that was a great post.

October 30, 2006
10:41 pm
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Hi Shanster,

Wasn't that a great post! I've said it before and I'll say it again....that Tra is one smart cookie. I look forward to the day when I have the same insight, confidence and strength. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

As for Halloween.....I spend every Halloween with my father helping him pass out candy and tomorrow will be no different. I'll probably go there straight from work and spend a couple of hours. I love spending it with him....he is 77 years old and still dresses up every year to pass out candy to the kids. I love that he is so young at heart.

I had lunch with him today. He was a little down as today is the 20th anniversary since my mother died. We talked a little bit about it and after lunch he was going to the cemetary to bring her a bush of yellow roses. They were her favorite.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow as I hope it will lift his spirits.

No pun intended :o)

October 30, 2006
11:01 pm
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Shaney
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Ahh... very clever, unintentional pun.

Well, that sounds like a great halloween plan. Your dad sounds like a riot - all dressed up for the kids, ready to hand out candy. I love it.

It just breaks my heart about today being the 20th anniversary since your mom died, and your dad's devotion to his wife, even after all this time. It's sad and wonderful all at once. I hope someone cares enough about me 20 years after I'm gone, to bring me my favorite flower. We'll have to exchange that info, just in case you outlive me or I outlive you. :o)

Well, I'm sitting my butt down in front of the tv until bedtime. I'll talk to you tomorrow. Sending love and hugs your way, because I know you're in an odd place right now and could use 'em. Night, girlfriend.

October 31, 2006
7:47 am
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lollipop3
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Speaking of devotion to your wife......Have you seen the movie "The Notebook"?

I watched it the other night and all I can say is oh....my....god.

Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!

October 31, 2006
11:49 am
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You guys are so gracious. Thanks for your generous compliments.

Lolli:
Again, no...not at all. I have spent many holidays alone with my family and have no problem with it at all. Not to mention my sister is single, my nephew is single, my father is single and that is 3/4 of my family....so "coupledom" is definately not the issue.

Well, that’s good to hear. I’ve also been fortunate about not having outside pressure to pair up with anybody, but from what I’ve seen, that’s pretty rare. It actually sickens me sometimes to see what friends or other family members have experienced in having the “find someone, anyone!” concept being pushed on them so aggressively, yet subversively, that they honestly think they need “someone, anyone!” to be worth anything.

But I must also remember....Rome wasn't built in a day.

That’s right. It’s just one day at a time, one lesson at a time; One discovery at time, one milestone at a time. That’s the way we’re made, and that’s all we can do. Just keep seeking awareness and it all comes ‘round eventually. No worries.

And it never stops. You think it’s the pain and confusion that will never stop, but it’s the learning that goes on and on, if you keep seeking it that is. Y’know, I cut off contact with J_ well over a year ago, I have a satisfying relationship with someone else now, and don’t even have excuse now for any connection with J_’s life since mutual friendships have fallen away from me, but I’m still learning things about that relationship and from it! A couple of weeks ago I had to confront how I was STILL making excuses for him OVER TWO YEARS LATER, b/c I do still care about him and want to believe we can reconcile someday and be friends again. You really have no idea how stupefied I was to realize I was still making excuses for him, but excited, too, b/c becoming aware of them gave me the power to eliminate them. Freedom comes in small bites, and I’m becoming aware how well I can still care about him while holding him FULLY responsible for his choices … while caring fully about ME and what I need.

Love ya girl. Take care and just be aware.

TraCo

October 31, 2006
11:53 am
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turnabout
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Oh, and The Notebook ... VERY moving film! I cried and cried when I saw it b/c I was in the throws of grief over J_ at the time. I call that man's love a "tenacious love"... it grabs hold and won't let go... And, God knows, we ALL deserve a tenacious love in our lives.

October 31, 2006
12:32 pm
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Hey Lolli;

THE NOTEBOOK" great movie. The love me and my husband share is just like the NOTEBOOK. My family doesn't accept that but sometimes in life what's wrong for others, is right for you. As I have said before my husband has many faults which is opposite of me. He tells me that I am as straight as an arrow". He is probally right, he is so busy doing many wrongs for both of us. But does it change my love for him. NO!
when you are ready to hit snowblower to the curve, you will!
Accepting him as he is for now, would make you happier,and when he is ready to change he will. When he sees the change in you. Taking him for the holidays with you is your choice and your choice alone. my question is, if the family says he is not welcomed, will it hurt you to tell him that or do you stay home with him so he won't be alone?
When you come to an intersection, you have to choose which way to go. I don't think you have reached that intersection yet, when you are ready you will make that choice!!!

