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An update.....Lolli
October 12, 2006
7:21 pm
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Anonymous
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(((Lolli)))) All I can say is that I KNOW how you feel!!! Glad you posted here and vented it out!

Don't know what set you off today, but I hope Snoblo doesn't have anything to do with it. If so, I'm available for a good ass kickin'. Just tell me when and where:)

Hang in there, sweetie! Come back and post to us when you have some time and fill us in!

Love and hugs,

Plz~

October 12, 2006
7:39 pm
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hi lolli, just read your post. take it easy, sounds like you're not ready to make any decisions yet, I think that's OK. If ex-ex is serious, he will wait for you. Just don't rush into anything. Listen to that anxiety, moving on to a new and exciting life should not give you any anxiety, so, cherish the in-between until you are ready. hugs. double.

October 12, 2006
10:56 pm
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Hi Plz and double. Thanks for checking in and listening to my rant:)

My problem today doesn't have to do with Snowblower or the ex-ex. It has to do with my old boss.

It's a long and strange story really so I'll try to make it short. When I first started with my company, he was my immediate supervisor. We hit it off right away and became fast friends. Over the past year and half we have gone to lunch and dinner several times and we had dinner together last night. He wanted to pick me up at my house but I opted to meet him elsewhere instead as I'm not totally comfortable with people knowing where I live. Anyway, when I met him I went to get into his car and he handed me a gift with a card and told me to put it in my car. I thought it a bit strange and asked what it was for. He said he saw something he thought I would like and decided to get it....."a belated b-day present, if you will". So, I put it in my car and we left. We had a nice dinner....no different then ever before but he said something that gave me the impression that he was married. He has never mentioned a wife before and because I have no romantic interest in him whatsoever...I never thought to ask. However, he tends to speak in riddles and I never got a definative answer....which I found weird.

Okay...so he brings me back to my car to drop me off and I thanked him again for the gift and said again..."I'm still not sure what that was for"....to which he responded...."I just thought you would like it...but the card may require an explination". Long story short....I didn't get the explination. Again with the riddles. He said "we'll have to do this again in another six months" and we called it a night. I got in my car and drove home.

When I got home, I opened the gift and it was a book. Then I opened the card which was a blank card with a handwritten note hoping I enjoy the book....and $150 in cash! WTF?

Needless to say I called him to ask what that was all about. Again...to make a long story short, he explained that he won it that day betting on a golf game and didn't like the guy he won it from and didn't want his money so he gave it to me. O-kay. I told him that I couldn't accept it and was going to give it back and he said..."that's not going to happen" I found the whole situation to be just plain weird but decided..."whatever"

On to today.....

He called me today at work to say how much he enjoyed last night and how nice it was to relax, blah, blah, blah...and then said...."I'd like to do it again soon but this time I'd like to make an evening out of it....maybe we could catch a movie or a show or something".

I have to be honest....I didn't know what to do or say. I kind of just said...."oh...o-kay". He then said he had to go but would call me at the end of the week to "see where we're at". I hung up the phone.....uneasy....confused....uncomforable and ultimately....pissed off.

What the fuck is that supposed to be? Am I some kind of fucking escort service? Was I paid for my time???? Was giving me money supposed to show me something? Or to make me feel obligated to go out with him on a "date"? And I still don't even know if he's married or not!!!! Not that it matters one way or the other...but still.

On the one hand, I am upset because he was someone that I really liked and thought of as a friend. He was also someone that has always been very complimentary of my "character" as opposed to my physcial appearance, and someone I thought respected me as a person. On the other hand....I am downright insulted and pissed off. How dare he? Whether he intended to be "slick" or he is just a fucking idiot.....either way...I am discusted.

And now I have been put in the position that I have to have a "confrontation" because I WILL NOT go out with him and he WILL take that fucking money back. And it pisses me off that I now am going to be in a position that makes feel uncomfortable.

What the fuck is the matter with people?

And SHAME ON ME for not insisting that he take that money back last night right at the very beginning of this.