October 31, 2006
8:46 pm
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lollipop3
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(((Turn))) Thanks for being here my friend.

October 31, 2006
8:56 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Just,

I agree that what is wrong for others does not mean that it is wrong for me. In my case though...the reason my friends and family think it is wrong is because I have told them repeatedly that *I* think it is wrong and I know they only want what's best for me. None of them dislike him. He is a very likable person but he has many issues and does many unlikeable things. They understand this and feel sad for him more than they dislike him.

Anyway...to answer your question.....

If they said they didn't want him to come, (which again...I don't think they would. Instead they would silently think...."here we go again...she's an idiot) then I would go without him. If we had some great relationship and I was head over heals in love and they said they didn't want him to come....then I would stay with him. But that is not the case and I enjoy the holidays with my family to much to miss out on it.

Having said that....I would not tell him why. I wouldn't even tell him I discussed it with them. I would just tell him that I didn't think it was a good idea and leave it at that. Which could very well happen whether my family agrees or not.....I haven't decided yet.

Thanks for stopping by and I wish you luck with your own family situation.

Lolli

October 31, 2006
9:50 pm
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Hi Lolli: I was gone for a couple of weeks and wow what a change. No mention of ex ex, and now we're talking of SnoBlo for the holidays. I obviously missed something!!
SD

October 31, 2006
9:59 pm
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Hey loll - I'm finally home alone. I just got thru sitting in traffic for an hour so it'll take me a while to unwind. But I'm happy to finally have a night to myself. Other than that, I've had a horrible attitude lately. I've been really negative and it's really bringing me down. I think I need to go to church or something? Anyway, I don't know if you peek in on the DARN thread, but instead of rewriting what I wrote, here it is, below. I hate my job with a passion right now, and everyone that works there. I need to get out, as I feel I'm falling behind with technology and trends, and my talents are going to waste. Besides that, all my friends are bugging me too. I'm in a wierd place... here's what I wrote after hgal asked me what I do for a living:

I'm creative director for a company that is poorly run. The owner is hardly ever here, so a few self-appointed, ego-maniacal fools have decided to torment the masses with their wannabe-authority. I've been here for 10 years, and don't fall under anyone's rule (other than the owner's), but it's hard to take, nonetheless. Since I choose to stay out of the politics and the daily backstabbings brought on by this elite group, I usually end up picking knives out of my back for a good part of the evening, once I get home from work. It's nauseating, and I'm ready to flee. I'm with you... after the first of the year, I'm blowing this joint. The things that they do are so infantile. Today was a potluck, which was planned by that mean group. The owner would cut off his arms and legs before he contributed $1 towards doing anything special for his employees, but that's another story, so employees usually step up to do something. Anyway, the mean people sent a sign up list around to everyone asking them to bring things for the potluck. Although they usually leave me out of things, they asked me, so I signed up. But today, when they had the potluck, no one even told my department that they were serving until everyone was almost done eating. Isn't that shitty? I was SO fucking pissed off. The only reason that I even knew that everyone was already eating, was because I happened to go to the restroom and ran into my boss's driver, who asked me why I hadn't eaten yet. I just said, "Well, because no one bothered to let us know that they were ready to eat... (and added) which I've pretty much grown to expect from the group that planned this thing." Well, the main mean person was standing right there and said, "Oh, I thought you knew." And I just said, "Yeah, I'm sure." I really can't stand that place, and so I was pissed for the rest of the day.

AND...!

Remember my girl-only trip to Vegas planned for Dec. 1? Well, the girls have, one by one, bailed out, and so I just finished cancelling my flight and my room for the trip. I'm SO bummed out. I called M to tell him and he said, "Good, now we can go somewhere instead." Which sounds fine to me. At least I know I can count on him not to cancel on me! I'm making reservations in Sedona, AZ for that weekend - neither one of us has ever seen the Grand Canyon. We both could use the time away. SERENITY NOW!

Anyway, sorry to dump on you...

November 1, 2006
7:18 am
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lollipop3
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Hi SD and welcome back!!! I hope you enjoyed your trip.

You really haven't missed all that much. In a nutshell....ex-ex was putting on the pressure and I was about to explode. I felt as though I was leading him on and had to tell him so. He said he understood and would leave well enough alone. He hasn't. He called me the other day and asked if I was still going to go shopping with him. Sigh...... No body ever listens to me.

Snowblower saw me with the ex-ex and panicked. He has been "trying" to get me back since then. We have gone to dinner a couple of times and had a few conversations but so far, despite his claims to the contrary....nothing has changed. The talk of the holidays is basically hypothetical. I haven't invitied him, nor has he asked. But he has "hinted" which in turn, made me begin to pressure myself and question what I will do if and when he does ask. It seems as though I'm just not happy unless I am taking years off of my life by stressing myself to death.

Other than that....everything else is about the same. I have been taking a lot of time for myself and my schoolwork.

Love,
Lolli

November 1, 2006
7:24 am
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lollipop3
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((((Shaney)))),

I'm sorry you are having a rough time these days. If you are unhappy at your job.....perhaps you can start looking for something else? As my father always says.....life is too short to be unhappy. Words to live by, no? If it were only that easy!

I'm also sorry to hear about your trip. What a disappointment! I think it is so unfortunate that there are so many people in the world that you CAN'T depend on. Especially when those people are our friends. Funny thing is....it is those same types of people that make fun of me for being "too nice" because I pride myself on being dependable. Like everything else....I seem to take on the responsiblity to make up for those people. Do you ever feel that way?

Anyway....I gotta get to work. I hope you have a better day today and check in later.

Love,
lolli

November 1, 2006
4:02 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Lolli: OK, I thought thats probably what happened w/ ex ex. Did you ever get to do the makeover? And it doesn't surprise me that Sno Blo was front and center when he got a whiff of what was in the air. Almost feel sorry for him- after all of the edumakation you've given him he still doesn't get it.

Shaney: I think you should explore going out on your own. You do that part time anyhow, right? Maybe you can expnad on that. I did it 5 years ago and its the best thing I've ever done. BUT self employed people WORK THEIR ASSES OFF, trust me on that one- but its rewarding, you have more control. Plus you have hubby and his benefits, right? So may be good for you. I was miserable in my job for years, hated
EVERYBODY just about, so I can relate to where you're at.

SD

November 1, 2006
4:59 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi SD,

No, the makeover never officially took place. We did a little shopping but he never went for the haircut....not yet at least.

That whole situation is still stressing me out. He was really putting on the pressure with things like "let's just go elope" and the like. At first I thought it was cute but he just kept saying things like that even after repeated conversations that I was feeling pressured by such statements. Then came the house that he was looking to rent. Even after I told him that I only wanted to be friends at this point and didn't want to even discuss a relationship, he kept eluding to the fact that he wanted me to move in with him. He also kept making reference to me cooking for him and having sex with him. It was all quite subtle and said in a "joking" manner...but every time he made a "joke", I felt like another hundred pound weight had been added to my back.

Despite the fact that he kept saying that he didn't want to pressure me and that he had no expectations...it was evident that he did and I just needed to be honest with him.

The reason it is still stressing me is because after having this conversation with him he told me that he understood completely and that he would leave well enough alone. He left it at "if you want to do something one day....just give me a call." To which I agreed. Then this past Sunday....less than a week after he said that....he called "just to say hi" and asked...."are you still going to go shopping with me?" So here I was feeling relieved and thinking that the pressure was off.....and here it is back again.

Now normally, under the circumstances....I would have said....I JUST TOLD YOU LESS THAN A WEEK AGO....GIVE ME A BREAK, WILL YA? Because to be honest....I don't want to go shopping with him at this point (I know I flip/flop a lot but if these people would just LISTEN and RESPECT what I say...I wouldn't flip/flop so much!) But.....my car is still at his shop waiting to be sold....so now I feel obligated to him for doing me that favor. I shouldn't feel obligated because I told him on 3 separate occations that I would get it out of there and that I didn't want him to have to deal with it but each time he has insisted that it was fine and that he would take care of it. But I do feel obligated. Now I feel like the best thing for me to do is to get it out of there. I don't know where I am going to put it but I don't like feeling like this.