I have never had anything like this happen before and frankly...it makes me sick.

Anyway...thanks for listening.

October 12, 2006
11:00 pm
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The more I think about this the more angry I am getting.

I hate people. I hate men. I hate being single.

I am so tired of being put into awkward postions that I don't know what to do about.

I wish that I was the type of person that could just be strong and confident and not care about other people's feelings or appearing rude and just being selfish like every fucking body else in the world.

It's getting to the point that I just want everyone to just leave me alone.

October 12, 2006
11:21 pm
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Hi Lolli,

The ex-ex is the more interesting story to me.

Just as long as he is good to you. That's the important thing.

You want to be careful with the makeover thing. Cause he is always going to have blue jeans and a ponytail inside him.

I've rejected women over the ponytail thing. Give me a ponytail, or give me eternal celibacy.

The boss thing and the money thing?

Well, trust your gut about his motives, probably. Don't gibe an inch of course.

A couple of years ago I realized that one of the undergraduate student helpers in my lab was underpaid. PArtly it was because she complained about her pay. And I had just gotten a raise myself, so I felt guilty.

And I was trying to get a raise for her, but wasn't sure I could make it happen. You can't always make a University do what you want it to do. And I really, didn't want her to quit--I had trained her up so she was quite skilled.

So I decided to take matters into my own hands--I realized I could personally give her a 1 dollar an hour raise out of my own pocket, easy. It came down to 200-300 dollars for a year. Chicken shit, in other words.

So I had a little meeting with her and explained to her that she was God's gift to undergraduate student laboratory helpers and presented her with an envelope full of new bills representing a year's worth of 1 dollar an hour raise. It was like, one of those symbolic gesture things.

She really, really, appreciated hearing that she was...appreciated. And she declined the cash.

I didn't pressure her to keep the money. I just wanted her to know that it was personally worth it to me to appreciate and retain her skilled services.

But somehow, things worked out and my boss ended up giving her a 2 dollar an hour raise, so it all worked out in the end.

October 12, 2006
11:27 pm
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I HEAR you, lolli. M just asked me what was wrong and I just about repeated your words exactly. I'm sick of everyone. I'm sick of being what everyone else needs me to be... patient, understanding, supportive regardless of how I'm affected... etc. I get what you're saying, and I'm walking around pissed off, and it shows. I can't help it.

About your ex boss. What an idiot. I couldn't even begin to speculate as to why he though it was the least bit appropriate to give you money. It's weird... just plain weird. But I'm beginning to believe (where I once had doubt) that men can't be friends with women without really wanting something else. It's true. It's proven to me time after time. He's probably been pretty quiet all this time because you were spoken for... but now he sees an opportunity. And as retarded as his attempt was at breaking the ice with you, or giving you some indication that he was interested in more than just friendship, he failed miserabely. I don't get it, and I'm sorry that you're dealing with such a weird situation at a time when you really just need to be free of crap like this.

October 13, 2006
7:21 am
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Hi WD and thanks for checking in.

It's funny that you mentioned that story about your assistant. When I called him about the money that was the first thing I asked....."I was wondering if I had mentioned that I was poor or had mentioned too many times that I wasn't making enough money?"

He assured me that was not the case and asked that I please don't take it that way.

I would have felt better if that was the case.

I would have felt better if he hadn't asked me out the very next day.

Let me correct that.....he didn't ASK me out.....he told me what he would like us to do.

Anyway, thank you for sharing with me and don't worry about the ex-ex....there will surely be more to that story to keep you interested 🙂

Lolli

October 13, 2006
7:31 am
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Shaney,

I'm with you on the men and women being friends thing. Like you, I used to doubt it whenever men (usually b/f's) told me that men and women can't be friends. I don't doubt it anymore....especially after this.

And like you...I am getting pissed off.

The one thing I am afraid of and I am trying my damnest not to do, is to take it out on the ex-ex. He is an easy target for me because he is just trying so hard (too hard) and I don't want to take advantage of that. He doesn't deserve that. On the same token, he is also pushing the envelope a bit these days and I'm not happy with that either.

I'm not so much angry with him about it but I do think he needs to realize that his expectations were just too high. In other words....he cannot expect to come back after almost 10 years, when I am at the beginning stages of a breakup...that I didn't even want to happen in the first place...and expect that we were just going to get back together and live happily ever after.

Things take time....and if he can't give that to me...then he needs to move on and find someone that is ready to give him what he needs now.

You're right....I REALLY don't need all of this shit right now. And yet....it never...seems...to...stop.

Thanks for being here my friend.

I'll be around later if you need to talk.

October 13, 2006
12:48 pm
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Hey Lolli! Let me just say, I got pissed off FOR YOU just reading this. Damn!!! I agree, he is totally out of line, and has now put YOU in a position of having to do something about it. That is the creepiest feeling...I know, I hate it too!

I always get so upset when I feel like people put me in a position to HAVE to say or do something that is out of character for me. But, Lolli, some people just don't get it any other way.

Usually when things like this happen to me, I withdraw for a couple days from the world. Not in a depressed kind of way, but just to "regroup", take care of me and MY needs, and then I usually have some clarity about what I need to do. I know you have been under alot of pressure lately, with school, and the ex-ex, and Snoblo situation, etc., and it's probably all beginning to take it's toll. TAKE SOME TIME FOR YOU LOLLI! Shut out the world if you must, and listen to your inner voice. Don't do ANYTHING you don't WANT to do! If it hurts someone else's feeling, so what??? This is Lolli's time! Take it!

Love and hugs to you ((((Lolli)))),

Plz~

October 13, 2006
5:22 pm
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(((Plz))) thanks for being here.

I'm much like you in that I tend to "retreat" until I figure out what to do. Frankly...I'm getting tired of having to retreat for that reason.

I'm a bit more calm today. And chances are I'm going to take the easy way out of this one and....lie.

I know, I know....it is the cowardly thing to do but I hate confrontation.

Progress not perfection...right? :o)

October 13, 2006
6:20 pm
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Good for you Lolli...you find the answer that YOU want.

Geez Louise, WTF does this guy have in mind? Sorry to say it, but it looks like that friendship has gone past it's freshness date. Eeeek, aren't you disappointed? I know you're mad, I'm mad for you, but what a let-down, huh?

Did you get your "unplug" weekend last week? Treat yourself to another. Looking forward as always, to hearing what goes down with the ex ex!

October 13, 2006
6:21 pm
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Hey lolli -

I would just love to retreat for the whole weekend, if I could.

M has been home for a week now, whining and complaining about work. He's in the same position when I get home after a full day of work, as he is when I leave in the morning.... talking on the phone.... saying the same thing over and over again to 50 different people.... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah..... I want to scream. He goes back to work on Sunday. There is a God.

My mom, is coming to spend the night on Saturday night. She's been depressed and driving me insane. I get three calls a day from her where she goes on an on and on about mundane, pointless crap. I swear, I can't take it sometimes. Then I get calls from my brother, complaining about my mom.

So, this weekend should push me over the edge and I should be committed by Sunday morning for sure. The only saving grace is that my mom is bringing me two cases of wine from a winemaker friend of mine. By Sunday afternoon, I will be free from the torture. Then I will retreat.

As far as lying goes... if I could think of a lie that would work, I'd do it in a second. Press on, girlfriend.

October 13, 2006
6:38 pm
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Oh, Shaney,

I've been following your frustration recently. Funny how when it rains it pours.

I actually got in Chef's car last night and asked if it was really illegal to kill your boss in Hawaii. (He said, yeah, kinda) After an evening with him, I'm all better. That's the extent of my current worries. Not even CLOSE to what you're enduring.

I take it the hub is on vacay? Poor girly, I feel for ya. Nothing worse than returning from the daily toil to see someone assuming the slug position.

How was the encounter group going for your Mom? Wasn't there some improvement?

She is certainly taking some of the sting away by providing you with some grapes. Pound some down for me! I'll be thinking of you Sunday a.m.