As for the Snowblower....I too feel sorry for him. You are right...he doesn't get it. I can see he WANTS to get it. Sometimes he THINKS he gets it. But he doesn't get it. Sometimes I feel bad because he will come to me so proud thinking that NOW....he gets it. Only to have me say....no, you really don't. I can't imagine how frustrating that must be for him.

He and I are going to have to have a talk....perhaps this weekend. If I can grow a pair before then. He gave me the opportunity to tell him the other day that it was over and I couldn't say the words. I repeatedly told him what I wanted and what I would and would not accept but that never gets us anywhere. In the meantime he has been doing everything in his power EXCEPT what he needs to do. No amount of dinners, or movies, or Halloween balloons is going to make the difference. I need to just let him know that unless he gets help....he is wasting his time with me. I have muster the strength to tell him the truth and to accept the answer to that. And THAT'S the part that I seem to be having such a difficult time with. Accepting the answer.

November 1, 2006
5:30 pm
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sdesigns
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Hey Lolli: Maybe you could just rent "a pair" for awhile to get the feel of them? Would be a whole dif feeling, for sure (lol). Can you imagine? Maybe a strap on pair? hahahaha.

Still seems like to me that the door is open just a crack, and Sno Blo knows that. I know you've tried hard to convince yourself that the door is closed, and its pretty darned hard to close the door when he's right under your nose and won't leave.

Ex ex is peristent, isn't he? Can't blame him for knowing what he wants and going after it, but he's got to do it your way, or the deal will be completely off. He knows a damned good thing when he sees it,so can't fault him for that. Plus, I'll bet he knows SnoBlo is still in the picture too.

Re: the car- why is it taking so long to be sold? You think maybe Ex ex is keeping it around as a connection to you?

SD

November 1, 2006
5:51 pm
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SD,

"...and its pretty darned hard to close the door when he's right under your nose and won't leave. "

That was my point in my last post. We don't know that he won't leave. It is entirely possible that he WILL leave if I close the door. I think that is exactly what I have been afraid of....because I don't want him to leave...I want him to get help. However, I think my gut as well as my brain knows what the answer will be when I give him that final "ultimatum." I am certain that is why I have not been able to do it up until this point. I'm mean I've done it....but I haven't reealllyyyy done it. You know what I mean.

Where do think I can rent a pair?

As far as the ex-ex goes....yes, persistant he is, although I'm not finding it flattering at this point. I've questioned the car thing myself and the answer is....I don't know if that is what he is doing or not. It's possible I suppose. But regardless of the reason....I still don't feeling obligated.

November 1, 2006
6:39 pm
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UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well....I grew a pair.

I didn't intend on having this conversation tonight but he called and during our conversation the opportunity presented itself....so I took it.

I reminded him of when he told me the other day to tell him if it was over. I told him that I haven't wanted to say it to him because I was afraid of his answer but I have gotten to the point that I must accept his answer, whatever it may be, and went on to tell him that I cannot and will not get back with him unless he gets help and if he refuses that it is indeed over and he would be wasting his time from here on out.

He responded by saying that losing me was "unacceptable". He said that being without me for the past 4 months has been terrible and that he doesn't want to live another minute without me....nevermind a lifetime. He then asked if the reason I was saying this to him was because I have met someone else. When I told him no, he said....then I will go to counseling with you.

He said that he wanted us to do it together and wanted us to go to couples counseling. I told him that I would do that but it was entirely possible, and even probable, that he would be told he needed to go to individual counseling and I asked him how he felt about that. He said that if that is what they said...then that is what he would do. He said he finally realized that doing so would not hurt him and could only make him a better man.

We had a fairly extensive conversation about the whole thing and it seems that he is really willing to do this. The only thing that he asked is that I promise not to repeat anything that he says in there. He said that if I promise that then he will give it 100%. I said I would.

At the end of our conversation, we agreed that even if after this, it still doesn't work....at least we know that we really did do everything we could.

Of course he could change his mind about this at any moment.....but as it stands.....he will be making an appointment tomorrow.

I may even call my own therapist and see if she can recommend someone.

Wow huh? That certainly turned out differently than I expected.

Without breaking my promise....I'll keep you all posted.

Love,
Lolli

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