I think you and Lolli should crack open a cyber bottle and toast to being all you can be, for each and every person on the planet! Mind you don't forget yourselves in the shuffle. SOMEone has to carry the world on their shoulders, right?

October 13, 2006
8:27 pm
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Hi H-gal,

I did take some time for myself last weekend SOMEWHAT but not like I had planned. This weekend will be much the same. No plans for tonight...other than homework. Tomorrow I have more schoolwork to do then the ex-ex and I are going shopping in the afternoon and on to a "pumpkin spectacular" after than. Sunday...not a damn thing.

Next weekend though...I'm not doing anything AND I MEAN IT THIS TIME!!!!!

Lolli

October 13, 2006
8:35 pm
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(((Shaney))),

Sounds like you could use to decompress yourself. I believe it is just a matter of boundary setting. If it were only that easy, huh?

I hope things go well for you but I'll be checking in from time to time if you need to vent.

As far as lying to the old boss goes....I've come up with a brillant plan (in my mind at least) that will hopefully get him off my back without a confrontation. I know it is the easy way out but I just can't take the pressure. Not only that but this is someone that I work with and see from time to time and I don't want it to be awkward when we see each other. He has also been a valuable allie (sp?) to me in the company and I would hate to lose that.

So....the lie....

First, I'm going to ignore it for as long as I can. I won't bring it up and will hope that he doesn't either. However, when he does....I will lie through my teeth and tell him that I have been seeing someone and although I didn't mind the "friendly" dinner...I wouldn't feel comfortable going to the movies or anything like that.

That should take care of that.

Oh and I won't be bringing up the money up either. I"m keeping it.

Serves him right....fucking idiot.

October 13, 2006
8:47 pm
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hey lolli,

You remind me of myself in some ways. I often seem to feel I have to do things the hardest way possible -- because it's "purer" or something. I'm finally getting to the point where I can now and then remind myself that no, that isn't the case. Sometimes it's OK to just do what works and not tie myself in knots over someone who isn't worth it.

Glad to see you have hit on a solution that you feel will work for you... even though you consider it "the easy way out". Have fun spending your 'surprise gift' :0)

hugs, kroika

October 13, 2006
8:48 pm
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Yaaaaay, Lolli!

Dang straight! Keep the cash. The world sure ain't idiot-proof, is it? Great idea for the lie. It's a white lie that will preserve your alliance without offending his idiot-hood. 'Sides, you'll still be seeing ex ex, so it's not a bald-face lie, right?

I'll be keeping my eye on you next weekend to make SURE you relax and watch movies.

I'm finishing watching "Take the Lead" with Antonio Banderas tonight. First half was excellent!

October 13, 2006
8:51 pm
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p.s. although... usually the closer you stick to the truth the better. Hope it doesn't cause you any extra aggravation to suggest you are 'seeing someone' and then have him get all curious about that.

Well, who knows, this could just be an 'interim plan' that is a bit like a draft letter. It may not be the final version you end up using. But it's good just to allow yourself the permission to consider doing things in a way other than the "purest" way. Even if you end up doing it close to the pure way!

take care....

October 13, 2006
8:53 pm
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Righty-o, Kroika...I like that.

October 13, 2006
9:01 pm
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Hey there Kroik my friend....how are you?

I definately have that "got to do the right thing" ALL THE TIME thing going on. Sometimes to the point of insanity.

My friends often say to me...."Lolli...you don't ALWAYS have to do the 'right' thing." And the ever popular..."you're just too nice".

Of course they don't mean that I should run around treating people like shit or that I shouldn't try to maintain my sense of intengrity but that sometimes it's not so bad to do what I need to do for me.

October 13, 2006
9:12 pm
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Kroika,

I think we crossed posts...

Of course I hear what you are saying and believe me "lying" does not come easy to me.

Having said that...I have utilized the "white lie" from time to time to either spare someone else's feelings....or to spare my own anxiety levels.

I know if I tell him the truth about how I feel about this whole situation, it will only lead to further discussion including his "defending" his motives and trying to convince me that I was mistaken. Mistaken or not...that is how the whole thing made me feel and I honestly don't have the energy to have that conversation. I have enough pressure going on with Snowblower and the ex-ex. I don't need it from someone that I do not, nor did I ever, have any interest romantic interest in. Nor do I feel like explaining/defending myself to him.

I had another dilemma not so long ago with a friend of over 30 years. I will spare you the loooong story but I wanted to end our friendship. I stressed about it to the point that it made me physically sick because I felt that I "owed" it to her to have this conversation in person. It was another situation where I felt as though I had explained myself enough and didn't have the strength or the energy to repeat...explain...defend... myself again. In the end....I took the "easy" way out and wrote her a letter. I honestly felt that I owed her more than that(although others disagree)...but I also needed to do what I had to do for myself.

I do try to do the right thing but I just can't always do it.

October 13, 2006
9:59 pm
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I like to think of it as "the art of the creative half-truth". Works for me ;0)

October 13, 2006
10:13 pm
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oh, and Lolli, thanks for asking how I am.

I'm actually feeling kind of down at the moment. Trying to overcome burnout re school stuff. It's my very last course in the degree program, but I have lost all spark of motivation. I'm hoping I can dredge the resources up from somewhere to get through. Never used to understand how people could drop out of things one course short of their degree... now i do 🙁

Also in a quandary over some recent contact with xbf. Glad my counsellor is back after a 6-week hiatus.

Probably it's hitting me more right now because I didn't get enough sleep today. Need to go out and buy some healthy food; I'm sure that will help. As does the concern of friends. Thanks for being one 🙂

hugs, kroika

October 13, 2006
10:56 pm
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Hello friends...

Hi lolli--I was wondering, not to sound ignorant or dismissive--but, men--do they always think in terms of the "bottom line"? I have found, often times, that money is a representation of themselves...so, in a sense--he was giving himself to you. Sick, and unnecessary, I know.

He difinitely wants more from you, but doesn't want to be brash or rejeceted, so he won't come right out and say it. Money talks, as they say. And he used it to speak for him.

I have many men friends. I am very close with a man that I used to date. We've known each other for fifteen years--he wants more, and has tried the money thing, but I want more, and he doesn't have what I am looking for. I care very much for him, but nothing--not even money--will secure a relationship---an initimate relationship.

Lolli, you are obviously an attractive and engaging (and kind) woman. That may be the bane of your exisitence, but you can find love and happiness in spite of it--I am sure of that.

With love to you, and to all here...2b

October 14, 2006
7:25 am
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Thanks 2b,

I have found that money does seem to talk as far as men go.

That was a huge problem with the Snowblower as well. He always thought money could fix our problems. As long as he bought me things....he didn't have to put any effort into the reltionship. As we can see...that doesn't work with me. I cannot be bought.

Perhaps you are right about the old boss. I don't think he is a malicious person. In fact, until recently I considered him a friend. Unfortunately, his ignorance, for lack of a better word, has made me uneasy.

And what is it about me that makes people feel as though I can be bought, I wonder? I mean really? I'm definately not what one would consider a "gold digger". I date blue collar men. I'm not one of those "high maintence" kind of girls. I was a tom boy growing up....I don't paint my nails or anything like that. Hell, I had to ask my hairdresser to show me how to do my hair because I didn't know how! I work a very physical job and am covered in dust and bandaids more often than not.

Not to mention that I pay my own way through life. I have NEVER asked a man for money to help with my bills or anything like that. If I did need help...I would ask my father, not someone I am dating.

I mean don't get me wrong....I suppose I am a bit old fashioned in the sense that I expect the man to pay (for the most part), and of course I enjoy getting gifts. But I enjoy getting gifts from someone who gives them to me because they think I deserve it or because they want to do something nice for me....not because they think that is all that it takes.

Anyway, I just don't get it. But I find it insulting non the less.

As always...thanks for being here 2b. I hope things are going well for you?

Love,
Lolli

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